Toledo Tales

Left: "Piper," a local pharmaceuticals rep

(Toledo, OH) According to a local entrepreneur, Toledo Police have been causing disruption to the normal operations of his business.

"Yeah, they have been hassling some of my best customers," said "Piper," a local sales rep. "We don't bother nobody, but they got nothing better to do than f**k with people."

Piper, who has been in the pharmaceutical industry for "as long as I can remember," said that undercover vice squad officers have been posing as customers to try to trip him up.

"You can spot them as soon as they get out of the car," he said. "Still, just having them around scares people away, just like the SEC."

Business is down almost 20 pecent this quarter, said Piper.

"Look, I got shareholders, right? My f***ing P/E ratio has tanked, and now I'm looking at a hostile takeover from some Detroit Avenue crew," he said. "On top of that, try to get a loan only 2 points over prime when they get lucky and sieze an ounce of rock from one of my sellers. My accountant totally freaked after that bust."

Some timely moves in the stock market are the only thing keeping his firm afloat, said Piper.

"We got lucky on some venture capital last month, giving this nobody 10 grand to drive to Mexico for weed," he said, poring over a spreadsheet printout. "But the futures market right now is in a free fall. I swear to God I'm just gonna start delivering pizzas again if the market doesn't improve."