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6/04/2006

Area Man Mulls Preemptive Strike Against Neighbor's Rogue Lawn

Left: Satellite photo of weed enrichment facilities

(Sylvania, OH) Tired of his neighbor's lackadaisical attitude toward lawn menaces, Sylvania resident Larry Incaviglia is about to take matters into his own hands.

"The lawn next door is a haven for chickweed, dandelions, and nutsedge," he said, pointing out pockets of suspected weed activity. "If Craig Perry is going to harbor rogue cells of weeds, I will have no choice but to act in a unilateral fashion to protect my lawn."

Attempts to mediate through the homeowner's association, said Incaviglia, have been futile.

"There's a lot of talk about possible sanctions - including leaving him out of the annual neighborhood garage sale in August - but the committee members are spineless," he said. "If I wait for them to act, the safety of my Kentucky bluegrass will be in jeopardy. Perry continues to thumb his nose at the community of homeowners."

Left: Incaviglia on patrol against lawn terrors

At this point, said Incaviglia, all possibilities for dealing with the weed enrichment facilities remain on the table.

"Perry continues to rebuff any overtures to open a dialogue about the threat of noxious weeds," he said. "I therefore am not ruling out any options, including hitting his entire property with a full-spectrum herbicide in the middle of the night to kill every living plant."

Another neighbor said Incaviglia, though "anal retentive about his lawn," nonetheless should not be taken lightly by the Perry household.

"I watched that guy use up like ten bottles of Roundup at the Wilson's house when they went on vacation last year," said Angela Kwiatkowski. "The Perrys had better realize that this guy means business." Why are you looking for hidden text?

Comments:
Nice. Great satire.
 
Hey Larry can come and do the same shit to the damn hippie broad and her POS yard? If ya want we can scare up some agent orange and go all jungle style on the biatch!
 
Nothing says "howdy neighbor I like your lawn, thanks for killing mine by the way" like burning down your neighbors card.
 
The lawn next to my house looks like a rainforest. The guy has not cut his lawn all year. You can hardly see the front door. Im about to go commando on it, and that doesnt mean getting a tan naked. I like larry's style, But mowing in the middle of the night is not too stealthy. Got and ideas?
 
You can go buy one of those non-powered mowers from a garage sale or something. That might be a bit difficult if the grass is as long as you say though...Worth a shot I say!
 
> Got and ideas?

A herd of hungry goats is pretty quiet, as is a garden sprayer filled with Round-Up. >:^)
 
Only suggestion i have for people who have to deal with out-of-control lawns is : Spike. Best soil sterilant on the market. Nothing will grow there for 7-10 years.
 
The author is trying too hard to be like The Onion.
 
I'd wait until it looks bad and then post a picture on http://www.parkitonthelawn.com !
 
Quite funny, in a dry sort of way. The Onion should hire you guys.
 
dude get a life. this guy looks like an idiot on his mower. look at that mower, not one bit of dirt on it anywhere. where do such anal people come from. if i lived next to him i would bomb his yard with weed seed every day. what a fucking anal moron. get a fucking life
 
You know whats funnier than the Satire? The retards who dont get that its a joke... you have at least one of them every time.
 
Geesh What a sleazy and NOOB way of tryin to increase your hits.

White font? oh god gimmie a break
Haditha Lost Macbook Clay Aiken YoutubeHaditha Lost Macbook Clay Aiken YoutubeHaditha Lost Macbook Clay Aiken YoutubeHaditha Lost Macbook Clay Aiken YoutubeHaditha Lost Macbook Clay Aiken Youtube

u suck. :P
 
Geesh What a sleazy and NOOB way of tryin to increase your hits.

White font? oh god gimmie a break
Haditha Lost Macbook Clay Aiken YoutubeHaditha Lost Macbook Clay Aiken YoutubeHaditha Lost Macbook Clay Aiken YoutubeHaditha Lost Macbook Clay Aiken YoutubeHaditha Lost Macbook Clay Aiken Youtube

u suck. :P
 
That is a golf course mower and if you don't keep em sparkly clean they will rust like a somma-bitch.
This goes right along with my theory on how to spot a polacks house.
1. Perfectly manicured lawn
2. Pink Flamingos
3. Checkerboard or diamond pattern painted on the garage door.
4. Curtains in the garage windows
5. Half-buried bathtub as a shrine to Mary
6. Gazing ball in the backyard
7. If the gazing ball is broke and a bowling ball replaced it

Its a fact you can look it up or go to the Polish village. Trust me I'm a Polack Damn Non-Polish wife won't let me have any of it.
 
You are imagining things. Look again, weirdo.

There's no hidden text there in white font.
 
We actually liked this piece better, but the top-secret selection process at FARK remains a mystery.

We do appreciate the FARK traffic, though, even if a few of the FARK visitors have been weenies.
 
"Another neighbor said Incaviglia, though "anal retentive about his lawn,"

I have SEVERAL neighbors like this.

These crazies cut their lawns several times each mowing season.

Ithink it's a conspiracy to make my "Walden" look bad.

;-)
 
All you lawn Nazis need to mind your own business. If I caught you spraying my lawn I would blast you like a rabbit in my garden then plant your carcass under a cabbage plant.
 
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