Toledo Tales

Left: No more frigging geniuses, eh?

(Toledo, OH) In an effort to reduce a plague of employees reading on breaks, the city of Toledo announced today that, henceforth, all municipal truck drivers will be required to be illiterate.

"Although most of our workers are productive and aren't goofing off, the perception that a few can give by spreading out a large newspaper across the windshield can cause the perception that we're lazy," said Bill Franklin, director of the Department of Public Service. "It is therefore incumbent upon us to find a class of employees not prone to such acts of perceived laziness."

Franklin said that the city is also "taking a hard look" at measures to curb literacy among existing employees.

"We think that lining workers up and smacking them - hard - with a section of pipe might work," he said. "If not, we may have to use some sort of brain-damaging medication to achieve the desired levels of stupidity."

Franklin added that the city may also extend the illiteracy clause to other departments.

"Intelligence is a dangerous thing, especially when people use it to read," he said, shaking his head. "Best to weed those treacherous malcontents out before they start questioning authority, or something equally disruptive."