Toledo Tales

(Toledo, OH) There were no obvious lessons for November in the smattering of primary elections held around the U.S. Tuesday, but a new poll suggests that one key demographic may hold the key for savvy politicians.

A survey by Yankelovich, the North Carolina-based pollster and consulting firm, showed that Labrador retrievers and their owners have "zapped the gap," meaning today's Labs seem unusually close to their elders.

"What we're seeing is owners and dogs being more likely to start discussions about the marketplace and life in general more from a place of commonality than conflict," reported John Page, the company's canine insights manager. "Thus, politicians who don't carry Milkbones with them are likely to experience negative consequences in November."

Page had additional tips for campaigning candidates about America's top breed of dogs.

"At no point should you yell: 'BAD DOG,'" he cautioned. "Even if the Labrador is trying to bury the bone in your leg, try to relax and go with the flow. Better to have to wipe up a little doggie jizz than to piss off a voter."

Left: Be like Bill

Page also urged politicians to really put forth an effort to understand what he referred to as "Generation Lab."

"What are their wants? What are their needs? How do businesses market to them?" he asked. "The candidates who know how to keep Rex happy have a decided edge over those with rolled up newspapers and fierce looks. Learn to embrace the Lab in every voter, or at least to fake it. But be careful - Labs can smell a fraud from a country mile away, and they are not bashful about outing you."