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9/08/2006

Toledo Dentist Loves Watching You Writhe in Pain

Sadistic dentist By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH) Dr. Thomas L. Cooper—affectionately known to his patients as “Dr. Tom”—has been in the same medical office on Secor Road for nearly thirty years, yet never tires of making you thrash with pain from his perverse catalog of metal instruments.

Dr. Cooper particularly enjoys jabbing a jagged hook into your gums while rambling about his last fishing trip.

“Caught a thirteen pound trout in May, I did,” Dr. Cooper remarks, scraping bits of last night’s lasagna from your throbbing molars. “Matter of fact, you’re my last appointment before I take a weekend trip to my lake house in Michigan, so why don’t we stop squirming, shall we?”

In addition to testing your threshold for discomfort and ache, Dr. Cooper also receives a profound thrill from lying to you about how you can improve your dental hygiene.

“Two cavities this time—not good,” Cooper huffs disapprovingly. “Have to schedule another appointment for that…I think I have an opening at 8:30 a.m. the last Saturday this month. In the meantime, try to refrain from sexual intercourse for several weeks, and gargle a vinegar-brine solution thrice daily. Should clear up your plaque in no time.”

MolarsLeft: No tooth is safe from Cooper's clutches

One important weapon in Dr. Cooper's "arsenal of pain" are the faux anesthetics he administers.

"Supposed to be novocaine, but I always cut it with saline," grimaces Cooper as he uses pliers to remove your crown. "And I don't mix in much nitrous oxide, either. Never got any when I was young, and I don't see a reason you should have any, either. Besides - pain makes you stronger. Some day you'll thank me."

# posted by Subcomandante Bob : 8:50 PM
Comments:
I know this Dr. Tom.

I'm pretty sure that he was a prison guard in a former life; yeah, I'm sure he was.
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