Toledo Tales

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

Left: Gonzales harmonizes in C major with a Labor Works assistant

It was no secret to those in line at Labor Works on Monroe Street yesterday afternoon that the unemployment rate in Toledo has, for decades, been significantly higher than the national average, and peaked at nearly 8% after President Bush’s reelection in 2004.

However, when an undisclosed source told these struggling citizens that a recent Toledo Blade article showed Michigan’s unemployment rate rose to a staggering 7.1% in August 2006, they couldn’t help themselves: the assembled downtrodden suddenly erupted into song to celebrate the sufferings of Michiganders.

“It was amazing, like something out of Annie, except Fred here smells like ass,” recalled Victor Gonzalez, an out-of-work general contractor. “We didn’t even have to warm up or pick a key. We just launched into ‘Proud Mary’ like our asses depended on it. And not that shitty Ike and Tina version — I’m talking that original, gut-wrenching Creedence mojo, brother.”

Left: Toledo's workers may be out of a job, but they are staying on key

Many of Gonzales’ unemployed compatriots shared this musical schadenfreude at the plight of their northern neighbors.

“My ex-husband Stan lives in Jackson [Michigan], so you're goddamn right I sang along,” boomed Mary Hopkins-Brown. “I even took the high melody part when we did the outro to [Bob] Seger’s ‘Night Moves.’ That was Stan’s favorite. I hope he can’t even pay his heat bill this winter, that worthless son of a bitch. He slept with my sister.”