Toledo Tales

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

DuFont on Saturday evening: another table for one

(Toledo, OH) Jeremy DuFont has by all accounts had a difficult year. His wife of four years, Pamela, left him for a co-worker, he was denied yet another promotion at the Jeep plant, and with Christmas only a few short weeks away, he barely has any savings left to buy gifts for his loved ones.

In these trying times, when lesser men would turn to the bottle, and others would attempt to rediscover their faith, Jeremy DuFont turns to the one thing that gives him solace and dignity: Stubb’s Barbeque Sauce.

“I know your readers will think I’m a freak or something, but this barbeque sauce has saved my life,” DuFont revealed in an exclusive interview with Toledo Tales. “Some mornings I just lie in bed after hitting the snooze button, too depressed to jerk off. And then I remember there are some leftover riblets, or a piece of baked chicken in the fridge, and it gives me hope—hope that Stubb’s can get me through another bullshit day.”

DuFont feels that it was nothing short of divine intervention that led him to Stubb’s “magical elixir” in the first place.

“It was the day after Pam left me. I forced myself to go grocery shopping, though in retrospect, I had no desire for food—I just wanted to die,” DuFont revealed. “So I’m standing there in aisle 9, staring blankly at row after row of condiments, and I see it: the holy grail of sauces. On the label it read MY LIFE IS IN THESE BOTTLES. From that moment on I knew I’d be okay.”

So while the future remains uncertain, DuFont seems to have found the courage to continue his solemn trek through life.

“I’m a working man, so like all working men, the world is constantly thinking up new ways to fuck me,” DuFont huffed. “But I’m making a stand. Me and this sauce are gonna make it—sticky-fingered and bloated, maybe—but we’ll make it nonetheless.”