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Goth Chick Dreading Spring Break with Loving, Happy Family

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

Ulster endures the pang of being a middle-class white woman

(Toledo, OH)—University of Toledo sophomore Tina Ulster is, by all accounts, a maladjusted college student. She bemoans almost every aspect of her material existence, and is so chronically depressive most days that she can hardly bring herself to complete the simplest of tasks, such as laundry and homework.

So when her Spring Break plans to stay on-campus were thwarted by her own failure to submit the proper paperwork on time, she was horrified to learn she would spend her week-long furlough with her loving and supportive parents.

“I fucking hate those posers,” Ulster huffed while lazily watching a repeat episode of The Real World on her dorm futon. “A few weeks ago, [my boyfriend] Vertigo and I got really stoned and tried to put a Wiccan curse on them with the Ouija board, but I don’t think it worked. I mean, dad didn’t die from The Thousand Cries of Suffering, so maybe we read the directions wrong.”

For their part, Ulster’s parents have done their best to help their daughter through her incessant teenage resistance to their affection.

“We’ve offered therapy, church counseling, hell—we even told her that creep Vertigo could stay here for Spring Break too, as long as he sleeps on the couch,” her father Chris explained. “It’s as if she’s rewritten her own 19-year existence to involve domestic abuse and neglect. This from the girl who was still taking ballet lessons her senior year of high school.”

Left: The Ulsters, before Tina was struck down by the weight of her meaningless life

Ulster’s mother Rita can’t help but wonder if the pressures of college life haven’t been the ultimate catalyst for her personality change.

“I noticed it the first time we visited her on campus—the dark clothes, the heavy eyeliner,” Mrs. Ulster sighed. “I don’t know what kind of garbage that creep Vertigo is feeding her, but it’s pretty bad when my little girl can’t stand the idea of a few days at home. And if she’s so goddamned depressed now, let’s see how she likes it when I take the keys to her Camry.”

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Such a sweet young thing to be so screwed up ;-)
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