Toledo Tales

(Toledo, OH) The University of Toledo enacted "sweeping changes" in the athletic department to assure compliance with NCAA rules and eliminate questionable handling of medications for athletes.

President Lloyd A. Jacobs took aim at the entire athletic department.

"What we’re trying to do is create a culture of compliance in this organization,” Dr. Jacobs said. "Why just last week I walked into the trainer's office and there were vials of Depo-Testosterone cypionate laying all over the goddamned place. Jesus. I'm telling you, this stuff should be locked up."

Jacobs was surprised to find a pair of prostitutes in the football locker room during a recent tour.

"I mean, I know a guy's got to get his groove on, but take that stuff in the parking lots like everyone else," he said, shaking his head. "Especially if you're going around with some meth-scarfing cum dumpsters. We all like to take a walk on the wild side, but why should I have to walk in on some skeletal wraith sucking a linebacker's Johnson like a buzzard on a dead kitten?"

Other areas of "improved administrative oversight" include gamblers desirous of fixing athletic scores.

"Flat out - players should never be consorting with point-shaving schemers," he said. "That stuff belongs in the alumni luxury boxes, and if there's anything left over, the players get a little sumpin-sumpin on Monday morning. That's the way it's always been, and why some of these ungrateful bastards have to mess with a good thing is beyond me."

Labels: Lloyd Jacobs, Toledo, University of Toledo

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

Ulster endures the pang of being a middle-class white woman

(Toledo, OH)—University of Toledo sophomore Tina Ulster is, by all accounts, a maladjusted college student. She bemoans almost every aspect of her material existence, and is so chronically depressive most days that she can hardly bring herself to complete the simplest of tasks, such as laundry and homework.

So when her Spring Break plans to stay on-campus were thwarted by her own failure to submit the proper paperwork on time, she was horrified to learn she would spend her week-long furlough with her loving and supportive parents.

“I fucking hate those posers,” Ulster huffed while lazily watching a repeat episode of The Real World on her dorm futon. “A few weeks ago, [my boyfriend] Vertigo and I got really stoned and tried to put a Wiccan curse on them with the Ouija board, but I don’t think it worked. I mean, dad didn’t die from The Thousand Cries of Suffering, so maybe we read the directions wrong.”

For their part, Ulster’s parents have done their best to help their daughter through her incessant teenage resistance to their affection.

“We’ve offered therapy, church counseling, hell—we even told her that creep Vertigo could stay here for Spring Break too, as long as he sleeps on the couch,” her father Chris explained. “It’s as if she’s rewritten her own 19-year existence to involve domestic abuse and neglect. This from the girl who was still taking ballet lessons her senior year of high school.”

Left: The Ulsters, before Tina was struck down by the weight of her meaningless life

Ulster’s mother Rita can’t help but wonder if the pressures of college life haven’t been the ultimate catalyst for her personality change.

“I noticed it the first time we visited her on campus—the dark clothes, the heavy eyeliner,” Mrs. Ulster sighed. “I don’t know what kind of garbage that creep Vertigo is feeding her, but it’s pretty bad when my little girl can’t stand the idea of a few days at home. And if she’s so goddamned depressed now, let’s see how she likes it when I take the keys to her Camry.”

Labels: Goth, Goth chick, University of Toledo

(Toledo, OH) UT students gathered outside the Student Union last week to protest the condiment policies of AVI Dining Services.

“Look here,” said junior Martin Meriwether. “There are 42 tables in this cafeteria, but only 37 salt shakers and 11 pepper shakers. How the hell you going to eat scrambled eggs without salt and pepper?”

Meriwether also noted that the black pepper was in shorter supply on campus than the white salt.

"What does this mean?" he asked. "I leave it to you to figure it out, but it sure is suspicious to me."

And it's a hard rain's a-gonna fall

Another student, Jessica Johnson, complained about the lack of condiment alternatives.

“There’s like, no ranch dressing for the French fries,” she said. “I mean, come on, everyone dips their fries in ranch. Duh!”

AVI spokesperson Karen Underwood downplayed the allegations.

“You know the little bastards just steal it for their dorms,” she said. “If you want more condiments, they should bring back all the shit they stole from the cafeteria."

Labels: condiments, protest, students, University of Toledo