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UT to Restrict Athlete Access to Steroids, Hookers, Gamblers

(Toledo, OH) The University of Toledo enacted "sweeping changes" in the athletic department to assure compliance with NCAA rules and eliminate questionable handling of medications for athletes.

President Lloyd A. Jacobs took aim at the entire athletic department.

"What we’re trying to do is create a culture of compliance in this organization,” Dr. Jacobs said. "Why just last week I walked into the trainer's office and there were vials of Depo-Testosterone cypionate laying all over the goddamned place. Jesus. I'm telling you, this stuff should be locked up."

Jacobs was surprised to find a pair of prostitutes in the football locker room during a recent tour.

"I mean, I know a guy's got to get his groove on, but take that stuff in the parking lots like everyone else," he said, shaking his head. "Especially if you're going around with some meth-scarfing cum dumpsters. We all like to take a walk on the wild side, but why should I have to walk in on some skeletal wraith sucking a linebacker's Johnson like a buzzard on a dead kitten?"

Other areas of "improved administrative oversight" include gamblers desirous of fixing athletic scores.

"Flat out - players should never be consorting with point-shaving schemers," he said. "That stuff belongs in the alumni luxury boxes, and if there's anything left over, the players get a little sumpin-sumpin on Monday morning. That's the way it's always been, and why some of these ungrateful bastards have to mess with a good thing is beyond me."

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Didn't realize that Lloyd was such a traditionalist.
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