Toledo Tales

Guest editorial by "Piper,"
local pharmaceuticals rep

Listen up: we've just sent $800 billion to the big banks, and $25 billion to the auto companies, and Piper is cool with all that. After all, bankers love their blow and auto workers love their weed, and what's good for Citibank and GM is always good for Piper.

But let's face facts: banking and autos are just a fraction of the American economy, and America's dopemen are hurting. Big time.

That's why I call upon incoming President Barack Obama - no stranger to pharmaceuticals of dubious legality - to extend a helping hand to the nation's one million dope dudes and weed chicks, the hardworking entrepreneurs who will brave a winter's blizzard to get you a half-ounce of Chronic when you are snowed in.

You feel me?

In my own little empire, sales are down over 30 percent from 2007, and what's worse? Every fucking speed freak and stoner is busting my balls for price breaks. It's "oh I got laid off" and "my old lady took my weed money for diapers" and "brother can you spare a joint" all the damn day long. It's getting so bad that I may have to lay off some of my neighborhood rock and weed kids, who are the bread and butter of any good dope business.

Don't laugh - these 13-year-old crack hustlers bring home big money to their parents. When the dope industry suffers, so do thousands of low-income families, people who depend on a steady supply of wadded-up five-dollar bills to keep the lights on and the fridge stocked with 40-ouncers.

So, President Obama? Remember the humble dope man when you start your plans to reinvigorate the economy, 'cuz it's weed, smack, and meth that really make this country fly.