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1/09/2009

The Dope Industry Needs a Bailout, Too

Guest editorial by "Piper,"
local pharmaceuticals rep


Listen up: we've just sent $800 billion to the big banks, and $25 billion to the auto companies, and Piper is cool with all that. After all, bankers love their blow and auto workers love their weed, and what's good for Citibank and GM is always good for Piper.

But let's face facts: banking and autos are just a fraction of the American economy, and America's dopemen are hurting. Big time.

That's why I call upon incoming President Barack Obama - no stranger to pharmaceuticals of dubious legality - to extend a helping hand to the nation's one million dope dudes and weed chicks, the hardworking entrepreneurs who will brave a winter's blizzard to get you a half-ounce of Chronic when you are snowed in.

You feel me?

In my own little empire, sales are down over 30 percent from 2007, and what's worse? Every fucking speed freak and stoner is busting my balls for price breaks. It's "oh I got laid off" and "my old lady took my weed money for diapers" and "brother can you spare a joint" all the damn day long. It's getting so bad that I may have to lay off some of my neighborhood rock and weed kids, who are the bread and butter of any good dope business.

Don't laugh - these 13-year-old crack hustlers bring home big money to their parents. When the dope industry suffers, so do thousands of low-income families, people who depend on a steady supply of wadded-up five-dollar bills to keep the lights on and the fridge stocked with 40-ouncers.

So, President Obama? Remember the humble dope man when you start your plans to reinvigorate the economy, 'cuz it's weed, smack, and meth that really make this country fly.

Comments:
Dude, you could make this 1000x funnier if you just use the best damn source material ever.....Carty Finkbiner. I mean, for Tyr's sake, why rip off the Onion when you can destroy Carty, who is not only funnier, but also worthy of original humor.

-Beating up a Taco joint owner?
Check

-Fighting so he can take his dog to the office?
Check

-Deaf people at the Airport?
Fuck yes, that's a BIG check

-Appearing on the Daily Show when Kilborn still anchored it?
Check, ahoy!

This is simply a small sample of the material Carty provides. USE IT. Both you and me are from the best, most rustiest city South of Detroit, surely we can be funnier. Surely we can use Carty.
 
Bob has indeed been a bit lax on focusing on Carty these days, but if you go to the top of the blog and type "Finkbeiner" in the blog search box, you will see numerous Carty posts.

But Bob promises to spend more time skewering Carty in 2009. At least so long as Bob doesn't get hooked on smack again.
 
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