Toledo Tales

Religious leaders just before holy water incident

An ecumenical prayer service in the Valentine Theatre that was organized by a cross section of local Christian leaders was briefly interrupted when the sprinkling of holy water caused an "unfortunate reaction" on the skin of Toledo Mayor Carty Finkbeiner.

"I just finished my blessing and began to shake the aspergillum in the first few rows," said Rev. Martin Donnelly, pastor of Blessed Sacrament Catholic Church. "All of a sudden Carty howled just like a kitten in a crock pot. Sure enough, the holy water was bubbling on the Mayor's skin like water on a greased skillet. Crazy!"


A pock-marked Finkbeiner evades further divine pain

Aides to the stricken mayor blamed the reaction on a new cologne, but event attendees interviewed by Toledo Tales seemed doubtful.

"You ask me, the dude looked like a garlic-eating vampire," said Jason Caulfield of Sylvania. "The Mayor brought this shit upon himself - he ought to know better than to get close to anything holy. I'm surprised he didn't burst into flames the second his ass entered the narthex."

Guest editorial by "Piper,"
local pharmaceuticals rep

Listen up: we've just sent $800 billion to the big banks, and $25 billion to the auto companies, and Piper is cool with all that. After all, bankers love their blow and auto workers love their weed, and what's good for Citibank and GM is always good for Piper.

But let's face facts: banking and autos are just a fraction of the American economy, and America's dopemen are hurting. Big time.

That's why I call upon incoming President Barack Obama - no stranger to pharmaceuticals of dubious legality - to extend a helping hand to the nation's one million dope dudes and weed chicks, the hardworking entrepreneurs who will brave a winter's blizzard to get you a half-ounce of Chronic when you are snowed in.

You feel me?

In my own little empire, sales are down over 30 percent from 2007, and what's worse? Every fucking speed freak and stoner is busting my balls for price breaks. It's "oh I got laid off" and "my old lady took my weed money for diapers" and "brother can you spare a joint" all the damn day long. It's getting so bad that I may have to lay off some of my neighborhood rock and weed kids, who are the bread and butter of any good dope business.

Don't laugh - these 13-year-old crack hustlers bring home big money to their parents. When the dope industry suffers, so do thousands of low-income families, people who depend on a steady supply of wadded-up five-dollar bills to keep the lights on and the fridge stocked with 40-ouncers.

So, President Obama? Remember the humble dope man when you start your plans to reinvigorate the economy, 'cuz it's weed, smack, and meth that really make this country fly.

Guest editorial by Tre Phillips,
Toledo area wanksta

I don't mean to sound all cruel and shit, 'cuz we all got our issues. Me? I be all asking for triple dipping sauces with my chicken strips, and the bitch at the drive thru window be all, "Extra sauces are a quarter each," and I be all, "Fuck that, y'all, we outta here."

But kids with leg braces? They be all trippin' and shit.

Like this dude on my block, Jeremy. He's got like multiple shurosis or some shit, and he be all walking like Forrest Gump and shit one day, then KA-BAM! Down go his clumsy ass on the sidewalk.

And when my little brother Dre start laughing, then Jeremy really be trippin' and shit, talking 'bout his ass gonna get a gun and go all Dick Cheney on us and shit.

I mean, dude: no need to be all pulling a major trippin' episode and shit. Chill.

It's like this: we all gotta deal with what the Man Upstairs done throw us. Like this girl, Boo, who hangs around my hood and who still likes to do the freaky even though she picked up a nasty case of crotch crickets and everybody knows that she be nastier than a two-dolla hooker. Even though nobody would touch her even wearin' a bio-hazard suit and shit, she still keep smilin' and tryin' to work her magic on anybody new to the 'hood.

There just ain't no call for crippled kids to be all trippin' and shit.