Toledo Tales

(Toledo, OH) Local embellishment specialist Dwayne Baxter told Toledo Tales reporters that his "mondo-bitchin' credit" is so exemplary that lenders have raised the FICO scale just for him.

"Yeah, right now I'm at 1189, closing in on the record," he said, pointing to a spreadsheet he created on his PC. "My credit's so awesome, every card company in the country is sending me applications and the phone's ringing off the hook. Matter of fact, this hot telemarketing chick took one look at my FICO score - and my 14-inch schlong - and 20 minutes later we were rockin' the mattress. Turns out she lives across town, one of those bored-housewife, undersexed 26-38-26 types with a salesman husband who's always out of town. She used to be a supermodel, with Vogue or some shit, too, and she could suck the drunk off an Irishman - swear to God!"

Baxter said that credit-reporting agencies have been "falling all over themselves" in their efforts to recognize his stellar credit record.

"Matter of fact, Equifax is creating a 'Credit Score of the Year' award, and they nominated me as the very first recipient - with a $20,000 check for starters," he noted. "Plus they're throwing in a Jaguar and a West Palm Beach condo, too. Last time I was down in Florida I was banging this pair of 19-year-old lesbian punk rock twins, dude, and these bitches couldn't figure out if the whole dyke deal was worth it after I trained 'em with the Dwayne-meat. They were begging for it, dude, down on all fours and begging like malnourished seagulls for my dick. It got to the point where I had to take a goddamn crow bar to pry them off my Johnson, you know? If I didn't have those 50-yard-line seats for the Super Bowl with my buddy Bobby DeNiro, I might still be down there in a 24/7 sex fest and shit. In fact, DeNiro was telling me to forget the Super Bowl, and asked me to hook him up with the blonde lesbo twin, but she didn't like Taxi Driver, saying it creeped her out how he was almost like a pedo with that Jodie Foster, then he got pissed and I had to go up there to calm him down before he went and drove the Goodyear blimp into the stadium like he was talking. Got there just in time, too, 'cuz he had the throttle in his hand and a mean look in his eye, like when he played Noodles Aaronson in Once Upon a Time in America, you know? I mean CRAZY-crazy and shit."

Labels: credit scores, FICO

(Toledo, OH) The yellow-and-white Australian cockatiel named "Sparky" had been flying around the PetCo location on Monroe Street for "three or four days," according to store employees, and attempts to coax the bird back in his cage had been unsuccessful.

That is, until part-time stock clerk Josh Terwilliger showed up on Sunday afternoon.

"Pretty basically, it only took one swing of my tennis racket to subdue the bird," chuckled Terwilliger, demonstrating the forehand that brought the renegade bird back in line. "It flew by me near the aquarium aisle, and then: THWOK! Down went Sparky."

Terwilliger said that this is not the first "unconventional capture" of a runaway animal he has engineered in the three months he has worked at PetCo.

"I snagged a loose iguana with a pair of wire cutters I had in the storeroom last month," he recalled. "And then there was the pair of tarantulas I chased back into their tank with a can of hairspray and a lighter. Listen - all it took was one look at the 'Fireball of Death' to send those creepy bastards running."

Store manager Pam Kelleher, while disapproving of Terwilliger's methods, nonetheless admitted the clerk "has a knack" for retrieving wayward creatures.

"Josh does get results," she said, nervously eyeing Terwilliger as he shoveled bunnies back into an open hutch. "What he lacks in diplomacy he makes up for in lower merchandise costs. Still, the whole guinea-pig-on-a-skewer incident did leave some bad feelings with the Girl Scouts who accidentally let Scamper out of his cage last week."

Labels: animals, PetCo, pets, Toledo

Guest editorial by Tre Phillips,
Toledo area wanksta

I don't mean to sound all cruel and shit, 'cuz we all got our issues. Me? I be all asking for triple dipping sauces with my chicken strips, and the bitch at the drive thru window be all, "Extra sauces are a quarter each," and I be all, "Fuck that, y'all, we outta here."

But kids with leg braces? They be all trippin' and shit.

Like this dude on my block, Jeremy. He's got like multiple shurosis or some shit, and he be all walking like Forrest Gump and shit one day, then KA-BAM! Down go his clumsy ass on the sidewalk.

And when my little brother Dre start laughing, then Jeremy really be trippin' and shit, talking 'bout his ass gonna get a gun and go all Dick Cheney on us and shit.

I mean, dude: no need to be all pulling a major trippin' episode and shit. Chill.

It's like this: we all gotta deal with what the Man Upstairs done throw us. Like this girl, Boo, who hangs around my hood and who still likes to do the freaky even though she picked up a nasty case of crotch crickets and everybody knows that she be nastier than a two-dolla hooker. Even though nobody would touch her even wearin' a bio-hazard suit and shit, she still keep smilin' and tryin' to work her magic on anybody new to the 'hood.

There just ain't no call for crippled kids to be all trippin' and shit.

Labels: leg braces

Left: Buck is shelling out bucks

(Toledo, OH) Howard "Buck" Jackson saw news items this week on the economy, and saw fit to do his part to stimulate consumer spending.

"I saw this collection of them ceramic elves over at Odd Lots, and I bought the bunch for my wife," he said, setting down his ninth Bud Light. "She got a real kick out of them, although you wouldn't know it in the old marital department, if you know where I'm going."

Jackson also attempted to help out the automobile sector of the nation's economy.

"Pep Boys had a deal on chrome wheels - not those ugly-ass spinner kind like the dope dealers all have - so I got me a nice set for $800," he said, punctuating his reply with a loud belch. "Yessir - everyone has to pitch in to get America rolling again, and - despite my appearances - I'm going to do the patriotic thing and spend me some money."

His next economic contribution, said Jackson, will likely be in the area of home improvements.

"The missus has been after me about getting one of those rollup awnings for the double-wide," he said, pausing to scratch his package. "But I am kind of leaning toward an extra shed to the transmission I am rebuilding. It's taking up way too much space in the living room."

Jackson said that his ability to flood the local economy with disposable income is due in large part to a recent settlement.

"While getting my vasectomy a few years back, the surgeon sort of butchered my left nut," he said. "Don't get me wrong - everything works just fine - but any hopes I had of doing porno went goodbye, unless I was to do one of them 'freak of nature' films. Picture a golf ball next to a marble, and you'll get where I'm coming from."

Jackson thought for a moment and pondered: "Do you think $3,000 is enough for a beat-up testicle, or should I have held out for a little more?"

(Toledo, OH) Local resident James Phillips, speaking to Toledo Tales reporters from Army boot camp in Fort Benning, Georgia, said that he hopes his training will live up to its billing.

"You know what they shay: 'There's shtrong, and there's Army Shtrong,'" he chuckled. "I sure hope that my shtrength and shkills show shome shignificant improvement during my shtay down here in shunny Georgia."

Phillips was enthusiastic about his initial time in camp.

"I just finished my firsht AIT tesht. It was on technical manualsh," he recalled. "It wash sho easy, it wash a joke. We were given 90 minutesh to complete the test, but I finished the tesht in 10 minutesh. These drillsh aren't sho bad, either."

Life in camp is not all fun and hijinks, added Phillips.

"It'sh pretty hard to find a shpot to shit in the canteen," he said. "And when I finally got a shpot to shit, they told me I had to shit in the latrine. Lotsh of shtuff you have to learn to be Army Shtrong."

Labels: Army Shtrong

Guest editorial by Hannah Phillips,
Inuit fashion expert

So, pretty much everyone in my class and on MySpace is totally into mukluks, and u just know that they are 2 much! Hannah just bought her first pair, cuz Hannah had to have sum 2, and I totally look like an Eskimo in my new mukluks.

It's not like I eat raw fish or anything, or kill baby seals (WHICH ARE JUST 2 CUTE!!!!!) and I definitely would never live in an igloo.

But I totally am into this Eskimo fashion, and I think I'm going 2 get a bone through my nose, 2!

Not!

Had u going, though, didn't I? You totally thought I was going to do the whalebone implants, like Sasha-the-whore, right? No way. And she totally sticks any old kind of bone in her.

Yes, I went there.

All I need now is a parka and a name like Qimugkauyar or Tulukaruk or K’eyghashutnu, and I could walk in The Gap at the Iqaluit Mall in Nunavit and totally fit in. And u could come 2, and we could meet Eskimo boys n stuff!

Guest editorial by Bradley Reeger,
recent victim of bee swarming

I just read an article about Colony Collapse Disorder, the phenomenon in which worker bees from a beehive or bee colony abruptly disappear. Yes, bees are one of nature’s most important pollinators, and our food depends on them, and almost half the foods in the American diet are reliant upon bee pollination.

But as far as I am concerned, every fucking bee, hornet, and wasp can die.

Right now, please.

You see, I was just mowing my lawn when I ran over a hive in the ground. I had my iPod on, and didn't realize I agitated 20,000 maniacal flying bastard bugs. The next thing I know, I'm getting stung on every square inch of my body.

Ever been stung on your dick? Well, I have. SIXTEEN FUCKING TIMES. Penis bee stings burn worse than a Taliban rebel in an Army leafpile.

I have daydreams of renting a flamethrower and going on a bee-killing rampage, igniting up hive after evil hive. Or going out and buying myself one of those industrial sized magnifying glasses and using the sun to scorch a couple million of those soulless arthropods, enjoying every moment of every dead bee and imagining I hear a tiny little scream as the focused heat burns a hole right through their little thoraxes.

And Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, with your cute little "Bee Movie"? A great big "Fuck You," pal, for trying to make us forget that the toxic monsters are trying to kill us on a daily basis. When the revolution comes, you'll be lined up against a brick wall and face the firing squad with the rest of your bee buddies.

And I thought "Yadda, Yadda, Yadda" was a total piece of shit, too, and Lenny Bruce is gonna kick your ass in the afterlife.

Labels: Colony Collapse Disorder