Toledo Tales

(Bellevue, OH) Art Price, the man who was caught on tape having sex outdoors with a picnic table, told Toledo Tales reporters that he plans to "rise to the occasion" in light of his newly acquired notoriety.

"I'm thinking, maybe, a reality TV show where I stick my cock in a bunch of ridiculous places," he said, pausing to scratch his package. "I got a few plot ideas already, like where I bungee-jump off the Brooklyn Bridge and try to ram my pecker in a bucket of raw ground beef held by a couple of supermodels. Then there's the one where I hang from the roof of the car wash bay and slide my Johnson in the metal tube that holds the spray hose. I got a ton of these ideas."

Price added that he hopes to nail a few endorsement deals to further capitalize on his sudden fame.

"Jergens Lotion would be an obvious choice, given my reputation for poking my man-meat in places that produce genital chafing," he noted. "But the big money has to be with condoms. I'm thinking there could be a safe sex awareness campaign to promote condom use among table fuckers, kind of like this: 'The picnic table you are plowing has had sex with a dozen perverts,' or something like that. A guy's gotta be careful, you know?"

His recent arrest, added Price, has been "kind of liberating, in a way."

"My wife was getting kind of tired of having to strap on a bunch of two-by-fours every time we had sex," he noted, referencing his attempt to duplicate table-love in the bedroom. "And it's time to move on, you know? I've kind of neglected my other interests, like shoving hot dogs up my ass while I jerk off to the Power Rangers. You have to stop and smell the roses, right? Or at least grab a couple of rose branches and flog your bloody dick with them, I always say."

Labels: Art Price, picnic table

Guest editorial by Hank Freeman, angry spouse

You got a lot of nerve calling me on my cell, babe, whining about how it's 3:00 am and the bars closed an hour ago and even Taco Bell is closed and where the hell am I? It's like I'm your goddamned kid or something, instead of the meal ticket who brings home what's left of his big-ass paycheck every week for you to waste at Kroger's for bread and KMart on kid clothes and Payless on another pair of stupid shoes and shit.

Let me tell you one thing: I'll come home when I want to fucking come home, that's when.

When we got married, was there a clause after "for better or worse" that said anything about curfews? I think not, and if there was, some lousy bastard typed it in after the fact. Probably that pussy-assed brother of yours. And - quite frankly, babe - what I do on my time is my own fucking business. Do I stick my nose in your book club or church choir shit? Hell no, so long as the food is on the table before you split, and there's plenty of cold beer in the fridge.

And one more thing - the next time you come crawling back from some battered women's shelter, there's one thing you need to do right away.

The dishes.

Ha! Get it? The fucking dishes! I totally kill me.

(Toledo, OH) Hopper, a local canine of uncertain ancestry, told Toledo Tales reporters that there's something about Democratic presidential contender Barack Obama that raises his hackles.

"Look: I'm not racist, OK?" he said, pausing to scratch behind his ear. "But every time I see Obama on TV, I have the urge to snap and bite. It's, like, hard-wired or something, you know?"

Hopper said that his owners have tried conditioning him to accept the African-American politician, but their efforts have so far been unsuccessful.

"Oh yeah, they've used everything from the rolled-up newspaper to Liv-a-Snaps, but I keep charging the TV every time I see the bastard grinning on MSNBC," he acknowledged, briefly sniffing the ground. "They were really embarassed when the Wilsons were over last week. They kept apologizing, but you could tell old man Wilson was thinking they trained me to go ape-shit on black folks."

If Obama is elected President, noted Hopper, there may be "unforseeable consequences."

"I can just see the Secret Service pulling up and hauling my ass to Guantanamo Bay," he said, chewing on a muddy stick he discovered. "I'll be over at someone's house, President Obama will come on TV, and there I will be, trying to rip out his throat and howling about how I'm going to kill him. No jury in the world would acquit my mongrel ass, either, especially if they get me on video foaming at the mouth about Obama. Funny thing? I actually like the dude, and if they'd let me into the polls, I'd probably pull the lever for him."

Labels: Barack Obama, Election 2008, mongrels

Hauptmann: denied his moment of aromatic reverie

(Toledo, OH) An afternoon of "olfactory bliss" that resulted from the production of particularly noxious gastrointestinal effluvia came to a sudden end after Toledo resident Craig Hauptmann took out the trash.

"I knew as soon as I stood up that I was on the verge of emitting the granddaddy of all rectal honks," he said. "By the time I walked back to the trash cans, it was apparent that I would not make it back into the house to wallow in this epic wave of crop dustery."

Hauptmann said that the "titanic blast" brought him temporary relief, but he was disappointed that he was not able to enjoy its lingering odors.

"Unfortunately, I was only able to briefly savor its delicate aroma," he noted. "It had superbly strong bitter overtones with a complex palate, consisting of a delicate aroma of hops delightfully balanced by a prominent malty character, with hints of cruciferous vegetables, lentils, and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups."

Hauptmann added that he holds his wife Linda responsible for the missed flatulent opportunity.

"Linda has been criminally and negligently obstructing and disregarding this important work for decades," he noted. "A person can learn a great deal about the state of his bowel health from the detailed study of his colonic calliopes. If I wind up with intestinal cancer, the blame is all Linda's."

Labels: farting

(Toledo, OH) Gas prices topping $3.25 a gallon for unleaded gasoline are causing profits to drop for many small businesses in Northwest Ohio. Among the victims of the rising gas prices is local methamphetamine dealer Paul "DeeDee" Jeffords.

"When the gas prices go up, meth-heads aren't getting stoned as much and my business goes down," he noted. "That, plus a ten-mile trip to deliver a $20 late night fix to a regular customer just ain't as profitable as it once was."

Jeffords said that the spike in oil prices hurts his business in more ways than just delivery costs.

"Oil price hikes affects everything: from the retail price of the meth itself, to the production costs of supplies and packaging, much of which is made from petroleum-based products," he said. "Plus, it takes a lot of gas or kerosene to run a large scale meth lab, like what I got out in my garage. Pretty soon a $10 rock's gonna be, like, $15 or something."

Jeffords added that his customers are demonstrating resistance to inflationary pressures.

"Addicts got to understand that, as retail prices rise, it's not the local dealer that's causing the inflation," he said. "Inflation just keeps getting passed from the top down to the end user. That, plus they need to know that it is way uncool to be pilfering CDs and shit out of the dope man's car behind his back, especially after he drove across town in rush hour traffic to be bringing your ass some meth. Some shit is just wrong, you know?"

Labels: crystal meth, methamphetamine