Toledo Tales

(Toledo, OH)For area resident Pat Islington, recycling is about much more than a green attitude toward the environment. The West Toledo resident has found that there is a great deal of green in recycled toilet paper.

"Pretty basically, we buy the heavy-duty brands and wash out every sheet after wiping," said the Vermaas Street resident. "Then we hang them to dry on the line, saving even more money on running the dryer. I figure we've banked over $200 in the last year on toilet paper, baby wipes, and Kleenexes."

Islington said that his wife, however, has been "resistant" to his efforts at saving money through recycling such products as bathroom tissue, disposable diapers, and Q-Tips.

"For the first few weeks she wouldn't talk to me, but lately she's started having short conversations about the kids' grades and stuff," he noted. "Still, She won't give up her 'secret stash' of toilet paper that she swipes from work and from our friends. Pretty sad, isn't it, what desperation will do to some people?"

Neighbors of the Islingtons, however, fail to share Pat's enthusiasm over what he calls his "de-pooperative efforts."

"Dude is crazier than a run-over dog drunk on antifreeze," said next-door neighbor Eustus Patchett. "Next thing he'll be telling the missus to throw her stanky old tampons in the rinse cycle. Whoops - better not give his nutty ass any funny ideas, right?

Labels: recycled toilet paper, Toledo

(Toledo, OH) Local embellishment specialist Dwayne Baxter told Toledo Tales reporters that a young woman at Westfield Shopping Center was especially attractive.

"Dude - this chick had tits bigger than a couple of ripe pumpkins," he enthused. "I swear to God those hooters just about bounced in my face clear across the food court."

Baxter said that the beautiful woman had a noticeable effect on his state of arousal.

"Listen - looking at that ass made me hornier than a busload of Boy Scouts passing a nudist camp," he recalled. "My cock was harder than a 4-day-old loaf of French bread, brother, and I could tell she was ready to take every last inch of my raging man-meat."

Unfortunately, said Baxter, there were complications in what had appeared to be shaping up as a memorable sexual encounter.

"Turns out I just hit the fucking lottery: fifty grand!" he said. "So I'm thinking: 'Nail this bitch, or head to Columbus and collect my cash.' I finally decided that I could buy a truckload of strippers with fifty grand, so I told the supermodel to take a rain check. Hell, I'm surprised I can even remember that mall chick, what with the wild-ass weekend I spent with those Ohio State cheerleaders I picked up in Columbus. I swear to God I never knew chicks who were so into anal and oral sex as those two crazy coeds! Man, I am aching like dry ice on an abcessed tooth today, mister."

(Toledo, OH) Local porn afficianado Lucas Dreighton, who just upgraded to Internet Explorer 7 from the earlier version, hopes that the new web browser will bring his favorite hardcore films quicker.

"You know, I really like IE-6, but it's slower than a Tasered turtle," Dreighton noted. "When I'm downloading some hot girl-on-donkey action, I need a web browser that can handle high-density digital video."

Dreighton said that IE-6 had a number of "logistical inadequacies."

"Look: when I'm trying to blow a load of pent-up jizz, the last thing I need is the browser freezing up on an image of some guy's hairy ass," he said. "That happened last week, leaving me with some pretty strange feelings as I shot my wad."

IE-7 might also offer additional benefits, added Dreighton.

"I'm all about safe surfing, and if you use IE 6 you can get a very serious virus infection, tied with malware and with a Trojan payload," he said. "I don't know about you, but I worry about what I might come down with chasing all these virtual whores and sluts. I mean, watching some chick slobber all over a horse's schlong is pretty cool, but would you French her afterwards? I think not."

Labels: IE6, IE7, porn

(Toledo, OH) Hopper, a local canine of uncertain ancestry, expressed "shock and shame" at the deceptive tactics that led to his recent castration.

"Sure - it was all 'Wanna go for a ride?' and 'Let's go bye-bye!' and 'Wanna treat?'" Hopper recalled, visibly agitated at the memory. "Next thing I know the vet is sawing off my gonads and sewing me up with industrial grade wire. You people are bastards, just complete bastards."

Hopper said that there was "more than just the physical pain" involved in the fateful trip to the veterinarian's office.

"Let's face facts: I was totally fucked over, pure and simple," he noted. "How you would feel if somebody promised you a free BMW or Prada purse and then sliced off your genitalia? Pretty damned low, that's how."

As a result of the "nasty trickery," added Hopper, there will be consequences.

"Mark my words: this is personal, and there WILL be payback. You can count on it, my friend," he said, pausing to lick his still-aching scrotum. "I will use my fury against you, and I will get revenge. When my fury is unleashed against you, you will know that I, Hopper, spoke to you while I was in castratorical recovery, and that your sick games brought on a world of pain. Believe it. Either that, or I will leave loose turd-piles in your jacket pocket and in your shoes. But either way, Hopper WILL have his vengeance."

Labels: Dogs, neutering, Toledo

A Toledo Tales Guest Editorial
By Mickey Peterson, Local Porn Connoisseur

Peterson: Passionate About His Porn

I’m gonna hit the ground running: I watch a lot of porn. And I mean A LOT. In fact, I have two flash drives in my pocket right now full of my favorite pics and videos in case my hard drive ever shits the bed.

But now that my wife Rachel has quit her job to be a stay-at-home mom, the only porn I’ve been able to watch is the late-night stuff on cable, and let me tell you—this softcore shit is about as real as the tooth fairy.

Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin. You’d think a sex film would, oh I don’t know, SHOW SOME ACTUAL FUCKING, but most of these erotic scenes are full of lame, extended caresses that fade or jump-cut before you see any penetration, all while some Kenny G elevator music pulses throughout the scene. I could catch more bush on a middle school playground.

And the intercourse in these movies is just goddamn ridiculous. I’m no gynecologist, but there’s no way you can grind some chick’s box while sitting a solid foot above her waist. Im-fucking-possible. Besides, who moans like that? Honey, if some guy is moving back and forth two inches, and you’re wailing like Christ himself is frenching your clit, then you need to give ol’ Mick here a call. Honestly. If that’s your idea of performance, I’m the Second Coming, pun intended.

The bottom line is that I’ve got to get my rocks off to this softcore stuff now that Rachel has dibs on our home computer. So to all of you pansy producers at Cinemax, listen up: I want to see wang and cunt. I want ass to mouth. I want all manner of vag ooze and sperm glistening down some chick’s thighs, and I certainly want to see some hard fucking.

And yes, maybe my wife would bang me more if I paid more attention to our relationship, but damn it, a man’s got to have his priorities straight.

Trascher: Losing it over chipotle

(Toledo, OH) Susan Trascher has been married to her husband Mark for ten years, and she admits that "he does some things that really get under [her] skin."

Still, Mark's insistence on pronouncing the word "chipotle" in a fashion that rhymes with "bottle" is proving to be an insurmountable hurdle for the couple, she told Toledo Tales reporters.

"When he first did it at the Lawrence's barbecue last summer, I just kind of winced and let it go," she said, adding that she corrected him on the way home. "But since then he seems to be taking a perverse pleasure in pronouncing it that way."

Trascher said that her husband's initial mispronunciation was just the beginning.

"Then he starts pronouncing the first syllable sound like 'sky,' so now it's coming out like 'CHY-pottle,'" she said, clenching her fists. "And what's worse is that he's always sneaking a look at me when he does it, like he's trying to purposely set me off. God!"

Left: Herbal source of strife between the Traschers

To make matters worse, said Trascher, Mark seems to be going out of his way to use the smoke-dried jalapeño chilis in meals.

"Yeah, all of a sudden he's Paul-fucking-Prudhomme in the kitchen, all the while yapping about his Chy-pottles," she grimaced. "This from a guy who couldn't make Kraft Easy Mac without burning the noodles until last year. I'll tell you what - the next time I do something that rattles him, I am going to become the world's foremost authority on whatever annoying shit it turns out to be."

Labels: chipotle, Toledo

(Toledo, OH) Construction along Toledo's Detroit Avenue has brought aboutr a marked decrease in business for local crack dealers, who expressed their frustrations with Toledo Tales reporters.

"Since it started, road construction on Detroit has cut my business nearly in half," replied an angry Kyle Prentice. "Most of my people usually come in the afternoon, and they haven’t come in lately because traffic has been backed up. People don't want to drive through a construction zone to buy rock when they can go around the corner without any hassles."

Fellow dealer Tre Manning said that his regular customers may have switched to other dealers on clear streets.

"I think crackheads have forgotten that we're here and what good deals we can hook them up with," he said, shaking his head. "Crackheads are notoriously fickle customers, and they probably think the orange barrels have cops hiding in them or something."

Detroit Avenue crack dealers have few options beyond acquiescence, added Manning.

"It's not like we can pick up and start moving the rock on somebody else's corner. There's fixed costs, existing leases, and the likelihood the other guy will bust a fat cap in your ass," he mused. "It's obvious Mayor Finkbeiner and the city just don't care about small businessmen, and it's a shame that the little man always gets screwed."

Labels: crack dealers, crack heads, Toledo