Toledo Tales

Left: Artist's rendition of the proposed new "incarceration district" with One Government Center at far right

(Toledo, OH) Frustrated by efforts to attract commercial and retail entrepreneurs to Toledo's downtown business district - while simultaneously facing a $57 million drop in taxes with the likely defeat of the city's 3/4% temporary income tax - Toledo mayor Carty Finkbeiner announced today that the city will reposition itself as the "correctional center of America."

"Let's face it - the single industry that has shown consistent growth over the last twenty years is that of domestic prisons," he told reporters gathered at the press conference . "It is time that Toledo stands up and declares that we are primed for the business of housing the nation's burgeoning incarcerated population. Philadelphia's gangsters and Chicago's rapists will be a source of much-needed tax revenue and local jobs. That, plus the area hotels and motels will get a boost from the out-of-town visitors of inmates. Win-freaking-win, baby!"

Finkbeiner said that estimates from the city's economic development specialists project a $200-400 million growth in the local economy due to the opening of a cluster of minimum, medium, and maximum security prison facilities in what was once the central business district.

"While we might prefer the relocation of Fortune 500 companies here in downtown Toledo, we have to be realistic about our dwindling options," he said, pausing to slap an imaginary bug on his arm. "It was either prisons, or we go all-out into making Toledo the nation's crystal meth capital. I do kind of like the nickname 'Crystal Valley," though. It kind of meshes well with 'Glass City,' you know?"

Left: Finkbeiner hoping Toledo becomes jail-bait for international correctional firms

An added bonus to the incarceration district, added Finkbeiner, was the rise of "ancillary industries" in the region.

"Look - inmates need all kinds of shit while they are in the calaboose, from toiletries to shanks to sympathetic rape counselors," he noted. "We've got all that and more. Toledo's doors are open so that they can be slammed shut behind the poor, the minorities, and the convicted of this country. Give Toledo your prisoners, America!"

Finkbeiner added that the city was also exploring similar options with foreign governments.

"Hey: why should those lazy Cubans and Bulgarians get a monopoly on the extra-judicial torture gravy train?" he asked, looking over his shoulder at an unseen adversary. "We've got an international airport here, and there's a booming business in extraordinary rendition black ops sites. It's time that Toledo gets a piece of the international abuse industry, and I am the mayor to lead the way."

Labels: Carty Finkbeiner, prisons, Toledo

(Toledo, OH) Local bowling afficianado and underemployed lawn maintenance technician Nathan "Nappy" Jazubowski has a "bitchin' offer" to Democratic presidential candidates Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.

"Pretty basically, people: Nappy's vote is on the auction block," announced Jazubowski to local media members. "The Napster can be yours for the taking, and I can even gift-wrap the ballot, if you got a shiny box or whatever."

Jazubowski noted that the close race means that "every extra vote counts."

"It's like demand and supply, dudes: a vote from Nappy might just put your ass over the top," he said, pausing to draw a big-league toke from his blunt. "I figure that my incremental vote should bring at least $50 or so."

The proceeds of the auction, added Jazubowski, benefit a "worthy cause."

"The cash shall be righteously applied to important medical supplies," he said. "HIPPA laws prevent me from disclosing the specifics, but you can rest assured that the pharmaceutical acquisitions will address a Chronic need."

Labels: Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Ohio primary

(Toledo, OH) Local embellishment specialist Dwayne Baxter told Toledo Tales reporters that he would have wasted no time finishing off NIU gunman Steven Kazmierczak.

"Look, man: I was a sharpshooter in 'Nam, and I never leave home without my Nova .12gauge with a #18 barrel and ghost sights," he noted. "No choke, smoothbore. I can launch a slug and hit a 24"x12" target at 500 yards with no problems, and I'd have blown that skinny punk's head clean off, like a grape getting hit with baseball bat."

Baxter said that he once faced an even more serious situation than the NIU massacre.

"I once got jumped by five Mexican MS-13 gang members with semi-automatic Barettas," he recalled. "I killed two by breaking their necks with my bare hands, then shot two with one bullet, straight through both of their fucking heads. I turned the last one into a drooling quadraplegic, but left him alive as a reminder that no one - NO ONE - messes with the Baxter-man."

Baxter added that the MS-13 attack left him with an unexpected problem.

"When I finished off the last beaner, his hot Chicana girlfriend came on to me," he said. "She was like J-Lo, except with bigger hooters. I'm telling you dude, she was all over me like ants on candy, right there in the alley. She unzipped my fly and took out my hard cock and started rubbing it all over her tits. Then she went down on me until I came, blowing this half-quart load on her face. Freaky shit, dude, but hand-to-God true, every bit."

Guest Editorial by Connor Mason,
local bodybuilder

I can't believe all the dipwads who think they have turn on their gay-ass turn signals every time they change lanes or make a U-turn or whatever. What a total bunch of losers - you'd think that the BMV goes out of its way to issue licenses to whiny little bitches or something.

As far as the Connor-man is concerned, turn signals are for total pussies.

Turn signals are like hazard indicators: only to be used for emergencies, like when you have a cop on your tail and there's three open beers and a steroid syringe in the backseat. But I see idiots all the time using the damn things, and it's almost like they are saying I am stupid or something - if my front end is twelve inches from your bumper, chances are I am totally paying attention to the fact that you are turning, Homie.

You know what those turn signal queers are really saying, don't you? They are saying: "I am a rump-loving faggot, and I want some musclebound dude like Connor to shove his ten-inch ripped cock straight up my asshole!" That's what they are telling you when they go "dinky, dinky, dinky," and Connor ain't listening, y'all. The last place I'd be looking for rough roadside sex would be on the highway, what with all the hot action going on at the rest stops.

Hell, there's some totally hot chicks hanging out there, like this tall chick named Mel I hook up with sometimes at the I-75 rest area near Monroe, MI. She gives one hell of a blowjob, and the bitch has quite a set of biceps, which is really hot on a woman, let me tell you. And when I run my fingers through her bleach-blonde crewcut as she bobs on my knob behind the dumpster, I know what the word "nirvana" means, you know?

And you can bet Mel doesn't use her faggoty turn signals, although it's too bad about her terrible accident that keeps her from experiencing regular sex. Man, what I wouldn't give to run my hands on Mel's tight muscular thighs, but I respect her wanting privacy, what with the blow-torch that freaked-out psycho used on her when she was just a little kid, giving her all that grisly tissue in her woman-parts area. Almost makes her look like she's getting a woody, which would be totally gay.

So, don't use those turn signals, unless you are the kind of weirdo who likes getting butt-drilled by anonymous muscular men out in the woods. And if you're that kind of freak, better hope I doesn't find out, because I'd wrestle your fruity gay ass to the ground in a heartbeat, pal, and you'd get a hot earful from me about your degenerate ways.

(Toledo, OH) The incessant gut rumblings, which began for Toledo resident Paul Montague "four hours after a bowl of All-Bran," bode well for the local man.

His decision to choose a high-fiber cereal over a breakfast of leftover pizza gave Montague what he termed his "own personal Super Bowl."

"The first score was a little dump-off, nothing too fancy," he recalled. "But it was the second one - the long bomb - that told me my bowels were really cooking."

Montague said that the next two touchdowns were the result of "intestinal fortitude."

"Both were running scores, and on both plays I thought I wasn't going to make it," he said. "Both scores were the result of some lightning quick moves and lucky breaks, since the can was empty each time. Otherwise, I was looking at fourth and shart."

Capping the scoring for Montague was a late score by the defense.

"I wasn't sure if I had any more in me, so I allowed a safety just to be prudent," he noted of the unusual call to sit on the toilet without an urge to defecate. "Better to give myself room for a free kick, if you know what I mean."

Labels: Super Bowl, Toledo