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Opinion: Where is MY Bag of Cash That Fell off a Brink's Truck?

A guest editorial by Mr. Todd Perryman

In the news today I saw another lucky son-of-a-bitch who came across a sack of money in the middle of the street while driving his pickup truck.

By my count that is at least the 807th time this has happened in the past year.

What I want to know is this: Where the hell is MY bag of cash that fell off a Brink's truck?

Some people wait for their "ships to come in," and others play the lottery.

Me? I'm waiting for that bag of cash that fell off of a Brink's truck.

It's pretty simple - the 807 times this has happened are only the ones that the Brinks Company has told the public. The way I got it figured, there is a mechanical defect in the rear doors of Brinks trucks that causes them to pop open at the slightest bump in the road.

Do you think they would actually report all of the times this has happened? I don't think so, Paco.

So day after day I keep my eyes open for Brinks bags on the side of the road, and some days I even follow Brinks trucks. I just know I am going to find my very own Brinks bag soon. Very soon.

The odds are in my favor, you know. I've been watching Brinks Truck #1034TA for a couple of weeks now, and those fuckers have never lost a bag. Given the company's terrible track record of money sacks falling off the back of trucks, they are way overdue, my friend.

And when it happens - I'll pick up that cash and waltz right straight to Easyville.


Would-Be Swinger Bemoans "Straight-Laced" Church Members

Left: Misunderstood at Mass

(Toledo, OH) Ted Loffler doesn't consider himself paricularly "freaky," and he can't understand why the parishioners at St. Patrick's of Heatherdowns voiced such strenuous objections to his presence at the Catholic church.

"I've worn provocative clothing to church like, twice, but these people apparently have memories like elephants," he said, polishing his boots. "I mean, What Would Jesus Wear if he wanted to strike up a conversation with a good-looking couple?"

Loffler said that church ushers "forcibly removed" him last week when he appeared in drag.

"It was completely tasteful, sort of a Bo Peep meets Laura Ingalls Wilder deal, complete with pigtails," he said. "What's so wrong with looking like a young belle on her way to Mass?"

Left: "Have you seen my sheep, ma'am?"

Loffler said that he may have to switch parishes if the situation does not improve soon.

"For a Church that allowed Popes to have illegitimate children they sure are tight-assed - sorry for the cussing," he apologized. "It's just that I have so much to give, and people keep shutting me out. If they would just spend a few minutes with me, they would find out I am really a nice guy who just wants to get it on with a hot husband-and-wife team. Is that really so sinful?"


Bookie Not Paying Out on Finkbeiner-Smith Feud

Left: Napolitano has to see fists thrown

(Toledo, OH) Local numbers man Vic "Bigguns" Napolitano says that he will not be paying out on bets that Toledo Mayor Carty Finkbeiner would go berserk by Christmas, despite a heated exchange today with police chief Jack Smith.

Smith announced his resignation after the spat.

"Listen - all the reports said that the disputre was 'heated,' and that a subordinate stepped in before things got physical," he said, pounding the table for emphasis. "Carty's gotta throw a punch, poke someone int he chest, or level somebody with a 2'x4' before we pay. It's as simple as that."

Napolitano said that the odds on new bets about a Finbeiner explosion have changed.

"We have dropped from 3:2 all the way to 1:5 in the last three hours," he said, doublechecking his spreadsheets. "The bettors think it's more a question of 'when' rather than 'if' Carty will go apeshit."

Napolitano thought that the moment of Carty blowing his top would have occurred in the last two weeks with the bike path fiasco.

"I was taking even money that Carty was going to kick [WSPD host} Fred LeFebvre's ass," he said. "When he called Fred a liar on camera, and threatened to boycott WSPD advertisers, I thought that was it, but somehow he kept from having an aneurysm. Maybe Amy slipped him a couple Valium or something."

The veteran bookie added that he is now taking bets on a Finbeiner-Smith rematch.

"Right now it's 5:2 that Smith will kick the ever-lovin' bejeezus out of Carty, since he's a cop's cop," said Napolitano. "But there's no telling what that crazy-ass Finkbeiner might do when he goes nutso."


Fights Break Out in Line of People Leaving Toledo

By Toledo Tales contributor Feckless Freddie

Left: Lining up to get out

(Toledo, OH) Police reported that fights broke out in the lengthy line of people leaving this Midwestern city.

The Census Bureau reported last week that the city lost 1.15 percent of its population in 2005, which averages about ten exiting citizens per day.

Toledo Police, however, said the line has grown to "hundreds."

"Nobody wants to be the one of the last ones out," said Toledo Police chief Jack Smith. "There will be one hell of a tax bill for the unlucky bastards left behind."

Toledo Mayor Carty Finkbeiner, leaving One Government Center with a loaded suitcase, called upon Toledoans to "stick together and rebuild the city."

"Toledo is a place to be proud of," he said, sliding an airline boarding pass in his jacket. "Didn't you see the "Toledo Pride" signs? What more evidence do you need?"

Left: Grab it while you can

Local mugger Nathan "TJ" Powell was among the residents lined up to leave Toledo.

"Hey man - criminals gotta eat, too," he said, picking the pocket of an elderly man in front of him. "I can't hold up people who aren't even there."

Rifling through its contents, Powell shook his head at the slim pickings.

"Looks like the city and the county got here before me," he sighed.


Toledoan Worries About All Those Unused Anytime Minutes

Left: Where, exactly, are those minutes?

(Toledo, OH) Margaret Fletcher admits that she is not exactly "one of those technical-minded persons," but says that she can't help but be concerned about unused "Anytime Minutes" on her Sprint PCS account.

"Look - I was a Depression baby, so I learned to make the most of every dollar," she said. "Last month they gave me 200 Anytime Minutes, but I only used 180. Does anyone know where the other 20 went?"

Fletcher said it was not just the money that caused her to question the system.

"Somewhere, like maybe India or China, there are people who go to bed at night without their Anytime Minutes," she said. "Isn't there a way we can bundle up all those leftover minutes and send them overseas, or to the people of West Virginia?"

Left: And what about...

One organization, said Fletcher, could "do a world of good" by collecting up unused Anytime Minutes.

"Just imagine what those starving people in places like Ethiopia could do with Anytime Minutes," she said. "They could call up and order some food, that's what. If we could just find a way to get the minutes to them. Also, what happened to all those rotary dial phones, anyways? If we could use the old dial phones with the Anytime Minutes, we could solve a lot of world problems."


Weatherman Struggles to Find Catchy Name for Storm

(Toledo, OH) Powerful storms raced across Northwest Ohio last night, toppling trees and power lines, flooding streets, but leaving local weatherman Robert Shiels at a loss to describe the event with a pithy name.

"All the big storms have great names, like 'The Blizzard of 1978' or 'The Palm Sunday Tornado of 1965,' but this one is stumping me," admitted Shiels. "I mean, just say the words 'Hurricane Katrina' and everyone knows what you're talking about. We need that here."

In the Toledo area 5 inches of rain fell in five hours, while firefighters used rubber boats to rescue motorists stuck in the high water.

"We were thinking of 'The 2006 Thunderstorm with Lots of Heavy Rain and Lightning Bolts,' but that seemed a bit clunky," said the WTOL meteorologist. "And 'Really, Really Wicked Summer Storm of 2006' doesn't quite seem to capture the intensity of last night's weather."

Wind gusts reaching up to 60 mph roared through the area, and golf ball-size hail pelted cars and houses. Shiels said that, until the storm gets its own catchy name, residents will be deprived of the "cathartic nomenclature" needed before they can move on.

"Let's face it - telling your friends your tree got ripped up in 'The Major Storm 0f June 2006 that Didn't Quite Kill Anybody' is not as therapeutic as, say, 'Hellstorm Hugo,'" he said. "There are a lot of people counting on us getting this one right."


Area Heroin User "Not Impressed" with Fetanyl-Smack Blend

(Toledo, OH) Longtime opiate connoisseur Jerry Percival, contacted by Toledo Tales for his opinions on deadly heroin appearing in the Midwest, gave the fetanyl-based mix a less-than-glowing review.

"It's pale, papery white with fine persistent perlage, and has a rich, elegant bouquet with bright floral accents and hints of honeydew melon mingled with some sweetness," he said. "However, I'd have liked more fruit; to be frank it falls a bit short, and at present the tannins are showing their splintery side. Also, I did not get that great of a buzz."

Percival said his second dose, from the same dealer, showed "definite signs of contamination during the aging process."

"The result was a flat, lifeless smack that lost its pretty, vibrant fruit scents and tasted insipid -- it reminded me of vinegar," he said. "I also noticed a certain dullness in the color, and it degraded into a light yellow finish."

The hype about the bad heroin, said Percival, is largely a function of amateur users who accept an inferior product from disreputable dealers.

"Bad blow exists for the same reason that inappropriate ethnic jokes still make their rounds, because people do not speak up to condemn their use," he said, tightening a belt on his arm in preparation for another hit. "Some people are in such a hurry to get high that they will take the most sulphurous, bitter heroin cut with laundry detergent. As long as there are timid consumers, dealers will continue to proffer low-quality opiates."


Local Delivery Guy Fakes Palsy for Tips

Left: Marcuso and Wan reveling in their profits

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—Ed Marcuso, a full-time courier for Wan’s Hunan in downtown Toledo, has seen a drastic increase in gratuities this summer since he began faking the visible side-effects of palsy.

Marcuso, 38, is in relatively good health despite living in his mother’s basement and avoiding voluntary exercise.

This, however, has not prevented him from developing “the perfect scam.”

“I normally start the limp as soon as I’m out of the car,” Marcuso thoughtfully reflected. “Most folks peek out the window when they hear you pull up, so this is critical. The trick is to drag your right foot like your ex-girlfriend smashed it with a cinder block.”

Marcuso continued to detail his intricate routine.

“I normally greet people really, really loud—so goddamn loud they figure I’m smart enough to drive a car, but too retarded to check my public behavior,” revealed Marcuso. “That’s what I call the ‘pity ratio.’ From there, it’s all downhill—I drool a bit when smiling, count their money out loud…on a good night, I average $7 per house.”

Marcuso’s employer, Jimmy Wan, wishes his other couriers would take the initiative to generate additional income.

“That guy good—so good I fire single mother last week who beg for job,” Wan remarked. “He should teach acting class. My daughter sign up. She need to learn business.”


Toledo Man Helps Jump Start Consumer Spending

(Toledo, OH) Howard "Buck" Jackson saw news items this week on the economy, and saw fit to do his part to stimulate consumer spending.

"I saw this collection of them ceramic elves over at Odd Lots, and I bought the bunch for my wife," he said, setting down his ninth Bud Light. "She got a real kick out of them, although you wouldn't know it in the old marital department, if you know where I'm going."

Jackson also attempted to help out the automobile sector of the nation's economy.

"Pep Boys had a deal on chrome wheels - not those ugly-ass spinner kind like the dope dealers all have - so I got me a nice set for $800," he said, punctuating his reply with a loud belch. "Yessir - everyone has to pitch in to get America rolling again."

His next economic contribution, said Jackson, will likely be in the area of home improvements.

"The missus has been after me about getting one of those rollup awnings for the double-wide," he said, pausing to scratch his package. "But I am kind of leaning toward an extra shed to the transmission I am rebuilding. It's taking up way too much space in the living room."

Jackson said that his ability to flood the local economy with disposable income is due in large part to a recent settlement.

"While getting my vasectomy a few years back, the surgeon sort of butchered my left nut," he said. "Don't get me wrong - everything works just fine - but any hopes I had of doing porno went goodbye, unless I was to do one of them 'freak of nature' films. Picture a golf ball next to a marble, and you'll get where I'm coming from."

Jackson thought for a moment and asked: "Do you think $3,000 is enough for a beat-up testicle?"Bill Gates and Krugle team up


Carty: Yard Signs "Just the Start" of Bike Path Terror

Left: Time to play hardball

(Toledo, OH) Toledo mayor Carty Finkbeiner, angered at opposition to the bike path he proposed for South Toledo, vowed that he will do "whatever it takes" to convince residents to support the plan.

"You can get further with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word," he said, waving a baseball bat for emphasis. "Somebody messes with me, I'm gonna mess with him."

Finkbeiner said that he is shocked at the level of unhappiness that some residents have expressed about the plan.

"Now, I have done nothing to harm these people but they are angered with me, so what do they do, doctor up some income tax, for which they have no case," he said. "To speak to me like me, no, to harrass a peaceful man. I pray to God if I ever had a grievance I'd have a little more self respect."

The mayor said that he considers WSPD morning host Fred Lefebvre responsible for inflaming discontent among citizens about the bike path.

"I want this guy dead! I want his family dead! I want his house burned to the ground!" screamed Finkbeiner. "I want to go there in the middle of the night and piss on his ashes!"


Bookie Lays 3:2 Odds On Carty Going Berserk By Christmas

Left: Napolitano says Carty's due

(Toledo, OH) Local numbers man Vic "Bigguns" Napolitano has been following the career of Toledo Mayor Carty Finkbeiner for many years, and he can't believe that the volatile politician hasn't lost his temper yet.

"I mean, come on! Carty's over five months into the term, and he's only had a couple of public F-bombs," he said, shaking his head. "It's like sticking a cork in Old Faithful - eventually, you know it's gonna blow."

Napolitano is so sure that Finkbeiner will have "a major cow" by Christmas that he is taking bets on the likelihood that the feisty pol will take a swing at someone.

"To my mind this is a sure thing, hence the low spread," he said, poring over spreadsheets. "It's the physical part that's the catch. If he has a couple of verbal tirades before then, he might be able to keep from killing someone. If not, we could be talking multiple homicides."

The veteran bookie said that there has been "a ton of interest" in the betting action on Carty Finkbeiner getting violent.

"There's not a plant in town where we aren't pulling in $1,000 a week on this one," he said. "My guys can hardly keep up with the calls. We've had to keep someone hanging around One Government Center seven days a week just to meet the action. Face it - the guy is a ticking time bomb, and everybody wants a piece of this bet."


Local Dog Thinks You Should Do Something About Your Cat

(Toledo, OH) A local canine interviewed by Toledo Tales is quite perturbed at the "punk-ass looks" he keeps getting from your cat.

Hopper, a black-and-white dog of multiple ancestries, spoke to reporters in the hope that something will be done about the problem.

"I'm a pretty easygoing dog, and I am usually content with a bark or two toward the average cat," he said. "But if that cat of yours gives me that smarmy, arrogant look again I will rip out his throat."

Hopper said that the problems with your cat have been going on for "many months" now.

"I'd say that Mr. Cat has used up eight of his nine lives," he said. "The clock is ticking, and the jig is about up on Kitty-Boy."

Appealing to your sense of fairness, Hopper asks that you take immediate action.

"Listen - I don't want to cause any trouble, or make you feel threatened," he said, sniffing at an unidentified object next to your front door. "But there's only so much a dog can take, and dammit - I'm at my wit's end here. Either the cat knocks this shit off, or I will not be responsible for the carnage that will ensue."


Toledo Gambler "Can't Wait" for 7-7-7

Left: Dice-rollin' Caz plans his next move

(Toledo, OH) Local gambling fan Caz Taraskiewicz said that, unlike evangelicals fearful of the date 6-6-6, he is "pretty pumped" about the date of 7-7-7 next year.

"Oh yeah! You know I'll be playing craps on that day," he said. "I'll be buying lottery tickets at 7-Eleven, cramming my feet into size 7 shoes, and drinking nothing but 7-and-7s all day. Hoo-ah!"

Taraskiewicz said that yesterday's "lucky" 6-6-6 day is proof of the power of numerology.

"Nothing bad happened, so that means that numbers are essentially good," he said. "Therefore 7-7-7 will be REALLY good. I am thinking of putting on a Seven Dwarves shirt, too."

Taraskiewicz admitted he "blew a few bucks" in the 3-digit lottery on 6-6-6 last night.

"Six hundred and sity-six, to be exact," he sheepishly added. "I played the number 6-6-6 boxed and straight." Why are you looking for hidden text?


Local Jogger is Better Than You

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—Amateur runner Melissa Thompson, 26, runs five miles a day, and judges everyone she knows by their comparative degree of physical fitness.

At a lean 115 lbs., Thompson has a naturally slender physique, but nonetheless exercises constantly and is painfully conscious about her calorie intake.

“I realize fat people, er, overweight people have seriously glandular issues and stuff,” Thompson sympathetically remarked in an exclusive interview with Toledo Tales. “That is why I think they should have their own gyms, their own lunch counters, hell — why not even their own water fountains? I mean, it’s all in the name of equality.”

Thompson said that she believes her relationship with exercise borders on the spiritual.

"It's kind of like that Mahatma Gandalf dude," she said. "He pushed that whole aseptic lifestyle to get close to God or Buddha or whatever he was into. The point is, running can equal perfection."

Thompson’s friends agree that her fixation on appearance can, at times, cloud her perception of reality.

“Once she dumped a guy because he ordered fried ice cream at the Olive Garden,” revealed Sara Muir, Thompson’s roommate. “But she’s a free spirit, you know? You can’t fault her for having principles — like only eating one meal a day and then puking it back up.”


Area Man Mulls Preemptive Strike Against Neighbor's Rogue Lawn

Left: Satellite photo of weed enrichment facilities

(Sylvania, OH) Tired of his neighbor's lackadaisical attitude toward lawn menaces, Sylvania resident Larry Incaviglia is about to take matters into his own hands.

"The lawn next door is a haven for chickweed, dandelions, and nutsedge," he said, pointing out pockets of suspected weed activity. "If Craig Perry is going to harbor rogue cells of weeds, I will have no choice but to act in a unilateral fashion to protect my lawn."

Attempts to mediate through the homeowner's association, said Incaviglia, have been futile.

"There's a lot of talk about possible sanctions - including leaving him out of the annual neighborhood garage sale in August - but the committee members are spineless," he said. "If I wait for them to act, the safety of my Kentucky bluegrass will be in jeopardy. Perry continues to thumb his nose at the community of homeowners."

Left: Incaviglia on patrol against lawn terrors

At this point, said Incaviglia, all possibilities for dealing with the weed enrichment facilities remain on the table.

"Perry continues to rebuff any overtures to open a dialogue about the threat of noxious weeds," he said. "I therefore am not ruling out any options, including hitting his entire property with a full-spectrum herbicide in the middle of the night to kill every living plant."

Another neighbor said Incaviglia, though "anal retentive about his lawn," nonetheless should not be taken lightly by the Perry household.

"I watched that guy use up like ten bottles of Roundup at the Wilson's house when they went on vacation last year," said Angela Kwiatkowski. "The Perrys had better realize that this guy means business." Why are you looking for hidden text?


Toledo Senior Insists on Paying by Check, Halting Universe

Fleming’s Withered Hands at Work

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—Gerty Fleming, 75, a Toledo native, is a typical senior citizen: she likes decaffeinated coffee, crossword puzzles, and the early bird special at Bob Evans.

Despite her impressive vitality, however, Fleming refuses to make any purchase by cash or credit card, thus slowing the entire universe to a grinding halt every time she ventures into public.

“I was stuck behind her at Kroger last week, and almost beat myself to death with a cantaloupe,” remarked James Cafferty, a local mechanic. “I can deal with the coupons and the idle small talk, but Jesus — who writes a check for $16? She didn’t even know what store she was in.”

Fleming’s archaic method of payment has led to several altercations in recent weeks, but unfortunately she is determined to thwart the speed of modern consumerism.

“My husband James did two tours in Korea, and always paid by check,” Fleming boasted in an exclusive interview with Toledo Tales. “If that isn’t good enough for those Latinos and their precious fruit stand, than I’ll take my business elsewhere. I have my pride, you know.”."Haditha Lost Macbook Clay Aiken Youtube

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