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Codependent Couple United by Captain Morgan, Pills

Dysfunctional, codependent couple (Toledo, OH) Toledo couple Richard and Greta Carmody have found that the secret to relationship longevity is found in an unusual source: intoxicants.

"Pretty simple - Greta doesn't give me any shit about doing what I do," said Richard, knocking back a triple shot of Captain Morgan. "She gives me space, and stays the hell out of stuff that really isn't any of her goddamn business. Am I right?"

Greta said that she enjoys reading, knitting, and watching television.

"I really like that show 'House,' with that crazy Doctor Greg," she said, eyeing husband Richard as he downed a couple of Vicodin. "Sometimes Richard watches it with me, don't you, Richard? Do you need some ice, sweetie?"

Captain MorganCaptain Morgan, bringing people together and getting some of them drunk since 1944

Grunting in the kitchen, Richard seemed oblivious to his wife's comments in his effort to find another bottle of rum. Greta told Toledo Tales reporters that she "totally understands" what Richard has been going through.

"Since he lost his job at Jeep, he's been under a lot of stress," she said of Richard's 2002 firing. "And he's having trouble sleeping, too, so I try not to be a sourpuss."

Ultimately, though, Greta just knows what the limits are, said Richard.

"She almost never crosses the line, you know?" he asked, opening a pint of his favorite spiced liquor. "And when she does, let's just say that she jumps back on the right side real quick."


Local Weed Man Holds Holiday Clearance Sale

By Toledo Tales contributor Feckless Freddie

Left: "Piper," a local dope man

(Toledo, OH) Piper, a local pharmaceuticals rep, said that he and his sales associates are in the midst of a "totally massive" holiday clearance sale.

"Listen up - you can save 40% off this low-grade homegrown bud that's been laying around my place for a couple of months," he said, holding up several ounces of weed. "Tastes like hell, but the THC content is just as good as any imported Northern Lights or Jamaican Red."

Piper said that his firm also has seasonal specials on pills, heroin, and cocaine.

"Smack, weed, or speed - we got what you need!" he said, using his crew's motto. "Our merchandise is priced to move, baby, and our dealers are authorized to take any reasonable offer: food stamps, sex, and used cars are always welcome in lieu of cash."

Heroin stashBe sure to stock up on smack for the holiday rush

Changes in the local supplier network, said Piper, have flooded the local drug market with excess merchandise.

"Face it - a dealer may be downsizing, moving facilities, or just need to reduce his inventory for any number of reasons," he said. "He's willing to sell products for less than cost to get a quick sale, like if his girlfriend needs an abortion, or if he owes his bookie ten grand. We purchase these products and pass the savings on to you."

Piper said that in the dope business, customer service is the key to success.

"You want it? We've got it! In order to provide the most hassle-free dope experience, we are constantly working with our suppliers to add new products so you have plenty of options from which to choose," he said. "Bottom line - you are the reason we are here. Call us!"


Local Man Uses Only Prime Numbers

(Toledo, OH) Harold Primzahl's fascination with prime numbers began at an early age.

"When I played with blocks, I only used the ones with 2, 3, 5, and 7," he told Toledo Tales reporters. "The other ones I chucked down the furnace duct."

Primzahl provided an explanation for his primephilia.

"Listen - any number that can be divided by a number other than itself or 1 is weak, sniveling, and not deserving of my trust," he said. "Besides, every even integer greater than 2 can be written as a sum of two primes, and every odd integer greater than 5 can be written as a sum of three primes. What more do you need from a set of numbers?"

Prime numbersLeft: The objects of Goerrer's affection

Primzahl has integrated prime numbers into every facet of his life.

"I live at 1051 Oak, which is a prime number, and I had to fight like hell to get Ameritech to give me the prime 693-7963 as a phone number," he said, proudly adding that local area code 419 is a prime. "When I cook microwave popcorn, it's for exactly for 101 seconds, and I heat cans of soup for 163 seconds."

Unfortunately, the number 1 is not prime, and the single Primzahl hopes to correct this most glaring of non-prime aspects of his life.

"When I meet that someone special, we will be prime," he said, referencing the number 2. "Until then, my life is not complete, and I remain untrue to my primal urge. Heh heh - 'primal.' Get it? I crack myself up sometimes."


Local Dog Pissed that Thanksgiving Dinner is at the In-Laws

Black dog of mixed ancestry (Toledo, OH) Hopper, a local canine of uncertain ancestry, is "severely bummed" that his owners are traveling to the Cleveland area for Thankgiving dinner.

"What kind of jacked-up, warmed-over bullshit is that?" he asked Toledo Tales reporters. "Thanksgiving is the one day I don't have to eat those dried bone meal pellets you people call 'food,' and now you yank even that way from me."

Hopper fondly reminisced about last year's Thanksgiving dinner.

"Oh yeah, I was eating like it was my full-time job - I got at least three platefuls of food from stuff the grandchildren were slipping me under the kid table," he said, licking his chops. "And when I jumped on the counter and snatched half a turkey carcass, I was in heaven. At least, until [owner] Phil kicked me hard in the ass and yelled 'bad dog.' But it was worth it, dude."

Thanksgiving Day dinnerLeft: The delicious meal in which Hopper will not be entering full-scale mooch mode

Hopper said that he plans a "total guerilla campaign" in the house while the family is gone.

"Let there be no misunderstanding - I will shred garbage all over the house, chew on the legs of the dining room table, and plant a huge turd right by the front door," he threatened. "I have been dealt a terrible hand by Fortuna, and you bastards will pay. Big time."


Rented Lexus Does Not Help Loser at Class Reunion

Lexus Left: $145 a night, but Mendelsohn is still a twit

(Toledo, OH) Larry Mendelsohn spent most of his high school years being the butt of many cruel jokes, and never once succeeded in getting a date with a girl who was not the daughter of one of his mom's friends.

"I was pretty much your basic loser," he admitted to Toledo Tales reporters. "So I wanted to make an impression at my 20-year class reunion."

To accomplish this lofty goal Mendelsohn rented a Lexus GS luxury sport sedan, complete with a 4.3-litre V8 engine, leather seats, and built-in GPS.

"This car has, like, everything - even the new adaptive variable suspension that allows you to fine-tune suspension damping with four settings ranging from normal-mode for everyday driving to a sport-mode for a tighter, more precise feel," he said, showing off the settings to reporters. "And check this out - it's got Adaptive Front lighting System (AFS), which helps illuminate a turn or curve when you steer into it. Cool!"

GeekLeft: Still geeky after all these years

Mendelsohn, who is an assistant manager in appliances at Best Buy, said that his plan fell awry moments after arriving at the reunion.

"Pretty basically, they picked up right where they left off in 1986, with me getting shit on all night," he mused. "I kept dropping hints to get people to look at my car, but no one would go out to the parking lot."

Mendelsohn added that he took many "extra steps" to bring attention to his Lexus, but no one seemed to care.

"Yeah - I tried the old "leaving-the-key-ring-out" trick, and the "oops-I-dropped-my-key-ring" trick, but nothing worked," he said. "The babes can't get magnetized if they don't see the fucking car, right? I couldn't even get the chick at the 24-hour gas station to give me a second look, and I'm pretty goddamned sure she was a tranny. Screw it."


Opinion: Not Every Woman on the Street is a Whore

Woman on the streetGuest editorial by Misty Mitchell, offended person on the street

Excuse me? What did you just say? "Hey, baby?"

Where do you get off thinking I am a streetwalking hooker, you perverted, knuckle-dragging asshole?

So you feel that women should be harassed because of their clothing? How would you like someone to arbitrarily label you, treat you like less of a person, and then dismiss you based on their interpretation of our clothes?

Street harassment is a form of sexual harassment that often takes place in public spaces. At its core is a power dynamic that constantly reminds historically subordinated groups (women and LGBT folks, for example) of their vulnerability to assault in public. Furthermore, it reinforces in a very disgusting manner the ubiquitous sexual objectification of these groups in everyday situations.

Humans communicate on very fine levels of body language and you KNOW very well you were invading my space. It is not about the words used, it is about the feeling of the encounter and the demeaning way in which you assumed I was a piece of meat for your negotiated pleasure.

Oh, so now you're "sorry?" I think not, dickwad.

Being harrassed everytime you leave your house is not acceptable. Just because we're supposedly the "fairer sex" doesn't mean women need to hear about it every two blocks. We are people with priorities, families, issues and aspirations, and have a right to walk without being harassed.

Woman on the street Today I wrote down the license number, model, and make of every car that stalked me --including the asshole in the light blue pickup truck who followed me for two blocks. You'd better pray nothing bad happens to me, because the police are going to find that list, and then you can explain to your wife or girlfriend why you are a person of interest in a sex crime.

A "blow job?" That's twenty bucks. Pull around and park in the alley. Money up front, asshole.

But don't forget - street harassment is a continuum of acts that hurts all women and maintains their second-class citizen status. Even crack whores like me.


Husband's Pronunciation of "Chipotle" Drives Wife Fucking Batty

Irritated woman(Toledo, OH) Susan Trascher has been married to her husband Mark for ten years, and she admits that "he does some things that really get under [her] skin."

Still, Mark's insistence on pronouncing the word "chipotle" in a fashion that rhymes with "bottle" is proving to be an insurmountable hurdle for the couple, she told Toledo Tales reporters.

"When he first did it at the Lawrence's barbecue last summer, I just kind of winced and let it go," she said, adding that she corrected him on the way home. "But since then he seems to be taking a perverse pleasure in pronouncing it that way."

Trascher said that her husband's initial mispronunciation was just the beginning.

"Then he starts pronouncing the first syllable sound like 'sky,' so now it's coming out like 'CHY-pottle,'" she said, clenching her fists. "And what's worse is that he's always sneaking a look at me when he does it, like he's trying to purposely set me off. God!"

ChipotleLeft: Herbal source of strife between the Traschers

To make matters worse, said Trascher, Mark seems to be going out of his way to use the smoke-dried jalapeño chilis in meals.

"Yeah, all of a sudden he's Paul-fucking-Prudhomme in the kitchen, all the while yapping about his Chy-pottles," she grimaced. "This from a guy who couldn't make Kraft Easy Mac without burning the noodles until last year. I'll tell you what - the next time I do something that rattles him, I am going to become the world's foremost authority on whatever annoying shit it turns out to be."


Noe to Begin New Career as Prison Yard Power Broker

Tom Noe, convicted GOP fundraiser (Toledo, OH) Former GOP fundraiser Tom Noe, convicted Monday of embezzling from a rare-coin investment fund in a scandal that destroyed the chances of Ohio’s Republican Party in last week's elections, said that he was looking forward to employing his skills as a political kingmaker in the state corrections system.

“I have spent my adult life running political organizations and winning political campaigns,” Noe told Toledo Tales. "I plan to build on my successes in the outside world to achieve success in the world of pen politics, especially as defined by the acquisition of many cartons of cigarettes."

The Ohio Bureau of Workers’ Compensation gave Noe $25 million in 1998, followed by another $25 million in 2001 to invest in rare coins. While Noe acknowledged he has some of that money "tucked away," he said he will not be taking any of it with him to prison.

“In the prison hierarchy you have to have a history of fighting and winning, in difficult circumstances, even while being outnumbered in many cases,” he said. “It is in precisely this environment that I excel, although I still have to figure out the whole shanking thing.”

Noe believes that he will be able to negotiate his way through the maze of gang affiliations in state prisons.

"Listen up - I totally understand the colors 'red' and 'blue,' and how power in a cell block can quickly shift," he said. "I see my job as helping a group like the Bloods maintain power, appeal to the electorate, and allocate committee assignments. Oh, and not killing me. That's also pretty important."

Prison cellLeft: Noe's sparsely-furnished office belies his grand designs.

Noe said he believes that prison politics to this point have run on "antiquated" principles.

"Gangs have to come together as a unified party. There can be no more factions and no more personal agendas and going off in a group and trying to work backroom deals," he said. "I'm a practical person. I think we have some challenges ahead of us, and solving prison problems is more important to me than any label, especially ones like 'fresh meat' and 'fine-ass whiteboy bitch.' That's just wrong, and it's dirty politics, and I refuse to sink to the level of my political opponents."


Toledo Anarcho-Feminist Syndicate Making Headway into Overthrowing the Global Capitalist System

Left: United and committed to change

(Toledo, OH) The five members of the Toledo-area Workers' Solidarity Collective said that they have been "pleased" with the results of their efforts to transform capitalist society through action by the working class on the industrial front.

"Without a doubt - the revolutionary libertarian concepts of class-struggle, federalism, direct economic action, local autonomy and mutual aid are all deeply rooted in American labor traditions," said Mitch Bednarski, a member of the group. "We are taking this message directly to the workers, and they have responded positively. I even got a good dialogue going about class conflict with this 14-year-old, until her mother yanked her away."

Bednarski said that the group conducted a "consciousness-raising session" at a local Wal-Mart store this morning.

"Workers and customers seemed very happy to hear the message," he said, adding that the group distributed over 300 self-published flyers on recycled paper with soy-based ink. "This was one of our most successful events to date, and we totally expect that our email box will be overflowing when we check it later."

Left: Consciousness-raising publication distributed at Central Avenue Wal-Mart

Contacted by Toledo Tales, Wal-Mart manager Bruce Greene said that the Workers' Solidarity Collective members were "well-behaved."

"When they pulled up, I thought: 'Uh-oh, another bunch of hippie freaks,' but they stayed out of the store, and didn't beat on drums or anything," he said. "But I gotta tell you - I'm pretty sure you aren't going to win any converts with the whole 'we-refuse-to-wear-deodorant' deal. Those folks had a Class-5 case of collective B.O. going, that's for sure."

Bednarski said that he is "totally convinced" Tuesday's elections are a sign that the revolution is near.

"Political rights do not exist because they have been legally set down on a piece of paper, but only when they have become the ingrown habit of a people, and when any attempt to impair them will meet with the violent resistance of the populace," he said. "But if the Bush regime's police state legislation is still law in 2008, the Democrats will only prove that they are similar agents of global capital. And - for the record - the natural odor of my armpits is beautiful. Thank you."


Local Peeping Tom Concerned about Your Waistline

(Toledo, OH) Neighborhood voyeur Evan Pisanelli remembers a time when peering through your bedroom window was "something special."

"I made sure to get to your house about 10:00 every night when you were getting ready for bed," he admitted. "The sight of your half-naked tush was worth the effort to climb up your maple tree."

Unfortunately, said Pisanelli, your tendency to snack in bed is becoming a "real turn-off," as you have begun to put on more than a few extra pounds.

"There was a time when you would bend over while putting on your underwear and I could still see that nice firm stomach," he wistfully recalled. "Those days are long gone, my friend. Frankly, you are getting fatter than a fly in an outhouse, and I think I speak for both of us when I say it's time for you to shape up."

Left: Worried about your health

Pisanelli said that he has been "really hesitant" to broach the subject with you up to this point.

"Let's face it - you are kind of sensitive about your weight, and I am not trying to give you an ultimatum," he said, polishing his binoculars. "And Lord knows we all are. But if you want this relationship to move to the next level, I think you might want to start counting calories. I want us to both grow old together, watching our grandchildren frolic around the house in their tighty-whities. Don't you?"


Toledo Woman Totally Disagrees with Today’s WTOL Futurecast

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

Willis gives Shiels the “stink eye” through the 37" display

(Toledo, OH) 29-year-old Belinda Willis, a lifelong Toledo native, has never been one to make a fuss.

But this morning, as Willis began planning her outfit for a long day of preliminary Christmas shopping, she couldn’t avoid bickering with Robert Shiels’s forecast on WTOL-11.

“There is no freaking way it’s gonna hit 50 degrees today…this guy’s on drugs,” Willis huffed as she angrily slid on a pair of wool socks. “There’s just no way. Yesterday he said it would be 48, light, and breezy — it barely hit 39, and was so overcast I turned my headlights on mid-day. What a jackass.”

Willis also added that she could "get better weather info from the retarded guy who bags groceries" at the Monroe Street Kroger's.

"At least that drooling feeb is outside fetching carts once in a while," she said. "Maybe he is always trying to stare down my shirt when he throws the bags in my car, but at least he knows what the weather is."

Willis believes that Shiels is a "lying sack of" canine excrement

Willis became even more contemptuous when she considered Shiels’s handsome compensation for his disastrous prognostications.

“I bet he makes $60K a year, easy. How can he even look himself in the mirror when his 'Futurecasts' are accurate less than 10 percent of the time?” Willis muttered as she threw an umbrella and spare set of gloves in the backseat of her Corolla. “Someone should club his knees with a tire iron. Then maybe he’d get this shit right. Holy crap—I think I just saw a snowflake.”


Local Dog Blames Mysterious "Other Dog" for Holes in Your Lawn

Black dog of mixed ancestry (Toledo, OH) Hopper, a local canine of uncertain ancestry, is not sure how the chunks of turf were ripped up from your lawn, but he wants you to know he had nothing to do with the crime.

"Look - I know I've done stupid stuff like this in the past," he said, cocking his head sideways. "But you've gotta believe me - it was this OTHER DOG, I swear."

Hopper was unable to provide much in the way of a helpful description.

"It was dark, so I didn't get a good look," he said, wagging his tail. "But I'd know that smell anywhere. I have a nose like a bloodhound, mister."

Silhoette of a dogLeft: Artist's conception of the mystery dog, based upon Hopper's recollection

Hopper added that he would be happy to keep an eye out for the mystery pooch.

"No problem, that," he said, sitting on his haunches. "It's the least I can - hey! What's with the rolled-up newspaper?"

Copyright 2007, Toledo Tales ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. Toledo Tales ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of Toledo Tales ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Toledo Tales ® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

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