Toledo Tales

(Toledo, OH) Police and animal investigators removed several dozen Australian wombats from a north Toledo home in what was described as a "failed wombat-fighting ring."

Police also arrested LaGrange Street resident Marty Kensington, 45, on cruelty charges.

Interviewed by Toledo Tales, Kensington expressed remorse at his actions.

"The bastard who sold them to me said they were vicious killers," said Kensington. "I paid $300 bucks for a pair of eucalyptus-leaf eating retards who just stare at each other with a dull glare."

Kensington tried many techniques to get the wombats to fight, but all they would do is "eat and breed."

"Yeah, I tried poking 'em with sticks, yelling at 'em, and dumping acid on their heads, but nothing seemed to work," he said. "They just sit there and stare at you, drooling and grunting."

The animals, said Kensington, have been a bad investment, and he was "relieved" when police arrived.

"Not only will they not fight, but they dig their way out of every kennel I've built," he said. "Good riddance, I say about the smelly bastards."

(Toledo, OH) The recent spikes in gas prices have adversely affected an unlikely demographic - Toledo's streetwalkers.

One local hooker, "Candy," expressed her unhappiness with the rise in crude oil prices that precipitated the current gas crunch.

"Yeah, so I was going down on this dude in his car the other day, and all of a sudden he turns off the A/C," she said, touching up her lipstick. "I'm like, 'what the fuck, it's 95 degrees in the shade!' Cheap bastard wanted to save gas."

Candy also described the effects that reduced income had on her clientele.

"This one regular named Jimmy shows up on his kid's ten-speed and wants me to get on the handlebars," she said, popping her gum. "What a moron."

The veteran hooker said that business negotiations have also been impacted.

"This one dude is like, 'all I got is fifteen bucks,'" she said, smoothing out her miniskirt. "He said he spent it all at the gas station. I told him to go buy himself a bottle of hand lotion and fuck himself."

Left: Pastor Eric "Snot" Bacon

(Sylvania, OH) Tapping into what it sees as "disaffected young Christians," Sylvania church Death Realm Christ Hole brings uncompromising political philosophy and an abrasive punk aesthetic to its audience.

"Punk music came and was a slap in the face for everybody to say, 'Hey! Let's just write a bunch of really great songs, go out there and kick them as hard as we can!"" said pastor Snot Bacon. "We are here to say that it's OK to say 'Fuck Off' in a church setting."

The traditional altar and pulpit are replaced at Death Realm Christ Hole with a stage and mosh pit. Bacon said that even older worshippers jump in the pit.

"There was an old lady here last week that totally decked this 16-year old Goth chick," he laughed. "Way cool; that's what her faith was all about, you know?"

Left: Moshing for Jesus

Featuring songs like "It's Getting Easier For Me To Die," "The Destruction Of Everything You Love," and "Mary's Rotten Afterbirth," the church hopes to use contemporary punk music in a faux club atmosphere to bring punks closer to God.

"Listen - there are like many ways to God, mon," said Bacon. "Who is to say that your lily-whitebread conformist sellout church has the monopoly on God? Besides, I'd rather be listening to Bad Brains than "On Eagles' Wings," you know?"

Left: Hashem attacking Rivkin with loaf of bread

(Toledo, OH) Relations between the owners of Rivkin's Deli and Saeed's Snack Shack have "never been exactly good," according to one employee, but the tensions between the two men have now boiled over into what all agree is "full scale war."

Snack Shack owner Saeed Hashem said that Moshe Rivkin is to blame for the outbreak of hostilities.

"He telling my customers that we are terrorists and illegal aliens for months now," he said of his next-door neighbor. "So I decide to get back by telling a few of his sandwich customers that 'kosher' to Rivkin means 'whatever cheap meat I can pass off as good.' It serve the mamhoon right."

Rivkin has a different view of the origin of the conflict.

"That Lebanese shlemiel and his idiot employees take up all of my parking places, and my take-out customers have been complaining," he said. "So I told that shmendrik to be so kind as to move a car or two, and the farkuckt gaunef starts acting like a complete meshuggeneh ."

The disagreement exploded into violence last week, as Hashem hurled a loaf of moldy, day-old bread at the deli owner.

"He wrap this piece of chraa in a box and give it to me, saying my mother left it with him," he said. "After I open it, he come outside and laugh. I show him whose mother is a sharmuta."

Left: A slice of Rivkin's "present" to Hashem

Both sides say that the situation has deteriorated, and that an impartial peacekeeping force - composed of two relatives from each man's extended family - may be the only permanent solution to the escalating violence in the crisis.

In the meantime, said Hashem, "Rivkin better watch his teez."

Left: Hobson takes aim

(Toledo, OH) A group of enterprising Toledo teens has banded together and formed the Toledo Area Street Slingshot League (TASSL), combining traditional vandalism in a competitive, standardized format.

The group now has eight-two member teams competing throughout the city, said group spokesman Brian Hobson.

"We have been pleased with the initial interest," he said during a break in practice. "While sponsors have been difficult to find, and city approval is still forthcoming, we nonetheless had an excellent preseason."

Hobson said that league scoring formulas are "pretty simple."

"Hitting a light is worth two points, while a hit that makes the light inoperable is worth five," he said. "Knocking off those photoelectric cells off the support bar that tell the lights when to turn on is worth ten points, but the cell must land intact."

Left: Standard light in league play

Participants use laser-guided slings and fire 20 mm steel bearings. Hobson said that the league currently plays day games, but may consider adding night matches in the future.

"Problems arise when players knock out the streetlight, since the next contestants would then have to fire in the dark," he said, adding that play must continue on one fixture until "it's been totally demolished," or when police arrive.

"Until we solve the lighting dilemma, we'll have to stick to day games," he said.

Left: Flippy and the Wilmingtons in happier days

(Toledo, OH) The Wilmington family on Knapp Street faces one of its biggest challenges ever, as a cherished family member is being forcibly deported.

Due to recent incontinence issues, Flippy the dog is being permanently relocated to exterior quarters, said immigration authority spokesman John Wilmington.

"That damn dog has pissed on the carpet for the last time," he muttered, leading the chocolate lab outside.

Family member Jeremy Wilmington expressed unhappiness with the immigration decision.

"Flippy never bothered anyone!" he exclaimed. "Flippy will miss us if he has to stay outside!"

Assistant immigration director Barb Wilmington expressed regret, but said the agency had no other options.

"Look, Flippy knew what the residency conditions were, and he chose not to follow them," she said. "We had no choice but to deport him."

Jeremy, Ashley, and Tricia Wilmington plan to hold a vigil for the beleaguered Flippy, which will consist of midnight deliveries of smuggled Milkbones until the immigration issues are settled.

Left: Finkbeiner readying rocket-propelled grenade (RPG) against Clear Channel studios

(Toledo, OH) Tired of "cheap shots, half-truths, and outright lies," Toledo mayor Carty Finkbeiner announced his decision to mobilize for "full scale war" against NewsTalk radio station WSPD 1370-AM.

"“You wanted an open war and we are ready for an open war," he said to reporters outside his 22nd floor office at One Government Center. "Toledoans are in need of the day when its leaders will stand with them in pride and dignity facing the WSPD aggression because this targets the whole city, not just a crazy mayor with a quick temper."

The conflict started after comments made by Finkbeiner about morning host Fred Lefebvre, and program director Brian Wilson retaliated by banning Finkbeiner from the station. The mayor reiterated his belief that WSPD is wholly reposible for the war.

"WSPD is engaged in a war of collective punishment against the city and city officials," he insisted of the station's ban on the mayor. "The barbaric and brutal aggression this station is launching against the Finkbeiner administration is really a new fascist tactic committed while being met with suspicious silence by other local leaders, too intimidated to respond."

Finkbeiner hopes the war declaration will "force WSPD to the negotiating table."

"We can only sit by and feel frustration and anger that Clear Channel's owners do not speak out against this insanity and terror," he said, placing the Clear Channel studios in his sight. "Maybe some love from this TBG-7V thermobaric warhead will wake them up."

Left: No more frigging geniuses, eh?

(Toledo, OH) In an effort to reduce a plague of employees reading on breaks, the city of Toledo announced today that, henceforth, all municipal truck drivers will be required to be illiterate.

"Although most of our workers are productive and aren't goofing off, the perception that a few can give by spreading out a large newspaper across the windshield can cause the perception that we're lazy," said Bill Franklin, director of the Department of Public Service. "It is therefore incumbent upon us to find a class of employees not prone to such acts of perceived laziness."

Franklin said that the city is also "taking a hard look" at measures to curb literacy among existing employees.

"We think that lining workers up and smacking them - hard - with a section of pipe might work," he said. "If not, we may have to use some sort of brain-damaging medication to achieve the desired levels of stupidity."

Franklin added that the city may also extend the illiteracy clause to other departments.

"Intelligence is a dangerous thing, especially when people use it to read," he said, shaking his head. "Best to weed those treacherous malcontents out before they start questioning authority, or something equally disruptive."

Left: Phillippart readies his .50 caliber machine gun for "camera skeet"

(Toledo, OH) Fed up with what he terms "rights infringement," Toledoan Jerzy Phillippart vowed to wreak havoc on the city of Toledo's controversial red-light camera systems.

"I am taking a stand for motorists all across the area," he said, loading armor-piercing shells into his M2 machine gun. "'The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants,' or in this case - red-light cameras."

Toledo's unique enforcement program, which was enacted in 1999, photographs vehicles of red-light and speed scofflaws at 17 intersections throughout the city. Phillippart said that the statutory rights of motorists are being violated when tickets are issued to drivers.



"The photos taken by these cameras do not identify the driver of the offending vehicle," he said, lining up a camera in his scope. "Besides, they totally piss me off, and I intend to reduce each and every light to minute metallic shards."

Phillippart said that he is not worried about the possibility of being caught.

"There ain't a single motorist who would turn me in if they saw anything," he chuckled, after firing a burst of ammunition and destroying a camera. "Plus, since I have a stationary target, I can be finished in 20 seconds. I figure they'll replace these things one time before they give in. More important - just how many government surveillance cameras do we want out in the world?"

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

Left: Rogers feigning work after a panty raid

(Toledo, OH)—Mick Rogers has the thankless job of unclogging drains, capturing rodents, and fixing leaks throughout your apartment complex, and has done so for years without a single curse or complaint.

So who can blame him for sneaking into your home with his master key and smelling your wife’s lingerie while both of you are at work?

“I don’t really have a preference—clean or dirty are both fine by me,” remarked Rogers about his peculiar fetish. “Although I must say, vacation panties are my favorite—I love rummaging through a suitcase, getting a snoot-full, and then putting everything back just the way I found it.”

Rogers takes great pride in knowing that you’ve never caught him wandering half-naked through your third-floor loft.

“I’ll tell ya, I fight the urge to raid the fridge on a constant basis,” Rogers intoned. “Today was particularly tough, too, since last night was spaghetti and meatballs. Shit smelled good. But I have to tell myself: ‘Mick, you’re here for panties, friend, and don’t you forget that.’ I find it helps if I talk to myself out-loud, even when no one’s around.”

Surprisingly, Rogers’ superiors have little suspicion about his daily activities, and are blissfully unaware of his craven sexual desires.

“Rogers is a stand-up kinda guy,” boomed Jake Evans, the site manager for your apartment complex. “I don’t envy him one bit—last Tuesday he had to unclog a john in apartment 305, and like, 19 Salvadorians live in that joint. He had to burn his clothes afterwards to get rid of the smell. The man’s a goddamn hero in my eyes.”

Left: Rotten Lots associates at grand opening

(Toledo, OH) Martin Pietrykowski admits that he has been a "three-time loser" as a businessman, but insists that his new "Rotten Lots" facility is an idea whose "time has arived."

"We take over after Big Lots and Odd Lots have done their thing, and we feature the finest in almost-wasted merchandise," he said, holding up a selection of rusted, labelless cans. "There's a lot of good merchandise to be found in the nation's commercial dumpsters."

One of the keys to his business model, said Pietrykowski, is the low organizational overhead.

"We've got an old warehouse, plus whatever chump change we throw to the 'dumpster-diving' crackheads who rustle up our inventory," he chuckled. "After scraping off the visible dirt and crud, we slap on a price tag and the rest is pure profit."


Left: Samples of what Pietrykowski calls "recovered retail value"

Pietrykomski believes that Rotten Lots fills a growing retail niche.

"Let's face it - with American jobs going overseas, we have an entire underclass of chronic unemployed people who can't even afford WalMart or the Dollar Store anymore," he said. "We are catering to the new untouchables, and we are way ahead of the retail industry on this one."

Left: Gasoline and smokes? No problem!

(Toledo, OH) After noticing a sign prohibiting smoking at his local gas station, Terrance Macklin decided he was fed up.

"Where will this repressive, nanny-government silliness end?" he asked, pausing to take a drag off his Marlboro Red. "The free market should decide this issue - people will spend their money in smoke-free environments if they choose to, and if enough people do so, more gas stations will become smoke-free."

Macklin believes that the prohibition on smoking at gas stations has a "highly dubious" legal standing.

"Buying cigarettes at gas stations is legal, so smoking them at gas stations should be legal," he said as he exhaled. "Am I right, or am I right?"

Macklin believes that, ultimately, smoking in gas stations is a civil liberties issue.

"Smoking, due to the sheer amount of lobbying against it, is counter-societal," he said, snuffing a lit cigarette into a pool of spilled gasoline. "When you're young, is there anything cooler than saying, "Fuck the man!" by slowly killing yourself? It's even more so when you are doing it near flammable liquids."

(Toledo, OH) At a press conference Thursday afternoon, city officials came together to combine their resources in order to catch suspected sex offenders.

"We're not going to tolerate the young people of our city feeling threatened when they go home from school in the afternoon," said Mayor Carty Finkbeiner. "We will hunt these sick freaks and impale them on iron stakes on the edge of town as a warning."

Local flasher Harry P. Ness, however, took issue with the Mayor's comments.

"Hey man, some of us are just about the quick peep show," Ness said, opening his trench coat to a carload of young women. "I don't hurt anybody, and I'm just trying to make a political statement."

Ness believes that the increased police presence in neighborhoods plagued by reports of suspicious trespassers was like turning Toledo "into an occupied zone."

"They oughtta be allocating resources to more important crimes, like the outrageous prices charged at Victoria's Secret," he said, wiggling his hips for passing motorists. "Do you know what a silk bustier is going for these days? I think not; I may have to go for the US Ranger look instead."

By Toledo Tales contributor Feckless Freddie

Left: "Piper," a local dope man

(Toledo, OH) A record number of travelers are on the road this holiday weekend, with nearly 41 million Americans driving more than 50 miles to celebrate July 4th.

Among those logging record hours on the road this weekend is local pharmaceuticals rep "Piper" and his crew.

"Yeah, the cell phones have been busy at the weirdest hours the last few days," he said. "Your bankers and government workers might get to take the holiday off, but people got to have their dope. The urge to get stoned just doesn't take vacations."

Piper urged motorists to "use caution" this holiday weekend.

"Listen - getting stuck on the e-way sucks, but it's nothing to get into a rage about," he said. "While you're waiting, just fire up that blunt and chill out, man. The backup will eventually pass, and you can play some Bob Marley while you are waiting. It's all good."

Piper also urged vacationers to "plan ahead" for their holiday travels.

"We appreciate your business, but when you are two hours away in a cottage on the lake it's going to take us a while to get to you," he said. "Be sure to call us before the trip for all your hallucinatory needs, and remember: the rustling in your bushes is just the wind, man. Nobody is hiding in there."

Left: Fan club president Jazubowski is pissed

(Toledo, OH) Bowling afficianado and president of the local Billy Squier Fan Club Nathan "Nappy" Jazubowski said that the "rock snobbery" of the Rock-and-Roll Hall of Fame is to blame for Squier not being inducted.

"There's just no other explanation why a guy this talented gets left out in the cold," said Jazubowski, pausing to hit a passed joint and to flip a vinyl copy of 1982's Emotions in Motion. "Billy Squier is a rock god, and should be remembered that way in the Hall of Fame."

Left: Squier unappreciated by the "tight-assed freaks" of the Selection Committee

Squier, who had a string of arena rock and power ballad hits in the early 1980s, is probably best known for the song "The Stroke" on his 1981 album Don't Say No.

"Stroke Me, Stroke Me," crooned Jazubowski in a duet with roommate Kevin Grefton, who was largely unconscious on the couch. "Is there a song that better captures the teenage angst and futility of the material world? I - don't - think - so."

Jazubowski said that the Fan Club will "keep up the fight" to get Squier nominated and, ultimately, inducted into the Hall of Fame.

"It's the least we can do for the guy who gave us that killer power rock riff in 'Everybody Wants You,'" he said. "You know it, right? 'Da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-DEE-da-da-da-da.' Nobody rocks the joint better than Billy Squier."