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Want Another Two Black Eyes? Just Keep Running Your Mouth

Guest editorial by Hank Freeman, angry spouse

I'm a guy who does not have the longest fuse in the world, so to speak. And to hear you spouting off about how I drink too much, or can't hold a job, or stay out too late at night - well, it sends me right over the fucking edge, babe.

So if you want another two black eyes, then just keep running your mouth.

It would be different if I was beating you all the time, like every day or something. But the fact is, I beat you only when you are out of line. Even more, I've only beat one woman in my life: you, babe. If that doesn't say "love," I don't know what does.

Look: would you go to work and bust the balls of your boss the way you do to me? I mean, if she was a man and had balls? This shit is a two-way street, you know - I sure wouldn't need to be the paddling daddy-type if you weren't always the spoiled little eight-year-old brat type, always whining and crying about how there's not enough money for milk and bread, but you always seem to scrape enough cash to go to your fucking women's support group and shit.

What's that? I didn't catch that. Did you just say: "Hank, I need a beatdown?" 'Cuz that's what it sure as hell sounded like. And - truth be told - every time you ever got a little reprimand from me always started with you running your mouth.

Think about it, babe, the next time that words start forming in that low-IQ brain of yours.


Car Sex in 1991 Still Defining Moment for Local Man

(Toledo, OH) A 1991 teenaged tryst between local resident Terry Hillebrand and "this really hot cheerleader" continues to be a source of pride and sexual inspiration for the sales manager.

"Dude - it was like the heavens opened or something, the night I nailed [cheerleader] Kerry Grogan," he recalled over a beer with fellow bar patrons. "We're talking crazy sex here, brother, like straddling-the-gearshift kind of shit. We did things porn stars haven't thought of. It was nuts, man, NUTS!"

The encounter, which took place behind the old FoodTown store at the Deveaux Village shopping center, continues to provide Hillebrand with fond memories.

"Whenever the old Johnson needs to be fired up, all I have to do is travel back to that night," he noted. "All it takes is a quick vision of that tight little ass of Kerry's and I am good to go, mister. It's just too bad about her going off to Florida for school, because she was hotter than a set of jumper cables after a Cinco de Mayo dance."

Hillebrand admits that he has at least one regret about the "epic score."

"If I had boned her in, like, 2002 or something, I might have had one of those digital cameras to record the insanity," he said, downing a proffered shot of Jägermeister. "Except we were screwing like rabbits on crystal meth, and we probably would have knocked the camera off the dash. Still, what I wouldn't give for a film of that nasty night."

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Which One of You Idiot Bastards is Out to Get Me?

Guest Editorial by
Ed Lammers, motorist

After ten minutes on the road this morning - in the middle of what whould have been a quiet Sunday trip to the grocery store, I might add - I am well aware that there is a conspiracy to cause my untimely death at the hands of some unknown motorists. It started with the insane, newspaper-scanning woman who cut across three lanes to make a sudden left turn to look at a 3-month-old yard sale on a telephone pole, and it continued with the old man who locked his brakes in front of some 200 feet before the red light.

The problem is this: I don't know exactly which of you idiot bastards is out to get me.

The conspiracy is quite evident, people. When I stopped at Kroger's for two gallons of milk and a bottle of Rolaids, no less than six of you fucking freaks tried to back into my car. And when that brain-dead twit stopped his car halfway into the intersection, causing me to halt and leaving me wide open for the three psychopaths who tried to rear-end me, I knew that my odds of surviving this coordinated attack were slim indeed.

Thus, I now resolve myself to go on the offensive. I am packing every weapon I know, and anyone of you who gets within 30 yards of my Honda is going to get both barrels. I'm dreaming of a deadly Christmas, and it sure as hell ain't going to be my name on the short list.

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Local DJ Vows 6-Song Rotation on Tasteless Listeners

Orleans waits for your stupid call

(Toledo, OH) Kevin Orleans, overnight and weekend DJ for Toledo's WXKR-94.5, has "just about had it" with listeners of the album-oriented station.

"I get nothing but requests for overplayed songs like ZZ Top's 'Legs' and AC-DC's 'You Shook Me All Night Long,'" noted Orleans. "So from this point forward I'm going to play the same six songs all fucking shift long."

Orleans said that the other four songs on the "shit list" include John Cougar Mellencamp's "Pink Houses," Bob Seger's "Turn the Page," Bon Jovi's "Dead or Alive," and - no surprise - Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Freebird."

"My goal here is to beat the aural idiocy to death, or to numb myself into a stupor, whichever happens first," Orleans admitted. "It's either that, or I start drinking heavily to make it through a shift. Listening to these feebs callin the station is worse than chewing a couple of warm sweat socks from a biker on a three-day bender."

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Local Woman Recalls Empty Toilet Paper Terror

(Toledo, OH) A Sylvania woman spent two days trapped in a public restroom stall at a local gas station last week after finding herself without toilet paper.

47-year-old Jennifer Killeen was finally rescued by store employees, who heard her pleas for paper through the ventilation ducts.

"I just finished pinching a runny loaf when I noticed there was noting for wiping," she recalled. "So basically I was frozen to the spot: if I left that toilet, I'd have been covered in shit."

Survival techniques helped the medical assistant make it through her 44-hour ordeal.

"I had nothing with me to eat or drink, so I sipped cold water from the [toilet] tank to keep me going," Killeen said. "And I splashed some on my duff to keep from getting crusties."

After hearing the Sylvania woman's "plaintive cries," attendants at the Alexis Road Speedway brought fresh rolls of toilet paper to the restroom.

"At first we thought she was a pregnant cat or something, with that low howl and whatnot," noted Speedway employee Crystal McIntyre. "But when I got in there, and saw her clenched on the can, I felt really bad about skipping the last few bathroom checks. I mean, I could see the skid marks on the floor and the smeared feces on the wall: desperate people do crazy things, you know?"

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Latta to Unveil New "Weirauch is a Filthy Whore" Ads

Ohio Republican Bob Latta, running for Congress in Ohio's Fifth Congressional District, announced today that his campaign will launch a new round of attack ads against Democratic congressional candidate Robin Weirauch.

The television and radio spots will address what the Latta campaign describes as "personal failures" of their opponent.

"Quite simply, Robin Weirauch is the skankiest, nastiest, piece of trash I have ever met, and I know some real human filth," noted Latta. "She's so nasty, if she threw her underwear on the wall, it would stick."

Latta indicated that the new campaign had been initiated in response to a "lack of enthusiasm" for earlier attack ads, as well as being in response to Weirauch's "Bob Latta Murdered JFK" ads.

"I have to admit, I was surprised when the 'Robin Weirauch is a terrorist' and 'Robin Weirauch is a socialist' spots failed to resonate with the voters," he admitted. "Still, the 'Robin Weirauch is a filthy whore' spots look like a can't-miss campaign."

Latta provided Toledo Tales reporters with some hints of the upcoming commercials.

"We Photo-shopped her head over this porno with some crackwhore taking on eleven homeless dudes," he chuckled. "Then we followed it up with an ominous-sounding voiceover asking: 'Do you want the STD-carrying super-slut Robin Weirauch being a role model for your daughters?' My God - that commercial says it all. Besides, the only thing nastier than Robin Weirauch is the Kleenex I filled this morning, what with my sinus infection and all. And Robin Weirauch is so nasty, she'd probably eat that Kleenex. Hey - get the ad agency on the phone - we need to update the 'filthy whore' spots."

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Just Because You're at Church in December Doesn't Mean God Won't Forget You've Slacked at Mass All Year

A Toledo Tales Guest Editorial
by Father Jon O’Brien

Sure, you and your family are all smiles, walking up to me after Mass and shaking my hand like you are regulars here. And there was no way I could miss the way you made such a show of dropping that $20 bill in the collection plate, so I'm sure that you're prouder than a retarded kid coming home with a macarnoi wreath.

But don't get to thinking God is fooled by your sudden appearance at church during Advent, people.

You see, while Santa Claus knows when you are sleeping and awake, God knows every last detail about your miserable lives, like when you skipped church to watch reruns of SpongeBob Square Pants, or that time in high school when you were drunk and you felt up your 14-year-old cousin at Thanksgiving.

Yes, even that.

So if you want to make it right with the Man Upstairs, I suggest that you'd better start making Mass a regular part of your routine, instead of being less visible than a gay black man at a GOP fund-raiser.

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Toledo Anarcho-Feminist Collective Pretty Sure Revolution Has Started

Left: United and committed to change

(Toledo, OH) The five members of the Toledo-area Workers' Solidarity Collective said that they are convinced that a workers' revolution is "only weeks or months away" after a demonstration this weekend in West Toledo.

"The people at the demonstration expressed their determination to act, instead of being passive sheep," said Mitch Bednarski, a member of the group. "Everyday people came to our Act-Out Session to link up with like-minded people and in search of answers to some deep questions about just exactly what is behind these dismal times of endless war and the culture of medeival mentalities that suppresses any questioning of the status quo. That, and this dude brought some vegan burritos that really hit the spot in that 25-degree cold."

Bednarski said that "over a dozen hardcore supporters" showed up for the event, and that passersby were "way geeked" about the impending uprising.

"Without a doubt, every person who took a flyer looked like they were down for a radical upending of the murderous capitalist system, but just didn’t know how to go about doing it," he noted. "We are seeing a critical mass of support among the proletariat, the emo kids, and Ray-Ray, this homeless dude who shows up at every event we hold for the free food. I suspect that Ray-Ray has a true revolutionary's heart under the six layers of clothing he wears, although his stench takes a little getting used to."

Bednarski added that the group is "totally committed" to worldwide revoltuion, and believes that Toledo is the perfect base for spreading revolutionary ideals.

"Face it - the perfect system of political rule is the dictatorship of the proletariat, and where better to make this happen than Toledo?" he declared. "And all this cannot happen without a vanguard of the proletariat to lead it in carrying out the complex and intense struggle to bring about changes in society and in the world. That vanguard is us, people, and we are going to make Toledo radiate revolution like a hundred thousand pillars of interstellar light. Or at least like a couple of those heavy-duty flashlights the cops carry, those lackeys of the capitalist state."

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