Toledo Tales

(Oregon, OH) Oregon City Council meets Wednesday night to consider an agreement with Toledo to share tax revenues from the proposed US Coking facility.

The agreement means that the plant will qualify for more than $30-million in federal tax credits.

Toledo Mayor Jack Ford is pleased with the long-term benefits of the deal.

"Hundreds of good-paying jobs will come to the area," he said, wiping his nose. "Plus, high-grade blow will be easily available, instead of having to wait all night for my man Lil' G to get his lazy ass over and deliver the shit."

Analysts predicted the city's estimated 21,000 crack addicts will also profit from the agreement. Street-level prices for crack are expected to drop 50% over the next three years.


Left: local resident "Tweaky" is excited about the plant

"This is frigging awesome," said a user named Tweaky. "This is totally....hey man, why are you staring at me?!? Get that motherf***ing camera outta my face, asshole!"

Local dealers, however, may balk at the arrangement, since wholesale and retail prices will drop. One street-level veteran, however, predicted that business will rebound.

"Look, they are f**ing cokeheads," said "Brick," a local dealer. "They spend every f***ing nickel they have, right? They will still be calling me at 6 AM on Tuesday trying to get me to give them an 8-ball for some jewelry they stole from their roommates."

(Toledo, OH) Forecasters from the National Hurricane Center urged Toledoans to prepare for the arrival of Hurricane Cartyrina, expected to make landfall today in Northwest Ohio.

The storm, coming down from Michigan, has been labeled a Class 5 Hurricane, featuring blustery winds and hot air.

"This looks to be a monster storm," said NBC-24 meteorologist Bill Spencer. "I urge all citizens to take immediate cover."

The eye of the hurricane appears headed for downtown Toledo, said Spencer.

"It looks like this storm is going to be with us for quite a while," he said. "I imagine that the first wave of the activity will be with us until at least September 13."

Mayor Jack Ford urged citizens to remain calm during the turmoil.

"We have weathered much worse than this in the past," he said. "Everyone needs to unite and stay the course until this passes."

Left: "Piper," a local pharmaceuticals rep

(Toledo, OH) According to a local entrepreneur, Toledo Police have been causing disruption to the normal operations of his business.

"Yeah, they have been hassling some of my best customers," said "Piper," a local sales rep. "We don't bother nobody, but they got nothing better to do than f**k with people."

Piper, who has been in the pharmaceutical industry for "as long as I can remember," said that undercover vice squad officers have been posing as customers to try to trip him up.

"You can spot them as soon as they get out of the car," he said. "Still, just having them around scares people away, just like the SEC."

Business is down almost 20 pecent this quarter, said Piper.

"Look, I got shareholders, right? My f***ing P/E ratio has tanked, and now I'm looking at a hostile takeover from some Detroit Avenue crew," he said. "On top of that, try to get a loan only 2 points over prime when they get lucky and sieze an ounce of rock from one of my sellers. My accountant totally freaked after that bust."

Some timely moves in the stock market are the only thing keeping his firm afloat, said Piper.

"We got lucky on some venture capital last month, giving this nobody 10 grand to drive to Mexico for weed," he said, poring over a spreadsheet printout. "But the futures market right now is in a free fall. I swear to God I'm just gonna start delivering pizzas again if the market doesn't improve."

Lower left: Toledo mayoral candidate Rob Ludeman, who briefly appeared in an area home

(Toledo, OH) Mayoral candidate Rob Ludeman, considered by many to have been nearly invisible during the campaign, suddenly appeared in the home of Toledoan James Hoffinblatt.

"We were watching TV when the dog started barking and there was this chill in the room," he said. "All of a sudden, there was Rob, talking about making Toledo business-friendly."

After his initial shock, the Hawley street resident grabbed his camera and caught the chimerical figure on film.

"He didn't seem to be threatening, but he looked kind of lost," said Hoffinblatt. "I offered him a beer, but he had drifted away by the time I came back from the fridge."

Hoffinblatt said that Ludeman's voice could still be faintly heard after he was no longer visible, crackling through the TV set.

"Yeah, it was sort of spooky, but I think he meant no harm," he said. "You'd think he would call first, though."

Left: Ohio governor Bob Taft with two of his last remaining supporters

(Toledo, OH) Embattled Ohio governor Bob Taft visited the Toledo area yesterday on a visit to inspect damage caused by the emerald ash borer.

Instead, he faced questions from reporters about his recent convictions. Taft angrily denouncd calls for his resignation.

"There is no way in hell I am going to resign," he said. "I've got it too good in Columbus, and there's not a damn thing any of you can do about it."

Taft dismissed talk about impeachment.

"Look, those Democratic weenies haven't got the cajones to pull that off," he said. "Besides, they want me to stay in office until next November."

The governor said that his decision to stay was based on economics.

"Hey, I need the money, especially since I've got to pay for my own golf now," he said. "Do you know how much a membership costs at Inverness? Holy shit!"

(Toledo, OH) The midwestern industrial city of Toledo may have a new moniker if a proposal to rename the city is passed.

The submitted legislation would rename the city "Blockville" in honor of the Block family, who control much of Toledo and publish the Toledo Blade.

Mayor Jack Ford acquiesced to the proposal.

"Look, they own half the politicians and a big chunk of the major media anyways," he sighed. "This just makes official what everybody already knows."

Block Communications president Allan Block praised the move.

"Controlling the name of the city provides BCI with a key component of total market dominance in every facet of Toledo life," he said, smoothing the wrinkles in his brown shirt. "We will now begin to move ahead with our master plan."

BCI, which owns Buckeye Cablevision, Buckeye Express Internet, Buckeye Telesystem, and Corporate Protection Services, sees growth potential in many other Toledo industries.

"We will next enter the grocery market, so that Toledoans will have to not only rely on us for what to think, but what to eat as well," said Block, adjusting an armband and saluting his lieutenants. "After that, we will target the regional water systems, so that these bastards can't even flush a toilet without BCI making money."

Opponents to the plan were interviewed by Toledo Tales, but were silenced with Blockville municipal court injunctions before their statements could be printed.

Blade publisher John Robinson Block agreed with these judicial actions.

"Yes, it's important for Toledo/Blockville to speak with one voice and all that. Hey - I had a purple-colored yoyo here a minute ago," he fretted. "I love my yoyo - which one of you sons-of-a-bitch took my yoyo? I swear to God, I'll kick your asses if I don't get my yoyo back!"


Blockville® is a registered trademark, and may not be used without permission. Except by us, since we stole it, and pay little attention to legal crap like this anyways.

(Toledo, OH) Mayoral candidate Opal Covey, under fire for her apocalyptic visions of a post-electoral Toledo, received an important endorsement from the Dark Prince this week.

Interviewed by Toledo Tales, Satan said that Covey's predictions are on the money.

"Oh, yeah, all Hell is going to break loose unless Opal wins," he said, laughing at the inside joke. "Every demon and hell-minion I've got is going to trash your city when she loses."

Satan said that Toledoans will likely ignore the warnings of God's prophetess.

"You people are colossally stupid," he said. " God could have sent Jesus H. Christ down, and you would still vote for Carty."


Left: Toledo, OH on September 14th


Hell's top dog said that he has plenty of surprises for the city when Covey loses.

"Let's see...pestilence, murder, pillage...yep, we're all set," he said. "We'll be up to see y'all on September 14th."

Satan said that he did not think an early announcement would drive voters to Covey's camp.

"They think she's a frigging lunatic," he said. "Don't say I didn't warn you."

(Toledo, OH) Opponents of a proposed Costco outlet in Toledo's Westgate Village shopping center gathered to protest "scary modern stuff," said spokesperson Fred Grimsby.

"This center was built in 1956, and that's where we intend to keep it," he said. "We fear change, don't want it, and we'll fight to keep things just the way they are, thank you very much."

Grimsby pointed to the Westgate parking lot as an example of the center's strength.

"Just look at all the open parking here," he said. "What retailer wouldn't like to come in and see how much room there is for cars?"


Left: Wide open parking spaces at Westgate

The amount of available space is also a plus, said Grimsby.

"Why, all you have to do is show a smart businessman how much room there is for growth," he said. "Any wise young whippersnapper is going to see that this place is ready to start jumping just the way it is!"

Grimsby thinks that there are plenty of retailers that might fit well in the shopping center.

"I just bet a malted shop would be a great place for the teenagers on their way to the sock hop," he said. "We used to love going to Milton's Malts way back when."

(Columbus, OH) Embattled Ohio governor Bob Taft held a tearful press conference several hours ago, and confessed to additional breaches of integrity.

"About six years ago, I placed these ball-point pens in my briefcase after a seminar," said the remorseful governor. "I never declared this on my annual disclosure statements."

Taft continued to delineate his ethical lapses.

"Also, about seven years ago I stayed at a Motel 6 near Ashtabula, and I took all the little soaps and mini-shampoos," he said, adding that he has also snagged the occasional Giddeon's Bible. "I have let down the voters in my state."

The governor said that he would accept the decisions of the various courts.

"Oh - I almost forgot," he said. "I always fill my pockets with those red-and-white mints whenever I eat out. I love those goddamn little mints!"

Left: Mayoral cave of Jack Ford

(Toledo, OH) Toledo mayor Jack Ford, looking grouchy after a 3-1/2 year hibernation, yawned and vowed to run a vigorous campaign.

"We need to wake this city up," he said, scratching his left side. "And hey, is there any food at this press conference?"

Campaign aide Megan Vahey said that, despite his period of dormancy, the mayor has actually been very busy.

"Any time documents needed to be signed, someone would tiptoe into the mayoral cave and get a signature," she said. "Although that McCracken guy from O-I almost got mauled when he showed up unannounced one day last winter."

Toledo Zoo specialist Kevin Adamski said that, before entering hibernation, most species eat large amounts of food and store energy in fat deposits to survive the period of inactivity.

"It appears that Jack has emerged re-energized and well-rested," he said. "I am concerned though, that this election has disturbed his normal cycle."

Stretching his arms, Ford said he was not going to let comments from political opponents bother him.

"My team has accomplished a great deal since 2001," he said, rubbing his eyes. "My department heads knew what things I needed to wake up for."

Ford said that his hibernation was a plus on the campaign trail.

"After 3-1/2 years, I am ready and raring to go," he said. "My opponnents will still need to sleep at night, but I can go 24/7 through the whole campaign."

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—Local actress Trish Cooter, star of such adult films as Whore Buffet and Fingerblastin’, recently accepted the title role in an upcoming pornographic biography of Holocaust diarist Anne Frank, despite the fervent protests of local churches and religious organizations.


Left: Ms. Cooter Reveals the Horny Holocaust Victim Within

Minotaur Pictures’ Magic in the Attic is slated for production later this month, and will feature a set in the historic West End to recreate the ambiance of 1940s Nazi Poland. Though the film has a meager $9,000 budget, producers hope it will have blockbuster appeal for its scintillating action, captivating dialogue, and ethnically diverse cast.

Director and screenwriter Shawn Biggs claims that the film will be an accurate and moving portrayal of a young girl caught in the harrowing brutality of war.

“What the religious community fails to realize,” Biggs scorned, “is that this story has been abused, warped, and thoroughly cheapened by Hollywood sleazeballs for decades. 1949’s Hidden Away had a fucking eunuch play Anne, and 1968’s psychedelic musical Jew Love was downright abysmal. We’re bringing integrity, and a bit of lust, back to this narrative.”

But few Toledans share Biggs’ view. Father James Patterson of St. Mary’s Parish called Minotaur Pictures “a heretical affront to all that is pure in this world,” and vowed to lead the local Catholic opposition by staging sit-ins and other forms of nonviolent demonstration outside the production zone.

Rabbi Eli Schwartz, an Ann Arbor activist well known for his crusades against adult entertainment, also lamented what he called “a racist venture” worthy of “apoplectic rage” among the Jewish community.

“Is this what Americans what to watch these days?,” Schwartz sadly wondered, “all this schtupping and shvitzing and meshugge business? I’ll tell you this: in a culture of schmuck jokes and dirtiness, only our ancient traditions can save us.”

(Toledo, OH) Mayoral candidate Keith Wilkowski is keeping his vow to run - literally - for the city's highest office.

This week he spent much of his time running through Toledo's impoverished cental city, racking up over 40 miles in his effort to cover the entire city before the September 13 primary.

Lincoln Street resident Martin Williams noticed the candidate.

"Why's that fool running down the street?" he queried, squinting into the early morning sun. "He steal some hubcaps or something?"

Pausing for a quick drink of water, Wilkowski said that his daily sojourns have brought him encouragement from the voters.

"Just this morning, some friendly young man told me: 'You'd better be running!'" he said. "It's words like those that keep me going."

A Hollywood Avenue resident, who goes by the name of "Little G", was surprised to see the mayoral candidate on his street.

"Damn, that's some crazy shit," he said. "Motherfucker be running like a crackhead stepping on a beehive."

Left: Flippy and the Wilmingtons in happier days

(Toledo, OH) The Wilmington family on Knapp Street faces one of its biggest challenges ever, as a cherished family member is being forcibly deported.

Due to recent incontinence issues, Flippy the dog is being permanently relocated to exterior quarters, said immigration authority spokesman John Wilmington.

"That damn dog has pissed on the carpet for the last time," he muttered, leading the chocolate lab outside.

Family member Jeremy Wilmington expressed unhappiness with the immigration decision.

"Flippy never bothered anyone!" he exclaimed. "Flippy will miss us if he has to stay outside!"

Assistant immigration director Barb Wilmington expressed regret, but said the agency had no other options.

"Look, Flippy knew what the residency conditions were, and he chose not to follow them," she said. "We had no choice but to deport him."

Jeremy, Ashley, and Tricia Wilmington plan to hold a vigil for the beleaguered Flippy, which will consist of midnight deliveries of smuggled Milkbones until the immigration issues are settled.

Left: Mayor Jack Ford with commando unit

(Toledo, OH) The hotly-cotested mayoral race in Toledo escalated further this weekend, as hopefuls for the 22nd floor of One Government Center unveiled new techniques to contact prospective voters.

Most impressive was incumbent Mayor Jack Ford, who employed police SWAT teams to get access to recalcitrant homeowners.

"We are not going to let a locked door get in the way of a single goddamn vote," shouted Ford above the deafening roar of percussion explosives. "I got their 'No Tresspassing' sign right here."

Fellow Democrat Keith Wilkowski was not to be outdone at a home on Linda Drive.

"Pizza delivery!" yelled the candidate, who was dressed in a Marco's Pizza uniform. "I know you are in there!"

Republican challenger Rob Ludeman found his car to be a useful vote-getting tool.

"Look, these people have to leave the house some time," he said from behind the wheel of his Oldsmobile. "If I park them in, they have to walk out to the car, and then I have them."

Former mayor Carty Finkbeiner, who is seeking a third term in office, tried a religious approach.


"Politicians are the most despised of all door-to-door creatures," he said, holding a stack of pamphlets. "By disguising myself as a Jehovah's Witness, I can at least get these bastards to open the door."

(Toledo, OH) Fresh from their victory in legislating the acceptance of Mexican matricula consular ID cards, Lucas County commissioners Pete Gerken and Tina Skeldon Wozniak expanded their efforts to make the county more inclusive.

Beginning September 1, virtually all known forms of identification will become valid, said Gerken.

"One of the most recognized symbols of ID is the Monopoly token," said the commissioner, holding a pewter horse. "We will reach out to the gaming community, and help disenfranchised gamers get access to county services."




Skeldon Wozniak held up a convention nametag as an additional example of ID that will now be accepted by the county.

"When you are at a seminar, the best way for people to know who you ae is with one of these," she said, peeling a label from her jacket. "Besides, you can make cute little smiley faces on them and make new friends, too!"

Local welfare recipient Manny Fitzgerald appreciated the commissioners' efforts.

"This is fucking great, man," he said, showing a handful of Monopoly tokens. "I used to have to steal licenses and shit to get extra checks, and that was a lot of work. This makes it much easier for me to do my thing, and gives me more time to party."

(Ottawa Hills, Ohio) Confirming the self-assessments of residents in this exclusive enclave, a university study determined that fecal matter of Ottawa Hills citizens does not have an offensive odor.

In fact, many residents excrete a waste product that smells rather like roses, researchers found.

This is no surprise to socialite Marge Brandingham, contacted by Toledo Tales for this article.

“It’s amazing what proper breeding will do,” she said. “However, living in the village also results in the acquisition of E.coli olfactorius pleasantus, a very neat intestinal bacterium.”

The study also found that residents do not emit other bodily odors often occurring in humans.

Jim Braxton, manager of the Bancroft Street Five Star Market, said that sales of personal care products such as deodorant and feminine hygiene items seem to be restricted to UT students.

“Ottawa Hills residents just don’t seem to smell,” he said. “There are a few newcomers who still need to buy those products, though, but that seems to fade in about a year.”

Brandigham said that she feels vindicated.

"We have been telling outsiders this for years," she said. "Now we have proof that Ottawa Hills residents are a breed apart from the rest of humanity."