Toledo Tales

(Toledo, OH) Gerald Robinson, a priest accused of the bizarre murder of a Toledo area nun in 1980, made requests to the court.

"I would like to wear my clerical collar, the symbol of my calling," said Robinson. "I just feel so naked without it."

Robinson also had requests with regard to the jury.

"I would like them all to have been mass servers," he said. "Also, I would like to offer Communion to the jury every morning."

Sister Margaret Ann Pahl, 71, was strangled and stabbed 32 times on April 5, 1980, in what Toledo police said appeared to be a ritualistic murder. Robinson was an initial suspect in the Easter weekend death; he was indicted on a charge of aggravated murder in May 2004.

Robinson had a few more requests for Judge Thomas Osowick.

"When you do the 'all rise' thingy, could I walk in just like I did at Mass?" he asked. "And when there is an objection, I would like to offer confession to the erring lawyer."

Robinson's defense team told Judge Osowick they need extra time for their experts and witnesses to review the evidence.

"With any luck whatsoever, maybe the creepy old bastard will keel over before the tial and save us all the trouble of convicting his twisted ass," said one of his attorneys.

(Toledo, OH) Police and animal investigators removed several dozen Australian wombats from a north Toledo home in what was described as a "failed wombat-fighting ring."

Police also arrested LaGrange Street resident Morty Kensington, 45, on cruelty charges.

Interviewed by Toledo Tales, Kensington expressed remorse at his actions.

"The bastard who sold them to me said they were vicious killers," said Kensington. "I paid $300 bucks for a pair of eucalyptus-leaf eating critters who just stare at each other with a dull glare."

Kensington tried many techniques to get the wombats to fight, but all they would do is "eat and breed."

"Yeah, I tried poking 'em with sticks, yelling at 'em, and dumping water on their heads, but nothing seemed to work," he said. "They just sit there and stare at you."

The animals, said Kensington, are a bad investment.

"Not only will they not fight, but they dig their way out of every kennel I've built," he said. "Good riddance, I say."

(Toledo, OH) Former Toledo mayor Carty Finkbeiner, currently the front-runner in the 2005 mayorl race, blasted Jack Ford's record on fire hydrants.

"One of the lasting legacies of the Finkbeiner era was the distinctive green-and-white fire hydrant painting program," said Finkbeiner. "We received the 1998 and 1999 National Hydrant Awards for civic dedication to hydrant beautification."

Finkbeiner said that Ford seems "oblivious" to the issue of beautiful hydrants.

"We have sources in the Division of Maintenance who say that not a single hydrant has been scheduled for repainting in the past 3-1/2 years," he said. "I find that to be unconscionable."

Mayor Jack Ford had a two-word answer to Finkbeiner's criticisms.

"Paint this," said Ford.

(Toledo, OH) Councilman Bob McCloskey, the top vote-getter in last week's primary, laughed over what he called "the incredible stupidity" of Toledo voters.

"How many other indicted extortionists could get that many votes," he asked. "Answer: none. I am the alpha and the omega of Toledo politics."

McCloskey, who has also come under fire for a campaign maneuver that evades term-limit laws by switching from a district seat to an at-large seat, scoffed at suggestions that voters will catch on to his antics.

"You have stupid people, you have sheep, and below those groups you have Toledo voters," he chuckled. "They are trained like chimps to pull the same lever each time, and by God, I am living proof."

McCloskey predicted that he would set an all-time record in November.

"These people are such buffoons that I wouldn't be surprised if I was on 80% of all ballots," he said. "My God, I didn't even need to waste any money advertising."

(Toledo, OH) Emboldened by the disclosure of state political scandals, a group of bowlers outside gathered a local bowling establishment to protest what they called a "culture of corruption" in the bowling industry.

"Just like Columbus legislators, bowling operators have developed a 'pay-to-play' mentality that must be changed," said Nathan "Nappy" Jazubowski, the group's spokesperson. "This is a clear-cut example of state corruption trickling down to the local level."

Jakubowski said that managers of bowling facilities are quite brazen in their demands.

"Just try to go into a local house and bowl without slipping the guy at the counter some money," he said. "They are in cahoots with local law enforcement - you'll be arrested within 10 minutes."

Imperial Lanes manager Mark Nicholson, comenting on the protest, took issue with Jazubowski’s claims.

"That guy is a total ass-wipe," he said. "What he is really mad about is that I won't let him park his 10-speed by the ball return."

Left: obsolete, unsafe TPS bus


(Toledo, OH) Responding to calls for increased security, administrators of Toledo Public Schools announced a new round of safety measures.

"You can't be too careful when it comes to our children," said TPS Superintendent Eugene Sanders. "We're beginning with optical scanners and mobile metal detectors to supplement ID card verification."

Sanders said that the measures will counter possible terror threats.


Left: possible al Qaeda operatives

"We have new face-recognition technology that will link up with Interpol," he said. "This will eliminate the threats posed by 8-year old al Qaeda operatives."

Also in the mix: new armor plating for TPS vehicles.



Left: retrofitted TPS bus

"The new technology will allow a standard school bus to withstand a direct hit from an RPG," said Sanders. "In addition, transportation employees are being cross-trained to man roof-mounted .50 machine guns."

12-year old Martin Jackson, a student at McTigue Junior High, was less than enthusiastic about the changes.

"Fuck it. I'm walking to school," he said.

(Toledo, OH) Robert Ferguson, a deputy at the Lucas County Correction Center, expressed unhappiness with the "bunch of low-life losers" that he deals with on a daily basis.

"Look, I know that I am going to see some tough customers here," he said. "But you would not believe the kinds of people that wind up in this place."

Ferguson said that many of the inmates have committed serious crimes.

"You see violent criminals, raving psychotics, and some seriously disturbed people," he said. "This is nothing like the training videos or 'Night Court.'"

The first-year employee expressed outrage at the language used by inmates.

"I had heard the F-word used like, maybe, once in my life before working here," he said. "That filthy term drops from the mouths of these individuals like slop from a lazy hog."

Ferguson said that it took him a while to learn the language of the jailhouse.

"I though that the men were just looking forward to a new menu," he said of the term "fresh meat." "Boy, when I found out what they really meant, I was really disgusted. I know the Lord works in mysterious ways, but that stuff is just wrong."

(Toledo, OH) Mildred Barringsly, an East Streicher woman noted for a neatly-manicured lawn and low tolerance for neighborhood children, took part in what she called "shuttle diplomacy" last week.

"I had hoped that I could get through to these local hoodlums on the importance of respecting property rights," she said. "I think that citizens have an obligation to reach out to the next generation."

Barringsly's goal: an end to the bitter conflict that has enveloped this North End community, and specifically a cessation of hostilities.

"It began when I kept one of their footballs that landed on my begonias," she said, showing Toledo Tales the confiscated pigskin. "The little bastards retaliated by egging my house."

Barringsly said that her initial overtures of negotiation were rebuffed, but that she will continue to keep topen the doors of diplomatic solutions.

"The mother of three of the miscreants told me to quote: 'get the fuck off my porch' unquote," she said. "Despite my rude welcome, I managed to stick to my talking points."

East Strecher hooligans Mandy (10) and Jason (8) Pinner remained committed to military options.

"That cranky old skanky better give give us back our stuff," said Mandy. "If she doesn't, we have been saving up some stinky presents for her from our dog, Pockets."

(Toledo, OH) A local man interviewed by Toledo Tales finds his daily Toledo Blade to be an important part of his life.

"Yes, I find that I can't live without it," said Haervey Jackson of Toledo. "There are so many things I use it for."

Jackson said that his aviary pursuits lend themselves well to the Blade.

"I find the Blade soaks up the cockatiel shit better than any other paper," he said. "Plus, the birds seem to take special delight in letting loose when the Blade masthead is facing upward."

The Blade has plenty of other uses in the Jackson household.

"My dog just had a litter of puppies," he said, admitting that he never actually reads the paper. "That Blade sure came in handy during house training; for some reason the puppies seem to make an association between the Blade and defecation."

Jackson, a painting contractor, said that the Blade was very useful in cleanup.

"Boy, nothing attracts the color yellow like the Blade," he said. "It sure is good to have the Blade around."

(Toledo, OH) Despite the highest unemployment rates in the state, rising crime, and an overall decline in the quality of life, Toledo voters decided to give a vote of confidence to the same elected officials who presided over the city's descent.

"Yeah, things pretty much suck around here," said local resident Norman Hightenbaum. "But I'm going to keep on doing the same thing anyways."

Polls by national researchers indicate that Toledoans are just too stupid to recognize their power to effect change. Hightenbaum agreed.

"We really are a bunch of imbeciles," he said. "Our politicians should enact legislation banning sharp objects within the city limits, because we're liable to hurt ourselves."

Five of the top six Council reps are incumbents, including Bob McCloskey, currently under indictment for extortion, and Betty Schultz, the subject of a grand jury probe. The top two votegetters in the mayoral race have been the leaders of the city since 1993.

"The thing we really fear is change," said Hightenbaum. "I may be rolling around in a pile of shit, but at least it is the same shit I have always known."

Left: Jesus Christ, subject of an upcoming Blade investigation

(Toledo, OH) The Pulitzer-winning Toledo Blade announced today an investigative series on Jesus Christ, the self-proclaimed Son of God.

Publisher John Robinson Block said that the series makes sense in many ways.

"Look, you know every Christian is going to pick up the paper every day this runs," he said while pinning live moths to a corkboard. "Besides, I am the Annointed One, so who the hell is this clown trying to take over my place?"

The issue of campaign contributions is an important piece of the investigation, said Block.

"OK, so he's like King or Ruler or something," he said. "Those first loaves and fishes - did he declare that shit on federal disclosure forms? I think not."

Block said that Christ also has some hidden tax problems.

"Yeah, he went all apeshit on those tax collectors," he said, grabbing an escaping moth. "You can't mess with the IRS and not get some serious payback. We have sources who say that they are gonna hit him with some major levies."

The exposé, according to Block, will also raise questions about Christ's non-traditional lifestyle.

"What's a guy like that hanging around with 12 other dudes for?" he asked. "Plus, the whole "suffer the children" thing - what is he, some kind of pedophile? Look, I'm just asking the questions. It's not like I am out to get him or anything."

(Toledo, OH) Mark Winthorp doesn't consider himself narrow-minded, but the 34-year old Toledoan is worried about the arrival of a recent pest.

"Yeah, that ass borer deal is pretty bizarre," he said, looking over his shoulder. "I mean, the name just says it all, right?"

Winthorp said that he first heard about the problem while drinking at a local pub.

"I couldn't hear what they were saying on the TV, so my friend Tino told me about the borer," he said. "Is there anything worse than a sociopathic homosexual whose reconstructed bionic penis can accommodate 3/8" drill bits?"

Most shocking, said Winthorp, was the idea that victims never know what hit them.

"One minute your having a beer with the guys, and the next you are face down in a musty cellar being drilled by some freak," he said, unconsciously crossing his legs. "I can't imagine a worse way to go than getting reamed by the ass borer."

Winthorp's friends took delight in playing off the worried man's fears.

"What a f**king idiot," said Tino Herrick, a longtime drinking buddy of Winthorp's. "I can't believe he still hasn't figured it out."

(Toledo, OH) The opening last week of a new Walgreen's at Secor and Alexis put Toledo over the 5,000 mark in big box drugstores, according to city development officials.

"We will not rest until there is a Rite-Aid or Walgreen's within 50 feet of every resident," said Toledo Mayor Jack Ford. "These new buildings provide jobs to construction industry workers, and each one employs six or seven minimum wage workers."

Ford downplayed the fact that most of these buildings wind up vacant.

"Look, my job is to promote employment," he said. "Somebody has to tear these dumps down, right? If we keep building and demolishing big box drug stores, the local construction industry will never lack work."

Local resident Phyllis Schlacter expressed dissatisfaction with Ford's vision.

"There are just too many of these places," she said. "Besides, they never have those cute little dancing pandas like Dollar Giant."

(Toledo, OH) Embattled Toledo Mayor Jack Ford unveiled a new campaign strategy, vowing to leave the myriad construction projects unfinished if voters do not vote for him in next Tuesday's primary.

"That's right. We have 100 miles worth of road projects in various stages of completion," he said. "And not one of them is going to get finished if I am not in the top two candidates next week."

Ford added that he was not limiting his threat to project completion.

"I'll take that motherf***ing asphalt and cover everything in sight," he said. "Playgrounds, front lawns, city parks - everything will be paved except the roads."

The mayor said that he would also begin a series of "really goddamn inconvenient" sewer projects in his remaining months if voters choose other candidate.

"I'm not bull-shitting here, people," he said. "You won't be able to run a f**ing dishwasher in this town if I get booted out next Tuesday."

(Toledo, OH) Local crystal meth dealer Frankie Kitchener, saddened by images of addicts left without a fix in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, loaded a conversion van full of supplies Saturday.

"Yeah, it's sad and all, being ice-less," he said, chainsmoking two Marlboros. "I really feel for these people, and want to help them out."

Kitchener said that some of the meth-heads have been without their drug of choice for a week.

"I could see on TV that many of them were going through some serious feening," he said, using a colloquialism for withdrawal symptoms. "They need it bad, alright."

Kitchener added that this was not a true mission of mercy, though.

"F**k that shit! I am going down there to make a f**kload of cash, baby," he said. "Sure, I'll give 'em a little taste for free, but after that, everybody pays."

The dealer added that this looks like the opportunity of a lifetime.

"Any dealers with any money got the hell out," he said. "Plus, the narcotics cops ain't paying any attention to their regular shit, having been put on dead body detail. I should make $50 grand and a couple of flat screen TVs for sure."

(Toledo, OH) A local canine interviewed by Toledo Tales is angry at what he considers to be inferior treats.

Hopper, a black-and-white dog of multiple ancestries, decried the purported decline in biscuit quality.

"So, I protect your house, chase away cats, and bark at the mailman, but all you give me is this chalky-tasting piece of crap?" he asked, eyeing the proffered Milkbone. "Come on; don't I deserve better than that?"

Hopper said that he recalled days in which steak scraps were the norm.

"Yeah, you used to hook me up good," he said, shifting his weight back and forth between front and back legs. "And you wouldn't make me do stupid stuff to get it."

The arrival of the new baby, according to Hopper, seems to have been the point in which treat quality began to nosedive.

"Sure. It's 'Megan did this' and 'Megan did that' and 'Megan, don't bite Hopper's ear' all frigging day long," he said, tail thumping on the floor. "The baby farts and the house goes nuts, but I, your faithful friend for well nigh seven years, get fed tasteless, preformed bone meal."

Hopper hopes that the situation improves, and says he is weighing his options.

"Have you ever eaten one of these?" he asked in between bites. "Until you have walked a mile on my paws, you really don't know me."

(Toledo, OH) The recent spikes in gas prices have adversely affected an unlikely group of people - Toledo's streetwalkers.

One local hooker, "Candy," expressed her unhappiness with the rise in gas prices.

"Yeah, so I was going down on this dude in his car the other day, and all of a sudden he turns off the A/C," she said, touching up her lipstick. "I'm like, 'what the f**k, it's 95 degrees in the shade!' Cheap bastard wanted to save gas."

Candy also described the effects that reduced income had on her clientele.

"This one regular named Jimmy shows up on his kid's ten-speed and wants me to get on the handlebars," she said. "What a f***ing moron."

The veteran hooker said that business negotiations have also been impacted.

"This one dude is like, 'all I got is fifteen bucks,'" she said. "He said he spent it all at the gas station. I told him to go buy himself a bottle of hand lotion and f**k himself."