Toledo Tales

Left: The Bulldog to next try fleecing corporate Toledo

(Toledo, OH) Toledo city councilman Bob McCloskey, who announced his resignation yesterday, told Toledo Tales that he intends to pursue new graft opportunities in the corporate world.

"I've done pretty well fleecing every company that sought to do business with the city," he said. "Just imagine how much more cash I can skim when I am closer to the sources!"

McCloskey, who faces multiple charges of extortion and bribery, said that he is not worried about his upcoming court dates.

"Listen - you show me an honest judge and I'll show you one who's never really been tempted," he said. "You just have to find out his price."

The key to success in private graft, said McCloskey, is stylistic in nature.

"You can't just put the direct squeeze on somebody, like we do in the City or in the Mob," he said. "You gotta finesse 'em a little bit, and at least kiss 'em before they get the shaft."

By Toledo Tales contributor Feckless Freddie

(Oregon, OH) BP Products North America Inc. has been fined more than $2.4 million because of unsafe operations at its suburban Toledo refinery.

Among the violations: supervisors forcing employees to drink gasoline while shouting "Go! Go! Go!"

"The supervisory personnel didn't think the employee would really do it," said BP spokesman Mary Caprella. "Is it really our fault the guy was such a moron?"

OSHA also fined the company for placing the employee smoking lounge near open flammable liquids.

"Look - we never figured they would throw their lit butts into a processing area," said Caprella. "Man, that shit is just ig-nant."

The company, however, does not worry about the fine, said Caprella.

"We posted $22 BILLION - that's with a B, people - in profits last year," she said. "That works out to less than 1/100 of a percent. Better put, it's CHUMP CHANGE, y'all!" Dahab

Left: A dull affair

(Toledo, OH) Toledo City Councilman George Sarantou and Sylvania School Board member Pam Haynam, who engaged in a televised debate tonight, failed to sway any of the seventeen viewers to their respective sides.

In fact, none of the viewers managed to stay awake during the debate.

"z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z," said Martin Kelleher of Sylvania. "Z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z, z-z-z-z-z."

Jessica Wilson of Perrysburg was less critical of the participants.

"M-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-ph," she said. "N-g-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m, m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-z-z-z."

Jared Helmunth of Toledo, 9, was appreciative of the fact that the GOP debate was such a snoozer.

"Now that Dad has zonked out, I can put on the Simpsons," he said. "Rock da house!"

(Toledo, OH) Toledo Mayor Carty Finkbeiner yesterday vetoed the city council's decision to grant Costco a waiver of Toledo's living wage ordinance.

The ordinance forces companies that get tax breaks from the city to pay its workers at least $10.57 an hour. Costco's entry-level wages average about $10.50 per hour.

"Toledo workers deserve that $.07 per hour, and I will go to the mat and get it for them," said Finkbeiner. "Never let it be said that Carty Finkbeiner bends over and takes it from the Man."

Costco will receive $300,000 in direct city contributions and another $7.2 million in tax abatements for locating in the Westgate shopping center. Finkbeiner said that holding the line on the living wage was a necessary move.

"If we give in on that $.07 per hour, corporate America will think we are pushovers," he said. "We have to show that we have the resolve to strike a deal that benefits the city, or companies will think they can waltz right in here and pick our pockets." Dahab

Left: Mad as hell

(Toledo, OH) Ed Lammers says that he is an "easygoing, reasonable guy," but he has reached his limit as the butt of jokes.

"All of those Cialis and Viagra ads use the letters "E.D." to describe impotence," he said. "And every moron I run into has to make a crack about my name: "Hey, E-D! Still limp?" or some stupid shit like that. It's gotta stop."

Lammers said the breaking point came recently at Mass.

"I was receiving Communion, and the priest said: "The body of Christ, E-D," and chuckled as he gave me the wafer," he said. "If he wasn't a priest I swear to God I would have kicked his ass right there and then."

The worst part, according to Lammers, is the reaction from his children.

'We'll be watching TV and one of those stupid ads will come on, and I can see the kids busting a gut to try and keep from laughing," he said. "Then I'll yell something like: "Go ahead, laugh!" and then they look down, ashamed. This shit is breaking apart my family."

Left: Get while the getting is good

(Toledo, OH) Toledo city councilman Bob McCloskey, under indictment for bribery charges and now the focus of a federal sting operation, told Toledo Tales that he is a man on a mission.

"Simply put - I'm going to get my hairy paws on every piece of graft and corruption I can while I am still close to the action," he said. "There's an awful lot of green to be grabbed."

McCloskey said that "the clock is ticking" on his cash-snagging opportunities.

"Listen, brother - I could get sent to the big house at any time," he said. "I am going to fill the old wheelbarrow with as much moolah as I can stuff in it and bury it in the backyard."

The embattled city councilman saw no ethical problems with his strategy.

"Look - people want to give, and I want to receive. It's a mariage made in heaven," he said. "Can I have my fifty bucks for this interview now?"

Left: A ruling He can't figure out

(Toledo, OH) A display of the Ten Commandments at the county courthouse does not promote religion and can remain in place, a federal judge ruled today.

The court decision caught God off guard.

"Get outta here - they actually ruled FOR the Ten Commandments display?" asked The Lord. "The courts never go for that kind of stuff. Is that judge on crack or something?"

US District Judge James Carr said Tuesday that the granite monument, which has stood on the courthouse lawn for almost 50 years, can stay because the motive behind placing the tablets outside the courthouse are secular and do not endorse a specific belief.

"You're just giving me shit, right?" asked Light of Lights. "I mean, Buddha and the rest of those cats never issued a set of stone tablets like Me. That was all My doing - what's this "no specific belief" garbage, anyways?"

God added that he was "kinda hurt" by the idea that the Ten Commandments were not a unique Judeo-Christian concept.

"Here's what I said: "I am God your Lord, who brought you out of Egypt." Pretty clear, right?" He asked. "I was speaking to my chosen people, not every other heathen and Sodomite out there. Tell those quacks in federal court I am pissed - I may have to send a little fire and brimstone their way to show them Who is Who."

(Toledo, OH) A local canine interviewed by Toledo Tales is amazed at what you people toss in your garbage each week.

Hopper, a black-and-white dog of multiple ancestries, took issue with what he called "squandering humans."

"Look at this bone! Will you look at this bone? It's still got meat on it, for Chrissakes," said Hopper, snuffing in one of your garbage bags. "I mean, thanks a lot, but what if I hadn't been here to root through this garbage?"

Hopper said that he has found all sorts of delicious treats and tasty edibles in your garbage in the recent past.

"Oh yeah - I found half a side of prime rib and some mashed potatoes last week," he said, licking the remnants of a can of tuna. "That was an absolute feast, and it was all mine."

The refuse connoisseur said that he watches for your trash to go out with special gusto.

"The Hamiltons, they hardly ever leave anything good," he noted. "But you people - if I wasn't so hungry all the time, I would make you come out here and eat this good food. Shame on you - hey, are you going to eat that chicken bone?"

(Toledo, OH) The trial of Father Gerald Robinson, a Catholic priest accused of murdering a nun in 1981, may bring in as much as $90 million to the local economy, according to Harvard economics professor.

"The influx of media, lawyers, and gawkers will fill local hotel rooms for weeks," said Marvin Gerhooven, professor of judicial economics. "And every one of those visitors will spend an average of $372 a day on food, amenities, and hookers."

Gerhooven compared the Robinson trial with previous high-profile court cases.

"Father Robinson will have nowhere near the impact of, say, the OJ Simpson trial, which brough $1.2 billion into the greater LA region," he said. "But there is every indication this will be up there with the nanny murder trial or the Andrea Yates trial."

Local hotel manager Kevin Hartman agreed with Gerhooven's predictions.

"We have been booked solid since last Thursday, and we jacked up the rates 50% for these corporate clowns," he said. "If we could have a sick freak like Robinson go on trial every year, this would be the richest city in America."

Not all Toledoans expecting a financial windfall

Local hooker "Candy" said that the boost to the local economy may be overrated.

"So I get in this car with a john who says he's with Court TV," she said. "He's acting like he should get a discount or something, and when we were done he asked if I'd ever done it with a famous newsman before. What a dickhead."

Left: Keeping the peace, 1960s style

(Toledo, OH) Local police officer Thaddeus Stepanski does not agree with recent efforts to reduce violent conflict with suspects.

"As far as I am concerned, nothing gets a suspect's attention quicker than a nightstick to the skull," said the 28-year veteran. "In the old days we could have a confession out of a suspect in thirty seconds, flat."

Stepanski said that his trademark method of getting a wild suspect under control involved his handcuffs.

"Not putting on the handcuffs - that came later," he said. "No, you put the cuffs across your knuckles and put a couple dozen diamond-shaped dents in a fucker's head, and then you cuff 'im."

Another techniques from a bygone era was the ubiquitous stairwell, said Stepanski.

"Anybody who was trouble on the fifth floor was a quiet little lamb by the first floor," he smiled. "There is something about falling down a couple flights of stairs that makes even the biggest punk shut right the hell up. Ah - if we could only return to the good old days." Eminem Proof

(Toledo, OH) Toledo City Council today approved a waiver of the living-wage ordinance for the planned Costco store at the Westgate Village Shopping Center.

In addition, Costco will be permitted to purchase slaves to build and operate its Toledo location.

Councilman Rob Ludeman led the charge to promote enslavement.

"Look - these are not the 1950s, and Toledo must do anything it can to attract employers," he said. "Costco slaves will be given three square meals a day, and can purchase their freedom after two fiscal years."

Unlike traditional American slavery, Costco slave will not be purchased on the basis of race.

"We are pretty much going to snare anyone with a pulse," said Costco spokesman Pierre Riel. "Black, white, yellow - as long as they can lift a pallet of paper goods, they're OK by us."

Council also authorized millions in tax abatements for the wholesale grocer.

"It's the least we can do to thank Costco for choosing Toledo," said Ludeman to a group of visiting Costco officials. "Oh, I forgot to ask - will you guys need anything else? Maybe some hookers or blow? Whatever you need - you got it!" Berlusconi Proof

(Perrysburg, OH) Gazing at his television, Perrysburg resident Carl Breckenspleth believes there is something "really similar" between the lead actor and another actor he remembers.

"I can't rmember the movie, but he played that one dude in the space film," said Breckenspleth, scratching his head. "Yessir - he's just like the dude who played the cowboy with that one hot babe. I'm sure of it."

Breckenspleth believes that the way the two actors walk is the dead giveaway.

"They both do a kind of 'thing' with their left leg, and you can see it in every film they were each in," he said. "Especially the one where that old woman walked up to her daughter and told her she was dying? Remember?"

Another similarity between the two actors - their hands.

"When the one guy was shaking the hand of that host on the awrds show - you know? - it's just like when this guy shook that funny character actor's hand in that spy movie," he said. "For the love of Pete, I don't know why you don't see the resemblance." Berlusconi Proof

(Toledo, OH) Subcomandante Bob, editor of the e-zines Codependent Collegian, Toledo Tales, and National Nitwit, joined fellow Toledo Blogger historymike in advocating a boycott of Google AdSense.

"It was an easy decision to make, since we made $.89 in three weeks running Google ads," said the drunken buffoon. "Besides, Historymike is always good for a handout. I bet the guy will be good for dinner AND a fifth of Stolichnaya after this."

Subcomandante Bob believes that the boycott will have "profound impact" on the Internet behemoth.

"Oh yeah - Google will be shitting bricks when they see this," he said, downing a double shot of cheap booze. "They won't even know what hit them."

(Toledo, OH) Local bowling afficianado Nathan "Nappy" Jazubowski was surprised to hear that rapper Proof, who was Eminem's best friend and a member of the hip-hop combo D12, was shot dead in the early hours of yesterday morning in a nightclub along Detroit's emblematic Eight Mile Road.

"Whoa - that's pretty freaky," said a morose, and possibly stoned, Jazubowski. "Did you see him in that video? BAM! Just like real life, except when I come down it's real and not like a movie and he's really dead. Did you see where I put my toke stone?"

Proof, whose real name was DeShaun Holton, got into an argument at the CCC nightclub on 8 Mile Road which escalated into gunshots, according to Detroit police. Jazubowski said that he felt like he had "lost a brother."

Left: Dead rapper Proof

"Eminem and D12's music got to me in a way few artists did," said Jazubowski, lighting up a Blunt. "Well, maybe the 80s band Winger, too, but Proof was definitely da sha-zizzle."

As a tribute Jazubowski will play the "8 Mile" disc 00 consecutive times.

"At least, I will try to play it 100 times," he said. "Once I get baked, counting kinda goes out the window. I may quit after about 4 times through if a decent show is on, like, TLC or something. Are you going to eat those Doritos?" Mary+winkler immigration rally

(Toledo, OH) Howard "Buck" Jackson has been watching the news on immigration rallies and Congressional legislation all week, and he has come to the conclusion that his neaighbors are illegal immigrants.

"Those brown-skinned weirdos act real funny," he said, setting down his eleventh Bud Light. "I've been watching them all week, and something just ain't right about those people."

Among the "suspicious" behaviors witnessed by Jackson: strange outdoor cooking rituals.

"Hey bro - I'm all about the barbecue every day of the week," he said, pausing to scratch his package. "But the smells that come off of the beaner family's grill? That is some strange cooking going on, and that's the dead giveaway. Real Americans just don't eat food that smells like ass."

Jackson said that he will take his concerns up with the "proper authorities."

"We got what you call your Homeland Security people for a reason," he said. "And I am not very secure having goat-eating creeps like that living across the street." Mary+winkler

By Toledo Tales contributor Feckless Freddie

Left: "Piper," a local pharmaceuticals rep

(Toledo, OH) Toledo Mayor Carty Finkbeiner launched his "Toledo Pride" campaign on Saturday, urging residents to embrace the values of "loyalty, pride, and tradition" in the Glass City.

Among the supporters of the new plan was local medicinal supplies broker "Piper," who paused to speak with Toledo Tales reporters during the presentation.

"Most definitely we would like to see an increase in local pride, especially in the hydroponics sector," said Piper. "There are local herbalists who have created some very exciting, high-THC content hemp hybrids, and we should recognize them for putting Toledo on the ganja map."

Among other sources of area pride, according to Piper, is the local transportation network.

"Toledo is positioned at the nexus of I-80/90 and I-75, which makes the city an ideal hub for interstate pharmaceuticals traffic," he said. "Once we get the State Highway Patrol to back off a bit, the local economy can benefit from its position in the center of the transnational coca and opiate pipelines."

Toledo also boasts some of the most loyal drug customers in the Midwest, said Piper.

"When supplies are low, my customers sit by that phone and wait," he said. "They are not driving to Detroit, Cleveland, or Columbus for dope - they want drug cash to stay in the local economy and circulate. Yes, Toledo dopers have pride!"
Mary Winkler

Left: Local resident "Tweaky" is miffed about steroid use

(Toledo, OH) Local crack cocaine afficianado "Tweaky" Williams said that major league baseball "owes its fans the truth" with regard to allegations that its players are abusing anabolic steroids.

"Nothing is more important to me than the integrity of the game of baseball," said Tweaky in between pipe hits. "The unique circumstances surrounding some players and the evidence revealed in a recently published book have convinced me that Major League Baseball must undertake this investigation."

Tweaky applauded the appointment of former Senator George Mitchell to head the investigation.

""Senator Mitchell is one of the most respected public figures in the nation. His career in public service is beyond reproach and his integrity and leadership ability are beyond question," said Tweaky, searching the ground for a dropped piece of crack. "Major League Baseball is fortunate to have a person of such high character and acclaim to lead this investigation."

Tweaky added that the integrity of the game is being called into question.

"These allegations have caused fans and observers to question the integrity of play at the highest level of our national game," he said, visibly agitated. "Look man - why the fuck are you staring at me like that? HUH?" Barry Bonds

(Toledo, OH) Harvey Miller has been a fan of Star Wars since the release of the first film, and he has an added reason for the series to continue.

"People tell me all the time that I am a dead ringer for Harrison Ford," he said, waving a plastic light saber. "Believe you me, it has some hidden benefits."

Miller said that "at least three times" he has been approached in bars by fans of Han Solo.

"Two of them were pretty hot, and let me say we later toured the universe," he smiled. "The third time, though, was a little weird, as some dude made suggestions about the use of the light saber that I am pretty sure would void the warranty."

He was participating at a "Celebrity Lookalike" show at a local retirement home when his fans got a liitle wild.

"I had 60- and 70- year old ladies with all sorts of freaky propositions," he said. "But since it was a dry spell for me, I had to take a few of them up on it; I hate to say this, but let's just say teeth are overrated." katie couric

Toledo Public school officials unveiled a proposal to eliminate a $12 million deficit by closing two junior highs and three elementary schools at the end of the academic year.

In addition, the district plans to convert the buildings into payday loan outlets.

"This move will help us accomplish two goals," said Superintendent Eugene Sanders. "We will make use of the real estate, and we will tap into the area's only growth industry - sleazy cash advance loans."

Sanders said that the district hopes to turn a profit next year through the concept.

"Not only will we have the five payday loan centers, but we will also open satellite branches in every public school," he said. "It's a natural marketing move, since Toledo schools share such close proximity to the stupidest consumers."

Parent Sheila Brogan was skeptical of the school closing plan until she heard of the loan shark scheme.

"Wow, that's a great idea," she said. "I usually have to catch the Monroe bus to go to CashQuick. Now I can get my payday loan when I drop my kids off at school. Thanks, Toledo Public!"

Left: Baker - stone cold killer when need be

(Toledo, OH) With a backdrop of sea lions, Dr. Anne Baker spoke to the media about the importance of the zoo levies.

"The attention of everyone here at the zoo is focused on right now is getting these levies through," she said, loading a double-barreled shotgun. "If the levies don't pass, I swear to God I will blow away each and every last one of these cuddly little animals."

The zoo has two tax issues on the May 2 ballot. The capital improvement levy will cost the owner of a $100,000 home $30.62 a year, an increase of $12.46 over the current capital levy. The new operating levy will cost $26.03 a year, or $7.34 more per homeowner.

"Is twenty bucks a year so much to ask for?" asked Baker as she toyed with a hypodermic needle in a menacing fashion. "I sure wouldn't want 3,000 dead animals on my conscience if I were you. And don't think I won't do it, either."



A zoo assistant held up a mewing panda cub for reporters, pausing to feed it from a specially-designed bottle.

"Sure, she is cute, but I would slit this critter's throat in a heartbeat," she said, pointing a dagger at the startled creature. "Pass the levies, or little Ling-Ling here gets a severed jugular. Next question." katie couric

(Toledo, OH) Toledo Mayor Carty Finkbeiner confirmed that the city has released Pizzuti Solutions of Columbus from the Marina District development project, and that he will build the entire facility himself.

"Listen - I am the kind of man who gets slowed down by having too many chiefs around," said Finkbeiner. "I say, just give me the hammers and let me build the goddamn thing myself."

Finkbeiner plans to dig a canal on the east side of the Maumee to supplement a riverwalk like the one in San Antonio, TX.

"I'm just like John Henry, except that I'm a white guy and I never worked on the railroad," huffed the mayor as he rolled up his sleeves and grabbed a shovel. "That, and I never liked chitlins much. I mean, I'll eat 'em if I am on the campaign trail, but if no one is looking I will spit that shit right out."

The mayor said that he believes his efforts will pay off in the long run.

"Remember - I've never been a guy who could be called lazy," he said. "If I have to shore up every bank, drive every pile, and nail every plank - I'll do it, by gum. And if I have to drag those fucking tenants here by their ears, rest assured - I'll turn this toxic waste dump into a first-class marina." brrreeeport krugle

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—Larry Simpson, a life-long Toledo resident, recently marked the site of his “massive Friday night whiz” with a Christian roadside marker to honor the hallowed nature of the event.

Simpson consumed approximately 13 pints of Budweiser at Jo-Jo’s Pizzeria on Monroe Street between the hours of 7 and 11 p.m., and his bladder ached at the very thought of release.

“Jesus, I thought I was gonna burst,” mumbled Simpson between drags from his Marlboro Light. “I tried to make it back to Bancroft Hills, but nature won out. Let’s just say I blessed the good soil with two liters of man-juice, and was compelled to commemorate the event.”

Simpson said that he felt that his experience "bordered on the sacred."

"I swear that I saw God that night," he said. "What transpired on the side of the road was visionary moment, a truly holy event. I had to get on my knees afterward, but I think that was probably because I had to barf, too."

Some Toledoans were offended, however, since they felt the cross cheapened several deaths from recent automobile accidents.

“This is an atrocious denigration of religious symbolism,” said Barbara Vera, a local parent who lost her only daughter in a horrific car crash. “We had to identify our Lauren by her dental records, and this fucker gets to celebrate his alcoholism? I’d punch him in the balls if I knew where he lived.”

(Toledo, OH) After fifteen years of turning down bribes, avoid conflicts of interest, and remaining faithful to his wife, Maumee school board member Neal Garrison says he has had enough.

"Screw it. From this point forward I am going to grab every piece of graft and corruption that comes my way," he said, stuffing a proffered wad of bills in his pocket. "Playing honest just doesn't pay off around here. Show me some green, fellas."

Garrison said that he has avoided many temptations in the past.

"I have refrained from accepting trips, cars, cash, and hookers for way too many years," he said. "It's time this cowboy loads up his saddle bags, you know what I mean?"

Local developer Gene Phillips expressed excitement at the news of Garrison's conversion.

"We knew Neal would come around sooner or later, although I have to admit he showed remarkable restraint," said Phillips. "Having a guy like that around can really create an unfriendly business climate." Mary Winkler