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Opinion: “If My Wife Ever Dies, I’m Gonna Be a Total Hound”

A Guest Editorial by Buck Marvin, Toledo Native

Buck and Tiffany Martin: The rings come off at death

My wife Tiffany means the world to me. Before we met in college, I was lost in a sea of self-doubt and uncertainty. And over the past nine years she has given me more love, support, and companionship than any man could ask for.

But if something tragic were to ever happen to her — like a credenza plummeting from a skyscraper window or a drunk driver running her Jeep off an old wooden bridge — I’m gonna be a complete and total hound, nailing every chick who’ll let me.

I’d probably start with our babysitter, Suzzie Haskins. Suzzie’s 17, has a luscious set of jugs, and once told me she loved strawberry ice cream. If Tif ever got leukemia, and wasted away over a vast period of weeks and months, with her hair falling out and body crumbling upon itself like wet newspaper, I’d probably hit the Haskins’ house right after the funeral. Suzzie’d be there all alone, fresh out of the shower, and before you know it, she’d be covered in Breyers and bent over the upstairs handrail taking seven inches of The Buckster in her sweet virgin ass.

And then there’s Maggie, our next door neighbor who teaches kindergarten and has a boyfriend over in Iraq. If there was ever a gas leak in our house when I was away on business, and Tif slowly asphyxiated during the night, her gorgeous lips turning blue with the stain of death, I’d certainly need to stay over at Mag’s place for a few days. She’d try to console me by making pancakes, chatting idly about the weather, and then boom: we’d sixty-nine in her guest bedroom until our jaws ached from munching each other’s naughty parts.

Or my sister-in-law, Olivia. You know, I love my brother Drew, but since the car accident he's been a bit loopy, and you just know his wheelchair-bound self means that Olivia's got to be hornier than a howler monkey on Ecstasy. After Tif died from that mysterious and tragic poisoning episode, Olivia would be sitting with me on the couch after the wake, and we would have this crazy grief sex all night long, pieces of stale Cheetoes sticking to our sweaty asses as we romped in our loss.

I hope none of this stuff happens, though. Honest. Tiffany is my soul mate, my best friend, my rudder in this crazy mixed-up world. But if she ever dies on the floor of a sushi restaurant choking on puffer fish, or gets mugged, raped, and stabbed in a dank alleyway downtown, you know I’m gonna play the field, brother, and shag like a man possessed.

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Bob Recomends Bid4Prizes.com

Subcomandante Bob knows most of you are a bunch of lazy, good-for-nothing slobs who would rather get something for free than to work for it.

Well, maybe Bob is really just describing himself, but you have to admit that getting a great deal beats paying full price for items, right?

Be sure to check out bid4prizes, where the person with the lowest unique bid wins the prize. You just register, and you can start bidding on prizes like the Samsung 50" Plasma Televison that has been calling out to Bob.

Bob would sit in front of his 50" Plasma Television for about three straight weeks watching his favorite programs if he won. Of course, since Bob lives in Toledo's Cherry Street Mission homeless facility, he would have to share the 50" Plasma Television with fellow residents, many of whom have less-than-ideal personal hygiene, but he could watch American Idol on a screen so big it would be like he was sitting right next to Paula Abdul and looking right down her low-cut blouse.


Local Grandparent Can’t Decipher How to Rewind DVD

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

Baxter, inconsolable after the maddening DVD incident

Toledo native Margaret Baxter has always prided herself on being able to “keep up with the grandkids.” She eats well, walks four mornings a week, and completes the Toledo Blade crossword puzzle each day to keep her mind sharp.

But last night, as her three grandchildren wistfully dozed on the couch, Baxter found herself in a moment of technological reckoning when she couldn’t figure out how to rewind a DVD of Disney’s The Little Mermaid.

“You know, I pushed every button on that machine until the cows came home,” Baxter lamented as she wiped pollen from the lenses of her bifocals. “But I wasn’t about to put that movie back in its case without rewinding it. Wouldn’t be right. So I stood for an hour until my bad knee started to go. I swear, if Tom [her deceased husband of 37 years] were still alive, by George, he would’ve had that blasted thing rewound in a jiff. The man was a saint.”

Baxter asserted that her video illiteracy was not a function of her age, but rather a result of an increasingly digitized culture that has forsaken family values and quality craftsmanship.

“Back in ‘78, I think it was ’78, Tom and I bought our first and only laserdisc player. It only had three buttons, and lasted twenty one years,” Baxter nostalgically reflected. “Had Tom not fallen on it when he had his heart attack, I’d still show the little ones The Sound of Music. It was Tom’s favorite. Sure, it spanned six discs, but all that inserting and ejecting kept us honest. Mark my words, all this Googling will be the end of us all.”

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Vonage Discussion Forum

Those of you who are users of Vonage should check out the Vonage VoIP Forum, which is a site dedicated to news, reviews, and discussion of Vonage-related material.

The site is well-organized and easy to navigate, and offers a great deal of information on Vonage products and services. The forums offer discussion boards for almost every conceivable issue involving Vonage. This was a sponsored post.


Study Finds Link Between Loud Music, Undersized Genitalia

Pumping up the volume to compensate for a tiny schlong?

(Toledo, OH) A study by University of Toledo researchers found a direct correlation between high-decibel car stereos and diminuitive sexual organs of the male drivers of said vehicles.

Sociologist Eric Gelding's research team conducted the study between 2004 and 2006.

"Almost without exception, car owners blasting their vehicular stereos at levels above 85 decibels also possessed penises under four inches in erect length," said Gelding. "And those exceeding 100 decibels at twenty yards averaged under three inches of man-meat."

Gelding theorized that, like owners of extra-long vehicles, or men who insist upon 8 cylinders, drivers with excessively loud stereos may be trying to compensate for other inadequacies.

"Let's face it - if you are shortchanged in the cock department, and you had to endure those taunts in the locker room after ninth grade gym class, you are going to seek a way to reinforce your masculinity," he said, adjsuting his package. "I mean, a guy can only take being called 'Puny Pecker' so long before acting out."

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Toledo Peeping Tom Worried About Your Waistline

(Toledo, OH) Neighborhood voyeur Evan Pisanelli remembers a time when peering through your bedroom window was "something special."

"I made sure to get to your house about 10:00 every night when you were getting ready for bed," he admitted. "The sight of your half-naked tush was worth the effort to climb up your maple tree."

Unfortunately, said Pisanelli, your tendency to snack in bed is becoming a "real turn-off," as you have begun to put on more than a few extra pounds.

"There was a time when you would bend over while putting on your underwear and I could still see that nice firm stomach," he wistfully recalled. "Those days are long gone, my friend. Frankly, you are getting fatter than a fly in an outhouse, and I think I speak for both of us when I say it's time for you to shape up."

Left: Worried about your health

Pisanelli said that he has been "really hesitant" to broach the subject with you up to this point.

"Let's face it - you are kind of sensitive about your weight, and I am not trying to give you an ultimatum," he said, polishing his binoculars. "And Lord knows we all are. But if you want this relationship to move to the next level, I think you might want to start counting calories. I want us to both grow old together, watching our grandchildren frolic around the house in their tighty-whities. Don't you?"

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Bob Checks Out Las Vegas Property

Subcomandante Bob is a big fan of the city of Las Vegas, and not just for the free alcohol that flows like water over a leaky New Orleans dike.

There is something magical about a city in which the party continues 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and 361 days a year (taking into account those handful of days that a person inevitably cannot remember).

If you are thinking of moving to Las Vegas, check out the MLS listings at MillionSaver.com. This site has a ton of resources for those interested in buying property in this exciting city.

Las Vegas real estate can be within the reach of almost every consumer, and you don't have to be a big spender to afford Las Vegas property. What are you waiting for, Bubba? Follow the above links and check out the possibilities of owning property in Las Vegas. This was a sponsored post, for which Bob is very grateful.


Toledo Man Finds "Reason to Get Out of Bed" Thanks to BBQ Sauce

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

DuFont on Saturday evening: another table for one

(Toledo, OH) Jeremy DuFont has by all accounts had a difficult year. His wife of four years, Pamela, left him for a co-worker, he was denied yet another promotion at the Jeep plant, and with Christmas only a few short weeks away, he barely has any savings left to buy gifts for his loved ones.

In these trying times, when lesser men would turn to the bottle, and others would attempt to rediscover their faith, Jeremy DuFont turns to the one thing that gives him solace and dignity: Stubb’s Barbeque Sauce.

“I know your readers will think I’m a freak or something, but this barbeque sauce has saved my life,” DuFont revealed in an exclusive interview with Toledo Tales. “Some mornings I just lie in bed after hitting the snooze button, too depressed to jerk off. And then I remember there are some leftover riblets, or a piece of baked chicken in the fridge, and it gives me hope—hope that Stubb’s can get me through another bullshit day.”

DuFont feels that it was nothing short of divine intervention that led him to Stubb’s “magical elixir” in the first place.

Stubbs Original BBQ Sauce“It was the day after Pam left me. I forced myself to go grocery shopping, though in retrospect, I had no desire for food—I just wanted to die,” DuFont revealed. “So I’m standing there in aisle 9, staring blankly at row after row of condiments, and I see it: the holy grail of sauces. On the label it read MY LIFE IS IN THESE BOTTLES. From that moment on I knew I’d be okay.”

So while the future remains uncertain, DuFont seems to have found the courage to continue his solemn trek through life.

“I’m a working man, so like all working men, the world is constantly thinking up new ways to fuck me,” DuFont huffed. “But I’m making a stand. Me and this sauce are gonna make it—sticky-fingered and bloated, maybe—but we’ll make it nonetheless.”

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A Brief Word about Savings Accounts

It's difficult for many people to make ends meet, and financial diffficulties we face are compounded by the fact that many banks simply refuse to pay a decent interest rate on savings accounts.

Banks should have to compete for your business just like every other company! SavingsAccounts.com focuses on the direct-to-consumer online banking industry, finding high yield savings accounts for consumers.

Compare online banking interest rates, savings accounts features and find a new savings account or checking account that earns more interest with SavingsAccounts.com. This was a sponsored post.


Local Spinster Engages in Diplomacy with Rowdy Neighbor Kids

(Toledo, OH) Mildred Barringsly, an East Streicher woman noted for a neatly-manicured lawn and low tolerance for neighborhood children, took part in what she called "shuttle diplomacy" last week.

"I had hoped that I could get through to these local hoodlums on the importance of respecting property rights," she said. "I think that citizens have an obligation to reach out to the next generation."

Barringsly's goal: an end to the bitter conflict that has enveloped this North End community, and specifically a cessation of hostilities.

"It began when I kept one of their footballs that landed on my begonias," she said, showing Toledo Tales the confiscated pigskin. "The little bastards retaliated by egging my house."

Barringsly said that her initial overtures of negotiation were rebuffed, but that she will continue to keep topen the doors of diplomatic solutions.

"The mother of three of the miscreants told me to quote: 'get the fuck off my porch' unquote," she said. "Despite my rude welcome, I managed to stick to my talking points."

East Strecher hooligans Mandy (10) and Jason (8) Pinner remained committed to military options.

"That cranky old skanky better give give us back our stuff," said Mandy. "If she doesn't, we have been saving up some stinky presents for her from our dog, Pockets."

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Bob Recommends The Co-operative Bank

Subcomandante Bob knows how important it is for many of you to find a financial institution that understands the importance of investments that focus on sustainability and social responsibility.

Those of you looking for a current account with a firm that has both corporate and social integrity should check out The Co-operative Bank, a UK company that puts its money where its metaphorical mouth is.

What, you doubt these claims? Then check out the ethical policy statement under which The Co-operative Bank operates. Their commitment to social responsibility which underlies their business is part of the collective values that have been passed through the cooperative movement since its creation in England in 1844. This was a sponsored post, for which Bob is very grateful.

AIDS Sufferer Craves One Last Sexual Escapade

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

A Self-Portrait of Yentze suffering from AIDS

Toledo cartoonist Jim Yentze lived the prototypical rock n’ roll lifestyle. An art school graduate who achieved great financial success in the 1990s illustrating for nationally-recognized magazines and newspapers, Yentze’s life was one fraught with booze, pills, and an endless stream of meaningless sexual liaisons.

But since he contracted HIV in 2003, Yentze has harbored a burning desire even as his health has steadily declined: more than anything, he craves one final sexual debacle so that he can relish the wanton pleasures of the flesh before he dies.

“Billy, I’ll be honest with ya — lots of people contract HIV in tragic situations: you got your blood transfusions, child rape in Africa, the list goes on,” Yentze remarked while crushing the butt of a Marlboro Light. “But not me, man. I’ve seen more ass than a bus station bathroom. And fact of the matter is, I was reckless and probably deserve this disease. I just wish I could have one more orgy before I croak.”

Yentze outlined his hedonistic fantasy in graphic detail.

“I’ve thought this through pretty well, and if I ever find a few chicks who are willing to bang a dude with AIDS, I’ve got the cash to make it happen,” Yentze noted. “Here’s the gist of it: three chicks all dress up like my favorite celebrity crushes — Madonna, Angelina Jolie, and a young Meg Ryan. I tie them all up with rope licorice and make them perform the entire score to My Fair Lady in crotchless chaps. At the end, we bang for nineteen hours and finish it off by eating the licorice. It’s like performance art, but all nasty n’ shit.”

A lot like this, but with fewer dudes and the chicks wouldn't look like end tables

And while some of Yentze’s friends and family have tried to discourage this final wish, he remains doggedly committed to making it a reality.

“Yeah, some of my old college buddies keep saying I need to make my peace with God n’ stuff,” Yentze reflected as he slowly doddered to his bathroom to take his daily battery of medication. “But if I pull this sexcapade off, my life will become the stuff of urban legend. Besides, how bad can hell really be? I live in Toledo, for Christ’s sake.”

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Idiot Toledo Kid Keeps Burning Self With Curling Iron, Matches

Goofy kid really did it this time

(Toledo, OH) An incredibly stupid local child continually finds ways to hurt himself, according to family members.

7-year-old Justin Halford's most recent bout of imbecility involved burning himself on the legs, back, and buttocks with a curling iron. His mother, Priscilia Crawford, said that Justin's brainlessness even amazes her sometimes.

"Lord, I swear I don't know if that kid has any brains," she chuckled, crushing out a Marlboro Light. "No matter how many times we talk to him, he still finds another way to hurt himself. Why, just last week he threw himself down a flight of stairs, the moron."

Crawford said that Justin seems to be impervious to pain.

"No matter how many times he pressed that curling iron on his leg, he just kept on doing it over and over," she said, sipping a Miller Genuine Draft. "Tell you the truth - I think he's not right in the head. Anyone who keeps on burning himself like that must have a couple of screws loose in the old gourd, if you ask me."

Toddler picture of Justin after the clumsy oaf jumped off the changing table

Crawford said that she hopes that Justin grows out of his tendency to hurt himself in foolish ways.

"That retarded stuff might just kill that boy some day, yes sir," she said, pausing to smack the shit out of Justin's little sister. "I just hope he gets some common sense before he really hurts himself. If brains were french fries, that stupid kid couldn't fill up a Happy Meal."

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Obscene Caller Misses Days of Heavy Breathing

(Sylvania, OH) Many Americans have readily embraced emerging the technological innovations of the past twenty years.

Perry Yeagher, though, says that his hobby of making obscene telephone calls is "all but destroyed" by the changing world of communications.

"First it was the Caller-ID machines, and then the star-69 crap," he said, placing a call to an elderly Toledo woman. "Nowadays nobody even answers their phones. What's the point of talking nasty to an answering machine?"

Yeagher said that he has tried to change with the times, but his efforts have been futile.

"I started trolling the Net for instant messaging handles," he said, hanging up after getting another machine. "But you lose something when you try to type a creepy moan into that little AIM box. That, plus they just block you when you get freaky."

AIM not as threatening, says Yeagher

Worst of all, said Yeagher, are the responses of his AIM victims.

"With phone calls, you could sometimes hear the terror in their voices, that little twinge of fear that gets me off," he said, trying another number. "And then the bitch on AIM types 'lmfao u r so fnny mb i wish i was jst like u b/c u totally roxors my boxors.' Screw this - I can't get off on stupidity like that."

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Bob Recommends BlackScene.com

Subcomandante Bob, if you hadn't noticed, is not a black man. He thinks he was born black, but switched at birth or something, because many of his best friends are of the African American persuasion, and he detests stupid white singers like Perry Como and Michael Jackson.

But if Bob were, indeed, a black man (or, for that matter, a black woman) he would be sure to visit the Black Dating site at BlackScene.com, which bills itself as the "premier ebony dating community." Sign up today - which is free, by the way - and you can start finding that special someone right away.

The site also just added a chat room, so you can learn a little bit more about prospective dates before any further commitment.

This was a sponsored post, for which Bob is most thankful.


Opinion: I Might As Well Cut My Dick Off

A Toledo Tales Exclusive
By Ted Kuster, Local Retiree

Kuster: War Veteran, Grandfather, Sex-Starved Recluse

When I was young, I had no trouble getting laid. In high school, I got more pussy than Robert Redford. When I took shore leave in Vietnam, I made Bangkok earn its name. But since my wife Carol died a few years ago, I haven’t come close to seeing a woman naked, let alone boning one. So I might as well cut my dick off, for all the good it does.

A bit extreme, you say? Son, I’m 67 years old, and I got a stiffy yesterday at the grocery store so hard it could have shattered glass. The sad thing is, the checkout girl weighed about 210. Pathetic. Thirty years ago, during the war, we called that a “pity screw”—you know, taking one for the team. But hell, I’m so out of my game that I would’ve bent that heifer over a crate of navel oranges in the storeroom and given her the ol’ Kuster Tornado.

I can hardly jerk off without feeling a sense of failure. Sure, the random Tuesday when the mailman brings a new Victoria Secret catalog always makes for a fine evening, but that’s only once a month. My jimmy hasn’t done the horizontal mambo with a bearded clam in so long, it’s a shock he still knows to squirt his sauce at the end.

I know what you’re thinking. Why not just get a hooker, right? I don’t think so. Those whores downtown have more diseases than a daycare swing-set. And besides, last year [my close friend from the war] Tommy Werner went down there for a blowjob. Bastards caught him in a sting operation, so he ended up spending three days in the hole for soliciting. Try explaining that to the grandkids.

The reality is, I’m all washed up. Kaput. I might as well cut my dick off. I should wait until after dinner, though. They have a great early bird special at Denny’s today—an omelet, juice, and toast for only $4.99. Maybe, just maybe, some hard-up waitress will take pity and screw me in the crapper.

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Bob Checks Out FOREX Trading

Listen up, readers. Subcomandante Bob knows that many of you are tired of the paltry 1-2% interest being paid out on savings accounts, and we all know that 2007 has been an über-lousy year for stocks.

If you are looking for an investment vehicle with greater upside, consider taking a look at forex trading, which is the buying and selling of currencies in a real-time virtual trading marketplace. Forex traders take advantage of the fluctuation with interest rates and exchange rates in international currencies.

Follow this link to learn more about global futures and trading with Global Futures Exchange & Trading Co., Inc. This company can help you get started trading forex with as little as $250.

Now, there is risk of loss trading Futures, options and forex, so be sure to invest money you can afford to lose, and not the mortgage, bubba. This was a sponsored post.


Local Dog Exiled to Yard During NCAA Final

(Toledo, OH) A local canine interviewed by Toledo Tales said that he is "hurt and pissed" that his owners relegated him to the backyard during the NCAA Final between Ohio State and Florida.

Hopper, a black-and-white dog of multiple ancestries, also expressed his disappointment at missing yet another piece of sports history.

"Oh yeah, it's the same thing every good game: 'Doggie go outside,'" muttered an obviously perturbed Hopper. "Well, I got some news, pal: Doggie gonna go and fetch a TEC 9mm and bust up this crib if he gets shafted again during a big game. Bastards."

Hopper said that he has missed "just about every" sporting event worth watching in the five years he has lived with his owners.

"Super Bowl, World Series, Wrestlemania - you name it, I missed it," he said, gnawing on the exterior cable hookup. "Let's see how good the game comes in after I grind this wire down to bare metal."

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Babies and Candy "Overrated," Says Local Crook

(Toledo, OH) Ronnie Brecker has been employed in various criminal activities over the years, including car theft, drug sales, and burglary. He toled Toledo Tales that his latest venture, however, was not worth the trouble.

"Yeah, I'd been hearing how easy it is to steal candy from babies, so I figured I'd give it a try," said Brecker. "It's easy all right, but what do you do with the shit? There is, like, no after-market for Dum-Dums."

Brecker said that toddlers are also "terrible victims."

"Most people clam right up once they see the gun," he said. "But, no! Not little Brianna; she's got to scream at the top of her lungs. Then, when you give 'em a quick reminder smack, they scream even more."

Another drawback, according to Brecker, is the quality of the merchandise.

"There little bastards have no eye for top-notch candy; all they want is the goddamn sugar," he said. "And then, when I want to eat a chunk of Laffy Taffy I heisted from some sniveling 2-year old, I find that the little freak ate from it and stuck it back in the package. Screw this!"

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Optimizing Your Search Engine Results

Subcomandante Bob knows that it's a dog-eat-dog world out there, as you website owners struggle to get the search engines to rank you high in search results.

Quite a few companies have sprung up in recent years touting all sorts of methods to improve search engine optimization for websites. Unfortunately, there are also a lot of scam artists, so beware.

One reputable company that Bob has discovered for search engine optimization is eTrafficJam.com. This company has a unique pitch - clients pay according to how many top 10 organic rankings they get for them in Google, Yahoo! and MSN.

There is still an initial set up fee, but the rest of the annual agreement is pay-for-performance... eTrafficJam.com either delivers a minimum of 10 top-10 rankings to you, or that month is free.

You can choose from four different SEO packages to suit your needs and your search engine marketing budget. This was a sponsored post, for which Bob is very, very happy.

Copyright 2007, Toledo Tales ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. Toledo Tales ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of Toledo Tales ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Toledo Tales ® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

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