Toledo Tales

Left: "Piper," a local pharmaceuticals rep

The US economy ended 2005 like a lamb and is roaring back like a lion, a resounding rebound that a local dope dealer believes will lead the Federal Reserve to raise interest rates in the months ahead.

"I had earlier had predicted a 3.4 percent growth rate for 2006," said "Piper," weed rep and economist. "If the revised forecast proves accurate, it would mark the best showing since the July-through-September period in 2003, when the economy expanded at a blistering 7.2 percent pace. That's good news for the average dope man, who depends upon disposable consumer income."

The fresh forecast from Ganja Economics shows gross domestic product growing at a healthy 4.5 percent annual rate from January through March.

"Our forecasters expect the economy to shake off the effects of last year’s hurricanes and surging oil prices," said Piper, pausing to take a cellular call. "However, if long-term mortgage rates were to jump sharply or if housing prices, which have risen rapidly, were to fall, it could spell trouble for the housing market, overextended homeowners and the overall economy. Especially the weed market."

Piper also provided predictions on inflation for 2006.

"I see inflation calming this year, with consumer prices increasing by 2.9 percent this year and 2.4 percent next year," he said. "That would be an improvement from last year's 3.4 percent jump, the biggest in five years. Thus I believe a dime bag will be shorted only a couple of crumbs in 2006, keeping pace with the trend we have seen over the last ten years."

Left: Flippy and the Wilmingtons in happier days

(Toledo, OH) The Wilmington family on Knapp Street faces one of its biggest challenges ever, as a cherished family member is being forcibly deported.

Due to recent incontinence issues, Flippy the dog is being permanently relocated to exterior quarters, said immigration authority spokesman John Wilmington.

"That damn dog has pissed on the carpet for the last time," he muttered, leading the chocolate lab outside.

Family member Jeremy Wilmington expressed unhappiness with the immigration decision.

"Flippy never bothered anyone!" he exclaimed. "Flippy will miss us if he has to stay outside!"

Assistant immigration director Barb Wilmington expressed regret, but said the agency had no other options.

"Look, Flippy knew what the residency conditions were, and he chose not to follow them," she said. "We had no choice but to deport him."

Jeremy, Ashley, and Tricia Wilmington plan to hold a vigil for the beleaguered Flippy, which will consist of midnight deliveries of smuggled Milkbones until the immigration issues are settled.

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

(Detroit, MI)—Automotive giant General Motors announced today that it will lay off all of its employees—including factory workers and corporate management—by 2009.

The lone exception will be ten Italian-American laborers who “fucking work their greasy asses off,” and will remain an indispensable asset to the company throughout the next decade, said a company spokesperson.

While all ten Italians recently declined an interview with Toledo Tales due to scheduling conflicts, an anonymous source has confirmed that they all hail from various parts of northwest Ohio and central Michigan, and at least two have been convicted of alcohol-related offenses in Lucas County.

The United Auto Workers blasted GM executives, citing this decision as a “monumental setback” for working families, especially in areas such as Lansing and rural Georgia, where economic growth has remained stagnant in recent years.

But despite a never-ending assault from labor activists and the press, chief executive G. Richard Wagoner Jr. sees GM’s struggle through a pane of rosy optimism.

“GM is still a family company, and is still dedicated to its employees," he said. "In fact, I have an ’86 Corvette around back that is going to shuttle folks to the unemployment office free of charge. With that kind of service, who needs a pension?”

Wagoner also sought to soothe the impact this would have on the nation’s unemployment rate.

“No matter where our workers end up — be it their brother’s couch in Sylvania, drinking Jim Bean at 10 a.m., or begging for loose change outside an Episcopal Church in Flint—they can take great pride in 2009, when these ten Italian dudes roll eleven, twelve, maybe even a baker’s dozen of GM vehicles off the assembly line for an eager American public.” brrreeeport krugle

Left: Whooping it up in One Government Center

(Toledo, OH) After word of his new $9,996 executive shower leaked to the local press, Toledo mayor Carty Finkbeiner decided annouce all of the amenities added to the mayor's office.

"It is my pleasure to display our new mayoral hot tub," he smiled, gesturing toward the bubbling water. "This baby even has those high-powered jets for the lower lumbar region. Man, my lower lumbar sometimes gets pretty tightened up, especially when I am going all out on economic development."

Another new feature - a well-stocked bar, complete with a carbonated soda dispenser.

"When we are entertaining out-of-town businessmen, we want to show them how fun Toledo can be," said the mayor, clinking ice cubes into highball glasses. "When they leave we want them to think one word when they think of Toledo, and that word is 'Partytown!'"

Finkbeiner added that he hopes morale in City Hall will get a boost with the new facilities.

"We are having directors' meetings up here, and let me tell you, there is some real comraderie brewing here," he said, stripping to his bathing suit. "Everyone except that towel boy Larry, though. That kid needs to lighten up before he gets a mayoral ass-kicking, and don't think for a minute I won't do it myself, either." brrreeeport krugle

(Toledo, OH) The news that three local men were indicted on terrorism charges has brought quite a few Toledoans out to tell of chance meetings with the accused terrorists.

A fast food worker talked about her experiences with alleged terror suspect Mohammad Zaki Amawi.

"I took that guy's order about two weeks ago, and I knew right then that something was wrong with him," said Sandy Llewllyn, a McDonald's cashier. "I'll never forget what he said to me when I handed him his food: 'Thank you.' Omigod! NOBODY says 'thank you' these days, which goes to show you how sick these terrorists are."


A local auto mechanic expressed "shock and awe" when he heard that one of his customers - Marwan Othman El Hindi - may have been involved in the terror plot.

"That guy has been coming here for two years getting his oil changed, and the last time he was here he told me not to worry about the change," said Mark Martinez of the $.02 coming back from a $20. "I mean, come on - Arabs are cheap, right? I figure the only reason this guy didn't want his pennies back was because he knew he was about to blow himself up in a suicide mission."

Martinez said that he hoped justice would prevail.

"They need to round up a couple hundred more of these shifty bastards, if you ask me," he said. "Better to be safe than sorry - stick 'em all in a camp someplace, is what I say."
brrreeeport krugle

(Toledo, OH) A federal grand jury indicted three Toledo-area men on terrorism charges on Tuesday, and the Joint Terrorism Task Force announced today that they have uncovered evidence of a training camp in the area.

"It is clear that the terrorists used this facility to prepare for urban combat," said US Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez. "We believe that the terrorists planned to recruit others to utilize this site."

Gonzalez said that the fake merry-go-round was used by the terror suspects to simulate the vertigo associated with bouncing in a pickup truck across the Iraqi desert.

"Thirty or fourty turns on that will separate the men from the boys," he said. "Try to fire an RPG launcher after being spun around on that device. Phew!"

The attorney general believes that the towers were used to mimic the conditions snipers would face in a city setting.

"They climb up in the top and shout things down, like "Hey Mr. Stupid" or something like that," he said. "Then when the target would angrily turn around, KERPOWIE! Right in the face with a .50 caliber slug. This case stands as a reminder of the need for continued vigilance in the war on terrorism." brrreeeport krugle

(Toledo, OH) Local bowling afficianado Nathan "Nappy" Jazubowski was surprised to hear that three local men were indicted on charges that they planned to attack US troops in Iraq.

"Whoa - that's some heavy shit," remarked Jazubowski. "I think we should go over there and bomb the hell out of those countries, maybe nuke 'em."

Jazubowski, who acknowledged that he "really doesn't follow politics and all that," found the idea of local terrorists disturbing.

"It's like, the guy in the lane next to me trying to pick up a 6-7 split might be a terrorist," he mused. "That kind of creeps me out, you know what I mean?"

The Toledo resident said that he will be more vigilant in the future.

"Oh yeah, I'll be watching out for terrorists, no doubt," said Jazubowski. "I'm thinking about getting a security camera for my back door." brrreeeport krugle

(Toledo, OH) Taking a cue from the decision by the federal government to outsource security at other major ports, officials from the Port Authority today named the Dexter Boyz - a local Blood-affiliated gang - to handle security at Toledo Express and the Port of Toledo.

"The Toledo-Lucas County Port Authority's business is transportation," said James Hartung, CEO of the Port Authority. "That business is shaped by our mission to move people and cargo through the region while employing innovative finance programs to stimulate economic development. The Dexter Boyz will help us keep our shizzle from being hizzled."

Members of the Dexter Boyz joined the press conference and outlined their plans for the Port duties.

"Frankly, sir, I take offense at your suggestion that we are engaging in "gang" activity," said Sheldon Jackson, a spokesperson for the group. "Our society is primarily a fraternal organization designed to promote solidarity and the education of our members. Our goal is to provide some serious security, up to and including cap-busting, ass-kicking, and fo-shizzle dizzling."

Hartung said the group "outbid and outperformed" other security organizations.

"The Dexter Boyz have a proven track record in getting merchandise moved and handling security logistics," he said. "I holla out at mah dawgs to shoot the five anyone mess wit our steez, aight?"

brrreeeport krugle

(Toledo, OH) The US Treasury Department has frozen the assets of another Toledo-based group, Girl Scouts of Maumee Valley Council, saying it also funnels money to terrorists.

This comes on the heels of an earlier announcement that KindHearts of Toledo is accused of having ties with the Holy Land Foundation, which is linked to Hamas, and the Global Relief Foundation, which is linked to the terrorist group al-Qaeda.

"We have been tailing these operatives for weeks as they go door-to-door raising money for terrorists," said FBI special agent Louis Nelson. "They may look like doe-eyed second graders, but these are coldblooded killers, folks."

One of the most telling clues in cookie sales was the lists of cookie purchasers.

"We found 37 people with the name "Mohammed" and 11 "Ahmeds" on these lists," said Nelson, holding up cookie order forms. "What more evidence do you people need?"

Nelson defended the government's steps as "necessary for freedom."

"Listen - we are dealing with terrorists who have infiltrated every community in the US," he said. "When cookies get sold, the terrorists win."

Eight-year old Samantha Biggens of Toledo, however, took issue with the announcement.

"I see London, I see France, I see Nelson's underpants," said the cookie-selling Girl Scout. "Oh - and he smells like dookie, too."
brrreeeport krugle

(Toledo, OH) Gazing at his television, Perrysburg resident Carl Breckenspleth believes there is something "really similar" between the lead actress and another actress he remembers.

"That actress looks a lot like this girl from that really big movie a few years back," said Breckenspleth, eyes closed to assist his memory. "You know - the good-looking one who was in that movie with that funny young man? That's her, all right."

Breckenspleth said that there was something in the actress's speech that triggered the memory.

"When she said that bit about how she felt about that guy - that's what did it for me," he remarked. "She said it exactly the way that other girl did when she was in that TV show about the mother and her kids."

There also appears to be an uncanny psychological match between the two actresses, said Breckenspleth.

"Those two women act exactly alike when they are doing their scenes," he said. "When she looked at that guy in that one TV special, she could have been the other girl's twin when she did that scene with that actor from the old TV series about the doctor. I swear - it's scary how much those two are alike!"
brrreeeport krugle

(Toledo, OH) Pointing to the belly of an expectant Katie Holmes, a proud Tom Cruise smiled to reporters.

"Yeah, I've got your "Rump Ranger" right here," he said, flexing his biceps. "I've said it before, but I'll repeat it: "Who's your daddy?" TOM FUCKING CRUISE, that's who!"

Crusie has been dogged throughout his career by rumors that he is attracted to men, and he is suing Kyle Bradford, a gay porn star whose real name is Chad Slater, for defamation. Bradford allegedly told gossip magazine Actustar that he had an affair with Cruise during his marriage to Nicole Kidman.

"Let's just say this pistol is cocked and loaded," he joked, pointing finger pistols at reporters. "And it ain't shooting blanks, either. Heh heh."

Holmes did not speak during the news conference. Cruise said that she "knew better" than to talk out of turn.

"What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?" he asked his Rayban-wearing fiancee. "Nothing. You already told her twice! Isn't that right, honey? Just nod, OK?"

(Toledo, OH) Howard "Buck" Jackson has been watching the 2006 Olympics on NBC "pretty near all week," but says the athletic competitions he's seen so far "suck real bad."

"Listen - me and my buds can totally outperform these dickheads," he said, setting down his ninth Bud Light. "We rigged up an old DuraLiner as a practice bobsled, and our times downhill make them Olympians look ridiculous."

Another event that Jackson believes he will "rule" in is cross-country skiing.

"Look at them assholes - a couple of 1'x8's on their boots and they think they're Richard Petty," he said. "My cousin's got somefiberglass panels that he shined up with WD-40, and I bet we can go twice as fast as them."

Jackson says that he prefers the Summer over the Winter Olympics.

"The girls got a lot less clothers in the Summer Olympics," he said, grabbing a handful of Cheetohs. "Those parkas don't help out with what you call your 'production values.'"

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

Toledoan Aaron Rice earned a new lease on life when he met his “dream woman” in an online chatroom last November, and ever since, the couple has been glued to their respective computers.

Sadly, a recent Google search has revealed that Priscilla Howard, 37, is “grossly fucking obese,” and may have lied about her other physical features.

“I can’t believe this has happened to me,” Rice bemoaned as he softly dabbed tears from his eyes. “She made me worship a 119 lb. lie! God, I bet she isn’t even a natural redhead.”

And while it is still unclear why Rice did not conduct a background check earlier in their relationship, his response is clearly one of shock and betrayal.

“Nothing matters anymore,” Rice sobbed, who admits to be a "svelte" 379 pounds himself. “There’s no way she bikes to her marketing job everyday and spends Saturdays in the park with her collie Buster. She’s a disgusting fat-body. That’s like, worse than if she was an Asian.”

(North Bass Island, Ohio) Local cavemen took to the streets today to protest claims by another indigenous group to North Bass Island.

"We were here at least ten thousand years before the Ottawa," said Grokk, a spokeman for the group. "If anyone should get it, it's us."

The Ottawa, a Native American group that has been fighting for fishing rights on the Lake Erie island, now demands ownership of the 677 acre island. Grokk took issue with their claims.

"The Ottawa occupied the island for only a century or two," he said, beating a piece of quartz with a rock. "My ancestors lived on that island for thousands of years."

Based on interpretations of two treaties from the early 1800s, the Ottawa Tribe of Oklahoma claims that it should have the entire island. Grokk and other cavemen disagree, and have other plans.


"We would like the US to cede title to us so that we can make a prehistoric game preserve," he said. "We will stock it with woolly mammoths and other exotic big game. We think that we have the next big thing in hunting here, and Cabela's has already given us a verbal agreement to cross-promote the preserve."

A spokesman for the Ottawa said that he had not heard of the claims of the cavemen, but believed that the Neanderthals were "between a rock and a hard place."

"Fuck 'em. It's evolution, man," said the spokesman, who chose to remain nameless.

Left: Local Olympic hopeful "Tweaky"

(Toledo, OH) The years of grueling training for local resident "Tweaky" have paid off, and the Toledo crackhead believes he may have a shot at a 2010 Olympic gold medal.

"Yeah, I was watching the TV yesterday, and I heard them talking about the 'half-pipe' event," he said, looking over his shoulder. "I thought to myself: 'Tweaky - this is your shot at the big time.' NOBODY knows more about the pipe than the Tweakman."

Tweaky, who has been a regular rock user for "fifteen or twenty years," said that he owes his skills to one special friend.

"My man G always hooks me up and never cuts me short," he said, jumping at the sound of a chirping bird. "Without G, I would have never wound up where I am today. Thank you, my friend."

Unlike most Olympic medal winners Tweaky does not envision a Wheaties box cover.

"But I would like them to make a special blend of crack and crystal meth after me," he added, scratching his cheek. "Yeah - that would be pretty cool."

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—Larry Simpson, a life-long Toledo resident, recently marked the site of his “massive Friday night whiz” with a Christian roadside marker to honor the hallowed nature of the event.

Simpson consumed approximately 13 pints of Budweiser at Jo-Jo’s Pizzeria on Monroe Street between the hours of 7 and 11 p.m., and his bladder ached at the very thought of release.

“Jesus, I thought I was gonna burst,” mumbled Simpson between drags from his Marlboro Light. “I tried to make it back to Bancroft Hills, but nature won out. Let’s just say I blessed the good soil with two liters of man-juice, and was compelled to commemorate the event.”

Simpson said that he felt that his experience "bordered on the sacred."

"I swear that I saw God that night," he said. "What transpired on the side of the road was visionary moment, a truly holy event. I had to get on my knees afterward, but I think that was probably because I had to barf, too."

Some Toledoans were offended, however, since they felt the cross cheapened several deaths from recent automobile accidents.

“This is an atrocious denigration of religious symbolism,” said Barbara Vera, a local parent who lost her only daughter in a horrific car crash. “We had to identify our Lauren by her dental records, and this fucker gets to celebrate his alcoholism? I’d punch him in the balls if I knew where he lived.”

(Toledo, OH) Councilman Bob McCloskey, the second place vote-getter in the November election, laughed over what he called "the incredible stupidity" of Toledo voters.

"How many other indicted extortionists could get that many votes," he asked. "Answer: none. I am the alpha and the omega of Toledo politics."

McCloskey, who has also come under fire for a campaign maneuver that evades term-limit laws by switching from a district seat to an at-large seat, scoffed at suggestions that voters will catch on to his antics.

"You have stupid people, you have sheep, and below those groups you have Toledo voters," he chuckled. "They are trained like chimps to pull the same lever each time, and by God, I am living proof."

A Lucas County grand jury indicted McCloskey on two felony bribery charges for purpotedly demanding $100,000 for a prescription-drug fund for fellow Pilkington retirees in exchange for his support on a zoning issue. At least one of these demands was left on a voicemail.

If convicted, the councilperson faces a sentence of one to five years and up to a $10,000 fine on each count. In addition, a person convicted of bribery is barred from holding public office under Ohio law. This information did not seem to faze McCloskey.

"This is just a show to keep a few cranks like Dave "No T" Shulz happy," he said. "Let's just say that the right people have been contacted and given friendly advice. You ever get any friendly advice from a good friend? Then you know how important it is to follow good advice, right?"

(Toledo, OH) Harvey Miller has been a fan of Star Wars since the release of the first film, and he has an added reason for the series to continue.

"People tell me all the time that I am a dead ringer for Harrison Ford," he said, waving a plastic light saber. "Believe you me, it has some hidden benefits."

Miller said that "at least three times" he has been approached in bars by fans of Han Solo.

"Two of them were pretty hot, and let me say we later toured the universe," he smiled. "The third time, though, was a little weird, as some dude made suggestions about the use of the light saber that I am pretty sure would void the warranty."

He was participating at a "Celebrity Lookalike" how at a local retirement home when his fans got a liitle wild.

"I had 60- and 70- year old ladies with all sorts of freaky propositions," he said. "But since it was a dry spell for me, I had to take a few of them up on it; I hate to say this, but let's just say teeth are overrated."

(Toledo, OH) Noting the rise in racial profiling a Toledo firm is introducing a line of masks for black motorists called the "White Guy" line.

Creative Strategies founder Kevin Richardson said that the masks will likely come in very handy.

"The whole "driving while black" phenomenon is now a thing of the past," he said. "Cops will see that you are a White Guy, and will allow you free passage, even in the whitest of suburbs."

Richardson believes the White Guy mask has other uses.

"If your car ever breaks down, how many people are going to stop and help some black dude? Answer: None," he said. "They will probably think you are just trying to jack their car. With the White Guy mask, you are ten times as likely to have a Good Samaritan stop."

Catching a cab will also be easier with the mask, said Richardson.

"We know cabbies will fly right by a brother if they think they see a white fare ahead," he said. "With the White Guy mask, not only do you get the cab, but you can pull it off and smile at his racist Pakistani ass."

(Toledo, OH) Local resident Jon Hewitt, who recently began work at a local branch of a Big 8 accounting firm, says that he has been "overwhelmed" by coworkers asking him if he used to play basketball.

"Yes, I am black, and no, I cannot slam dunk," said Hewitt. "I can't believe these people; I'm only 6' 1", for chrissakes. I can barely touch the rim."

Hewitt, who just graduated from UT with a double major in accounting and finance, said that even company officers ask him about hoops.

"This one VP stopped in the middle of a department meeting and began to pretend like he was driving in the lane," he said, adding that he hasn't played the game since 4th grade gym. "He started this: "You got game, motherfucker?" crap, and wouldn't let up until I elbowed him."

Hewitt said that he hopes the novelty of a black accountant will soon pass.

"I'd hate to leave this place because the money is good and there are advancement opportunities here," he said. "But the next SOB who comes up and tries to do a skyhook over me when I am next to a trash can is going to get an ass-kicking."

(Toledo, OH) Mayor Carty Finkbeiner will ask Toledo City Council for a 180-day hold on new commercial development in the Westgate Village area to make changes to the zoning code.

Finkbeiner, however, told Toledo Tales that his reluctance to ink a deal has deeper roots.

"Change is a very scary thing," he said. "Couldn't we just plant some flowers and paint the fire hydrants?"

The mayor said that the current Westgate setup is "pretty neat."

"You've got lots of parking here, and plenty of places to rent already," he said. "Why mess with a good thing?"

Finkbeiner said that he likes to take long walks at the shopping center.

"It's very peaceful and serene here," he said. "Kind of like a relaxing sojourn at cemetery - it really helps you clear your head of the day-to-day craziness."

(Toledo, OH) In an interview with Toledo Tales, Toledo mayor Carty Finkbeiner expressed satisfaction with his first month's accomplishments.

"I have managed to go through an entire month without saying something completely boneheaded," he smiled. "One down, 47 more to go."

The mayor, whose penchant for off-the-cuff remarks is legendary, said that he has been "sticking to the script" as much as possible.

"I have been practicing my speeches at home, and whenever I stray from the script, Amy gives me a jolt of 24-volt love," he said, showing reporters a set of electrodes on his chest and neck. "Believe me, it only takes a couple of zaps to make me stay on message."

Finkbeiner believes that his motto "Carty Gets Results" has been proven true during his first month.

"I have managed to turn a signed development deal on Westgate into a major regional fiasco," he said of the contract with Abbell Credit. "You didn't think I could just let that one proceed without getting my hands all over it, did you?"

Also known for his fiery temper, Finkbeiner said that anger management counselors have helped him keep his anger in check.

"I used to go directly into ballistic mode, but I have found that going back into my office and breaking the neck of a kitten helps me defuse," he said, poitning to a pile of dead felines in the corner. "Thank God we have so many ferral cats in this city, or I might have taken my anger out on a subordinate by now."

Left: "Piper," a local pharmaceuticals rep

The looming matchup between the Seattle Seahawks and the Pittsburgh Steeelers has benefitted not only local hotels and restaurants. Toledo's top dopeman, who goes by the name of "Piper," reports that his cellphones are "lierally off the hook."

"I'm getting calls from as far away as Fort Wayne and Detroit," he said, pausing to put a caller on hold. "We must have moved more merchandise in the past 48 hours than we did during the last Grateful Dead tour."

Piper attributes his firm's success to strategic marketing.

"We've been paying off bellhops, taxi cab drivers, and waitresses all over the region," he said. "It's amazing what a couple dozen free joints will bring you in networked sales."

The national crackdown on drunk-driving may also be helping to fuel the interest in marijuana, said Piper.

"If you get pulled over while stoned, you have a better chance of getting away with it as long as you don't talk too much," he said. "Potheads don't have whiskey breath, they usually aren't aggressive, and by the time the cop gets to the car they are so paranoid that they look sober."

Piper also believes that increased slaes may be due to his firm's willingness to extend more credit to regular customers.

"Our agents are prepared to raise credit lines by as much as 50% during Super Bowl weekend," he said. "It's customer service that really sets us apart from all the other punk-ass wannabes who crowd this market."

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

Regina Kyre: Old, Slow, Proudly Not Irish

37-year-old Toledoan Ian Dobson is not prone to bursts of public outrage, but when he was forced to stand in line for 20 minutes yesterday at a West Toledo library, his mouth “got away from him.”

According to eyewitness reports, Dobson loudly muttered the phrase “stupid mick” after Assistant Librarian Regina Kyre, 68, checked out a copy of “Goodnight, Moon” for his daughter Casie in a slow, doddering fashion.

Kyre, who originally hails from Edinburgh, Scotland, has been a Toledo resident for almost three decades, and strongly resented the slanderous Irish misnomer.

“That rank bajin couldn’t spot a true Scottish dame if one bit him in the arse,” boasted Kyre in her distinct Highlands cadence. “I hope the dobber's daughter gets shagged by a skenker.”

Dobson quickly returned the volley despite his palpable embarrassment.

“Look, all those limey British types sound the same, okay?,” Dobson quipped. “I’ll send Mrs. Braveheart a bottle of Johnnie Walker as an apology. I’m sure she has plenty to celebrate with her library friends since they all make like, $6.73 an hour and live in rusty trailers.”

(Toledo, OH) From time to time Subcomandante Bob gets letters. OK, he gets a lot of letters from bill collectors and municipal courts, but we aren't talking about those kinds of letters. Those get stuffed into a drawer under the television set, and only get taken out when Bob needs something to light the grill with.

The letters we are talking about are those from readers. Bob, for an unexplained reason, seems to evoke in readers a belief that he has advice to offer, advice that only comes from hard living and associating with ne'er-do-wells.

That being said we bring to you a few letters from Bob's mailbag:

Dear Subcomandante Bob:

My wife of 18 years left me, which is bad enough, but she also took our home theater. Given that the Super Bowl is coming up, what would you recommend that I do - go to a bar and sit with a bunch of drunks, or go to a friend's house and sit with a bunch of drunks?

Marty in Maumee

Dear Marty:

Did you buy that TV? Did you work hard for that home theater? If you can invent a way to answer "yes" to at least one of those questions, then I suggest you get your cousin Jerry's Dodge Ram and go reclaim your property. Furthermore, nothing says "gimme back my shit" better than a loaded 12-gauge, so be sure to pack heat. And if her good-for-nothing, smarmy stockbroker of a boyfriend's BMW is in the driveway, be sure to say "hello" by scratching the paint with your keys.


Dear Bob:

My Mom says that I can't play over at Mr. Vandervooten's house any more because of some stupid girl named Megan that they passed a law about. He's really nice, and he lets us come over and play video games. What should I do?

Billy in Toledo

Dear Billy:

Bob thinks your Mom is right. Sorry, pal. But Bob also thinks your Mom is pretty sexy, judging from the photo you sent. Bob wants you to send more pictures of your Mom, and also to give her this cell phone number (enclosed). Thanks, kiddo.


Dear Bob:

I am the mayor of a mid-sized Ohio city who struggles with keeping his temper. Some people say that I am as crazy as a rabid dog on crystal meth with a razor blade stuck in its paw, but I don't believe I am that nutty. Just a little edgy. Anyways, what do you think I could do to relieve stress and keep from killing people?

C-man

Dear C-man:

You are not fooling anyone, mister, and you owe me $50 from last weekend. I don't have slush funds like you to tap, and I need the money. Pay up before I have to drive over there and beat you like a donkey.

(Toledo, OH) Speaking for his feline compatriots, a local mouser said that the time has come to bring an end to off-color jokes directed at cats.

"Nobody even thinks it's funny any more to walk up and say: 'Hey, check out the pussy,'" said "Bootsie," an area feline. "Yeah, that's really original, pal. Did you stay up all night thinking of that one?"

Bootsie, who added that he is also ticked about the name he has been given, said that many cats are going on the offensive.

"Yeah, just last week this cat from Maumee attacked a 14-year old boy who though he was a jokester," he said. "Here's a clue: some of us are ready to rip your throat out if you tell that stupid joke again."

The demographics of the pranksters span all known categories, said Bootsie.

"The worst ones are the little old ladies who will call out 'Here, pussy-pussy-pussy' like they have never heard the derogatory slang term," he said, baring his fangs. "Next time I run into one of those types I am going to 'forget' I know about litter boxes. Idiots."

(Toledo, OH) Owners of the Westgate shopping center, who want to bring a Costco store to the site and redevelop the retail space, have agreed to a compromise solution with Toledo Mayor Carty Finkbeiner.

"We bought 3,000 gallons of green outdoor paint to keep the nutjob happy," said Liz Holland, chief executive officer of the Chicago company that owns Westagte. "In our last meeting he kept repeating this "green, green, green" mantra over and over, and we finally figured out a way to shut him up."

Under the terms of the agreement, surreptitiously obtained by Toledo Tales, Abbell Credit Corporation agrees to at least 1.5 acres of "green space" on the remodeled site.

"Carty will have his green," Holland added cryptically. "We will make sure that any green Carty needs will happen."

The mayor could not be reached for comment at press time, but a spokesperson said that Mr. Finkbeiner is "happy that Abbell will not be holding back on the green."