Toledo Tales

Left: Can I buy a witness?

(Toledo, OH) Former Maumee coin dealer and GOP fundraiser Tom Noe wants his trial on 53 counts of theft, forgery, and racketeering moved to a different country, claiming that pretrial publicity has been prejudicial.

"I'm hoping that we can have the trial in Latvia, because I hear the Toledo Blade's subscription numbers suck there," he said. "If not, we may have to shoot for someplace like the Congo, where they use drums or some wacky shit to communicate the news."

Noe and his lawyers filed a motion in Lucas County Common Pleas Court that claims media coverage of the coin dealer in The Blade has been "negative, sensational, and downright icky."

"Tying me to all those political scandals was bad enough, but in today's paper they try to pin me with the Natalee Holloway murder," he said, shaking his head. "I mean, come on! I hardly knew that chick, and all I did was buy her a couple of drinks. Besides, she brought me nothing but bad luck on the craps tables."

Noe hopes that the change of venue will prove to be the deciding edge in his trial.

"All the crooked judges in Lucas County are too terrified to take a bribe right now, especially after the Zouhary deal," he reflected. "If I go overseas I have a 50-50 shot at scoring a judge with negotiable ethics. At the very least I should be able to find some nightclubs not crawling with Blade reporters."

Left: Local resident "Tweaky"

(Toledo, OH) Local crack cocaine afficianado "Tweaky" Williams spoke to Toledo Tales reporters today about the unprecedented increase in crystal meth addicts in Toledo.

"Most of the good crack dealers are chasing after the meth-heads, since they haven't bottomed out yet like crackheads," he said. "Who would you prefer to cater to, a zoned-out crackhead who hasn't worked in two years or a meth freak who just got paid?"

Tweaky said that the result for crackheads is a decrease in supply.

"Used to be a guy could make a call and your man would be there in ten minutes tops," he said, shaking his head. "Now it's like: "Well, maybe I can make it tomorrow morning." Ummm, excuse me? I CAN'T FUCKING WAIT TILL TOMORROW MORNING!"

Pausing to pick at something white on the ground, Tweaky apologized for his outburst.

"I'm sorry man, I'm a little on edge today," he admitted. "I might have to switch drugs just to get a little love from the dealers. It's pretty bad when loyalty doesn't mean anything to businessmen anymore."Barry Bonds Lost Macbook Clay Aiken

(Toledo, OH) From time to time Subcomandante Bob gets letters. OK, he gets a lot of letters from bill collectors and municipal courts, but we aren't talking about those kinds of letters. Those get stuffed into a drawer under the television set, and only get taken out when Bob needs something to light the grill with.

The letters we are talking about are those from readers. Bob, for an unexplained reason, seems to evoke in readers a belief that he has advice to offer, advice that only comes from hard living and associating with ne'er-do-wells.

That being said we bring to you a few letters from Bob's mailbag:

Dear Subcomandante Bob:

The last thing I remember was leaving my house about 8:00 on Friday night. Now there's a dead woman in my car and about 45 messages on my voicemail. Help!!

Sam in Sylvania

Dear Sam:

Now let me ask you a question, Sam. When you drove in here, did you notice a sign out in front that said, "Dead woman storage"? Answer the question! Did you see a sign out in front of my house that said "Dead woman storage"? You know why you didn't see that sign? 'Cause storin' dead women ain't my fuckin' business!


Dear Bob:

Maybe I hang around here a little more than I should. We both know I got somewhere else to go, but I got something to tell you, that I never thought I would. But I believe you really ought to know - I love you. I honestly love you.

Liv, down under

Dear Liv:

Turn around and walk right back out the door. There was a good reason I got that restraining order in 1973. Go away.


Dear Bob:

I thought we had a good relationship, Toledo and me. I go and do a little window shopping, and now everyone hates me. What happened to the love?

Eugene in Toledo...err...Cleveland

Dear Eugene:

I know how you feel, friend. One minute everyone loves you, and the next you've got an angry mob with pitchforks and torches chasing you out of town. Say, bud - do you have that $20 we bet on the NBA Finals last year? Macbook American Idol

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

Left: Murray during his last visit to Comerica Park

(Toledo, OH)—Dave Murray has been a Tigers fan his whole life, so after years of chronic disappointment, he is insatiably excited about their spring performance in the American League Central division.

Unfortunately for Tina Murray, his wife of eight years, this means that their daily interaction is limited to the seventh inning stretch, and last night’s argument about balancing the checkbook was no exception.

“Man, I knew as soon as I walked in the door she was ready to go at it,” Murray recalled. “I made like, three ATM withdrawals last week without telling her, and I saw the checkbook on the table. That’s when I played my hand: I spent my last $12 on flowers and a copy of The Da Vinci Code in paperback. I was golden, baby. God bless Kroger.”

Murray’s unwarranted act of kindness, given its rarity and thoughtfulness, stunned his wife for hours, who was content to read alone in their bedroom.

“I did the dishes during the ads, which got me from the 4th inning to the 7th,” Murray explained. “When Tina came out for a glass of water during the stretch, I pounced. It was like 90 seconds with the Spanish Inquisition, but damn if she didn’t slink off before Detroit came to bat.”

Prompted about the future of his marriage, Murray seemed remarkably optimistic.

“Well, she treats me like a child and I act like a child, so it’s probably a good thing that we can’t have kids,” Murray reflected. “And when she cries at night, I just sleep on the couch.” Murray paused before adding: “Did you see Verlander throwing heat in the 9th, though? 99 MPH. That boy’s got a golden arm.” Macbook American Idol

Left: Say it ain't so...

(Toledo, OH) Toledoan Aaron Rice, a longtime Krispy Kreme customer, was despondent to find out that Toledo's last Krispy Kreme location is closing.

"Un-freaking-believeable. That's about all I can say," said Rice, a creme-filled doughnut in each beefy hand. "It's not like this town is exactly crawling with doughnut joints, and the ones that are here pretty much suck. Let me ask you - how's a guy like me supposed to get by?"

Rice said that he believes his health may be in jeopardy because of the corporate decision to close the store.

"Hey man - my body has become attuned to a steady influx of Krispy Kreme doughnuts. What's going to happen when I am suddenly cut off?" he asked. "If I have a heart attack or go into shock because my supply is gone, somebody's ass is gonna get sued."

Realizing that today was the last day, Rice had a large order phoned ahead for pickup.

"I was able to get thirty dozen of my favorite varieties boxed up," he said. "I can freeze most of them, and this will carry me about six weeks if I am not too much of a pig. But what am I gonna do when they are gone?"Macbook American Idol weight loss obesity overweight dieting

By Toledo Tales contributing editor Aerdina

Left: The candy-man?

The Toledo Catholic Diocese has gone to court to keep a former priest away from a West Toledo chapel because children attend a nearby school.

The ex-priest, Chet Warren, told Toledo Tales reporters that he doesn't see a problem being around children.

"I've always loved children," said Warren. "Some of my best friends are children, and I just like to be around them. Is that so wrong?"

Warren believes that there is a Biblical basis for his friendships.

"Hey man - since I couldn't have any of my own as a priest, I enjoyed their company," he said. "Like Jesus said:"Suffer the little children unto me?" I'm just following the Lord's advice."

One of Warren's favorite holidays is the Halloween season.

"Man, oh man; there is nothing like Trick-or-Treat to bring out the kiddies," he said wistfully. "That's why I keep candy with me 24/7 - every day is Halloween when Chet Warren is around."

The source of the dispute between the Church and Warren is a chapel at Blessed Sacrament. Interviewed by Toledo Tales at the church, Warren pointed to the dozens of children milling about during recess.

"Look at those beautiful, innocent faces and those sinewy, lithe bodies," he mused. "How could I ever harm such delightful little morsels...I mean, temples of God as these? Hey, sonny - want a Tootsie Roll?" Macbook American Idol

Left: Crime expert Breckenspleth

(Perrysburg, OH) Perrysburg resident Carl Breckenspleth, longtime television afficiando, said that his skills as a crime profiler have "dramatically increased" over the past few years.

"After many years of watching "CSI," "Profiler," and "Law and Order," I can pretty much figure out any crime," he said, interspersing his comments with channel-surfing. "I have honed my skills under the tutelage of such luminaries as Dr. Sam Waters [Profiler] and Detective Lennie Briscoe [Law and Order]."

Breckenspleth said that he can usually "nail the crook" within 5 minutes of the start of a crime drama.

"Sometimes I figure it out as soon as the camera pans on the character," he mused. "It's kind of scary - I'm like psychic or something."

His unique crime-profiling skills are not limited to television, added Breckenspleth.

"Take my neighbor, who just had his car stolen last week," he said. "I called up the police and told them they need to be looking for someone over 12 - little kids can't see over the steering wheel - and that it is probably someone who has no respect for the rule of law - since he stole the car. I'm pretty sure they appreciated my help, and that the criminal will be rounded up soon."

Perrysburg police refused to comment on the case, but a spokesman added that "serious tips are always welcome. I did say 'serious,' right?" Pentagon video Stephen Colbert

(Toledo, OH) The last member of the "rancid old guard" that occupied WSPD-1370 when Brian Wilson became program director has now been booted out, and the PD couldn't be happier.

Longtime news director Tom Watkins was the latest to hit the proverbial bricks. He follows the departure of hosts Denny Shaffer, Bob Frantz, and reporter Rob Wiercinski.

"I thought we would never get rid of those back-stabbing, chicken-eating ne'er-do-wells," sighed Wilson. "We now have a team in place who will join me wholeheartedly in the WSPD drive to the bottom."

Watkins, citing a confidential severance package, refused to comment on the change. He was overheard muttering something about "the Titanic" and "deck chairs" on the way to his car.

Wilson said that there may be a hidden motive for the changes and downward spiral of the station's ratings.

"Let's just say that a certain conglomerate might want to make a certain station look less profitable for tax purposes," he said. "I'm not saying that's the case with WSPD, but you never know. Maybe all that stinks is not necessarily a pile of dog crap."

Left: Garrity, the unrecognized virtuoso

(Toledo, OH) Kevin Garrity has been working at 7-Eleven for nearly 4 months. In that time he has, in his words, "far surpassed the usual expectations of incompetence" that go along with such entry-level work.

Garrity says that, despite his "obvious genius," he gets no respect from customers, his coworkers, or even his employer.

"I am 16 credits and a dissertation away from my PhD in early modern German Philosophy, yet you'd think I was just another lackey around here," he mused. "It is clear that the citizens of the world wouldn't know brilliance if it bit them on the proverbial ass."

Garrity said that his attempts "to bring an ounce of culture" to the 7-Eleven store in which he works have been fruitless.

"Whenever I change the radio station to jazz or classical music these illiterate Philistines act like I am performing surgery on them without anesthesia," he said, sipping a cup of cappucino. "When I suggested that we employees might start a book club on Thursday nights, not a single one of these simpletons signed up."

The unappreciated convenience clerk said that he was most surprised at the seeming lack of intelligent customers who might enjoy his acerbic wit or wealth of knowledge.

"You would think that - statistically speaking - the odds are favorable that a thoughtful customer would eventually pass through these doors," said Garrity. "The fact remains that every person with whom I have tried to discuss Kant's transcendental idealism and his moral philosophy on the autonomy of reason has given me the same stupid blank stare."

Left: Mikolajczyk "not impressed"

Garrity, who has held "five or six" similar positions in the last two years, said that he will continue to persevere in his efforts to bring enlightenment and heady discourse to 7-Eleven. The manager of the store, however, expressed a different view to Toledo Tales reporters.

"I have never met such a pompous ass as Kevin, and we get a lot of oddballs working here," said Ed Mikolajczyk. "If he wasn't the only body I have to throw in the place on midnights I would have shitcanned him weeks ago. All I ask is that he stocks the place before he leaves, and he gives me this "morality is rooted in human freedom and acting autonomously is to act according to rational moral principles" bullshit. Say, pal - interested in a second job?"

Left: Robinson no match for American Idol

(Toledo, OH) The jurors in the trial of Father Gerald Robinson, accused of killing a nun in 1980, told Toledo Tales that they reached such a quick verdict because they didn't want to miss any more "American Idol" episodes.

"This stupid case caused me to miss Chris Daughtry getting booted off the show," said juror Mandy Pollard. "There is no way I am going to miss any more of Idol, so I jumped in with the "guilty" crowd just to be done with it. Pretty much everyone else wanted to get back to Simon, Paula, and that black dude's crazy antics."

Three other jurors confirmed Pollard's assessment.

"My heart really goes out to that Katharine McPhee, who reminds me of myself in 8th grade choir," said Kerrie Finnegan. "I had a 2-line solo, and I totally screwed it up. I can't wait to see her fall down again on national TV. And Robinson - I got so tired of watching him nod off in court that I just didn't care any more. Guilt, not guilty - what's the difference?"

Most jurrors queried by Toledo Tales quickly turned from the details of the Robinson case to the intrigue behind last night's surprise exit of Daughtry.

"Old what's-his-face and the dead nun have nothing on the conspiracy to kill the one good singer on Idol - Chris Daughtry," said Jerry Briggs. "Chris got flat out robbed last night on American Idol, and that's the real crime we need to be investigating. How can such a great talent like Chris Daughtry get voted out in favor of those no-talent losers? Maybe if I hadn't been stuck on this Robinson case I could have made a couple dozen calls to vote for Chris. Maybe Robinson killed Chris Daughtry, too!"

A semi-regular feature at Toledo Tales

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)- While banking you ask the teller for a carton of Salem Lights. She is not amused.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)- You stand in front of the fake fireplace at Home Depot. When a sales clerk comes around, you ask for marshmallows.

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)-While in lecture at college you ask to introduce your invisible friend in the empty seat beside you. Be sure to get one extra copy of each handout.


Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)- You begin a new job at the grocery. You draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other employees that this is your personal space.

Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)-While visiting a friend's house you leave a note listing a website address. Set up a website and post a photo of yourself with a ski mask sitting on their toilet.

Leo (Jul 23- Aug 22) - You rifle through the medicine cabinet at a party and find an anti-viral shingles medication. ‘What the hell,’ you think, and wash a few down with some beer.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22) – You realize that you have on one beige and one black sock. You play it off smooth, arguing that this is all the rage in Poughkeepsie. No one is buying it, though.

Libra (Sept 23–Oct 22) – On the way to class, you see a sign that says “Stop.” ‘No way,’ you smile. ‘The man is not telling this cat how to live!’

Scorpio (Oct 23–Nov 21) -You re-label your all your Crayons to be politically correct. ‘Yellow’ becomes ‘Asian,’ and ‘Red’ becomes ‘Fucking Communist.’ Hey, we won the Cold War, right? USA! USA!

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21) While surfing for online porno at the library, you realize that some nine-year olds are looking over your shoulder. You tell them to beat it, and then smirk at the witty double entendre you have just created.

Capricorn (Dec 22–Jan 19) – You get on a crowded bus with a Tupperware container labeled ‘body parts.’ You hope someone will say: ‘Are those really body parts?’ whereupon you plan to chuckle and show them it’s only goulash. No one takes the bait, though.

Aquarius (Jan 20–Feb 18) – While receiving communion from the priest scream "BAD TOUCH!" Stephen Colbert

Left: Rebirth in death for Southwyck?

(Toledo, OH) Larry Dillin, developer of the Town Center at Levis Commons shopping center in Perrysburg, met with Toledo Tales reporters today to disclose details of his plans for redevelopment of the 59-acre Southwyck shopping center.

Called "Southwyck Memorial Gardens," the new center will feature a crematorium, two funeral homes, and room for up to 40,000 burial plots.

"We figured that, given Southwyck's reputation as a retail morgue, we would stick with exisiting public perceptions," said Dillin. "This will allow us to avoid spending hundreds of thousands of dollars in marketing campaigns."

Dillin, who is the president of Dillin Development Corp., said that he was excited about the potential in the new project.

"Let's face it - Toledo is a dying city, and the death business is one of the few growth sectors in the area," he said. "Turning the dead mall into a full-service "termination station" is just good business."

One of the most impotant features of the project, said Dillin, is the development of high-end mausoleums.

"Today's upscale dead people do not want just a 3' x 9' patch of turf and a chunk of marble over their heads," he said. "They've got to have a palace to mirror the 14,000 square foot suburban estate they worked themselves into a heart attack over. And we, at Dillin Development, are happy to take their cash." Porter Goss

By Toledo Tales contributor Feckless Freddie

Left: "Piper," a local weed man

(Toledo, OH) Local pharmaceuticals rep Piper said that the federal, state, and local governments need to get tough on immigration.

"These illegal immigrants represent a threat to our continued prosperity," he said, pausing to take a customer's order. "They undercut me by as much as 75%, and they will answer their cell phones 24 hours a day, although it's hard to understand what they are saying sometimes. But how can a guy make a profit if Pedro comes along and sells dime bags for half-price?"

Piper believes that Americans are misinformed about the effects of illegal immigration.

"Local weed men keep their money right here in Toledo," he said. "When Juan Gonzalez opens up shop, he ships our hard-earned weed dollars right back to Mexico to his 19 children."

Piper has designed a new ad campaign that he hopes will offset some of the losses to illegal immigrant dealers.

"We call it: "Buy American, Smoke Mexican," and it seems to resonate well with dopers," he said. "We are also working on similar campaigns for heroin and cocaine. Luckily, we have a domestic crystal meth industry that the Pepes of the world haven't cracked, but those meth-heads crash and burn way too fast, man. It's a volatile market." Porter Goss

Left: Knuckle-dragging oaf faces federal rap

(Toledo, OH) Federal prosecutors announced that charges have been filed against former Toledo city councilman Bob McCloskey.

Ann Rowland, an assistant U.S. attorney in Cleveland, said the FBI investigation focused on "acts of unparalleled stupidity" and "behavior more akin to apes than humans."

"We have prosecuted many such cases before, but McCloskey's is unique," she said. "Never before has the US Attorney's office come across someone so shockingly brazen and amazingly idiotic. I mean, how can someone already under indictment be so retarded as to take two bribes? It's a wonder this guy can even spell his name."

Rowland said that the depth of McCloskey's doltishness required investigators to use unusual interrogation techniques.

"We were forced to bring in a simian psychologist to communicate with Bob," she said. "Through a series of grunts and chest-thumpings, were able to gather a statement."

Left: A more appropriate sentence?

Prosecutors, said Rowland, are torn on possible punishment scenarios for McCloskey, who likely has struck a plea deal.

"There is one faction among us who wants to send Bob to a federal penitentiary," she said. "But a bunch of us in the office would rather see Bob set free in the wild, where he can among his own kind once again. Is it really fair to keep Bob penned up? He should be able to roam the savannah with other lowland gorillas." Stephen Colbert

Left: Louie faces the executioner

(Toledo, OH) The defeat of the Toledo Zoo's capital improvements levy yesterday spelled the rise of a different type of "capital" improvement, as tearful keepers paid their last respects to 3-year-old elephant Baby Louie.

"I thought that we were clear to the voters," sobbed Megan Judd, keeper for Louie since birth. "We told them that we would have to kill Louie if the levy failed, and they STILL voted it down. The voters of Lucas County are heartless bastards!"

Zoo director Anne Baker, leveling her 30:06 Remington, paused to talk with Toledo Tales reporters.

"Listen up, y'all - the voters have spoken," she said. "Now please excuse me while I bust some caps in this capital-consuming pile of lard."

After a volley of shots fired by the zoo director, expertly placed in the animal's skull and chest, Baby Louie collapsed in a heap.

"It had to be done," said Baker. "Now, if y'all don't want to see the same fate for the polar bears and gazelles, I suggest that you vote for the levy when it comes up again in November." stephen+colbert

(Toledo, OH) In its effort to recreate as closely as possible the environment of animals in the wild, the Toledo Zoo last week unveiled its "Poach-N-Gut" exhibit.

Visitors to the new zoo feature can choose from a wide variety of animals to hunt from behind the safety of protective fencing.

"One of the best features is the fact that the poaching patrons are positioned in front of the food," said Dr. Anne Baker, the zoo's executive director. "If the critters want to eat, they have to survive a barrage of 30:06 Springfield fire."

An added bonus, said Baker, is that visitors to the exhibit get to eviscerate their killed prey.

"Much of the excitement of poaching is gutting the dead beast," she said. "There is nothing quite like sticking your hand in the steaming entrails of a dying elephant in order to appreciate the circle of life."

The exhibit, which has an additional fee of $129 per visitor, is open year round.

"Winter times are the best, as those African savannah creatures have to shiver through the snow," Baker laughed. "Almost everyone bags a gazelle in January." Stephen COlbert