Toledo Tales

Guest editorial by Orel Johanssen, peanut lover

I don't know about you, but I sure love my peanuts. What really grinds my rear axle, though, are peanut-makers who pass off inferior goobers to the unsuspecting public. Man, there's nothing more disappointing than grabbing a handful of some lousy salted peanuts, only to get this stale nut with hardly any salt.

You don't get that with Planter's, though, because that Planter's guy makes one helluva salted peanut.

Yeah, maybe Mr. Peanut is just a cartoon character, with that crazy monocle and his top hat and cane, but you just gotta believe he's based on a real-life Mr. Peanut guy over at Planter's world headquarters, somebody who takes his nuts seriously and makes sure that only the highest quality cottonseed and peanut oils get used, and that highest-grade salt gets dumped on those tasty groundnuts.

And I would just bet that the real Mr. Peanut looks a lot like the cartoon Mr. Peanut, except he doesn't have a shell and all that. Sheesh - that would be sweet, though, wouldn't it? I mean, what if a guy had a brown husk-like pod on his outsides like Mr. Peanut? He'd sure be in for some wacky times at parties and such, wouldn't he? Can't you just imagine what kind of nutty fun that'd be, you know, if he put on a pair of those greaser shoes like Pee-Wee Herman and danced to "Tequila" on top of the bar, or if he found a pair of roller skates and started whizzing around the mall or something like one of those funny guys on the show Jackass?

That would be totally sweet, dude.

Left: It's more than just high-society style with Mr. Peanut

I have sampled many a peanut in my days, and hands down: Planter's kicks more peanut ass than any other brand of peanut.

Well, maybe "ass" is not horticulturally correct and all, since the word "ass" kind of suggests that peanuts are like people, which they clearly are not. They are a lot more like crabs or lobsters or walnuts or overcooked lasagna or macadamia nuts or clams or coconuts or any of those other kinds of foods that you have to crack open to get to the good parts.

But getting back to Mr. Peanut: not only is he the best peanut maker in the world, but he's kind of like a really decent guy, too, because in spite of all his money - you gotta have some serious cash to afford duds like he's got - you can tell he's a class act, the kind of person you wouldn't get all crazy about your sister dating, making you so frigging angry that you grab a shovel and chase the dude out of the house with Mom and Sis and Dad and the dogs all going frigging nutso when you smash his head with the heavy iron blade over and over outside on the front lawn that Daddy just mowed because he's just not right for her, goll-dangit, justnotright justnotright justnotright.

Yeah, that Mr. Peanut's a good guy, and he makes one helluva salted peanut.

Labels: Mr. Peanut, peanuts, salted peanuts

A Toledo Tales Guest Editorial
by Father Jon O’Brien

I hightailed it out of Mass and headed straight for the men's room, almost doubling over from the pain of this repressed flatulatory material. It started during the Gloria, and I managed to make it through the announcements before I thought I was about to burst.

And now here you are, dear parishioner, standing at the urinal like you are on a Sunday afternnon stroll through the park. Hurry, please hurry, lest the demon that lurks within my colon grabs you by the throat in a fatal choke-hold.

Jesus sweet Jesus I'm not sure I can hold this any longer but it's probably a sin for a priest to rip a bowel-emptying monster within the earshot and noseshot of every parishioner munching on a doughnut and sipping fresh coffee in the narthex and my God what will the children be thinking if they hear the priest blasting out a rectal trumpet and....

Oh! Blessed be! It was an eruption borne into the silent-but-deadly variety.

If you hurry, dear friend, the noxious fumes will dissipate before taking your life, and I will be able to point at you when the next person comes in, sharing a knowing smile to a fellow parishioner about your bowel troubles.

Yes, this too might be a sin, but God's glory is better served when the people believe their shepherds are not fart-filled thunderblasters.

Labels: farting, priests, Toledo

As Subcomandante Bob has previously mentioned, his beloved and estranged son Bob Jr. used to struggle in some of his academic skill areas, especially mathematics. One of the best moves Bob ever made was to link Bob Jr. with the math tutors at SCORE!, one of the nation's leading tutoring organizations.

After enrolling in the SCORE! tutroing programs, Bob Jr.'s skills showed marked improvement, and had Bob Sr. not been such a self-absorbed heel, Bob Jr. might now be enrolled in an Ivy League school getting an MBA or something, instead of being a brilliant-but-angst-ridden twenty-something.

Left: Breckenspleth gathering vital survival information

(Perrysburg, OH) Perrysburg resident Carl Breckenspleth, longtime television afficiando, said that his efforts watching episodes of the Discovery Channel program Man Vs. Wild have been "time well spent."

"I could be marooned on a desert island, lost in the Rockies, or stranded in a Costa Rican rain forest, and I would know exactly what to do," the confirmed couch potato enthused. "This is some really useful information."

The program documents the exploits of survival expert Bear Grylls as he faces harsh conditions with limited resources while finding his way back to civilization. Breckenspleth said that he has "kind of bonded" with the resourceful Grylls.

"There was a time when he was catching fish on that Pacific island when he looked at the camera, and I swear he was talking just to me," he said, grabbing a handful of Bugles from the bag. "And when he was stuck on Mount Kilauea, it reminded me an awful lot of the time my rear tire went out on I-475. Scary stuff, and I could have died out there."

Left: Bear Grylls, adventurer and TV pal of Breckenspleth

The Perrysburg native said that he hopes to spend more time outdoors, given the fact that he has made "quantum leaps" in his knowledge of nature through episodes of Man Vs. Wild and other survival programs.

"Let's face facts - people get killed out there," he said, chasing his snack with a Bud Light. "Bear Grylls said that a two-pound coconut falling 30 feet from a palm tree gets over a ton of momentum by the time it hits the ground. The old lady is after me to clean the gutters and all that, but you can bet your ass I am going to wait until my skill set has progressed before I get into some crazy outdoor shit like old Bear does. Hoo-ee!"

Labels: Bear Grylls, Man Vs. Wild, Perrysburg

by Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

Moran, in a rare moment of non-reading

(Toledo, OH) Theresa Moran has always been a voracious reader. But when she decided to become a full-time librarian with the Toledo-Lucas County Public Library three years ago, “something deep inside her” changed forever, as she now prefers the realm of fiction and fantasy to the drudgery of everyday life.

“It all started innocently, really,” Moran remarked while eyeing a worn first edition of The Hobbit. “I got sick of working as a bank teller, and thought I would take this job as a stepping stone. But here I am, three years later, reading 893 pages a day. I’m embarrassed to say this, but it’s gotten to the point where I even resent checking out books for patrons. I can’t help but think ‘hey, I might want to read that, you inconsiderate bandersnatch!’”

Indeed, Moran’s personal life and job performance have steadily declined as her daily quota of witches, ghouls, and faraway lands has soared.

“It got to the point last month where I just couldn’t take it anymore,” huffed former boyfriend Jon Aster, an insurance agent in the greater Toledo area. “I’d come up to the counter to surprise her with flowers, or an offer for dinner, and she’d just mumble and point to the card catalog like I was some baffled teenager who couldn’t use the Dewey decimal system. When she called me ‘Beowulf’ the last time we had sex, I knew it was over. Why can’t she just have a drug problem like a normal person?”

Labels: Beowulf, librarians, Toledo-Lucas County Public Library

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

Fleming’s Withered Hands at Work

(Toledo, OH)—Gerty Fleming, 75, a Toledo native, is a typical senior citizen: she likes decaffeinated coffee, crossword puzzles, and the early bird special at Bob Evans.

Despite her impressive vitality, however, Fleming refuses to make any purchase by cash or credit card, thus slowing the entire universe to a grinding halt every time she ventures into public.

“I was stuck behind her at Kroger last week, and almost beat myself to death with a cantaloupe,” remarked James Cafferty, a local mechanic. “I can deal with the coupons and the idle small talk, but Jesus — who writes a check for $16? She didn’t even know what store she was in.”

Fleming’s archaic method of payment has led to several altercations in recent weeks, but unfortunately she is determined to thwart the speed of modern consumerism.

“My husband James did two tours in Korea, and always paid by check,” Fleming boasted in an exclusive interview with Toledo Tales. “If that isn’t good enough for those Latinos and their precious fruit stand, than I’ll take my business elsewhere. I have my pride, you know.”

Labels: check writing, checks, senior citizens

Subcomandante Bob has been asked to write about
USA Network's Burn Notice, a new spy program that debuts on June 28. The setup is that respondents are supposed to put together a survival scenario should they ever find themselves as a burned CIA operative, just like Burn Notice's protagonist Michael Weston.

Unfortunately, Bob has tremendous real-life experience in this field, having served in revolutionary movements in Latin America during the 1980s before his next career as an accordion repairman who made house calls (don't ask).

In a moment's notice Bob has the ability to completely change his appearance and forge a new identity. There are at least 10 guys at the homeless shelter where Bob is staying who are experts in obtaining credit cards, personal information, and any other necessary items, like how to hide a body or how to remove the bruised parts off of fruit found in a dumpster.

Plus, Bob knows 172 different ways to kill an opponent without leaving DNA-carrying evidence behind.

But be sure to check out the new show Burn Notice on USA Network. It looks like a real hum-dinger, and Bob might be able to learn another cool way to make an intercontinental ballistic missile out of Corn Flakes and baby wipes.

(Toledo, OH) The University of Toledo enacted "sweeping changes" in the athletic department to assure compliance with NCAA rules and eliminate questionable handling of medications for athletes.

President Lloyd A. Jacobs took aim at the entire athletic department.

"What we’re trying to do is create a culture of compliance in this organization,” Dr. Jacobs said. "Why just last week I walked into the trainer's office and there were vials of Depo-Testosterone cypionate laying all over the goddamned place. Jesus. I'm telling you, this stuff should be locked up."

Jacobs was surprised to find a pair of prostitutes in the football locker room during a recent tour.

"I mean, I know a guy's got to get his groove on, but take that stuff in the parking lots like everyone else," he said, shaking his head. "Especially if you're going around with some meth-scarfing cum dumpsters. We all like to take a walk on the wild side, but why should I have to walk in on some skeletal wraith sucking a linebacker's Johnson like a buzzard on a dead kitten?"

Other areas of "improved administrative oversight" include gamblers desirous of fixing athletic scores.

"Flat out - players should never be consorting with point-shaving schemers," he said. "That stuff belongs in the alumni luxury boxes, and if there's anything left over, the players get a little sumpin-sumpin on Monday morning. That's the way it's always been, and why some of these ungrateful bastards have to mess with a good thing is beyond me."

Labels: Lloyd Jacobs, Toledo, University of Toledo

Subcomandante Bob just can't wait for the DVD release on June 19, 2007 of Reno 911! Miami The Movie, which is a hilarious spoof of all those goofy reality cop shows.

Now, you ought to be a fan of mock reality television, like Bob, to appreciate this film, which twists around every convention of reality television. Yes, it's completely mindless, but that is the point. Note: the film is definitely not for the kids, and it contains profanity, nudity, and all sorts of ribald stuff.

Bob's favorite character in the film is without a doubt the hot pants-wearing Lieutenant James "Jim" Ron Dangle, played by Tom Lennon. Lt. Dnagle's sexuality is always in question, and this running gag is played up in the film. There is definitely an effort to portray Lt. Dangle as gay, but there are enough question marks to keep fans guessing about the issue. In the end (pun intended) Lt. Dangle plays the comedic straight man who tries to keep the crazed public safety department running with some resemblance to a police force.

Yet even when Dangle loses his ultimate job offer in Aspen, Colorado, and the Aspen Sheriff's Department finds out Dangle is gay, there is a wild scene with Trudy grabbing his package that leaves you guessing.

Follow this link to a short trailer from Reno 911! Miami The Movie, which shows the morning briefing when the officers learn they will be attending the national police convention in Miami.

Reno 911! Miami The Movie is a very funny film, and Bob recommends it to everyone who is not easily offended. There are big laughs during the dream sequence with Dangle crashing the motorcycle, where Deputy Travis Junior finds out he was only dreaming. That's followed by the real-life crash of Dangle and Junior into a Porta-John.

Bob hopes that his agent lands him a role in the sequel to this very funny film. He plays a mean accordion, and there must be some way to find humor in accordions and Porta-Johns.

Guest editorial by
a Drunk Guy at the end of the bar

Sittin' over there like you fuckinknoweverthing and shit...

Dafuckyoulookinat?

Mmmmmpphhh... and shit...

Sure, sure, sure, SURE! You don't know nothing. NOTHING! Like I'd 'spect you to say different. And shit. Sittin' there, Mr. Laughin' Guy, thinks he's so funny and mmmpppphhh.

I may be drunk, but I'm not stupid. And shit. Don't think I don't know nothin' about nothin' and shit. Mmmmmppphhh. Mmmm-hmmmm, you're motherfuckin' A-1 straightup motherfucker 'n' shit.

Mr. Blue T-shirt, all tough guy, drinkin' his beer. And shit. Don't make go over there, I'll mmmppphhh.

Fucker.

Labels: drinking, drunks

Left: Crime expert Breckenspleth

(Perrysburg, OH) Perrysburg resident Carl Breckenspleth, longtime television afficiando, said that his skills as a crime profiler have "dramatically increased" over the past few years.

"After many years of watching "CSI," "Profiler," and "Law and Order," I can pretty much figure out any crime," he said, interspersing his comments with channel-surfing. "I have honed my skills under the tutelage of such luminaries as Dr. Sam Waters [Profiler] and Detective Lennie Briscoe [Law and Order]."

Breckenspleth said that he can usually "nail the crook" within 5 minutes of the start of a crime drama.

"Sometimes I figure it out as soon as the camera pans on the character," he mused. "It's kind of scary - I'm like psychic or something."

His unique crime-profiling skills are not limited to television, added Breckenspleth.

"Take my neighbor, who just had his car stolen last week," he said. "I called up the police and told them they need to be looking for someone over 12 - little kids can't see over the steering wheel - and that it is probably someone who has no respect for the rule of law - since he stole the car. I'm pretty sure they appreciated my help, and that the criminal will be rounded up soon."

Perrysburg police refused to comment on the case, but a spokesman added that "serious tips are always welcome. I did say 'serious,' right?"

Labels: crime, criminal profiling, Perrysburg, profiling

Subcomandante Bob just came across this hot bit of tech news, and he is running the press release verbatim:

The PayPerPost Revolution Accelerates, Sponsored Blogging Marketplace Secures $7 Million Series B

Draper Fisher Jurvetson leads round and joins Board of Directors

ORLANDO, FL – (June 12, 2007) – PayPerPost, the leading marketplace for advertisers to reach bloggers and other consumer content creators, today announced it has completed a $7 million second round investment led by Draper Fisher Jurvetson, an investor in the company's Series A and one of the world’s leading high-technology venture capital firms. The financing brings the total amount of capital raised by PayPerPost to over $10 million, giving the company considerable resources for further development as the industry’s leading Consumer Generated Advertising marketplace. Additional participants in the round include existing investors Inflexion Partners and Village Ventures as well as new investor DFJ Gotham. With this investment, DFJ Managing Director Josh Stein also joins PayPerPost’s Board of Directors.

“PayPerPost created this exciting new advertising space and has established itself as the industry leader,” said Ted Murphy, chief executive officer of PayPerPost. “Although we’ve only used a portion of our first round capital, this added support from investors unlocks significant growth potential. Our content creator and advertiser ROI metrics clearly demonstrate the upside for PayPerPost’s model. We intend to use this capital to build the infrastructure, visibility and professional expertise necessary to reach and retain a greater network of advertisers and content creators than ever before.”

Since its founding in June of 2006, PayPerPost has signed more than 6,500 advertisers to its groundbreaking service, which has enabled Consumer Content Creators to be compensated for their efforts discussing specific companies, products or services via blogs, videos or other media. The content creators are required to disclose relationships with advertisers on their blog, providing transparency for the end reader. Over 125,000 Internet postings, most in the form of blogs, have already earned money for their creators through PayPerPost’s innovative marketplace. PayPerPost recently released PayPerPost Direct, a disruptive new service that allows advertisers to contract and negotiate directly with individual bloggers they identify through a safe, managed system.

“PayPerPost has laid a strong foundation for the future,” noted Tim Draper, founder and managing director of Draper Fisher Jurvetson. “It continues to attract a critical mass of participants from both the advertising and blogging communities. Analogous to Overture’s sponsored search model, we believe PayPerPost’s business model holds disruptive potential and will enable the company to thrive in the evolving paid-content arena.”

To mark the $7 million dollar funding, PayPerPost has launched a new website detailing the company’s service offering at http://www.payperpost.com. Bloggers and advertisers can easily sign up at the site and begin leveraging the self service marketplace.

This new investment capital means that investors are pleased with the first-year results of this startup, and that future growth is definitely in the offing for PayPerPost. Companies, as you know, generally do not receivenew funding unless their business model shows promising results.

PayPerPost definitely offers bloggers the most ways to earn money and connect with prospective advertisers. Their new program, PPP Direct, might just revolutionize the process, as advertisers can target specific websites that they believe will help them reach a desired demographic.

The support team at PPP rocks, and they blow away their competitors at other third-party ad firms. When Bob has had occasion to contact PPP, his questions have been answered in a timely fashion, and even when his messages have wound up in a queue, PPP at least provided an idea of where you are in the line.

PPP also does more to promote the blogs of its Posties than the other third-party ad firms. Bob's websites have benefited from the increased exposure and links, and the networking possibilities of being a Postie are an decided plus when considering whether or not to join the program.

If Bob had two nickels, he'd be investing in PayPerPost, that's for sure. As it is, though, Bob is quite happy to get paid to blog with PayPerPost. They rock!

Guest editorial by Karl Draheim, Toledo resident

Listen - I know that you aren't from around here, and that you don't know how things work in Toledo. I heard you whining about the heat, about how muggy and hot and nasty it is today, and I need to let you in on something.

You know what they say about Toledo weather: If you don't like it, FUCK YOU!

Yeah, you heard me. Fuck you. Fuck you, fuck the horse you rode in on, fuck your mother, fuck everything. We don't need your kind around here, and it's best if you go fuck yourself, too.

Don't like what I have to say? Just ask around; almost anyone you meet will tell you to go take a flying fuck on a pogo stick, mister. We've just about had enough of your Little Lord Fauntleroy act, let me tell you.

The weather in Toledo will make a man out of you, that's for sure. Why, my daddy used to beat us with those orange Hot Wheels tracks and make us stand outside barefoot in the snow until midnight just because his bowling ball had a scratch on it and how was I supposed to know that was his good ball and can we please come in now daddy because Mark's toes are blue and we promise we'll never roll your bowling ball on our toboggan hill any more promise promise promise!

What's that? Umbrellas? Aisle six, next to the rain ponchos you pasty-faced fuck. Now get out of here!

Labels: fuck you, Toledo, weather

(Sylvania, OH) The eager look on the face of four-year-old Jacob Neary as he presented his latest artistic creation to his father Mark was "kind of touching, in a feeble-mided kind of way," reported the elder Neary.

"Sure. It was a nice moment, kind of like when the dog licks your hand," muttered Neary. "But when the product of your loins hands you an imbecilic piece of scribble so bad it makes Ishtar look like Oscar material, it's kind of hard to dish out the praise."

For a moment, said Neary, he thought his son was playing a joke on him.

"Surely this is the best example of a painting so passe, so obviously stilted with its bad lighting and red stick-people motif, that it's intentionally hilarious," he recalled, fists clenching as he spoke. "I laughed so much during when he showed it to me I had to stop, because I almost had an asthma attack. Then I realized the little shit actually intended to make this abomination. Good fucking God!"

Neary added that he intends to seek professional help for his son.

"Pretty basically, we're going to head this retardation shit off before it infects the rest of him," he said. "Maybe he can wind up being a dog-walker or something. We just have to keep him away from the Crayons, and take this one day at a time. Oh, and beat the hell out of him if he pulls any crazy-ass stunts like this 'Stick Figure' nonsense."

Labels: child's drawings, kid art, stick figures

(Sylvania, OH) Phillip Obertacz has seen many things in his 84 years on this planet, but there is at least one item that has eluded him.

"I want my goddamn 15 minutes of fame," he told Toledo Tales reporters yesterday. "Every other Tom, Dick, and Paris got theirs. Where the hell is my 15 minutes? That's what I want to know. But you want to know something else? That cancer is a killer. My uncle Bobo had five operations. Didn't do a damn thing for him. If they tell you that you have cancer, pal, you might as well pack your bags. In fact, I've got mine packed already, although do you think somebody would help an old man with these suitcases? Nope."

Obertacz said that the closest he ever came to his 15 minutes of fame occurred in 1977.

"I was living in Queens, and my flat was a block away from where that crazy Son of Sam shooter killed some poor girl," he said, pouring hot water into a tea cup. "Had I been outside that night, I might have stopped that lunatic sonofabitch from killing her, and been a hero. I was still pretty quick on my feet back then, and knew my way around a gym, yes sir. Why, I once held the chin-ups record at PS 121, what they used to call the Throop School. 114 chin-ups, and not those bent arm deals, but real chin-ups. But did anyone from the Times ever call me? Nope."

Obertacz in a 1938 photo, back when fame was not an elusive, fickle vixen

Unfortunately, said Obertacz, his options for attaining fame are dwindling.

"I had a colostomy done back in 1996 because my bowels were not functioning without the use of strong laxatives. Turns out I had a tumor the size of a goddamn grapefruit," said the retired ironworker, sipping his tea. "So the clock's ticking here. When I lived in Brooklyn I was in a brownstone, in a room on the third floor, for $25 a week. Twenty-five dollars. Imagine that! These days you can't even get a cheap hooker for that kind of money, and then she gets all nervous and shrieking about the colostomy bag. Listen, Fame? Hurry your ass up - that's all I gotta say."

Labels: old folks, old men, retiree, Thorp School

Subcomandante Bob is looking forward to the release of the new Police CD. This is a compliation disc of 28 of the band's most memorable songs, also marks the start of a new worldwide reunion tour.

Bob knows that he is no longer welcome at Police shows, mostly due to a strange incident involving Bob, a couple of Indonesian hookers, and a jar of Hellman's mustard. Don't ask.

The music of The Police, however, is sort of the soundtrack to Subcomandante Bob's misspent youth. The new Police CD includes one of Bob's favorite songs by the band, "Every Breath You Take." In a way, the song mirrors Bob's on-again, off-again relationship with Cameron Diaz, who could not handle Bob's mercurial ways and left him.

Bob, of course, has never been one to understand just exactly what "get away from me, you creep" really means, and "Every Breath You Take" can be interpreted as Bob's attempt to persuade Cameron Diaz that she really belongs with him, despite his proclivity for passing out on the front lawn.

Parallels with Bob's twisted life aside, The Police have long been recognized as musical pioneers with a unique sound. More importantly, their music continues to influence modern musicians in ways that other 1980s bands - like, say, A Flock of Seagulls or Kajagoogoo - could never dream of.

Bob plans to pick up a copy of this two-disc set just as soon as he panhandles enough cash for the collection, and as soon as fellow mission resident Mookie returns his CD player, which he thinks he left in the back of the 1984 Honda of this chick named Miranda he met at a bar.

(Toledo, OH) Karl Enright first notice problems with his 1988 Dodge Shadow about "six months ago, give or take."

"I started hearing this kind of whickety-whackety noise, like you might hear if a handful of screws landed in your foo-foo drink maker," he recalled. "I figured it was either the transmission dumaflachi or the exhaust thingamabobber, but damned if it wasn't either one - it was some electronic gizmo."

A friend who is a backyard mechanic pointed Enright toward the eventual solution to his problem.

"He said to check out that doodad that controls the flow of the dojigger next to the fuel grapplegrommet," he said. "And I'll be damned! I would have bet five bucks it was the whatchamahooey on top of the injector whatsis. I swear, you could have knocked me over with a feather."

Labels: Doohickey, Thingamajig, Toledo

Subcomandante Bob knows that many of you website owners are struggling to make a buck, and he wants to pass along some information about The News Room, which is a news service that provides access to hundreds of thousands of fully licensed news stories that can be published, mashed, or embedded on your site.

With The News Room, you can make money via advertising share, and CPM starts at $1. So every time someone views the embedded video you provide, you get paid hard cold cash. Is that sweetness, or what?

As an example, Bob found this news video that he embedded from The News Room:



With The News Room you can put relevant, timely news on your site, while earning valuable prizes. Signing up with The News Room is easy and free, and embedding the videos is so simple even Bob could figure it out. There are thousands of news clips from which to choose, and the list grows every day.

If you, like Bob, are a website publisher or blogger who wants to earn money by embedding quality news on your site, just join The News Room and start mashing today. When you use the mash button to embed a news story or a news feed (with advertising) onto your website or blog, you start cash right away. This is a win-win deal for bloggers who want high quality content to enhance the stories on their sites, as well as for bloggers like Bob who are trying to turn a profit.

Bob is totally fired up about ebedding News Room video on his sites, and he urges you to check out the above links to learn more about The News Room.

(Toledo, OH) "Learning to love yourself - is the greatest love of all."

So sang Janice Rosenbaum last Friday at Mug Shots on Summit Street, voice cracking at the highest notes sung by Whitney Houston.

A long-time patron at the bar, however, failed to share Rosenbaum's enthusiasm for the song, originally written by George Benson.

"If I said to most of the people who sang karaoke, 'Good job, awesome, well done,' it would have made me actually look and feel ridiculous," said Brad Perryman of Sylvania. "It's quite obvious most of the people - especially this chick - who turned up tonight are hopeless."

Perryman said that there were historic parallels for the performance.

"If she would be singing like this two thousand years ago, people would have stoned her," he said. "The end of the animal trade would leave more time to trap or beat to death pop star wannabes like this horrid creature."

Perryman, who admits to having "difficulty maintaining a relationship," said that Rosenbaum's performance was among the worst he has ever seen at Mug Shot's.

"My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't," he said to a crying Rosenbaum. "You have to have a talent to progress it. I don't believe Janice has a singing talent. She's completely wasting our time."

Bar manager Jason Stanford agreed.

"Look - I'm sorry she got shouted down, but she's going to kill our business," he said. "When someone is that bad, or sings such a hackneyed song, they are not funny. They just suck."

Labels: karaoke, Toledo