Toledo Tales

(Toledo, OH) The National Socialist Movement (NSM) released kidnapped editor Subcomandante Bob in exchange for a ransom purported to total $14.57.

"This vile piece of Jew jetsam has been nothing but trouble ever since we grabbed him," said NSM spokesperson Mark Martin, of the Dayton, OH NSM unit. "The fucker eats like it's his full-time job, and he hogs the TV remote. Good riddance, I say."

Subcomandante Bob, editor of the e-zines Codependent Collegian, Toledo Tales, and National Nitwit, was captured by members of the neo-Nazi group National Socialist Movement (NSM) Saturday at an undisclosed Toledo-area mental institution.

Speaking to supporters, he thanked those who "generously gave" funds toward his release.

"OK, there were seven of you, and that only averages about two bucks," he said. "But it's the spirit that counts."

The deranged editor chastised the other readers of the e-zines for their unwillingness to part with ransom cash.

"Yeah, you come onto the sites and get a free chuckle," he said. "But when the chips were down, only a few of you would come through. Guess it's good to know who your friends are, even if most of them are imaginary."

(Toledo, OH) Despite pleas from two, and possibly three, Toledoans, members of the neo-Nazi group NSM (National Socialist Movement) continued to hold e-zine editor Subcomandante Bob hostage.

"This rotten Jew scum has spread enough lies about our pure Aryan social fraternity," said NSM rep Mark Martin, of Dayton, OH. "Besides, we have nothing better to do until the History Channel runs "Hitler Week" again."

Subcomandante Bob, editor of the e-zines Codependent Collegian, Toledo Tales, and National Nitwit, was captured by members of the neo-Nazi group National Socialist Movement (NSM) Saturday at an undisclosed Toledo-area mental institution. The enigmatic editor had been hospitalized for exhaustion and other unspecified ailments.

Billy Pilgrim, rogue editor of the e-zines, said that $11.77 has been collected in cash and pledges toward the ransom.

"It's getting a little better, but I gotta believe that Bob has eaten at least that much of NSM's food supplies," said Pilgrim, clutching a coffee can with the ransom fund. "If you want to see Bob alive again - and at least half of the staff here does - you had better cough up some green."

Terms of the ransom have not been made public, but at least one area law enforcement source said that NSM hopes to get "whatever they can for Bob's worthless carcass."

"OK, so he's got some websites," said one police source. "My 10-year old has got three blogs. How can NSM expect to extort any money from this demented idiot and his handful of readers?"

Left: possible suspects in the kidnapping of Subcomandante Bob

(Toledo, OH) Subcomandante Bob, editor of the e-zines Codependent Collegian, Toledo Tales, and National Nitwit, was captured by members of the neo-Nazi group National Socialist Movement (NSM) today.

Terms of the kidnapping were not available at the time of this post, but Subcomandante Bob said in a telephone interview that "somebody better get these fascist bastards what they want before I get medieval on them."

A spokesperson for the group said that the action was taken by NSM in rseponse to a series of "vicious lies" in the guise of satire.

"This dirty Jew bastard is gonna pay," said the unnamed NSM rep.

A collection taken by Billy Pilgrim, rogue editor of the e-zines, netted $3.84 toward the ransom.

"Hey, it's all we had left after beer and Doritos," said Pilgrim. "And let's face it - Bob ain't exactly Patty Hearst, if you know what I mean."

(Toledo, OH) E-zine editor and mental patient Subcomandante Bob admitted under duress today that he, too, has links to embattled coin dealer Tom Noe.

"In 1999 I was desperately searching for a mint condition TY Billionaire Bear," Bob said from his locked room at an undisclosed institution. "I went into Vintage Coins and Cards, and there it was."

The Thorazine-infused editor continued.

"Tom Noe came up to the counter and said - I'll never forget this - 'Can I help you?'" he effused. "I was awestruck and dumbfounded; I could only stammer out 'bi-llion-aire bear.'"

Pausing to swat at imaginary bugs, Subcomandante Bob returned to his narrative.

"Mr. Noe said he would make me a deal," he said, looking down. "Yes, I am sure that the only way he could knock $50 off the price of that Billionaire Bear was by using state worker's comp premium monies. Yes, I too am a vulture in the culture of corruption."

Subcomandante Bob, editor of the e-zines National Nitwit, Toledo Tales, and Codependent Collegian, spoke out today about his stay at an unnamed mental institution.

"Whoa, this place is like a prison camp," he said. "I thought I would be able to lounge around and sleep 18 hours a day, but they crack the whip on you here."

The demented editor said that the hospital's nurses have him pining once again for his freedom.

"These women are ten times scarier than those NSM goofballs," he said, showing off arm bruises from less-than-gentle syringe sticks. "The last one in here poked me fourteen times on my IV."

Bob added that he thought he saw some neo-Nazis on the grounds of the facility.

"The nurses were quick to adjust my Thorazine," he said. "What the hell was I thinking? You know I must have been hallucinating to have been seeing brown shirted NSM members in Northwest Ohio."

(Toledo, OH) Walt Pryzmierski, a North Toledo resident who protested the appearance of Bill White and other National Socialist Movement (NSM) operatives, and who also is an avid hunter, said that he has been "unable to locate any of those Nazi varmints."

Pryzmierski, 81, said that he and his hounds have been attempting to track the presence of neo-Nazis, but their efforts have so far been futile.

"Can't see hide nor hair of 'em in Northwest Ohio," he said, spitting out a wad of tobacco. "Beginning to think that there just ain't any to be found."

Pryzmierski said that media hype of the existence of Nazis in Northwest Ohio was largely to blame for the rumor.

"Nazis have a particular odor, something of a cross between a skunk and a dead fish," he said. "Believe me, if there were Nazis around, both me and my dogs would be smelling their stench."

The experienced hunter believes, if there are any Nazis in Toledo, that they are "holed up someplace."

"My guess is that they are hiding out in a tattoo parlor or something," he said. "That tattoo ink messes with the dogs' sense of smell."

(Toledo, OH) Subcomandante Bob, editor of such e-zines as the National Nitwit, Toledo Tales, and the Codependent Collegian, announced today that he admitted himself to an undisclosed mental facility.

"I have reached the point of exhaustion with these stupid Nazis," he said, referring to the group National Socialist Movement (NSM), who recently ignited a riot in Toledo's North End. "I have covered these idiots from every possible angle, and this has drained me to the point where I can no longer tie my shoes."

The enigmatic writer and editor, whose work has been featured, well, in not very many places, said that he will continue to keep the satire sites functioning during his in-patient stay.

"Yeah, it may be a little difficult typing with these restraints on, but I will never let down my audience," he said. "Also, Thorazine tends to blur your thinking, so you'll have to excuse me if I.................................nod off."

Bob, whose last name is an irreproducible sound, said that he is looking forward to the stay.

"It will be great having people wipe drool and half-eaten food from my face," he said. "Usually I have to let that stuff harden and then peel it off."

(Toledo, OH) Both of the members of Toledo's National Socialist Movement (NSM) unit said that the "smart and sexy" uniforms were the reason they joined the group.

"Well, it came down to the leather pants," said Jason Nicholsen of Toledo. "They really make my ass look delectable."

Fellow Nazi Joshua Bannister, also of Toledo, agreed with Nicholsen.

"Ooooh - it IS a sexy tush," he said, giving Nicholsen a quick goose. "And that leather cap really makes you look, well, IN CHARGE."

Both men downplayed ideology in their choice of organizations.

"Look - some of the se NSM boys are, well, kind of racist," said Bannister. "But get them alone in the bathtub with some wine and candles, and they're just like you and me."


Nicholsen agreed.

"They cut out all that supremacists stuff once you get them alone," he said. "They really just want a firm hand to spank them and tell them how naughty they have been."

(Toledo, OH) A poll of Toledoans shows that 93% of city residents hope that "gangs kick the ever-living shit out of NSM" should the neo-Nazi group return.

Poll respondents also overwhelmingly agreed with the statement that NSM "will likely be slaughtered" should they attempt to stage a rally without police protection.

Toledo bookie Phillip Kozlowski spoke to Toledo Tales about his predictions in a rematch.

"Look, it wouldn't even be close - the Nazis just can't bring enough people to the rallies," he said. "Besides, most of the Nazis were out of shape and kind of wimpy-looking. I wouldn't give 'em five minutes against a hostile crowd."

Kozlowski added that his efforts to handicap a rematch were hampered by what he called the "chickenshit" nature of NSM.

"You know, they turn tail and run when they don't have a couple hundred cops to hide behind," he said. "If the cops don't show, I guarantee you it will be a bloodbath for NSM."

(Toledo, OH) Despite freshly-pressed uniforms and shiny boots, members of the National Socialist Movement (NSM) apparently did not fare well in Toledo bars during their visit last week.

Shawna Wilson, 22, of Toledo said that several NSM mambers sat down at a table in Bijou's Saturday night.

"They were all like: 'So, do you Aryan babes come here often,'" she said. "And we were all like: 'What? We don't know anyone named Ariel.'"

Wilson said that she and her friends thought at first that the neo-Nazi bar hoppers were "like Marines, or something," but that they soon found out about Nazi politics.

"They were, like, so totally a bunch of racist pigs," she said. "The one named Mark really needs to do something about the whole bad teeth thingy, too."

Wilson said that the NSM members did not seem to take hints well.

"We were all like: 'Umm...our like, boyfriends are meeting us,' but they wouldn't leave," she said. "We finally told them we were bi-racial, and they got up and left. What a bunch of dorks."

Left: train station in Deshler, OH

(Deshler, OH) Frustrated by their attempts to stage a rally, National Socialist Movement (NSM) spokesperson Bill White said the group will next taget the northern Ohio village of Deshler.

"We hear that there is a significant gang problem here," said White. "Plus, since the population is only 1846, chances are we won't get booted out of town so easily like Toledo."

White says the village bosts two gangs.

"We hear this bunch called the Moose Lodge is particularly nasty," he said. "Also, these degenerates called the Elks are supposed to be a tough bunch."

Local resident Elmer Gehrenhoffer is skeptical.

"Who did you say they were? N-S-M?" he asked. "Nope. Never heard of 'em. Are they with the Ag Bureau?"

Alleged escape route of Nazis

Walt Pryzmierski, a North Toledo resident who protested the appearance of Bill White and other National Socialist Movement (NSM) operatives, says he thinks he has located the Nazis after their quick exit from Wilson Park on Saturday.

"One minute they were railing about the blacks and Jews, and the next minute I saw them slink off into this hole," he said. "I've been guarding it with my rifle for two days, but I haven't seen them peek out yet."

Pryzmierski, 81, said that he and his hounds tracked the "varmints" to the hole using bits of dicarded clothing.

"We found some shiny leather boots and swatstika patches near the pool," he said. "My dogs have been chasing skunks all summer, so it was short work for them to root the Nazis out."
Pryzmierski and dog

The elderly hunter is bound and determined to wait out his prey.

"I got nothing else to do," he said. "I didn't fight in WWII to come home and have these bastards cause a riot here, and besides, I just didn't like the way the little weasels sat there and laughed about the trouble they caused."

He added: "If they show their little snouts again, I'm going to give them a little .22 caliber love."

Local gangstas posing

(Toledo, OH) Residents of Bronson Avenue, already reeling from the arrival of the Dexter Boyz in early July and the riot after a neo-Nazi rally Saturday, received more bad news today.

Calling themselves the “Webeloes,” a tough-looking bunch of delinquents marched down the street, sending neighborhood dogs into frenzy.

“I looked out my window and realized it was time to move,” said Edna Greenbaum, who has lived on the street for 30 years. “Just look at those hooligans!”

Neighbor Sheldon Thompson agreed.

“They run in here talking about selling ‘candy,’” he said. “The police don’t do anything. These drug dealers have complete control of this city.”

“Jay B,” leader of the Dexter Boyz, said the new gang had better be careful.

“They think they bad? We’ll show them who’s motherfucking bad,” he said. “My 9mm gonna show them and their bitch-ass merit badges.”

Toledo Police chief Mike Navarre said that the gang force task unit will be reinstated to meet the new threat.

“We have zero tolerance for lawless gang-bangers,” he said. “This criminal crew is going down. Hard.”

Left: Subcomandante Bob, feeling depressed about Toledo

(Toledo, OH) The editor of a satirical website in Toledo decried the "absolute dearth" of anything worth parodying today.

"This totally sucks," said Subcomandante Bob, kicking a tin can in his backyard. "It might be days before someone does something stupid and hilarious enough to get people laughing again."

The editor likened this current drought to the humorless weeks after the 9/11 attacks.

"Nobody cracked a joke for like, three weeks," he said. "Even the hardcore leftists wanted to bomb the ever-living shit out of something."

Bob said that he had no predictions on how long the mourning period will last.

"This could go on for some time," he said. "I may have to get a job bussing tables or something until the humor business picks up again."

The eighth segment in continuous live coverage of Nazifest 2005

(Toledo, OH) Bill White and his National Socialist Movement were in furious preparation for the group's Toledo performance on Saturday.

"OK people, from the top: it's step, kick, step, KICK! Oh my God, you drag queens have no talent," he cried. "We are SO going to look like a bunch of amateur repertory skanks!"

The lithe young musical director frantically paced the floor, hoping his NSM troupe would be able to pull off "Springtime For Hitler" in this Midwestern town.

"I swear there is not an ounce of talent in that cute little ass, Hans," said White. "You are SO going to get it tonight, handsome!"

White said that the last-minute details were beginning to wear on him.

"I am, like, so TOTALLY exhausted," he effused. "I was ready to slit my wrists last night, but that boy-toy Jason told me that it would mean a closed coffin, and I am definitely going out in a pale purple chiffon dress, so that ended that."

The chatty director remained resolute in getting his dancers up to speed.

"I am not giving up on you little bitches just yet," he said, smoothing a wrinkle out of his brown Nehru jacket. "We are going to make this little party HAPPEN!"

The seventh segment in continuous live coverage of Nazifest 2005

(Toledo, OH) The brother of NSM leader Bill White announced the creation of a new pest control spray.

Called "Jew-Away," the product is designed to emit a pheromone scientifically designed to repel people of Jewish ancestry.

"The test results been real good so far," said the product's creator, Notall White. "Ain't seen a Jew since I started spraying this on me."

White believes that the product's price - $4.99 for a 2-ounce bottle - makes it an easy sell.

"Even if the shit don't exactly work, it's still got a mighty nice smell," he said. "Besides, it ain't gonna break the old bank, if you know what I mean."

Jew-Away has an odor suspiciously akin to cherry-scented car freshener, but White insists that "lots of money been spent on what you call your R and D."

"Hey...wait, I forgot what I was gonna say...oh yeah, it's a great product and all," he said. "My brother Bill says I can tag along and sell some at the rallies, long as I tell everyone my name is Matt Hale. He says ever salesman's gotta have a salesman's name."

The sixth segment in continuous live coverage of Nazifest 2005

(Toledo, OH) In an interview with Toledo Tales, the father of National Socialist Movement commander Bill White spoke out for the first time about his son.

"We just don't know where we went wrong," said Melvin White, 67. "He always had the best of everything, but he has turned his back on his family and his people."

The elder White said that he began to "notice a change" in Bill when the Nazi leader was a teenager.

"He stopped socializing with us at about 14, but we figured it was just a phase," he said. "It really hurts when I have to introduce him to friends as my 'mother-fucking, piece-of-shit, racist son.'"

Melvin White looked down.

"I worry that there is never going to be atime when we will patch things up," he said. "Son, please come home."

The fifth segment in continuous live coverage of Nazifest 2005

(Toledo, OH) A group of local dogs has banded together to protest what one described as "really sick generalizations."

"Look, just because we are German shepherds does not mean we are Nazis," said "Rufus," a 7-year old canine, as he scratched his ear. "We had just nicely got over all that Stalag 17 bullshit, and then Bill White brings his Nazi pals to town. We just can't catch a break."

"Rex," a 4-year old shepherd, said that the arrival of the Nazis is "like a bad dream."

"My owners have been looking at me weird all week," he said. "I saw them whispering the other day, and I couldn't help thinking that they were convinced I was a Nazi. If Bill White were here right now, I would bite his fucking leg."

"Wilma," a tan-colored shepherd, said that the Nazi rally has had additional repercussions.

"We have a black mailman," she said, " and now when I bark he thinks it's a racial thing. Oh - by the way - do you have any doggie treats? Huh? Huh? I know you do! Aw, come one - can I PLEASE have one? Huh?"

The fourth segment in continuous live coverage of Nazifest 2005

Left: Henderson speaks out

(Toledo, OH) Kayla Henderson says she tends to be "apolitical," but after serving members of a neo-Nazi reconnaissance group at a local Big Boy restaurant, she said she knows one group she would never vote for.

"Oh my God, these were just about the worst customers who have ever sat in my section," she said. "They ran my ass off for extra froth in their little lattes, and left me a $3 tip on a $60 check."

Members of the National Socialist Movement are in Toledo this week, scouting both parade routes and anti-Nazi protesters. Henderson said that the neo-Nazis gave her a lot of grief.

"One of them said I looked too Semitic, and wanted someone else to bring his food," she said. "So I sent out Anna, who is Mexican. That really pissed him off."

NSM operative Mark Martin, who needs lots of froth in his latte

Henderson said that the group mostly discussed the upcoming rally.

"They were arguing among themselves whether they should use a red background with black letters or a black background with red letters," she said. "A couple of them sounded like the guys on 'Queer Eye,' but when I would get near the table they would go all tough on me again. What a bunch of assholes."

Henderson did have one positive word for the NSM group.

"Unlike some guys, they were not grabbing my butt," she said. "However, they were really trying to hit on Manuel the busser all night. I think they thought they had it working until Manny said he was going to cut their fucking throats if they didn't knock it off. Go figure."

The third segment in continuous live coverage of Nazifest 2005

Left: group gets ready to welcome NSM

(Toledo, OH) Residents on Bronson and Dexter Streets began to prepare for the arrival of the neo-Nazi group National Socialist Movement (NSM) today.

Civic groups formed an ad hoc committee to handle preparations for the festivities.

"We are so looking forward to the arrival of our out-of-town guests," said Sheldon Jackson, spokesperson for the committee. "We are just starting to bake some cookies and cupcakes for our friends."

Jackson said that the group was thinking of decorating the parade route.

"Oh my, we want to get some red-and-black bunting, and some of those frilly papier mache swastikas," he said. "We may also be able to get a marching band to play 'Horst Wessel Lied.'"

The group's main purpose, said Jackson, was to ensure the health and safety of their guests.

"We want to put Toledo in the best possible light," he said. "We want the world to know what a first-class tourist destination Toledo is. Oh, and we also want to bust a 9 mm cap in every single one of their racist asses, too."

Left: felled ash trees - fuel for the poor

(Toledo, OH) With winter heating costs expected to jump this year, relief was approved by the Legislature yesterday for impoverished Ohioans.

The state is making available felled ash trees for the poor to burn in lieu of natural gas or heating oil.

"We figured, hey, let's kill two birds with one stone," said Jon Husted (R), Speaker of the House. "We shouldn't let a few bugs get in the way of good fuel, right? Besides, those people are used to living with insects around 'em."

Husted said that, given the state's budget crisis, little more could be done for the poor.

"Look, it was either that or watch them freeze," he said. "Nothing like a bunch of frozen seniors to get the voters poking their noses where they don't belong, like in Columbus."

The Speaker scoffed at suggestions that the plan might reintroduce the emerald ash borer.

"The ash tree is gone, man, gone," he said. "It's just a matter of time before the whole damn state is a stickless prairie anyway. If we burn a billion ash trees over the next ten years, we can cut our dependence on foreign oil as well as our subsidies to the poor. It's win-freaking-win, baby!"

The first segment in continuous live coverage of Nazifest 2005

(Toledo, OH) Members of the local gang Dexter Boyz met with Toledo Tales to express incredulity that a neo-Nazi group would venture into their neighborhood.

"Frankly, sir, I take offense at your suggestion that we are engaging in "gang" activity," said Sheldon Jackson, a spokesperson for the group. "Our society is primarily a fraternal organization designed to promote solidarity and the education of our members."

The National Socialist Movement plans to stage a rally on Dexter Street on October 15 to "bring in local National Socialists from Toledo and the surrounding area in Michigan and Ohio to demonstrate in favor of the National Socialist cause."

Jackson said that claims by the neo-Nazi group are overblown.

"Primarily we serve to fill certain social and familial needs among group members that traditional structures have not provided," he said, checking a 9mm clip for its readiness. "Many of our group have been neglected by their home and community support systems, and turn to a non-traditional form of social organization as a means of survival."

Jackson then began to laugh hysterically.

"I'm sorry man, I can't keep this academic shit up any more," he gasped. "Fuck it. You know if these Nazi motherfuckers actually show up, we gonna bust so many caps in their dumb asses that they will be splattered all over Dexter."

Left: E.coli - nothing to be alarmed about, dammit

(Columbus, OH) Despite 14 confirmed cases of E. coli illnesses and one related death in Toledo, state health department officials remained upbeat today.

"The key to this is there's really no public health threat. The outbreak appears over, and we don't believe there's any new transmission," said Kristopher Weiss, a representative at the Ohio Department of Health. "Besides, can't we all use a little intestinal purging now and then?"

Weiss said that Toledoans need not fear further outbreaks.

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, plus terrorists," he said. "You ninnies in Toledo need to find something better to do with your time."

Weiss said that E. coli is "really overrated" as an infectious agent.

"Now, smallpox, that's a real killer," he said. "Wouldn't you rather get worried about that? Come on, man, smallpox scares the shit out of me. Oh, and pay no attention to the man standing behind the curtain."

A new state law allows health officials to withhold the name of businesses being investigated. Dr. David Grossman, commissioner for the Toledo-Lucas County Health Department, said state officials believe a catering company in Toledo is the ultimate source of the outbreak.

"Man, I really want to tell you who it is, but I can't," said Grossman, etching letters into the ground outside the county health department. "I'm GLAD YOU all came out today to see us."

(Toledo, OH) A Toledo Tales investigation has revealed that Tom and Bernadette Noe - the foci of state investigations in the Coingate saga - made numerous personal expenditures on the days that checks were cashed by Tom's Vintage Coins business.

Among the thousands of financial documents: a Kroger receipt in the amount of $32.47 dated July 20, 2002, the day a $5,400 check was cashed by Vintage Coins and Cards.

Ohio state auditor Jim Petro confirmed the findings of Toledo Tales.

“We think that as we go through more and more of the transaction records, March 31, 1998, until May 24, 2005 I think we’re going to find more instances where assets could have been converted or abused in one way or another,” Mr. Petro said to a Toledo Blade reporter. "You will even see Bernadette using money - real cash - to buy things like milk and feminine hygiene products."

Left: Re-enactment of Bernadette Noe using money to make purchases

Among other finds - a gasoline receipt that Tom Noe used to fill up his car in the amount of $20.57 on January 26, 2004, the same day that Vintage Coins and Cards deposited a check in the amount of $500.00.

Petro told Toledo Tales that he was "aghast" that Noe would pay cash for gasoline.

"That's so...so...old-fashioned," he said. "What more damning proof do you need that there was wrong-doing? Who else besides an old-fashioned gangster would pay cash for anything these days?"

Left: Noe gas receipt, in which he paid cash

Mr. Petro said Noe’s businesses operated in the manner of a “Ponzi” scheme, telling a Toledo Blade reporter that Noe received “investment dollars and you pay the investment dollars out as supposed earnings, when in fact to get that money you bring in more investment dollars.”

“You know, named after that famous scam artist, a guy named Ponzi,” he told the Blade. “Yes, I think it’s a Ponzi scheme.”

Petro said that a state audit revealed that Noe actually walked around with cash quite frequently.

"Noe told associates that he often carried as much as $200 on his person," he said, momentarily glancing into his own wallet. "This bastard is going down!"

(Toledo, OH) Former Toledo mayoral candidate Opal Covey, whose prediction that "the city will be destoyed" by an angry God if she was not elected, held out hope yesterday that the Almighty will still deliver on His promise.

"I don't understand it; He was very clear in His prophecy to me," said Covey. "I have faith that he will send a world of hurt upon Toledo, especially on that mean park ranger at Wildwood who stopped me from passing out leaflets."

Covey said that God has not provided her with any prophecies in the last month.

"The prophecy well is pretty dry right now," she admitted. "I thought I was getting one Thursday, but it turned out to be a migraine."

The post-campaign life has been "kinda boring," said Covey.

"Been doing some preaching the past few weeks," she said. "I tried to do some healing on some homeless men at the Cherry Street Mission, but they were neither grateful nor polite."

A spokesman for the mission declined a formal interview with Toledo Tales, but said he hoped that the "wack-ass lunatic gets some help."