Toledo Tales

Left: DaimlerChrysler's new Dodge Nitro, which is expected to make factory idiots put in an honest day's work

(New York, NY) DaimlerChrysler (DCX) investors raised their glasses to toast the announcement of productivity gains at Toledo Jeep.

"The introduction of the Dodge Nitro means those lazy union leeches will have to get off their lazy their assses and make me some money," said Warren Buffet, chairman of the investment firm Berkshire-Hathaway. "It's about time American workers learned what it means to be productive."

Employment at the Toledo Jeep operations has steadily decreased in the past seven years. The union seniority list was at 5,800 workers in 1998, and currently hovers just under 3,900 workers. Buffet hoped that DCX management will continue its workforce-trimming focus.

"I think we can double the output of vehicles with 2,000 less workers," he said, eyes poring over a spreadsheet. "Then the dividends will jump to $4 a share, and I can pocket a cool $11 billion after taxes."

The Nitro, the first compact Dodge SUV, will be assembled starting next summer in addition to the Jeep Liberty. The Toledo Jeep complex will also build the new models of the Jeep Wrangler. Buffet said that he hopes DCX will move other operations to Toledo.

"Look - I am all about maximizing return, and I could care less about these line rats," he said. "Why not have 1,000 workers building 6,000 cars a day? Do you know what that would mean to the bottom line? Holy shit - the stock would have to split just to keep the ticker price in the three digits."

Buffet applauded DaimlerChrysler's commitment to shareholders.

"Now all they have to do is get these UAW fucks working for about $8 an hour and we'll be all right," he said. "Oh, and they have to do something about getting rid of those costly insurance plans - let's just give 'em all a box of Band-Aids and a bottle of Excedrin once a month instead. Generic, though; nothing too fancy."

Left: Ohio governor Bob Taft with two of his remaining supporters

(Columbus, OH) The job approval numbers for embattled Ohio Governor Bob Taft continue to sink, according to a recent Zogby poll.

Only 3% of Ohioans believe Taft to be doing a "good" or "excellent" job.

"Fully 88% of Ohioans agree with the statement that 'Bob Taft sucks worse than anyone has ever sucked in the history of sucking,'" said John Zogby. "Clearly there is a shift by voters toward a consensus that this governor does, indeed, suck."

The poll, which has amargin of error of +/- 3.8 percentage points, surveyed 698 likely Ohio voters online and adjusted the results to more closely mirror state voting demographics. Zogby said that a margin of error was not even necessary in Taft's case.

"Look - the guy pretty much just sucks," he said. "When a governor sucks this bad, a margin of error will not cover up the overall suckiness of the results."

A state official took issue with the results of the poll.

"Governor Taft does not suck," said Mark Rickel, the governor's spokesman. "He is doing his unsuckiest best to keep the economic recovery moving full steam ahead, so that all Ohioans can achieve a suck-free prosperity."

Marc Dann, a state senator from Liberty, OH, said that the poll results agree with what constituents tell him.

"I have stacks of letters and emails, and they all say the same thing: Bob Taft sucks," he said. "It is time to sweep out the culture of suckery that has sucked the vitality out of this state. Oh, and vote for me for AG - I don't suck."

(North Bass Island, Ohio) Local cavemen took to the streets today to protest claims by another indigenous group to North Bass Island.

"We were here at least ten thousand years before the Ottawa," said Grokk, a spokeman for the group. "If anyone should get it, it's us."

The Ottawa, a Native American group that has been fighting for fishing rights on the Lake Erie island, now demands ownership of the 677 acre island. Grokk took issue with their claims.

"The Ottawa occupied the island for only a century or two," he said, beating a piece of quartz with a rock. "My ancestors lived on that island for thousands of years."

Based on interpretations of two treaties from the early 1800s, the Ottawa Tribe of Oklahoma claims that it should have the entire island. Grokk and other cavemen disagree, and have other plans.


"We would like the US to cede title to us so that we can make a prehistoric game preserve," he said. "We will stock it with woolly mammoths and other exotic big game. We think that we have the next big thing in hunting here, and Cabela's has already given us a verbal agreement to cross-promote the preserve."

A spokesman for the Ottawa said that he had not heard of the claims of the cavemen, but believed that the Neanderthals were "between a rock and a hard place."

"Fuck 'em. It's evolution, man," said the spokesman, who chose to remain nameless.

(Toledo, OH) Underground e-zine editor Subcomandante Bob suffered a severed finger in what authorities described as a "really weird accident."

Subcomandante Bob, who said his last name is an "unpronounceable sound," said that he was closing his Compaq laptop when something went horribly wrong.

"As the lid went down, I felt this sharp pain in my finger," he said. "It was then I realized that it was trapped inside the laptop."

To compound matters, the laptop would not open after it latched shut, said the Subcomandante.

"I had no choice but to chew through my own finger," he said. "It's kind of like the old "coyote ugly," except it did not involve alcohol, women, or sleep."

Subcomandante Bob said that a lawsuit is in the works.

"Oh yes, oh yes - someone is going to pay for this dangerous product," he said. "People should not have to live in fear that their laptops will attack them. This is not about money - it's about consumer safety. Besides, I may never be able to use the ESC key properly again."

(Toledo, OH) Toledo's 18th annual holiday parade, which started at the intersection of Jefferson Avenue and Summit Street, found itself the center of controversy when an inflatable balloon in the shape of a quarter was prevented from marching.

"I just don't understand it - there is no more recognizable symbol of Toledo than a coin," said John Robinson Block of the Toledo Blade. "Besides, we helped underwrite this fucking parade, so we oughtta be able to put any float we want in."

Scooby Doo was the parade's grand marshal, and the event ended with the arrival of Santa Claus.

Block lamented the decision by the parade committee to ban the giant coin.

"Toledo became the epicenter of the attention of the state this year," he said. "Why can't we celebrate our notoriety?"

More than 60 floats and bands marched in the 90-minute parade, which paseed many of Toledo's downtown landmarks. Block said that he would consider alternative floats for next year's Blade entry.

"We are thinking of commissioning the balloon makers to design a fat white guy in an orange jumpsuit," he said. "There should be several people it might represent in 2006."

Left: Toledo city council rep Bob McCloskey

(Toledo, OH) Despite hundreds of hours of research, editors at the Toledo Blade threw in the proverbial towel in their quest to link embattled Toledo city council rep Bob McCloskey to Tom Noe, the chief figure in numerous local and state scandals.

"We though it was a natural," said Ron Royhab, The Blade's executive editor. "These are the two biggest symbols of corruption in Toledo, and it is amazing that we could not find a way to connect the dots and link them."

McCloskey faces charges that he atempted to extort a bribr from a corporation doing business with the city. In addition, he faces numerous ethical and legal cases surrounding the November 2005 election.

"What are the odds that in a city this size these two ethically-challenged individuals would not have recognized the synergy in combining their forces?" asked Royhab. "Answer: slim to none. But despite our best efforts, we can't even show them bumping into each other at a football game."

Noe is currently under investigation for the Coingate scandal and was also charged in October with money laundering in connection to his political fundraising for President Bush.

Royhab shook his head at the paper's inability to create a story.

"I still can't get over the sense of disappointment," he said. "We have been able to link almost everyone in the city to Tom Noe, and yet linking Toledo's biggest sleazeball to him remains just beyond our grasp."

(Toledo, OH) Gwen Logan has faced disappointment on holidays before, including no-shows, drunken uncles, and feuding cousins.

Nothing, however, may ever top the new scourge of local Thanksgiving chefs - the ubiquitous Atkins dieter.

"I can't believe all these idiots," she said, shaking her head. "It's 'no sugar,' 'no rolls,' and 'no carbs' throughout the whole goddamn meal."

Logan said that one of the worst moments came during the carving of the turkey.

"OK, you've got eight of these morons wrestling for the two chicken breasts," she said. "Let's see...eight divided by two equals ...for Christ's sake, have a goddamn thigh!"

Dessert time did not fare much better.

"We had a total of 11 pies for 21 people," she said. "By 6:00 there were only two slices of pumpkin eaten."

One item went over especially well at the dinner.

"Oh, sure, they eat salad like a bunch of fucking rabbits," she said. "Lester had to run over to Kroger's at three in the afternoon for these clowns. I swear to God next year I am ordering pizza."

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

(Detroit, MI)—Automotive giant General Motors announced today that it will lay off all of its employees—including factory workers and corporate management—by 2009.

The lone exception will be ten Italian-American laborers who “fucking work their greasy asses off,” and will remain an indispensable asset to the company throughout the next decade, said a company spokesperson.

While all ten Italians recently declined an interview with Toledo Tales due to scheduling conflicts, an anonymous source has confirmed that they all hail from various parts of northwest Ohio and central Michigan, and at least two have been convicted of alcohol-related offenses in Lucas County.

The United Auto Workers blasted GM executives, citing this decision as a “monumental setback” for working families, especially in areas such as Lansing and rural Georgia, where economic growth has remained stagnant in recent years.

But despite a never-ending assault from labor activists and the press, chief executive G. Richard Wagoner Jr. sees GM’s struggle through a pane of rosy optimism.

“GM is still a family company, and is still dedicated to its employees," he said. "In fact, I have an ’86 Corvette around back that is going to shuttle folks to the unemployment office free of charge. With that kind of service, who needs a pension?”

Wagoner also sought to soothe the impact this would have on the nation’s unemployment rate.

“No matter where our workers end up — be it their brother’s couch in Sylvania, drinking Jim Bean at 10 a.m., or begging for loose change outside an Episcopal Church in Flint—they can take great pride in 2009, when these ten Italian dudes roll eleven, twelve, maybe even a baker’s dozen of GM vehicles off the assembly line for an eager American public.”

Toledo, OH) A study conducted by the American Institute for Regional Development depicted East Toledoans in an unfavorable light.

Among the findings: east-siders were eleven times more likely than those on the west side of the river to be inbred.

East side residents also fared poorly on standardized IQ tests, averaging 40 points below their counterparts across the Maumee River.

Bill Worley, president of Eastsiders Against The Malicious Equivocation (EATME), took issue with the findings.

“This study was obviously funded by west side developers looking to cash in on depressed property values,” he said. “Besides, they are just a bunch of pootie-heads.”

Worley objected to the study’s sample size.

“They only surveyed 100 people, and 30 of them were from the McKenzies, who live in 2 houses on Pratt Street,” he said, referencing a colorful local family. "The McKenzies skew the results, and besides, we're not quite sure exactly how many McKenzies there are any more since Raquelle gave birth to a new litter."

Toledo Mayor Jack Ford was also unhappy about the study.

“Everyone in Toledo counts, and it doesn’t matter if their moms are also their sisters,” he said. “This is a tolerant and accepting community.”

Worley had a few choice words for west-siders.

“If you think you’re so smart, how come you’re wearing socks with long pants?” he asked. “Ain’t nobody going to see them.”

Yes, it's a rerun, kids. Subcomandante Bob and a certain C-man whooped it up last night after the Monday Night Football game, and he is finding it hard to form words of more than one syllable.

(Toledo, OH) The tentacles of conspiracy emananting from the Tom Noe case have sucked in another player, according to a new Toledo Blade investigation.

Sources close to the case have fingered Kevin Holdern, a South Toledo lawn service professional, as a possible figure in the case.

"This guy took money from the Noes every week; sometimes cash, sometimes checks," said an anonymous source. "And he was always over at their houses doing God only knows what."

Another sources described Holdern as "shifty looking."

"He was always talking about "green" lawns," said the source. "At the time, I didn't pay much attention. Now I know different - "green" was just a euphemism for money. Worst off, the guy had the audacity to put the word "green" right on his truck!"

Blade reporters caught up with Holdern yesterday afternoon. He denied any involvement with Coingate.

"Hey man, I just cut their fucking grass," he said. "And no, by "grass" I am not referring to their dope."

State Senator Marc Dann condemned the latest findings.

"Hopefully this is the beginning of the end of the culture of corruption that has afflicted our great state and its people for far too long," said Dann. "People like Holdern have bled the workers of Ohio and violated the public trust."

(Toledo, OH) Toledo Tales convinced WSPD personality Bob Frantz to participate in his first interview since he was removed last week as host of the morning drive time show.

TT: How are you adjusting to life after the morning show, Bob?
BF: Mmmmmph...mmmmmph...mmmph.

TT: Many local pundits have speculated that the decision to remove you as host of WSPD's Morning Show was political in nature. Your thoughts?
BF: Mmmmph....mmmmmph....mmm...ppphhhhhh!

TT: Do you have any thoughts on the new program director Brian Wilson?
BF: Mmmmmph....mgggggg....mpppphhh!

TT: Most people see your one-hour, once-weekly "Eye on Toledo" segment as a farce, and that Clear Channel just threw you this little doggie treat to keep from saying you were fired.
BF: Mmmpppphh....mggggghhhrrr....mpppphhhhh...mmm...mmm...mpphhhh!

TT: Are you using this time to find a better opportunity at another station?
BF: Mmmppphhh...mmmmggggg...mmmrrrrr..mmm!

TT: Can you confirm reports that you told Brian Wilson: "If they stuck your fucking brain in the head of a flea, it would bounce around like a BB in a boxcar?"
BF: Mmmmppph!

(Toledo, OH) Angered by the departure of popular morning radio host Bob Frantz, hundreds of listeners stormed onto Clear Channel property to protest his removal.

"Bob, Bob he's our man! No one hosts shows like he can!" chanted the mob. Toledo Mayor Jack Ford waded out into the crowd in an attempt to calm the angry protesters. Frustrated, he returned to the city hall.

"There is no reasoning with these folks," he said, shaking his head. "I shouldn't have even bothered going in there after the shit Frantz dished out to me, but I thought I owed it to the city."

The crowd smashed the car and bass boat of new programming director Brian Wilson, who was whisked away along with other Clear Channel management after the crowd grew riotous.

"Look - they started this, not me," said Wilson, visibly agitated. "We came here with some new ideas, but this is just wrong."

Many in the crowd turned on police long after the Clear Channel management left.

"Let us at them! Let us at them!' cried one protester in a GW Bush t-shirt. "Damn them and their demographic analyses!"

Others blamed poverty for the unrest.

"These Clear Channel people showed poor judgement," said one rioter. "Their impoverished strategic vision will bankrupt this station."

Left: A man not named Frantz interviews a guest

(Toledo, OH) Embattled program director Brian Wilson publicly denied rumors that a radio personality named Bob Frantz ever worked there.

"Let's see...Frantz, Frantz....nope, the name doesn't ring a bell," he said, checking a list of Clear Channel employees. "Are you sure that you have the right station?"

Wilson said that the station has been inundated with emails and phone calls from listeners.

"It's the craziest thing," he said. "It's like the entire community ate a bunch of 'shrooms or something. There can be no other explanation for this mass delusion."

The problem, Wilson believes, revolved around some recent personnel changes at WSPD.

"I think that people have been very focused on France, the country, what with the French ditching us in the whole Iraq war and the recent riots over there," he said. "Let's just leave it at that, since there is obviously no one here by that name. Say, have I told you about my bass boat yet?"

(Toledo, OH) After a three-week bender, executives at Toledo's 1370-WSPD woke up this morning to discover that they dismantled their entire newstalk station during their mega-binge.

"Holy shit, I can't believe some of the stupid things we did," said station manager Andy Stuart. "That just goes to show you that Quaaludes, booze, and coke definitely do not mix."

Among the moves that occurred along the way: the removal of popular morning host Bob Frantz.

"Jesus Christ, the guy had the number three morning show in the market," said Stuart. "What the hell were we thinking? Oh, right, we weren't thinking - we were out of our fucking heads."

Stuart said that new procedures are now in place to prevent any future collective mistakes by management.

"From this point forward only one of us will be allowed to be zonked for more than 24 straight hours," said Stuart. "That way at least one Clear Channel administrator will be clear-headed at all times."

By Banfu T. Burnside, Toledo Tales contributing editor

"Not again," whined Todd Sarnac to his dining companions yesterday evening. "They always frigging do this to me."

Sarnac was once again unhappy with the portions he was given while dining at the Monroe Street Applebee's Restaurant. According to his friends, it is a frequently reoccurring issue.

"We go to this place at least twice a month, and every time, Todd kirks-out when he sees his plate," said Cal Sanders, one of Sarnac's closest friends.

Witnesses say that Sarnac was intent on making his displeasure known throughout the entire restaurant.

"That guy was so loud," explained casual diner, Wendy Durbin. "Apparently the guy only got fourteen french fries with his order of Honey Blasted Ribs. And every time he ate one, he'd count them out loud so everybody would know how many he had left."

Sarnac's tactics were not unfamiliar to the waitstaff.

"The fry-counter guy comes in every few weeks," said Darlene Tommlins, shift manager. "At this point, I think the kitchen staff shorts him fries just to see him squirm."

Aside from the portioning of his sides, which Sarnac labeled "totally criminal and bogus," he admits that he enjoys the Applebee's dining experience.

"It's got great atmosphere," he said. "And they were playing the Doobie Brothers, so I'll probably go back the next time somebody suggests it."

(Toledo, OH) A Toledo-area bowler, who has been in leagues at nearly every area facility, expressed unhappiness with what he called “a noticeable decline in bowling French fry quality.”

“It used to be you could find the world’s best fries at a bowling alley,” said Nathan "Nappy" Jazubowski. “Now, all you can get are dried-out frozen crinkles cooked in year-old grease that tastes like fish.”

Jazubowski, who carries an average in “the low 140s,” said that he began to witness low quality fries in the late 1990s.

“At first it was just a couple of places,” he said of the spud deterioration. “Then some of the better houses started serving this shit.”

The low point for Jazubowski came when a Toledo bowling landmark closed in 2005.

“When Ottawa Lanes was torn down, Toledo lost its last good bowling fry,” he said dejectedly. “There is nothing left for the connoisseur of good fried foods.”

Jazubowski is most angered when pro bowlers arrive in Toledo for tournaments.

“Yeah, they’ll change the deep fry grease when the PBA is here,” he said. “The problem is, you won’t get fresh oil until the next tourney.”

Jazubowski said that he will lead a citywide boycott of fries in protest.

Imperial Lanes manager Mark Nicholson disputed Jazubowski’s claims.

“That guy is a world-class douche bag,” he said. “Last week he was in here complaining that we switched the Hines’ ketchup packets for cheap no-brand packs. Doesn’t this fuckhead have anything else to do?”

Yes, another re-run. Subcomandante Bob is in a creative funk today, and the voices in his head are so loud that he can't think straight.

(Toledo, OH) Fearful of a recurrence of area violence, city officials have demanded that theaters pull the Disney Pictures film "Chicken Little."

TPD Chief Mike Navarre said the film could promote unrest, especially given the October 15th riot in North Toledo. That riot began as a disturbance, after a neo-Nazi march was cancelled.

"If people start thinking the sky is falling, all hell will break loose," said Navarre. "This town is too jittery right now, what with threats of a return of the Nazis and a certifiable lunatic as the mayor-elect."

In the film Chicken Little causes widespread panic--when he mistakes a falling acorn for a piece of the sky--the young chicken is determined to restore his reputation. But just as things are starting to go his way, a real piece of the sky lands on his head.

National Amusements rep Brian Callaghan said that the theaters "have decided to cancel any midnight showings for Friday and Saturday. Besides, the little bastards ought to be in bed at that time, anyhow."

Disney officials could not be reached for comment.

Navarre said that his department is reviewing other films for their riot potential.

"That "Good Night and Good Luck" film will probably get people worried about censorship and McCarthyism, which do not exist," he said. "We don't need to have people thinking on their own in this town."

By Banfu T. Burnside, Toledo Tales contributing editor

(Toledo, OH) You won't find any nondescript polo shirts at the Huntsville Clothing Boutique. That's because owner Terry Phipps has dedicated his business to the acquisition, restoration, and retail of garb.

"I'm a purveyor of garb!" exclaimed Phipps, doffing a fireman's cap. "The outfits I sell here are all quite distinctive, not the kind of things you'd see around the office."

Phipps stocks his Main Street boutique with hundreds of themed ensembles, all easily identified with a particular occupation or time period. "Of course, who wouldn't want to go to work as a full-on Roman?" he asks, gesturing towards a rack of fig leaf headwear.

Though his shop is busiest in the weeks preceding Halloween, Phipps rejects any comparisons to a costume shop. "This is garb, not some low-brow wig and mask operation," interjects the businessman at the first mention of the word costume. He contends that garb, unlike costume, commands a twelve-month market, with virtually no fluctuation in demand.

"Look at me, I'm Father McPhipps," he crowed while sporting a priestly cassock, complete with clerical collar. "And I do this at least once a month."

The boutique's collection is quite diverse, and includes mime-garb, Jedi-garb, and a majestic Indian headdress. There is one notable omission from the collection.

"I don't do S&M," stated Phipps solemnly. "I carry no pleather and no whips, and I'm very careful not to include chaps with the biker-garb." To Phipps, the S&M crowd is one clientele he'd prefer not to court. "Nipple clamps are what I like to call garb-age."

(Toledo, OH) In a move to consolidate his power, Toledo councilman Bob McCloskey addressed the gathered members in council chambers Wednesday.

"We are here to discuss one thing - teamwork," he said. "Baseball! A man...A man stands alone at the plate. This is the time for what? For individual achievement."

McCloskey slid his hands down the length of a Louisville Slugger that he brought in with him for effect.

"There he stands alone," he said, grimacing at the assembled council members. "But in the field, what? Part of a team. Teamwork."

The councilman took a few practice swings with the bat and returned to his baseball analogy.

"Looks, throws, catches, hustles. Part of one big team," he said. "Bats himself the live-long day; Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and so on. But if his team don't field...what is he?"

The nervous members of city council looked on, and McCloskey continued with his speech.

"You follow me?" he asked. "I'll tell you - he is no one."

McCloskey walked over to councilman Frank Szollosi.

"Sunny day, the stands are full of fans. What does he have to say?" he queried. "'I'm goin' out there for myself. But...l get nowhere unless the team wins."

With bat in hand, McCloskey glared around the table.

"Team! Team!" he screamed.

(Toledo, OH) Rapturous music and heavenly host accompanied the second coming of Toledo mayor Carty Finkbeiner, who defeated the incumbent Jack Ford Tuesday night.

Finkbeiner, resurrected from the political graveyard, was carried on a berm to One Government Center by cherubim and seraphim.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Carty art with me," said one adoring Toledo resident. "Surely goodness, mercy, and an industrial job shall follow me all the days of my life."

Finkbeiner carried the city with over 62% of the vote, and in the process produced another surprise.

"Carty has never pulled more than 51% of the vote in a mayoral election," said a local political pundit. "This is nothing short of miraculous."

On passing a paralyzed supporter, Finkbeiner touched the withered legs of the young man, who rose up out of his wheelchair.


"These...are the first steps I have taken in twenty years," said Todd Flemming of Toledo. "We are not worthy!"

On a post-electoral trip through Woodlawn Cemetery, Finkbeiner raised a number of interred remains back to life. One recipient of Carty's raising of the dead, however, was less than enthusiastic.

"Look at me - just look at me; I look awful," said Helga Smithers, who died in 1991. "What good is it to come back if I look like a piece of beef jerky?"

(Toledo, OH) Members of a local undead organization gathered in downtown Toledo today to protest what they call "living supremacist policies."

"Down with breathers! Up with eaters!" was the chant grunted by several dozen zombies near the county courthouse today. Spokesghoul Martin Galloway said that the group is angry bout what it perceives as "corporeal disenfranchisement."

"Just because our hearts don't beat, and we like the taste of living flesh, does not mean that we cannot exercise our right to vote," he said. "The dead have been allowed to vote in Chicago for decades."

Galloway claimed that Lucas County election officials have actively prevented zombies from voting.

"We went down there just for conversation, and they started this screaming bullshit," he said. "They boarded up the windows on us and blasted us with shotguns. Christ, it wasn't this bad in Selma, Alabama."

Galloway says that his group, Zombies Outraged by Mass Belittlement and Institutionalized Exclusion (ZOMBIE), is just misunderstood.

"OK, we have gotten a bad rap from people like George Romero," he said, referencing the horror film director. "But there is no legal precedent for this. Give us back our rights, or we are going to eat your children!"

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—After another weekend of slammed doors and passive-aggressive huffiness, it is clear that Tom Constable, a Toledo-area weatherman, “totally doesn’t fucking care” about his fiercely independent daughter Ashley, 17, and according to one report, “would probably respond to her death with cold indifference.”

Constable, 53, is a native of Sylvania, and caught his first professional break at Bowling Green University, where he hosted his own radio show as an undergraduate. By the mid-1980s, he had a substantial reputation working as a meteorologist for several AM stations, and by all accounts, his potential seemed endless, with network television offers lingering on the horizon.

This all came to a screeching halt in 1988, when his wife gave birth to their only child, which subsequently destroyed Constable’s emotional range.

“Tom loved that little girl…at first,” remarked Lewis McCarthy, long-time neighbor and friend of the family. “But by the time she turned three, he had just given up. I mean, diapers take their toll on a man. That child ruined Tom’s ability to feel.”

This Sunday marked another two-day stand-off, in which Ashley argued endlessly with her mother about boys, birth control, and her 11:30 p.m. curfew, while Tom remained conspicuously aloof.

“Tom just sits there reading the goddamn paper,” lamented Mrs. Constable between quiet, repressed sobs. “A few months ago, I almost filed for divorced, but I can’t raise Ashley by myself. Some days I just drive past my house after work because I can’t deal with the pain. How is this my life?”

(Toledo, OH) Mayoral candidate Carty Finkbeiner, ahead by as much as 26 points in the latest polls, provided additional proof to his devoted followers that he has achieved a heightened state of being by walking on water Saturday.

Coupled with his loaves-and-fishes miracle at Oak Shade Grove and water-into-wine trick on another campaign stop, Finkbeiner has been elevated to near-deity status in the eyes of many Toledo voters.

"Yes, Carty is just about the second coming of Christ right now," said Bob Reinbolt, campaign manager for Finkbeiner. "We can't really explain this stuff, but the man seems to have taken the political Teflon coating to a new level."

Finkbeiner, who served as Toledo's mayor for two previous terms, remained humble in his assessment of his powers.

"Look, I have no control over how He sends His miracles," he said. "I am just a conduit for a higher power, and how He works is a complete mystery. Besides, where was He in the 1980s?"

Left: Nothing happening in North Toledo - honest!

(Toledo, OH) Citizens and officials in this midwestern Rust Belt city continue to not do anything about a return visit from NSM (National Socialist Movement) that is not scheduled to happen Saturday.

"Yes, it's life as normal on Bronson Street, and nothing is going to happen," said resident Kevin Mayhew. "There is nothing going on, nothing expected to go on, and probably nothing in the near future, either."

Several residents noted an increased number of police cruisers doing nothing.

"Yeah, the police are doing a lot of sitting," said one resident who refused to be named. "They pretty much seem to think there's nothing going on, either."

A group of goose-stepping young men in brown shirts seemed to think things were peaceful, too.

"Yeah, not much happening here," said one marcher. "We like it that way, too!"

(Toledo, OH) Despite rumors of a return visit by the neo-Nazi group NSM this weekend, Toledoans are busy not preparing for a confrontation.

"Since they're not coming, there's nothing to worry about, right?" asked Madison Kilhagen. "I mean, they're not coming right?"

Police command officers are mum, but street level officers believe something is definitely not happening.

"There are an awful lot of officers scheduled to work this non-event Saturday," said an anonymous officer. "We are definitely gearing up for a non-busy day, and there will be many officers in the North End, where things are not supposed to happen."

City officials agree that nothing is happening.

"We completely agree that nothing is going on," said one administration official. "In fact, there's so little going on that my Monday-Friday supervisor is working Saturday just to make sure that nothing happens."

(Toledo, OH) Joining a long list of endorsees, a styrofoam cup today announced it will throw its support for current Mayor Jack Ford over his challenger, former mayor Carty Finkbeiner.

747045, a cup produced by the Dart Corporation, said that its decision was a "no-brainer."

"Given Finkbeiner's history of threatening subordinates with styrofoam cups, there is no way I could support him," said 747045. "With these actions Finkbeiner has shown an unacceptable pattern of styromania that is completely unacceptable in a public servant."

Styrofoam cups, according to 747045, are steadfast members of society who tackle thankless jobs.

"We hold your hot coffee, get chewed on by your kids, and we do it without complaint," said 747045. "However, we draw the line at being used as projectiles. For this reason, we cannot support Mr. Finkbeiner."

747045 is the spokesperson for a petrochemical product advocacy group known as Styrofoam Cups Against Recycling (SCAR), which seeks to let cups live out normal lives. Finkbeiner represents everything the group opposes, said 747045.

"Look, today he's throwing us at staff members, and then tomorrow he'll be laughing maniacally and melting us in microwaves," the cup said. "We cannot in good conscience offer an endorsement to this styrocidal lunatic."

(Toledo, OH) Martin Hollander says he is not one to be taken in by quackery, but an Aquafina bottle in his possession might just be more than a chunk of molded plastic.

"Ever since I bought this bottle of Aquafina at Seven-11, my life has changed," he said, displaying the bottle with the purported magical powers. "For instance, 5 minutes after I bought it, I made every light on the way to work."

Hollander said that the good fortune continued throughout that first week.

"I got a call from a guy who said he could fix my leaky roof for a good price," he said. "Then I saw this ad for a closet organizer that really spruced up my bedroom. I owe it all to this Aquafina bottle."

Hollander added that he has taken to refilling the bottle ever time he needs good luck, and puts the refilled bottle in the refrigerator to get the water "Seven-11 cold."

"I can't wait to have it next to me the next time I buy some lottery scratch-offs," he said. "I just know I am going to win some money if I can position it near the tickets."

(Findlay, OH) US Rep. Mike Oxley, a conservative Republican from Findlay and one of Ohio’s longest-serving congressmen, announced this morning that he will retire at the end of his current term.

"I just can't deal with this idiocy any more," said a weary-looking Oxley. "They expect us to actually read these bills we propose."

Oxley, 61, entered Congress in 1981. He co-authored the 2002 corporate reform law that is commonly referred to as "Sarbanes-Oxley."

Tom DeLay faces criminal prosecution for alleged unethical behavior; Oxley has come under fire for giving DeLay's legal fund $10 K to help defend him.

Julie Domenick, a longtime foe of Oxley, called the announcement "fan-freaking-tastic."

"Oh my God, what a total sleazebag," she said. "He liked to play up the corporate reform angle, but the guy couldn't reform his own boxers."

Oxley remained resolute.

"Domenick can kiss the fattest part of my big white ass," he said.