Toledo Tales

(Toledo, OH) At a press conference Friday afternoon, city officials came together to combine their resources in order to catch suspected sex offenders.

"We're not going to tolerate the young people of our city feeling threatened when they go home from school in the afternoon," said Mayor Carty Finkbeiner. "We will hunt these sick freaks and impale them on iron stakes on the edge of town as a warning."

Local flasher Harry Ness, however, took issue with the Mayor's comments.

"Hey man, some of us are just about the quick peep show," Ness said, opening his trench coat to a carload of young women. "I don't hurt anybody, and I'm just trying to make a political statement."

Ness believes that the increased police presence in neighborhoods plagued by reports of suspicious trespassers was like turning Toledo "into an occupied zone."

"They ought to be allocating resources to more important crimes, like the outrageous prices charged at Victoria's Secret," he said, wiggling his hips for passing motorists. "Do you know what a silk bustier is going for these days? I don't think so. I may have to go for the Army Ranger look instead."

(Toledo, OH) Local amateur sleuth Robert "Smitty" Phillips believes that he possesses "irrefruitable photorgasmic evidence" that the moon landing was faked, and that he knows where NASA filmed the historic fraud.

"It happened outside the Denny's restaurant near Midland Texas, about two blocks from the interstate," he said, holding up photographs. "Me and some of my friends were eating Grand Slams when Luther looked up and saw all the commotion. Sure enough, they was staging the moon landing."

Left: Denny's sign reflected in Neil Armstrong's visor

Phillips said that he grabbed his Brownie camera from the back of his pickup truck and started snapping photos.

"Them NASA boys were pretty pissed, and took what they thought was all my film," he said. "Then they tried zapping me with that flashy thing, like in Men in Black, but I looked away at just the right time."

The Denny's restaurant then became a surreal place, said Phillips.

"So Neil and the rest of the NASA crew comes in and orders Bacon Cheddar Burgers, acting like nothing was going on," he said. "We all stared at each other, slowly munching our fries, trying not to talk about what just happened. It was pretty awkward, sorta like having sex with your cousin, except we also had strawberry milkshakes."

Left: Moving to bigger and better prey

(Toledo, OH) 14-year-old Justin Hammett knows a thing or two about tormenting insects.

"I've been pulling the wings off flies and stabbing caterpillars since I was a little kid," he chuckled during an interview with Toledo Tales reporters. "There's probably not a species of bug I haven't killed with a slow, painful death yet."

Hammet, however, seeks new challenges with his desire to infilct pain on other creatures, and his neighbor's cat appears to be the next target.

"Look at him, sitting over there staring at me," he said, pointing to a young tabby in his neighbor's window. "One of these days, you will be mine, cat."

Left: Bootsie sits, unaware of the looming danger from Hammett

Hammett has not decided on his plan of action vis-a-vis Bootsie.

"I was toying with stringing him up with a little kitty noose, but people would probably figure out it was me," he said, acknowledging that he has "a bit of a reputation" for disturbed behavior. "So I'll probably feed him rat poison and pour antifreeze in his water dish."

The young man did not seem concerned about his actions.

"Listen - if it wasn't me, it would be any one of a hundred other dudes," he said, scratching his neck. "If you are born a bug or a cat, you're pretty much doomed to a shitty life. Here, Bootsie, Bootsie!"

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—Bruce Makuck was devastated last October when his wife Deborah left him for a younger, more stylish man after 19 years of loyal marriage.

That’s why this fall, after losing 30 pounds jogging all summer, Makuck plans to revamp his entire autumn wardrobe with rugged, overpriced slacks and sweaters from mail-order clothier L.L. Bean.

“When Debbie left, I was devastated,” Makuck somberly reflected. “And then I found out the guy she was banging was one of these…metrosexuals. You know, one of these pseudo-fags who wear argyle socks and think pink and purple match? I decided then and there I was going to have a new look this fall, come hell or high water.”

Makuck, a life-long civil engineer and admitted “clock puncher,” feels that L.L. Bean’s expansive collection of flannel, corduroy, and denim will help project a more “outdoorsy persona.”

“I used to be the guy at the office who ate nine doughnuts before lunchtime,” Makuck remarked, disgusted with his former lifestyle. “But I took two weeks of personal leave in June, grew a beard, and threw out every Oxford shirt I owned. Nobody fucks with me now.”

Left: The old Bruce

Ultimately, Makuck hopes to rejuvenate his love life through this highly spiritual wardrobe reinvention.

“There’s this receptionist down the hall, so if I make the office softball team this year, it would do me a real solid,” Makuck beamed. “When I tried to ask her out in April, I had grape jelly all over my Dilbert tie. Didn’t go so well. This time…she [Administrative Assistant Josie Fowler] doesn’t know it, but I’m about to go all woodsman on her sexy ass.”

Left: Not to be denied

(Toledo, OH) Despite recent setbacks, including the day you ripped into them for their loud car stereo, a pair of local teens is "totally determined" to score with your teenage daughter.

"No doubt - she got it workin', and I aims to gets me some," said Tre Lowden of Toledo. "She, like, isn't a wannabe model, but she knows what a man needs, fo sho."

Tyler Oglivie, a member of Lowden's posse, described his "ultimate fantasy" involving your daughter.

"We did it in the kitchen, we did it in the hall," he rapped. "I got some on my fingers so I wiped it on the wall."

Lowden said that there is little you can do to combat the "madd threat."

"The only question is if me or Ty-Dogg is gonna be first," he chuckled. "Or if it will be a three-way with both of us going at it wit her. Either way, dis finese mama be ours, y'all."

Left: Rosenbaum squeaks and screeches

(Toledo, OH) "Learning to love yourself - is the greatest love of all."

So sang Janice Rosenbaum last Friday at Mug Shots on Summit Street, voice cracking at the highest notes sung by Whitney Houston.

A long-time patron at the bar, however, failed to share Rosenbaum's enthusiasm for the song, originally written by George Benson.

"If I said to most of the people who sang karaoke, 'Good job, awesome, well done,' it would have made me actually look and feel ridiculous," said Brad Perryman of Sylvania. "It's quite obvious most of the people - especially this chick - who turned up tonight are hopeless."

Perryman said that there were historic parallels for the performance.

"If she would be singing like this two thousand years ago, people would have stoned her," he said. "The end of the animal trade would leave more time to trap or beat to death pop star wannabes like this horrid creature."

Left: Perryman was "not impressed"

Perryman, who admits to having "difficulty maintaining a relationship," said that Rosenbaum's performance was among the worst he has ever seen at Mug Shot's.

"My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't," he said to a crying Rosenbaum. "You have to have a talent to progress it. I don't believe Janice has a singing talent. She's completely wasting our time."

Bar manager Jason Stanford agreed.

"Look - I'm sorry she got shouted down, but she's going to kill our business," he said. "When someone is that bad, or sings such a hackneyed song, they are not funny. They just suck."

Left: Certain business consortiums have expressed interest in the turnpike

(Fremont, OH) Ken Blackwell, Republican candidate for governor, unveiled a plan to lease the Ohio Turnpike to private investors this week, arguing that the privatization proposal will result in "higher tolls and more traffic on parallel routes."

Business operatives of an "interested conglomerate" interviewed by Toledo Tales agreed with the gubernatorial candidate's assessment.

"Without a doubt, the Turnpike represents what you might call your 'untapped value,'" said Henry Hill, spokesman for the unnamed group. "For us to live any other way was nuts. Uh, to us, those goody-good people who worked shitty jobs for bum paychecks and took the subway to work every day, and worried about their bills, were dead. I mean they were suckers. They had no balls. If we wanted something we just took it. If anyone complained twice they got hit so bad, believe me, they never complained again."

Hill said that the group has excellent references.

"Take this struggling restauranteur. Now the guy's got Paulie as a partner. Any problems, he goes to Paulie. Trouble with the bill? He can go to Paulie. Trouble with the cops, deliveries, Tommy, he can call Paulie," he said. "But now the guy's gotta come up with Paulie's money every week no matter what. Business bad? Fuck you, pay me. Oh, you had a fire? Fuck you, pay me. Place got hit by lightning huh? Fuck you, pay me."

Left: Big business, that Turnpike

His consortium, noted Hill, has tremendous logistical experience in transportation networks.

"By the time I grew up, there was thirty billion a year in cargo moving through Idlewild Airport and believe me, we tried to steal every bit of it," he laughed, putting out a cigarette. "When I was broke, I'd go out and rob some more. We ran everything. We paid off cops. We paid off lawyers. We paid off judges. Everybody had their hands out. Everything was for the taking. Yeah, what we could do with your Ohio Turnpike." ."

Left: Jazubowski can't wait for fall leagues

(Toledo, OH) Local bowling afficianado Nathan "Nappy" Jazubowski says that the summer leagues have "totally blown dick," and that he looks forward to the return of the local fall bowling season.

"No doubt - the summer brings out the worst sort of bowlers," he said, rolling a joint as he spoke with Toledo Tales reporters. "You got your divorced dads with wild-ass kids, your drunken teenagers, and your angry-looking black dudes who look like they want to shoot you dead. No sir - summer bowling is not my favorite."

Worse yet, said Jazubowski, the food service at local establishments has been "über-lousy."

"At Imperial Lanes they haven't even got a snack bar girl most nights, and the shoe guy has to take care of cooking your french fries," he said, shaking his head. "Sorry - the thought of sweat socks and hot dogs just doesn't cut it, homey."

Left: Jazubowski gets ready for the tenth frame in a recent summer league match

Jazubowski's complaints have fallen on deaf ears, he said.

"The worst part is the owners just don't give a shit what happens in the summer, since business is so bad in the bowling alleys," he said, finishing off his fat spliff and letting out a deep exhale. "They take our money from the fall and spring, and go on vacation someplace, leaving their pimply-faced, inbred nephews to run the joints. As a year-round paying customer, I expect a little bit more, you know?"

A Guest editorial by Frank Schumacher

Schumacher discussing an illegal turn with a fellow driver

You know, I’m a pretty decent guy. I go to work everyday, I take care of my family, and I pay my fair share of taxes—without bitching and moaning like every other Joe Six-Pack. But as a lifelong resident of Toledo, I have come to a disturbing realization: everyone drives like an asshole but me.

Let’s start simple, shall we? I live on a nice residential street where the speed limit is 20 MPH. We have signs all around that say “PLEASE DRIVE SLOW—CHILDREN AT PLAY.” Hell, there’s even a deaf kid across the street, and he gets his own sign: “DEAF CHILD AWARENESS ZONE.” But every night, like clockwork, these goddamn thugs zip up and down my lane at 50 MPH blasting their bitches n’ hoes, glocks n’ dope noise pollution. Maybe when I run out of the house in my boxers and blast some shotgun shells into their pimped-out Impalas, they’ll think twice about whose ghetto.

Don’t get me going on rush hour, though. Someone ought to tell these pencil-neck jerkoffs about an amazing invention called the TURN SIGNAL, and that if they use it, they are at a reduced risk of getting their jaw broken…by me. And by the way, I’m glad someone invented brakes, but these goddamn phantom brakers—who tap ‘em just to screw up the flow of traffic—need their balls smashed with a tire-iron.

Which brings me to city construction. Look, people—we all have to deal with it. So there is no FUCKING need, when three lanes narrow down to two, for Johnny Cellphone in his 2006 Escalade to zoom past on the shoulder just to get a few car-lengths closer to his destination. Pal, someone ought to rape your wife with a mud shark, make a home movie of it, and give it to your kids as a Christmas present.

The bottom line is we all have to share the roads, so don’t be an asshole: your health may depend on it.

Left: Police found "thousands" of golf balls in the van

(Caro, MI) Three men were arrested on charges of supporting terrorism after they purchased 80 packages of golf balls from a Wal-Mart store, Michigan state police said.

The men, all of Middle Eastern descent and living in the Dallas area, were being held on charges of soliciting or providing material support for terrorism and obtaining information of a vulnerable target for the purposes of terrorism, according to police Sgt. Dale Stevenson.

"We believe these men intended to use the golf balls to take down the Mackinac Bridge," he said. "Apparently if you strike a suspension bridge just right with a drive off a 3-wood you can induce catastrophic stress in the trusses that support the Bridge deck."

Left: Mackinac Bridge just a drive away from destruction?

Adham Abdelhamid Othman, 21, of Dallas, and Maruan Awad Muhareb, 18, and Louai Abdelhamied Othman, 23, both of Mesquite, Texas, deny that they were involved in terror-related activity.

"We are being targeted because Maruan cannot drive off a tee to save his life," said Adham Othman, adding that the group planned to resell the golf balls for a profit. "When the police asked us to fire off a couple, Maruan knocked three into the drink, and then asked for a Mulligan. Look - just because he's a shitty golfer doesn't mean he's a terrorist."

Left: Kellerman and Flaherty in happier times

(Ann Arbor, MI) There are many things that Josh Kellerman likes about his girlfriend Mandy Flaherty, and he acknowledged that she is cute, intelligent, and fun to be around.

But there is one characteristic that might spell doom for this undergraduate couple.

"Mandy likes some of the most God-awful bands that have ever recorded music," Josh confessed, admitting he is "something of a music critic" at times. "It's one thing when she plays that stupid Creed CD in her car, but it's really embarassing when she actually mentions at a party that she likes those fuckers, and their heavy-handed, plodding, and juvenile attempts at philosophy."

Kellerman said that being a Creed fan, though, is not the worst of Mandy's aural excesses.

"I caught her singing along to a Third Eye Blind song the other day, and we had to have a serious talk," he said, shaking his head. "I find it difficult to envision a future in which my life partner is happy with formulaic college rock radio bands that would sell their underage sisters as prison sex slaves for a hit record."

Left: Nikki Sixx and company are "deal breakers"

A "moment of cold insight" happened for Kellerman this week when he witnessed Mandy tapping her toes to Mötley Crüe's 1980s hit "Girls, Girls, Girls."

"It was bad enough when she liked that maggoty, fake-devil album Dr. Feelgood by those low rent scumbags," he said. "Do you really think those cretins actually believe in that Satanic bullshit? They saw how Black Sabbath and Kiss used that imagery and made a calculating choice to incorporate it - soullessly - into the fecal remnants they call 'music.' Man, I got some real decisions to make."

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

Toledo native Anna Russo, 8, has the quintessential American childhood: her parents always put healthy food on the table, she loves to play baseball with the neighborhood kids past curfew, and she is constantly taught a sincere patriotism in her nation’s heritage.

This is why it came as a shock to the Russo family that Anna couldn’t recite a single line from "The Star-Spangled Banner" during a Toledo Mudhens game yesterday evening.

“My Anna has a gorgeous singing voice,” remarked a tearful Barbara Russo. “I just couldn’t believe she was stammering nonsense to herself, as if she’d never heard the song before. What are they teaching in the schools these days? How about some national pride?”

Anna’s older brother Jeff, 14, claims to know the real reason behind Anna’s botched recitation.

“Man, she’s been hanging out with that Mexican girl Juanita that moved in next door,” Jeff confidently proclaimed. “Give her another couple weeks, she won’t even know how to speak English. She’ll be eating tortillas and watching Telemundo all the time, mark my word.”

Sources seated next to the Russo family, who wished to remain anonymous, expressed "outrage" and "disgust" at the child's inability to sing the national anthem.

"But I bet she can tell you all about kids with lesbian parents," said one man. "I blame the schools, myself."

Left: Artist's rendition of the horror

(Toledo, OH) A night out to dinner for a Toledo couple went terribly wrong last Saturday.

While eating at an unnamed local restaurant, Regina Pratt felt something odd inside her mouth.

"I reached in and pulled out this curly hair," she said, removing the strand from a Ziploc bag. "It was dark, sinewy, and I thought I was going to chuck right then and there."

According to Pratt, there are only two possibilities of the hair's origin.

"I began to pray that there was a black cook working, but every employee in the place was white," she shuddered. "My stomach dropped; the only remaining explanation was too disgusting to even think about."

Left: Learning to cope and begin again

Pratt said that she is weighing her options.

"Part of me wants to sue the pants off that restaurant," she said. "But then again, maybe I don't want to know who the hair belongs to."

Pratt's husband Mark said that the event has "definitely strained" the couple's marriage.

"I find it difficult to kiss my wife now," he admitted. "It's kind of like an accidental infidelity. Guys have a tough time going where another man has been, you know what I mean? I love Gina, but at the same time I want to puke when I think about sticking my tongue in her mouth."

Left: In memory of a 'holy' event

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—Larry Simpson, a life-long Toledo resident, recently marked the site of his “massive Friday night whiz” with a Christian roadside marker to honor the hallowed nature of the event.

Simpson consumed approximately 13 pints of Budweiser at Jo-Jo’s Pizzeria on Monroe Street between the hours of 7 and 11 p.m., and his bladder ached at the very thought of release.

“Jesus, I thought I was gonna burst,” mumbled Simpson between drags from his Marlboro Light. “I tried to make it back to Bancroft Hills, but nature won out. Let’s just say I blessed the good soil with two liters of man-juice, and was compelled to commemorate the event.”

Winding up on the freeway, he staggered off and let everything flow. Simpson said that he felt that his experience "bordered on the sacred."

"I swear that I saw God that night," he said. "What transpired on the side of the road was visionary moment, a truly holy event. I had to get on my knees afterward, but I think that was probably because I had to barf, too."

Left: Scene of ultimate urinary event

Some Toledoans were offended, however, since they felt the cross cheapened several deaths from recent automobile accidents.

“This is an atrocious denigration of religious symbolism,” said Barbara Vera, a local parent who lost her only daughter in a horrific car crash. “We had to identify our Lauren by her dental records, and this fucker gets to celebrate his alcoholism? I’d punch him in the balls if I knew where he lived.”

Left: Closet processed meat lover Erickson

(Toledo, OH) Brittany Erickson has been a vegan for "a couple of years," but admits that she occasionally binges on a most unusual food choice.

"I just can't stop eating those little Vienna sausages," she admitted in an interview with Toledo Tales reporters. "If I see a can at a Mini-Mart, I am so screwed, because I will eat them until I puke."

Erickson sad that she feels "really dirty" after scarfing cans of the canned links.

"I have to go in the shower and scrub myself - hard. Then I gargle with mouthwash to get the taste out," she acknowledged. "Still, I really crave something about those musky, salty sausages, and I need help."

Left: Deceptively addictive, and safe for up to ten years

Her secret obsession remains hidden from her vegan friends, Erickson said.

"It's not like they would disown me or anything, but this isn't exactly something I want to broadcats, you know?" she asked. "We were at a PETA march last week, and I had to sneak off and buy a couple of cans of that stuff. God, I am sick."

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—After two months of foreboding silence, Rachel Halloway, 16, and her parents are back to their old selves thanks to their award-winning backyard garden in Ottawa Hills.

Sources close to the Halloways say that Rachel’s dating and car privileges were mysteriously cut off in February of this year, and her interracial relationship with a varsity baseball player was all but squashed.

“We’re so glad to have everything back to normal now,” regarded Tina Halloway, Rachel’s mother, who works as a consultant at a local accounting firm. “Did you know it was spring? Everything blooms and buds this time of year. Everything except our daughter, of course—she’s still a virgin, and just lost about ten pounds.”

Left: Smile, and forget

Rachel’s father Thomas shared his wife’s seasonal reinvigoration.

“I love the outdoors, especially the patch of earth behind our big oak,” beamed Mr. Halloway. “Sometimes late at night I go shovel the earth just for the fun of it, and think about Rachel going to an Ivy League school. And wearing size 4 jeans. No pudge on my girl, no sir.”

Left: Not to be deterred

(Toledo, OH) Despite temperatures in the high 90s, Toledoan Kevin Saunders insisted on operating his lawn mower. He believes the "Ozone Action Day" declaration is "a bunch of horseshit" and "al-Qaeda propaganda."

"Let's face it - well-manicured lawns are part of the American dream," he said, pausing to wipe his brow and sip a Bud Light. "If we start letting our lawns go to hell, the terrorists have already won."

Saunders believes that oil-producing countries have worked with environmentalists to create the global warming "hooey."

"Oh yeah - they are all in bed together. It's a regular menage-a-twat," he said. "First they get us afraid of the Al Gore bullshit, and then they have us by the short hairs. Pretty soon we'll all be slaves to some guy named Mahmoud."

Left: Some other sucker might become an Allah-head, but not Saunders

The solution, said Saunders, is to do the exact opposite of Action Day recommendations.

"I'm filling up my SUV during daylight and firing up the charcoal grill at 2:00 in the afternoon," he smiled. "I even douse the coals with extra lighter fluid just to piss off old Osama. I'll be goddamned if this red-blooded American is going to bow down to Mecca."

Left: Hartnett and Miller speak out

(Toledo, OH) Angered by the policies of restaurants such as McDonald’s that provide play areas, local children organized a protest against what they call “really doody-head rules at those places.”

One of the movement’s leaders is 9-year old Stephen Harnett of Sylvania.

“I was at McDonald’s last week, and this manager made me get off the slide because I was barefoot,” he said. “I mean, come on. I took a bath last Friday. He’s the one who stinks!”

Several of the other protestors agreed with Harnett’s assessment, and offered passersby an opportunity to verify that their shoes and feet were odor-free.

“Yeah, that guy smells like rotten cheese,” said Tommy Miller, 8. “When he told me to leave, I said: ‘Trick or treat, smell my feet, if you die, you’ll know why!”

Contacted by Toledo Tales, McDonald’s representative Karen Hastings said that the rules are in place “to protect the health and safety of our patrons.”

Harnett said that the corporate concerns were misplaced.

“If they want to protect the safety of their patrons, then they should stop serving nasty worm burgers,” he said. “And they should stop wiping their butts on the buns.”

Miller added: “Yeah, and they should stop picking their noses and wiping the boogers on the Chicken Nuggets.”