Toledo Tales

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

RIP: Awesome man-pad, 2003-2007

Jim Kensington thought there would be no greater feeling when, after two hellish weeks in Toronto on a business trip, he could return and relish three consecutive days off from work with his loving wife Rebecca of four years.

But Kensington was shocked beyond words when he discovered how his wife had spent her time alone: she overhauled his über-masculine basement retreat into a wussy, pussified den.

“The wet bar, the dart board — even my fucking pool table — they’re all gone,” Kensington remarked after taking his third shot in as many minutes at an undisclosed dive-bar near his West Toledo home. “Now I gotta come to this crap-hole just to get some peace from the missus. Why would she think I’d like potpourri and ‘pastel-toned scented candles’? Jesus, this blows.”

The new "faggery daggery doo" den

In her ignorance, Mrs. Kensington sincerely thought her chic renovations would impress her globe-trotting hubby.

“I swear, I thought he’d love it,” Kensington sobbed as held a handkerchief against her full, ruby lips and swayed. “Jim hinted lately that he was thinking about having kids—how the hell did I know he’d have an aneurism just because I donated his favorite stuff to Goodwill? Besides,” she added logically, calming herself a bit: “He only paid $1800 for that pool table, and it had a nick on one corner, so it’s not like it was worth anything.”

Labels: home renovations, man-pad

When you are down on your luck with relationships, it is a good idea to try a new method for finding the right person.

For Subcomandante Bob, this once involved visiting the rec room of a senior center. Lots of possibilities, but Bob was never much of a fan for shuffleboard.

For those of you with actual lives, though, consider the concept of online dating. One reputable firm is JustSayHi.com, which has some terrific people just waiting to meet you. You can meet thousands of fun, attractive, men and women in your area on their totally FREE online dating site. No gimmicks, no tricks, and no Subcomandante Bobs. This was a sponsored post.

Guest editorial by Scott Pelham, thinker of scams

I was walking downtown the other day and I saw this, like, blind dude out in front of the bank. He had a shoebox in front of him, and people were just filling that thing with cash, dude.

You know, if I had a blind guy's white cane, I could totally clean up.

You could drop me off at the mall or at Kroger's or even in front of WalMart. It doesn't matter, as long as there's people. I will be the most pathetic-looking blind dude ever, and people will throw so much money at us frigging dump truck to haul that shit away.

I bet we could clear $100 an hour or more.

Better yet - I could use the cane on even days, and you could use it on odds. That way there'd be less chances someone would recognize us, and start up a conversation, and do one of those hand-flick things to see if we really were blind.

And if that doesn't work, dude, we should get a bunch of those "I'm a Deaf Guy" pamphlets and hit all the stores and shove them in people's faces and go "mmmmppph-uggggh-errrrrrrr" or some shit. I bet we could make a couple grand, easy, pretending to be deaf.

I got a million ideas; I'm like the Albert Edison of inventing ways to make money and shit.

Labels: blind, scams, white cane

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By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

Wilson in a rare moment of clothed professionalism

Gail Wilson, the lone receptionist for Metal Management—one of the Toledo area’s most prominent metal recyclers—has, by most accounts, a “boring-ass job.”

So it is no surprise, then, that the voluptuous Wilson spends most of her days photocopying various parts of her naked body, often contorting her limbs in awkward, yet sensuous, poses.

“Billy, let me level with ya,” Wilson remarked while taking a long, luxurious drag off of a Virginia Slim. “Most days this place is deader than a Louisiana nursing home after Katrina. In fact, I’m not even sure how we stay in business. Who the fuck recycles copper wire? If I didn’t Xerox these bodacious ta-ta’s, I’d go out of my mind.”

When asked if she feared the reprisal of lower management if ever caught in the act—or worse, egregious sexual advances from a male colleague—Wilson seemed perfectly confident in her ability to defend her honor.

“Most of the old bastards around here couldn’t get it up even if a Playboy playmate spoon-fed their wrinkled asses a whole bottle of Viagra,” Wilson cackled. “Besides, I have some dignity. Just because I'm a hot MILF who likes to make avant-garde collages from photocopies of her cooch doesn’t mean I sleep around.”

Labels: MILF, naughty bits, Toledo, Xerox

By Banfu T. Burnside, Toledo Tales contributing editor

"Not again," whined Todd Sarnac to his dining companions yesterday evening. "God, they always frigging do this to me."

Sarnac was once more unhappy with the portions he was given while dining at the Monroe Street Applebee's Restaurant. According to his friends, it is a frequently reoccurring issue.

"We go to this place at least twice a month, and every time, Todd kirks-out when he sees his plate," said Cal Sanders, one of Sarnac's closest friends. "His hands shake, he starts rocking in his chair - it's pretty scary, really, like he's having epidermal fit or something, I don't know."

Witnesses said that Sarnac was intent on making his displeasure known throughout the entire restaurant.

"That guy was so loud," noted casual diner Wendy Durbin. "Apparently the guy only got fourteen french fries with his order of Honey Blasted Ribs. And every time he ate one, he'd count them out loud so everybody would know how many he had left."

Sarnac's tactics were not unfamiliar to the waitstaff.

"Yeah, the 'fry-counter guy' comes in every few weeks," said Darlene Tommlins, shift manager. "At this point, I think the cooks intentionally short him fries just to see him squirm."

Aside from the portioning of his sides, which Sarnac labeled "totally criminal and bogus," he admits that he enjoys the Applebee's dining experience.

"It's got a great atmosphere," he said. "And they were playing the Doobie Brothers, so I'll probably go back the next time somebody suggests it. But I'm not letting that waitress leave until I make sure they didn't screw me again."

Labels: Applebee's, ribs, Toledo

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

Evans endures the rigors of training

Chip “Nutcracker” Evans, a Toledo-area squirrel, recently became the first non-human in the city’s history to register for a marathon earlier this week.

“I didn’t register for the glory, I just wanted to bring attention to a good cause,” remarked a stern Evans while calmly stretching his hamstrings. “I thought the press would be a great boon—after all, Restless Leg Syndrome is a savage disorder, and most people don’t even know it exists. My sister Bertha has that shit, man. I want to see a cure in her lifetime.”

However, Evans decision has caused a massive stir among Toledo’s elite running community, and has raised some serious questions about exclusivist policies and discrimination, even though his sole intent was to help raise funds for medical research.

“It was clear from the very beginning they didn’t want me to involved,” Evans huffed. “They read the race waiver to me aloud twice, making sure I heard the injury clause, and then acted really pissed when I told them I wore a size XXXXXS t-shirt. How can you offer commemorative race shirts if you only have three sizes?”

Evans competing in the Bangalore International Marathon

Thankfully, Evans has mounted considerable support among younger runners, who are supporting his humble usurpation of the status quo.

“It’s just like that movie Rudy, where the underdog has to fight for acceptance and respect,” proposed John Stark, a University of Toledo junior and track star. “Except that guy was like, pudgy and Jewish, and it was about football n’ shit, and this is about a squirrel running a marathon. Otherwise, the similarities are shocking.”

Labels: marathon, squirrels, Toledo

A Toledo Tales Special Report

By Feckless Freddie

(Toledo, OH) Despite the presence of criminals, greedy CEOs, and sleazy politicians, absolutely nothing happened in Toledo today, and local residents expressed "surprise" that the city was so dull.

"I didn't even hear any sirens today," remarked Greg Ostermann, of Logan Street. "And my idiot drunken neighbor hasn't stirred, or even kicked his dog Bongo in the head. Something must be up."

Local dope dealers reported an unusually uneventful day.

"None of my regulars tried to stiff me, and none of them called back to say I shorted them a gram," said street level pharmaceuticals rep "Piper." "And none of my guys got hassled by the cops or other drug gangs. This ain't normal."

Nothing happening here

Not all Toledoans, however, were happy with the lack of anything happening in town.

"This sucks," said 17-year-old Raymond Tuttle, adding that nothing happened at Rogers High School today, either. "If something doesn't happen around here soon, me and Kyle and Booger are going to shoot some streetlights or roll a wino. It ain't right that nothing should happen in this goddamned city."

Labels: Toledo, Toledo news

Subcomandante Bob loves to sing in front of people, though he sometimes is in an altered state of consciousness, and song lyrics get replaced by a series of grunts and unintelligible sounds.

Thousands of other people, though, have waited in the rain for a chance to get their voice heard, and the time has come for a dry, safe and comfortable place for you to get a shot at fame: your own house!

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Left: Greisbach will not be kept down

(Toledo, OH) The true measure of a man is not how many times he has been knocked down, but how often he managed to get back up.

No one knows this better then Start High School thumb wrestler Aaron Greisbach. The junior athlete, who has won 47 straight matches against homeroom opponents, said that he has "too much to lose" by letting injuries stop him.

"As the season went on I began to build more confidence. The weekend that solidified that for me was when I was ranked one of the top thumb heavyweights in the nation," Greisbach said, doing some thumb exercises before today's matches. "I have come too far to quit, even with a serious injury like this."

Greisbach said that the moment he first felt the hangnail he began to panic, but his "inner resolve" kept him focused in his victories this afternoon.

"It wasn't a disaster for my season, but it was frustrating to have to wear a bandaid and not be able to stay in peak shape," he admitted. "I like to play aggressive and make sure my opponents are more tired than I am. In the back of my mind, I'm always asking myself: 'Am I doing as much as my opponents to win a championship?' Well, yes sir, I am."

Greisbach in a match with fellow student in study hall

Greisbach had to wear tape on his thumb and a brace on his hand in the week since the hangnail first appeared. Prior to today's match, he hadn't done any live thumb wrestling for two weeks.

"But as soon as you step into class, you've got to forget about everything, even the pain," he said, wincing at the memory. "You run into some obstacles sometimes, but you have to work through them. What makes you stronger is how you handle those obstacles, because if the road was always smooth, anybody could thumb wrestle. Most of all, though, my faith has helped me to keep a positive attitude and get back in the game, man."

Labels: adversity, athletes, thumb wrestling, thumbs

When Subcomandante Bob goes through phases of responsibility, he likes to spend time remodeling his home. These phases, of course, are few and far between, but don't let Bob be a negative role model for you.

ShopPremier.com offers quite a variety of home lighting fixtures with which you can dress up the old homestead. In addition to light fixtures, check out ShopPremier.com for ideas on kitchen lighting and home and garden lighting. This was a sponsored post.

By Billy Pilgrim, Former Lapdance Connoisseur and Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

Left: Curtis and Liz during happier times

Curtis Townsend seriously considered ending his five-year relationship with fiancée Liz Dorsey earlier today as he rummaged through messy piles of underwear and bras at Victoria’s Secret, located at the Westfield Shopping Center in Toledo.

Though Townsend has felt open contempt for his future-wife during previous marathon shopping sprees, never before has it struck so deeply at the core of his being.

“God, I fucking hate this,” Townsend vented as he sifted through a row of lacy thongs. “If I go conservative, she’ll think I shopped last minute, and if I go risqué, she’ll never wear it. Plus, Liz gained like, six or seven pounds this year. Maybe I should ask for the ring back tonight at dinner.”

Townsend admitted that the lingerie models "confused" his already-muddled mind

According to Townsend’s close friends, his aversion to Ms. Dorsey has grown immensely in recent weeks, leaving many “dropped” cellular calls and canceled dates in its wake.

“Townie’s a dog, straight up,” revealed Tim Buck, a former roommate and college chum. “We went to Nick & Jimmy’s last Friday, and he faked static and broken reception just to get off the phone with her. If they make it past Easter, I’ll slam my balls in a desk drawer.”

Labels: breakups, lingerie, Toledo

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Rear end hair growth no laughing matter for one man

(Toledo, OH) Local resident Brent Kosmaty said that he "doesn't understand" how body hair has become such a turnoff for women.

"I grew up in an era when hair was a sign of masculinity," he complained to Toledo Tales reporters. "Now it seems like women want nothing more than a bunch of hairless sissyboys. Did I miss something?"

The 38-year-old Kosmaty said that the women he's dated in recent months have all expressed disgust with male body hair.

"One woman I went home with actually stopped before we had sex when she caught a look at my ass," he said, acknowledging that his "gorilla-like" body hair is not for every woman. "She tried to play it off like she was just remembered she was supposed to pick up her friend's kid from daycare, but hell - it was 10 o'clock at night."

Kosmaty living a life of unshorn solitude

Kosmaty said that he will continue to look for a women for whom body hair is not a problem.

"Look - I've tried the waxes, creams, and razors. This stuff grows faster than a casino bar tab," he said. "I just have to accept who I am. Hell, even in eighth grade they were calling me Sasquatch, and that's before I started growing hair on my elbows."

Labels: hair growth, hairy ass, Sasquatch

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

The Twin Towers in all of their non-currency glory

Toledo native Derek Fishman, 34, was overwhelmed one evening last month when he saw a late-night television advertisement for a coin commemorating the horrific 9/11 attacks. Fishman was so moved, in fact, that he promptly ordered several of the coins, despite his mounting debt and current unemployment status.

So it was a tragic moment indeed when Fishman received his coins earlier today, only to discover that they were not legal tender, and were just another trinket capitalizing on the pathos of human tragedy.

“I can’t fucking believe these coins aren’t real money,” Fishman huffed as he lit his third consecutive Marlboro Light. “I mean, when I saw the bald eagle and flippy towers n’ shit, I was totally blown away they were only $29.95. I planned to buy a ton of ‘em for [my daughter] Grace’s college fund. Now all she has to look forward to are 12-hour days of drywall with her old man.”

In retrospect, though, Fishman recalls a few nuances in the commercial that seemed questionable.

“When they used that phrase ‘non-circulating’ for the third goddamn time, maybe it should’ve tipped me off,” he grunted. “But man, I’d had 7 or 8 cans of Bud, it was after a long week of shoveling snow for gas money, and I just thought it meant these coins were, you know, too good for vending machines n’ shit.”

Grace Fishman: The next Van Gogh?

Despite her father’s uninformed investment, Grace, age 9, is taking her swiftly-diminishing collegiate aspirations in stride.

“Daddy drinks a lot,” Grace noted while shading another disturbing portrait of her family. “Sometimes I cry ‘cause of the nightmares. Someday I’m going to sell all my drawings for a kagillion dollars and buy a pony and ride it to grandpa’s house.”

Labels: 9/11, Commemorative 9/11 Coin, Toledo

Guest editorial by Hank Freeman, angry spouse

Babe, we have a lot of problems, true dat. And I know you don't like having to wear sunglasses all the time to cover up your black eyes. Lord knows I don't need to crack any more metacarpals on the side of your head.

So: if you'd just shut your hole, things would be better, and I wouldn't have to hit your ass.

This seems counterintuitive, I know. That's because you've been listening to a bunch of politically-correct lesbian feminists who fill your head full of nonsense. I really ought to smack the shit out of them, but you're all I've got, Babe.

And, let's face facts: thinking has never been your strong suit. Thinking gets people like you hurt. Bad. So if you don't like pain, don't think. You know, if those Pavlovian dogs can make this connection, there's hope for you, too.

So just shut your hole, OK, Babe? It's better for both of us. And - while we're on the subject - shut the hell up about my crystal meth, too. You know nothing gets me more tense than a bunch of nagging about something that's not really a problem.

Labels: domestic violence, meth, pain

Subcomandante Bob loves credit cards, but credit card companies do not love Subcomandante Bob. There was once a point in his life where Bob was an upstanding citizen, paid his bills on time, and had a credit rating higher than that goofy guy on those commercials.

Not any more.

If you, unlike Bob, have some semblance of respectability, be sure to check out CardGuide.co.uk. They have some terrific information on balance transfers for those of you shopping for a better card.

This is an excellent site in which to compare credit cards , and you can also find out about some excellent 0% credit cards to save eben more money.

You can also follow this link to apply for credit cards online. This is a sponsored post, for which Bob is especially thankful.

(Toledo, OH) A local canine interviewed by Toledo Tales is "shocked" at the amount of fecal matter in the backyard.

Hopper, a black-and-white dog of multiple ancestries, also insists that he is not to blame for the excessive piles.

"Hey man - I couldn't crap that much in a hundred years," he said, shaking his head. "No way you people are blaming all of that on me."

The recent melting of accumulated snows exposed hundreds of suspicious brown lumps in the yard. Hopper said that he has some ideas about the culprits.

"I'm pretty sure there's a rogue gang of Dachshunds in this neighborhood," he mused. "They're not very big, but those little weiner dogs can really crank out a log."

Hopper said that he resents being made the "scapedog" for the accumulated turds.

"I hear you people in the house, with your "goddamned dog has GOT to go" and your "EWWWW! Hopper smells like dookie!' Don't think these canine ears are going soft," he said, scratching his neck. "And let's be honest - if I really WANTED to fill the yard with crap, you ain't seen nothing yet, pal. I could spread the shit from fence to fence if I wanted."

Labels: crap, dog crap, Dogs, poop

Subcomandante Bob pines away and hopes of patching things up with his one true love, Cameron Diaz. They were once an item, but Bob's insensitivity and tendency to wake up mornings face down on the lawn were thorns in this relationship.

Bob, thus, dreams of one more date with Cameron Diaz, perhaps at a swanky Ventura restaurant overlooking the Pacific Ocean. There, Bob would try to make right with Cameron.

If you are looking for a sugar daddy, don't look to Bob. Instead, check out Sugardaddyforme.com, which is a website for men who love to spoil and pamper their woman and for women who love to be spoiled and pampered and to spoil and pamper their man.

Follow this link to find your sugar daddy or sugar mama. This was a sponsored post.

Left: An empty toilet paper dispenser sparked the workplace violence

(Toledo, OH) Frustrated by what he called "years of inconsiderate twits" at his workplace, Toledo resident Kevin Herrington lashed out at coworkers on Saturday, injuring four of his coworkers.

Herrington said that "snapped" when he reached for the bathroom tissue and found that the last bathroom user failed to replace the empty roll at the restroom of the General Motors Hydromatic facility on Alexis Road. Police charged him with four counts of misdemeanor assault.

"I had a bad case of the runs, so I didn't stop to check if there was TP in the stall," the UAW member told Toledo Tales reporters after being released on $10,000 bond. "After blasting out a double dose of trouser chili, I noticed that there was no goddamned toilet paper."

Herrington must complete an anger management course in addition to any court-imposed fines

Making matters worse, said Herrington, none of the other nearby stalls had paper, either, forcing him to have to develop an alternate plan to handle the excessive brownie batter hanging from his posterior.

"So I'm dancing around, hot chocolate dripping from my ass, and nothing to wipe with," he recalled, lighting up a cigarette after his brief period of detention in the Lucas County Jail. "I had to pull some dirty hand towels out of the trash can to get cleaned up. Man, I was fucking fuming when I walked out of the can."

Left: Herrington's emergency ass stash

Coworkers who witnessed the half-naked Herrington in the men's room after his ill-fated bowl painting were the targets of his fury, he added.

"There's a whole group of them fuckers standing outside the bathroom, laughing when I walked out," he said of his victims. "So I grabbed a couple of fistfuls of 18-8 machine screws and started pegging those pricks. Yeah, I shouldn't have hit them with the screws, but did any one of them help me out when I was dying in the can? They're monsters, that's what they are."

Labels: diarrhea, roll rage, toilet paper, UAW

(Sylvania, OH) Phillip Obertacz has seen many things in his 84 years on this planet, but there is at least one item that has eluded him.

"I want my goddamn 15 minutes of fame," he told Toledo Tales reporters yesterday. "Every other Tom, Dick, and Paris got theirs. Where the hell is my 15 minutes? That's what I want to know. But you want to know something else? That cancer is a killer. My uncle Bobo had five operations. Didn't do a damn thing for him. If they tell you, you have cancer, you might as well pack your bags."

Obertacz said that the closest he ever came to his 15 minutes of fame occurred in 1977.

"I was living in Queens, and my flat was a block away from where that crazy Son of Sam shooter killed some poor girl," he said, pouring hot water into a tea cup. "Had I been outside that night, I might have stopped that lunatic sonofabitch from killing her, and been a hero. I was still pretty quick on my feet back then, and knew my way around a gym, yes sir. Why, I once held the chin-ups record at PS 121, what they used to call the Throop School. 114 chin-ups, and not those bent arm deals, but real chin-ups. But did anyone from the Times ever call me? Nope."

Obertacz in a 1938 photo, back when fame was not an elusive, fickle vixen

Unfortunately, said Obertacz, his options for attaining fame are dwindling.

"I had a colostomy done back in 1996 because my bowels were not functioning without the use of strong laxatives. Turns out I had a tumor the size of a goddamn grapefruit," said the retired ironworker, sipping his tea. "So the clock's ticking here. When I lived in Brooklyn I was in a brownstone, in a room on the third floor, for $25 a week. Twenty-five dollars. Imagine that! These days you can't even get a cheap hooker for that kind of money, and then she gets all nervous and shrieking about the colostomy bag. Listen, Fame? Hurry your ass up - that's all I gotta say."

Labels: fame, old folks

Subcomandante Bob realizes that most people just want someone to hold at night, someone to grow old with, and someone, well, unlike Bob, whose idea of commitment extends about to the end of the bottle of Stolichnaya.

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This was a sponsored post, for which Bob is especially thankful. Perhaps some day he'll meet a single mom to make an honest man out of him.

Left: United and committed to change

(Toledo, OH) The five members of the Toledo-area Workers' Solidarity Collective said that they are excited about the launch of a springtime "consciousness-raising campaign."

"2007 will go down in history as the year in which the elimination of poverty and violence becomes seen as an attainable goal, by encouraging nation-states to harmonize their legal apparatuses," said Mitch Bednarski, a member of the group. "The world cannot survive many more decades of rule by violent gangs of armed males calling themselves governments. The situation is insanely suicidal, and we in Toledo will be lynchpins in sparking the Revolution, although maybe we shouldn't use the word 'lynch,' since it carries such obvious connotations of the post-Reconstruction South, or the word 'pin,' since it is such a glaring reference to the penetrating phallus."

Bednarski said that the group plans to "take the fight to the streets" with some innovative programs this spring.

"We have some awesome letter writing and petition campaigns, solidarity meetings, film screenings and tours by visiting activists," he said, licking stamps on some Earth-friendly, biodegradable envelopes. "Only those who rise up against capitalist, patriarchal authority with a fully developed revolutionary consciousness, and who are moved by the clear values of equality and freedom and endowed with an immaculate ethic are the true revolutionary vanguard. Not like Kyle, who took off with the $100 we raised for 'Food Not Bombs' and blew it on a sheet of acid. That was totally unrevolutionary-like."

Raising the wrong kind of consciousness

The group; however, is struggling with one "major structural barrier," said Bednarski.

"A motion was put forward in committee last week for the Collective to start issuing ID cards," he said, scratching the back of his neck. "At first Sheila said that only fucking cops demand IDs, since the pigs need to know who to watch in order to protect the social order, but I think it might be kind of cool to have, like, matching IDs and T-shirts. But the rest of the committee said I was a bourgeois wanker, and we dropped the question. But I still think we could get some matching hemp hats or something."

Labels: anarcho-feminism, Toledo, Workers' Solidarity Collective

Ah, New York. The Big Apple, the City that Never Sleeps, one of the places that Subcomandante Bob loves best in this good old US of A, although some of the magistrates in said city might prefer that Bob never returns.

Barry over at Barry's Blog has some words about NYC. If you plan to Visit New York any time soon, be sure to check out the article. He details some of the wide range of activities that await travelers to New York. This was a sponsored post, for which Bob bows to his unseen benefactor.

Labels: New York

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

Ulster endures the pang of being a middle-class white woman

(Toledo, OH)—University of Toledo sophomore Tina Ulster is, by all accounts, a maladjusted college student. She bemoans almost every aspect of her material existence, and is so chronically depressive most days that she can hardly bring herself to complete the simplest of tasks, such as laundry and homework.

So when her Spring Break plans to stay on-campus were thwarted by her own failure to submit the proper paperwork on time, she was horrified to learn she would spend her week-long furlough with her loving and supportive parents.

“I fucking hate those posers,” Ulster huffed while lazily watching a repeat episode of The Real World on her dorm futon. “A few weeks ago, [my boyfriend] Vertigo and I got really stoned and tried to put a Wiccan curse on them with the Ouija board, but I don’t think it worked. I mean, dad didn’t die from The Thousand Cries of Suffering, so maybe we read the directions wrong.”

For their part, Ulster’s parents have done their best to help their daughter through her incessant teenage resistance to their affection.

“We’ve offered therapy, church counseling, hell—we even told her that creep Vertigo could stay here for Spring Break too, as long as he sleeps on the couch,” her father Chris explained. “It’s as if she’s rewritten her own 19-year existence to involve domestic abuse and neglect. This from the girl who was still taking ballet lessons her senior year of high school.”

Left: The Ulsters, before Tina was struck down by the weight of her meaningless life

Ulster’s mother Rita can’t help but wonder if the pressures of college life haven’t been the ultimate catalyst for her personality change.

“I noticed it the first time we visited her on campus—the dark clothes, the heavy eyeliner,” Mrs. Ulster sighed. “I don’t know what kind of garbage that creep Vertigo is feeding her, but it’s pretty bad when my little girl can’t stand the idea of a few days at home. And if she’s so goddamned depressed now, let’s see how she likes it when I take the keys to her Camry.”

Labels: Goth, Goth chick, University of Toledo

Subcomandante Bob has never had a great deal of success with long-term relationships. He tells himself that it's really a matter of meeting the right woman, but - truth be told - most of the women Bob meets have a problem with a guy who stays perpetually drunk.

And the ones who are OK with constant inebriation are usually wrecks themselves.

If you, unlike Bob, are a decent guy who wants to meet a great woman, check out the women on Lovers Planet. Many men have found Russian Brides through this type of service, and Lovers Planet offers free ads of beautiful Russian Brides as well as profiles of single Russian women seeking men online for love, dating, romance and marriage.

The website features a “Members Online” section, as well as a list of Top 100 prospects ranked by popularity. The top Russian Brides are ranked by the number of times their profile and photos have been viewed. This is a sponsored post, but Bob thinks that there are some great possibilities with Russian women. Best of all, they know their Stolichnaya from their Smirnoff.

(Toledo, OH) Toledo couple Richard and Greta Carmody have found that the secret to relationship longevity is found in an unusual source: intoxicants.

"Pretty simple - Greta doesn't give me any shit about doing what I do," said Richard, knocking back a triple shot of Captain Morgan. "She gives me space, and stays the hell out of stuff that really isn't any of her goddamn business. Am I right?"

Greta said that she enjoys reading, knitting, and watching television.

"I really like that show 'House,' with that crazy Doctor Greg," she said, eyeing husband Richard as he downed a couple of Vicodin. "Sometimes Richard watches it with me, don't you, Richard? Do you need some ice, sweetie?"

Captain Morgan, bringing people together and getting some of them drunk since 1944

Grunting in the kitchen, Richard seemed oblivious to his wife's comments in his effort to find another bottle of rum. Greta told Toledo Tales reporters that she "totally understands" what Richard has been going through.

"Since he lost his job at Jeep, he's been under a lot of stress," she said of Richard's 2002 firing. "And he's having trouble sleeping, too, so I try not to be a sourpuss."

Ultimately, though, Greta just knows what the limits are, said Richard.

"She almost never crosses the line, you know?" he asked, opening a pint of his favorite spiced liquor. "And when she does, let's just say that she jumps back on the right side real quick."

Labels: Captain Morgan, dysfunctional relationships

Subcomandante Bob is all about saving money, since he has so little of it available on any given day. He is also excited about online shopping, especially when he can stick it to the man by buying direct from the manufacturer.

That's why Bob was intrigued by the premise behind CouponChief.com, an online company that provides coupons, specials, and discounts from major retailers and manufacturers. As a connoisseur of wines Bob was excited to see the deals from My Wines Direct. There's nothing better than getting a nice bottle of wine in the mail, except maybe for getting a check for a million dollars in the mail.

Or take a look at the HP deals from the HP Home Store. Why spend top dollar for printers and other accessories when you can order them online and save money with CouponChief.com? C'mon, Bubba - THINK! The more you save, the more you'll have left over to buy a pair of those fake testicles to hang from the back of your pickup truck. Sheesh - does Bob have to do all the thinking around here?

This, by the way, was a sponsored post, for which Bob will be eternally grateful.

Gilead: Not amused

(Toledo, OH) Marc Gilead says that he has long been a fan of the original Star Trek series, but there are limits to his willingness to continue to hear his friend Jason Wright drop references to the show in conversation.

In particular, said Gilead, Wright's insistence on using the catch phrase "Kirk to Enterprise" whenever he answers his flip phone is beginning to strain their friendship.

"Sure, the first couple of times Jason did it was kind of funny," Gilead told Toledo Tales reporters. "But this has been going on for, like, six months now."

The "kicker," according to Gilead, happened when he was trying to call Wright for a ride to work when his transmission blew last week.

"So he picks up and answers with his Kirk bit," he said, clearly irritated at the memory. "And he won't continue the conversation until I talk like [Enterprise chief engineer] Scotty - he just keeps going: 'Scotty, do you read me? Scotty, do you read me?' until I break down and tell him: 'I'm a givin' her all she's got Cap'n. If I give her anymore she's gonna bloooow.' That's just wrong - I was ten minutes late for work because of him."

Gilead: "It's a fucking phone, dude, and you are not Kirk"

Wright's Star Trek obsession is beginning to take over all phases of his friend's life, said Gilead.

"We were in Speedway the other day, and he asked the chick behind the counter for $10 worth of 'Dilithium Crystals' on Pump 3," he said, shaking his head. "The dude is not well."

Labels: flip phone, Kirk to Enterprise, Star Trek