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Horoscopes by the Mystical Farood

A semi-regular feature at Toledo Tales

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)-You will meet a mysterious stranger in an elevator. Then you will belch, and the moment will be forever gone.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)-The assistant manager of the Stop-n-Rob where you work makes a pass at you, but you don’t find acne rosea very attractive.

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)-While eating Captain Crunch Crunch Berries ®, you taste something salty. You realize that you are chewing on human flesh. Why it would be in your cereal bowl is anyone’s guess.

Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)- As you sit in your efficiency apartment plotting world domination, you realize that you need at least a BA to get hired by the United Nations. You boldly register for that 1000 level Psych course that has been your undoing twice in the past.

Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)-The astrological sign says it all, pal. Go out and live; you’ve only got a couple of months left.

Leo (Jul 23- Aug 22) - You rifle through the medicine cabinet at a party and find an anti-viral shingles medication. ‘What the hell,’ you think, and wash a few down with some beer.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22) – You realize that you have on one beige and one black sock. You play it off smooth, arguing that this is all the rage in Poughkeepsie. No one is buying it, though.

Libra (Sept 23–Oct 22) – On the way to class, you see a sign that says “Stop.” ‘No way,’ you smile. ‘The man is not telling this cat how to live!’

Scorpio (Oct 23–Nov 21) -You re-label your all your Crayons to be politically correct. ‘Yellow’ becomes ‘Asian,’ and ‘Red’ becomes ‘Fucking Communist.’ Hey, we won the Cold War, right? USA! USA!

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21) While surfing for online porno at the library, you realize that some nine-year olds are looking over your shoulder. You tell them to beat it, and then smirk at the witty double entendre you have just created.

Capricorn (Dec 22–Jan 19) – You get on a crowded bus with a Tupperware container labeled ‘body parts.’ You hope someone will say: ‘Are those really body parts?’ whereupon you plan to chuckle and show them it’s only goulash. No one takes the bait, though.

Aquarius (Jan 20–Feb 18) – You decide to volunteer at the homeless shelter downtown. ‘Just a volunteer,’ you cheerily say to the guy at the door. ‘No cot for me!’ you say to no one in particular. You spend the morning helping a man named Mookie fill out car wash applications, and feel good about yourself. Yes sir, this is truly a land of opportunity.

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Bob Checks Out LemonFree.com

There have been a few times in Subcomandante Bob's life when he has been burned in the process of buying a used car, and Bob has learned the importance of dealing with reputable sources.

One such destination for quality Used Cars is LemonFree.com. You can search by make, model, year, or location for the right vehicle. Listings are free, and you can post up to ten pictures of your car.

Bob was checking out the listings for a quality Toyota Camry and a decent Honda Accord. He hopes to use the proceeds from sponsored posts like this to get a set of wheels, as taking the TARTA bus is getting old.


Wedding Planner Wonders When His Prince Will Come

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

DeKuntz: Heartbroken and mustachioed

(Toledo, OH) Stefan DeKuntz, one of the premiere wedding planners in the greater Toledo area, recently celebrated the flawless execution of his 100th ceremony-and-reception marriage combo.

However, the landmark event only left DeKuntz withdrawn and depressed, since at 48, the planner is growing increasingly mournful that the “love of his life” has yet to appear.

“Always a bride’s fag, never a bride,” huffed a dejected DeKuntz while smoking a Virginia Slim outside his favorite coffee haunt. “You’d think between Toledo and Detroit there’d be some butch to sweep this old queen off his feet, but for the past few years it’s been an endless sea of techno clubs and Zima.”

DeKuntz has reportedly attempted to meet single gay men at some of the weddings he produces, but that such exchanges have been fleeting at best.

“There was one busboy back in ’03—Pablo, he called himself,” DeKuntz beamed with a wry grin. “I suppose ‘called himself’ is a bit of an overstatement, though, since all he said was ‘me Pablo, you cock.’ Next thing I knew, we were 69-ing in the back seat of a Caprice while the bride and groom cut the cake. Mercy!”

"Pablo," resplendent in chipotle, cilantro, and busboy chic

And while he has not completely surrendered to a resigned solitude, DeKuntz feels that his chance for true romance withers with the setting sun of each passing day.

“Time was when an encounter at a bus station glory hole would cheer me up for weeks,” DeKuntz reflected while dabbing his eyes with a freshly starched handkerchief. “But now, not even a midnight handjob from a bi-curious 14-year-old in the men's room of the shelter house at Swan Creek Park can brighten my spirits.”

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Bob Recommends Cisco Systems for Network Security

Subcomandante Bob's laptop once got infected with a nasty worm that ate through his hard drive like a rabid rat through a 20-pound block of Muenster cheese. That was, of course, before Ray-Ray at the homeless shelter swiped said machine and exchanged it for $20 worth of an illegal substance, but Bob digresses.

The point here is not drug-addicted homeless thugs, but rather secure networking. Cisco Systems can help you integrate your security systems to prevent such electronic threats from destroying your networks and databases.

The Cisco data centre provides a framework and range of solutions that addresses the evolving role of your own data facilities, and allows you to effectively align your IT resources with the priorities of your business.

And believe Bob - there are much greater threats to the integrity of your network than guys like Ray-Ray. This was a sponsored post, but be sure to check out the network security options offered by Cisco Systems.

Cavemen Angry About Indian Claims to North Bass Island

(North Bass Island, Ohio) Local cavemen took to the streets today to protest claims by another indigenous group to North Bass Island.

"We were here at least ten thousand years before the Ottawa," said Grokk, a spokeman for the group. "If anyone should get it, it's us."

The Ottawa, a Native American group that has been fighting for fishing rights on the Lake Erie island, now demands ownership of the 677 acre island. Grokk took issue with their claims.

"The Ottawa occupied the island for only a century or two," he said, beating a piece of quartz with a rock. "My ancestors lived on that island for thousands of years."

Based on interpretations of two treaties from the early 1800s, the Ottawa Tribe of Oklahoma claims that it should have the entire island. Grokk and other cavemen disagree, and have other plans.

"We would like the US to cede title to us so that we can make a prehistoric game preserve," he said. "We will stock it with woolly mammoths and other exotic big game. We think that we have the next big thing in hunting here, and Cabela's has already given us a verbal agreement to cross-promote the preserve."

A spokesman for the Ottawa said that he had not heard of the claims of the cavemen, but believed that the Neanderthals were "between a rock and a hard place."

"Fuck 'em. It's evolution, man," said the spokesman, who chose to remain nameless.

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Something Big Is Happening at PayPerPost

Subcomandante Bob, with his network of informants, thugs, and nosy bartenders, believes that something is afoot at the online advertising company PayPerPost. While he cannot disclose the exact source of his information, Bob has it on good authority that the company is about to make a major announcement.

Bob also has ideas on what the announcement is all about, and he is convinced that PayPerPost is going to announce that the company will use its considerable resources and coding expertise to perform what might be the ultimate service to humanity: it will rid the Internet of every mention of the human catastrophe that is Britney Spears.

The idea is simple: PayPerPost will unleash a flotilla of Web bots that will scour every page on the Internet, and which will be programmed to replace every mention of "Britney Spears" with a section of blank text. In this way PayPerPost will both improve the quality of written material on the Internet and raise the aggregate human intelligence quotient by 5 to 7 points.

The net result will be greater worldwide peace, harmony, and a lowering of global temperatures, as the reduction in trips to search engines by humans typing in the search phrase "Britney Spears" will cool overheated Web servers. Parents will spend more time with children, children of all sexes will stop dressing like Britney-esque tramps, and Kevin Federline will be relegated to a Trivial Pursuit card.

The legality of the proposed de-Britney operations is, of course, of a questionable nature, but Bob believes that humanity will rally around PayPerPost after the effects of de-Britneyzation become fully manifest.

Idiot Driver Wants You to Know She is, Indeed, Special

Left: Schmidt reviewing her cherished status credentials

(Toledo, OH) Notoriously discourteous driver Katy Schmidt confirmed to Toledo Tales reporters what many area motorists have long suspected.

"It really is true - I am special," she giggled. "That gives me the right to turn without using my signals, and to apply makeup in the left turn lane, causing me to be the only one to make the light."

Schmidt said that there are other benefits to attaining "special" status on the road.

"Being special means I never have to let another driver in, because I am way more important than anyone else," she said. "So even if traffic is at a standstill, and you want to pull into traffic from the Kroger parking lot, I have the right to inch up 12 feet to block you in."

Car taking up two parking placesLeft: Priority parking is among the many benefits attached to the designation of "special"

Schmidt said that other drivers need to "back off with the hating."

"I am so tired of jealous little people honking horns or giving me the middle finger," she sighed. "The sooner they learn that some of us are just - well - better than everyone else, the quicker we can all get along."

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Bob Takes a Peek at "The Ultimate Gift"

Subcomandante Bob has become jaded over the years with the pablum dished out by Hollywood, but he is excited about the upcoming film "The Ultimate Gift," which will be released in over 800 theaters on March 9.

The film stars Academy Award nominee Abigail Breslin, plus James Garner, Ali Hillis, Drew Fuller and Brian Dennehy, and it is based up on the book of the same name that has been an underground hit around the world, selling over 4 million copies.

The film's message is simple: The only way you can truly get more out of life for yourself is to give part of yourself away. More than 300 pre-screenings have already resulted in over $5 million in donations to various charities.

This is the official site of the movie "The Ultimate Gift" and the grass-roots movement it is starting to help charities and give to others.

You can check out the movie's official site at TheUltimateGift.com The star of the film is Abigail Breslin, the waif in the film "Little Miss Sunshine," and you can get a short preview of the film on YouTube.

Finally, people are asked to support the charitable cause of their choice through the unique “Weekend Of Giving” promotion for “The Ultimate Gift”. Details on the Weekend of Giving promotion are available on the film's website. This was a sponsored post.


TARTA Touts New Rickshaw Service

(Toledo, OH) The Toledo-Area Regional Transportation Authority (TARTA), facing dwindling ridership and high fuel costs, announced that it will begin offering rickshaw service throughout the city of Toledo.

"We figured this service would be a great way to kill two birds with one big stone," said James Gee, the transit authority’s general manager. "We can hire illegal immigrants to operate the rickshaws, and we save money on fuel costs."

Gee says the agency is committed to moving America toward energy independence by replacing imported petroleum with renewable energy such as sweaty immigrants.

"Hey, those scrawny little immigrants work their asses off," he laughed. "I had a Vietnamese kid run me from downtown to Franklin Park the other day up Monroe Street. You should have seen that sucker huffing - it was worth the buck I tipped him just for the chuckle."

Gee downplayed concerns that the rickshaw service exploits immigrants.

"Hey man - they don't have to take the job," he said. "We can always call the INS and let them deal with these people. Besides, who else is going to pull one of these things? Not me, that's for sure."

Among the benefits of the new rickshaw program, said Gee, are the low maintenance costs.

"You grease the wheel bearings and give Pedro new flip-flops, and you are good to go," he said. "These machines are built to last, and when a driver braks a leg or something, you stick another body in there. We should have done this years ago."

Bob Takes a Look at CreditLoan.com

Subcomandante Bob knows a thing or two about bad credit. His life the past twenty years has been something of a roller coaster ride, and as a consequence his credit record has more spots than a Dalmatian with chicken pox.

If you are anything like Bob, you need to check out the website of CreditLoan.com. Bad Credit Credit Cards are one of their specialties, but CreditLoan.com also provides information in the form of useful articles that help people improve their credit rating, make wise loan decisions, and understand the factors that determine their credit scores..

CreditLoan.com can also help people link up with the right lender for their particular needs. This was a sponsored post, but Bob recommends you at least spend a few minutes checking out the site.


Man Planning "Missile Shield" Against Neighbor's Provocative Bottle Rockets, Roman Candles

Left: Carrack and brother preparing defenses against neighbors

(Oregon, OH) Steve Carrack considers himself an "easygoing guy," but the relentless threat of airborne pyrotechnic devices from his neighbors has forced him to take preventive action.

In response to the perceived dangers from neighbors Kyle, Jared, and Will Dunbar, Carrack and his brother Larry are assembling a missile defense system akin to the MIM-104 Patriot design.

"We have a growing rocket threat from the Dunbar place across the field, and we need to be able to deal with that," Carrack told Toledo Tales reporters. "Everybody understands that with a growing bentonite missile threat from those drunken rednecks - which is quite pronounced - there need to be ways to deal with that problem. This missile system is for dealing with post-9/11 insanity, like when Kyle was shooting those fucking bottle rockets at us last summer using a 40-ounce Budweiser bottle as a launch pad."

Not all neighbors in the Oregon subdivision agree with Carrack's plan.

"The Carracks risk provoking a new arms race by developing these ballistic missile defenses," said Paul Oberlin, who lives perpndicular to the warring neighbors. "This plan undermines existing institutions, like the police, and the Carrcaks are overstepping their property boundaries in every way. Besides, this is all just payback for when Steve Carrack boffed the 16-year-old sister of the Dunbars back in high school after a football game."

Left: Linchpin of the Carrack missile defense system

Steve Carrack said that fears of an escalating missile race are overblown.

"Let's face facts here - we know the Dunbars have already acquired surface-to-air missiles, and we suspect that they are building 29mm G40-10 monsters that can travel halfway to Toledo," he said, packing black powder in an engine for a prototype rocket nicknamed 'Freedom Freddy'. "The question is: do we take preemptive action, bombing their hillbilly asses back to the Stone Age, or do we just sit back and watch them destroy us? As for me and my house, we will rain hellfire upon those who wish to harm us."

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Bob Recommends Stone Hawk Rehabilitation Center

As regular readers know, Subcomandante Bob is no stranger to addiction, and he has spent most of his adult life battling all sorts of personal demons. Bob has also spent a great deal of time in rehab settings, and knows that they run across a spectrum from "vacation spa" to "concentration camp."

For those of you, like Bob, who may find it necessary to seek a drug treatment program, consider Michigan's Stone Hawk Rehabilitation Center, which is located near Battle Creek.

Stone Hawk drug rehabilitation center is renowned as the most successful inpatient drug rehab in the country, offering a success rate over 76%. They employ a variety of holistic methods in the recovery process, as opposed to one center Bob attended, where the preferred method of persuasion was beatings with a rubber hose, but heck - that's the Guatemalan police for you.

The counselors at Stone Hawk don't try to teach morals, but rather help people develop a lifestyle that fits their needs and wants without the burdens of drug addiction or alcoholism.

This was a sponsored post, but be sure to check out Stone Hawk if you need a drug treatment program.

UT Condiment Offerings Questioned by Protesters

(Toledo, OH) UT students gathered outside the Student Union last week to protest the condiment policies of AVI Dining Services.

“Look here,” said junior Martin Meriwether. “There are 42 tables in this cafeteria, but only 37 salt shakers and 11 pepper shakers. How the hell you going to eat scrambled eggs without salt and pepper?”

Meriwether also noted that the black pepper was in shorter supply on campus than the white salt.

"What does this mean?" he asked. "I leave it to you to figure it out, but it sure is suspicious to me."

And it's a hard rain's a-gonna fall

Another student, Jessica Johnson, complained about the lack of condiment alternatives.

“There’s like, no ranch dressing for the French fries,” she said. “I mean, come on, everyone dips their fries in ranch. Duh!”

AVI spokesperson Karen Underwood downplayed the allegations.

“You know the little bastards just steal it for their dorms,” she said. “If you want more condiments, they should bring back all the shit they stole from the cafeteria."

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Bob Watches Rockstartup.com

Among Subcomandante Bob's pleasures in life is the watching of television. There once was a point in Bob's life when he was an English lit major, studying Chaucer, William Shakespeare, and Ben Jonson, but he found that the real world has no use for people who can drop baroque metaphors and delight partygoers with oblique phrasing.

Bob is especially fond of reality television, and he delights in watching the contrived frivolities that corporate execs think is "reality." Bob knows that "reality" is life on the streets, dude, like when some hyped-up crackhead has a knife to your throat and is willing to kill you for your two-year-old Air Jordans.

But Bob digresses.

He has found one reality show that lives up to its name, and that is Rockstartup.com, which was developed by Bob's good friends at PayPerPost. They have strung together eleven episodes to date, all related to the trials and tribulations of a young company trying to make its way in the world.

Bob's favorite episode to date is number 11, which is called "Can't Hardly Weight." He likes it because, frankly, the women at PayPerPost are simply beautiful, and if Bob wasn't such a drunken idiot, he would forward a resume to PayPerPost in the hopes that he might one day rub elbows with the likes of the sumptuous Veronique, Britt, Karen, and Yvonne.

Bob is forever thankful for the chance to write sponsored posts like these, but he really does think the women at PayPerPost are dreamy.

Local Man Continues to Be Tormented by "Ass Borer"

Left: Suspicious device found in the home of a Toledoan

(Toledo, OH) Mark Winthorp, the 34-year old Toledoan who is worried about the arrival of a recent invader, made a discovery last night that completely unnerved him.

"I had these contractors over to do some work on my house, when I discovered...THIS!" he sadi, pointing to a hand-held electric drill. "Is this some kind of sick joke? If so, it's not funny - there are plenty of people worried about the ass borer."

Winthorp, who heard about the ass borer while watching the news in a crowded local pub, said he hopes that the problem gets resolved soon.

"Hey man - this shit has been keeping me up at nights, looking out my window to see if a sociopathic homosexual whose reconstructed bionic penis can accommodate 3/8" drill bits is out there," he said, standing with his hands on his hips. "I can't imagine a more horrifying trauma than running into the ass borer."

Friends of Winthorp continue to keep their friend in the dark.

"The funniest thing is sneaking up behind the asshole and making a "z-z-z-z-z-z" sound like a drill," laughed Brett Durheim of Sylvania. "He squeals like a little girl every time we do that."

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Bob Checks Out AapkaVideo

Subcomandante Bob once traveled to the beautiful Indian subcontinent on a spiritual journey, hoping to meet his guru and to walk in the footsteps of such great men as Gandhi and Nehru.

Instead, about all he met was a near-fatal case of cholera, but the people on the beach WARNED him not to drink ocean water; Bob, of course, never listens to sensible advice.

Anyways, it was of great interest to Bob to learn about AapkaVideo - Indian (desi) Video Sharing , which has some of the features of a YouTube but which is targeted toward people on the subcontinent.

The focus at AapkaVideo is toward user generated content, cricket, Bollywood, and music videos. The site hopes to become a "news-tainment" service, mixing current events with related videos and offering specials targeting current events.

Bob is thankful for the sponsorship of this post, and urges all of his subcontinent visitors to check out AapkaVideo .

DJ Enjoys Playing Only Half of "Twofer" Songs

A mirthful Orleans waits for your irritated call

(Toledo, OH) Kevin Orleans, overnight and weekend for Toledo's WXKR-94.5, has few bright spots in his job at the album-oriented station.

"There are times when I might go two hours without a call," he mused, queueing up the next track. "So I sometimes have a little fun to stir things up - is that so bad?"

Among the tricks Orleans uses to generate some buzz by listeners is through deliberately playing only one song of what he calls a "twofer," or album tracks that are normally played in continuous sequence, such as Journey's "Feeling That Way/Anytime."

"Yep - playing only Queen's 'We Will Rock You' without following up with 'We Are The Champions' drives 'em absolutely batty," he chuckled. "And you have never heard someone get cheesed like when you only play Boston's 'Foreplay' and skip 'Long Time.' Just when you think every drunk listener is passed out at 3:44 am, pulling a stunt like this will bring in 10 phone calls, easy."

Boston Foreplay/Long TimeGotta play both, brother!

Orleans admitted that he is begining to "enjoy a little too much" the concept of only playing half of a twofer.

"On a recent 'Two-for-Tuesday' segment I deliberately played the Beatles' 'Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band' and 'With A Little Help From My Friends' and counted it as two songs," he chuckled. "Sure enough, I got three calls from people complaining that I owed them another song. It may be a little mean on my part, but I might go fucking nuts if I don't keep this joint lively."

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Bob Looks at the One Account Mortgage

Years ago Subcomandante Bob was a much more reliable consumer, and he chased after the money gods with unbridled abandon. Alas, his love of intoxicating substances quickly dissolved the equity in Chez Bob, and he was forced to sell his urban palace.

If you - unlike Subcomandante Bob - are in the position to shop for mortgages, consider a unique plan marketed by OneAccount.com.

As you undoubtedly know, mortgages normally sit there as a mountain of debt, accumulating interest as you work yourself to death slowly paying it off. The One Account Mortgage combines this debt into your normal current account, and then uses your monthly salary (as it sits in the account) to offset against your mortgage balance. If you add any other savings you have to the account, you can further reduce the ammount you pay interest on.

This allows you to pay off your mortgage early at any time, or creates a cushion should you become unable to temporarily pay your mortgage due to illness, injury, or unemployment. When Bob gets back on his feet, he is definitely checking out the One Account Mortgage, who was kind enough to sponsor this post.

Harrison Ford Look-Alike Says "They Fall for it Every Time"

(Toledo, OH) Harvey Miller has been a fan of Star Wars since the release of the first film, and he has an added reason for the series to continue.

"People tell me all the time that I am a dead ringer for Harrison Ford," he said, waving a plastic light saber. "Believe you me, it has some hidden benefits."

Miller said that "at least three times" he has been approached in bars by fans of Han Solo.

"Two of them were pretty hot, and let me say we later toured the universe," he smiled. "The third time, though, was a little weird, as some dude made suggestions about the use of the light saber that I am pretty sure would void the warranty."

He was participating at a "Celebrity Lookalike" how at a local retirement home when his fans got a liitle wild.

"I had 60- and 70- year old ladies with all sorts of freaky propositions," he said. "But since it was a dry spell for me, I had to take a few of them up on it; I hate to say this, but let's just say teeth are overrated."

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Bob Checks Out Unsigned Bands

Subcomandante Bob has long been a connoisseur of popular music, and he regularly attends pop, rock, rap, and even accordion concerts, at least until house security figures out that Bob never has a ticket or a backstage pass.

If you, like Bob, enjoy checking out new music, Unsigned.com, which features the latest
Rap Artists, Punk Artists, and up-and-coming artists from almost every conceivable genre.

Except accordion, that is. For some strange reason Unsigned.com does not feature any punk accordion acts, like Frankie Yankovic and the Entrails. Go figure. This is a sponsored post, but don't let that deter you from checking out the great music to be found on Unsigned.com.

Charismatic Church Adopts Punk Motif

Left: Pastor Eric "Snot" Bacon

(Sylvania, OH) Tapping into what it sees as "disaffected young Christians," Sylvania church Death Realm Christ Hole brings uncompromising political philosophy and an abrasive punk aesthetic to its audience.

"Punk music came and was a slap in the face for everybody to say, 'Hey! Let's just write a bunch of really great songs, go out there and kick them as hard as we can!"" said pastor Snot Bacon. "We are here to say that it's OK to say 'Fuck Off' in a church setting."

The traditional altar and pulpit are replaced at Death Realm Christ Hole with a stage and mosh pit. Bacon said that even older worshippers jump in the pit.

"There was an old lady here last week that totally decked this 16-year old Goth chick," he laughed. "Way cool; that's what her faith was all about, you know?"

Left: Moshing for Jesus

Featuring songs like "It's Getting Easier For Me To Die," "The Destruction Of Everything You Love," and "Mary's Rotten Afterbirth," the church hopes to use contemporary punk music in a faux club atmosphere to bring punks closer to God.

"Listen - there are like many ways to God, mon," said Bacon. "Who is to say that your lily-whitebread conformist sellout church has the monopoly on God? Besides, I'd rather be listening to Bad Brains than "On Eagles' Wings," you know?"


A Sad Valentine's Day for Bob

Valentine's Day for Subcomandante Bob, unfortunately, falls into the category of FLOP. His true love, Cameron Diaz, did not return any of his 113 phone calls to her beach house yesterday.

To top it off, Ms. Diaz also had the audacity to file reports with local police and the FBI about Bob. Really - what's the big deal with Bob picking through Cameron's trash for items that were once touched by this goddess?

Bob thinks some people - like Cameron Diaz - are just too sensitive.

Sharp by Design, a men's fashion blog, has an interesting article on the annual love holiday. Check out the BELISI on Valentine's for some thoughts about gift-giving on the Day of Cupid.

The National Retail Federation found that Americans spent a total of $13.7 billion last year on Valentine's Day, with the average consumer spending an estimated $100.89 last year.

This was a sponsored post, and Bob will use the proceeds to fight injustice, at least injustice in the form of unreasonable restraining orders issued by judges every time a Hollywood actress whines.

Hefty Man Pushing for 10-Meter Sprint in Olympics

(Toledo, OH) Toledoan Aaron Rice, who weighs in at a hefty 377 pounds, said that he is embarking on a campaign to add a new event to the Summer Olympics: the 10-meter dash.

"It's pretty simple, really - there's no way in hell I could even walk 100 meters," he said. "I figure I'd at least have a fighting chance if the distance was shortened."

Rice said that he has mapped out a 10-meter course in his house, and is engaged in regular training.

"In my house it's exactly the distance from the couch to the refrigerator," he said, flexing his leg muscles. "You've got to be pretty damned fast to get to the fridge, find something to eat, and run back before the Final Jeopardy answers get revealed."

Very large sandwichLeft: Training begins with a healthy infusion of carbs, according to Rice

Rice also believes that there is another advantage to his participation in the proposed 10-meter dash.

"With a fortuitous jump, gravity and momentum should give me an edge against those skinny sprinters," he noted. "Plus, in the shorter sprint my competitors will actually travel farther, since they have to go around me. All in all - I was made for this event."

Bob Talks About Making Some Moolah

There have been some lean years lately for Subcomandante Bob, who is currently living in a Toledo homeless shelter, but he has not always been an impoverished lowlife.

In the 1980s Bob had a stint as a Wall Street stockbroker, although admittedly the battle fatigues he wore to the office raised a few eyebrows. There was no better corporate raider, though, than Subcomandante Bob, who would bust into a boardroom with his AK-47 and a pocket full of grenades and get EXACTLY the right merger deal. Real Quick.

Lately Bob has turned to sponsored content, such as this, in his posts to make some pin money. PayPerPost has helped Bob earn a couple of hundred bucks in just three weeks.

Normally, Bob runs straight to the liquor store whenever cash suddenly appears in his mischievous little hands, but Bob hopes to be a more responsible citizen with the money he earns from his sponsored content. He plans to take the much appreciated cash and travel someplace warm, like South Beach, where there are endless parties and the booze flows like water over Niagara Falls.

Or maybe he will travel to Acapulco, where his PayPerPost dollars will travel even further. Bob hears that a person can live like a king on the beaches of Acapulco, and he's pretty sure that the local ne'er-do-wells have forgotten a certain incident in 1983 involving a shotgun, a chicken coop, and several bottles of tequila.

Hubby's Pronunciation of "Chipotle" Drives Wife Batty

Irritated woman(Toledo, OH) Susan Trascher has been married to her husband Mark for ten years, and she admits that "he does some things that really get under [her] skin."

Still, Mark's insistence on pronouncing the word "chipotle" in a fashion that rhymes with "bottle" is proving to be an insurmountable hurdle for the couple, she told Toledo Tales reporters.

"When he first did it at the Lawrence's barbecue last summer, I just kind of winced and let it go," she said, adding that she corrected him on the way home. "But since then he seems to be taking a perverse pleasure in pronouncing it that way."

Trascher said that her husband's initial mispronunciation was just the beginning.

"Then he starts pronouncing the first syllable sound like 'sky,' so now it's coming out like 'CHY-pottle,'" she said, clenching her fists. "And what's worse is that he's always sneaking a look at me when he does it, like he's trying to purposely set me off. God!"

ChipotleLeft: Herbal source of strife between the Traschers

To make matters worse, said Trascher, Mark seems to be going out of his way to use the smoke-dried jalapeño chilis in meals.

"Yeah, all of a sudden he's Paul-fucking-Prudhomme in the kitchen, all the while yapping about his Chy-pottles," she grimaced. "This from a guy who couldn't make Kraft Easy Mac without burning the noodles until last year. I'll tell you what - the next time I do something that rattles him, I am going to become the world's foremost authority on whatever annoying shit it turns out to be."

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Bob Talks about Bad Credit, High Finance, and Goons Named Nick

Subcomandante Bob knows a thing or two about bad credit, and one might say that "bad credit" is Bob's middle name, except that his middle name is the same as his great-grandfather, and he's still pissed that his Mom weighed him down with an ugly middle name like "Herbert."

If you are like Bob, and have a credit so low that they'd have to dig it up just to bury it, then check out CreditLoan.com's Bad Credit Credit Cards information.

CreditLoan.com also has information on bad credit repair, credit counseling, and debt relief. Lots of good articles to help consumers determine the right loan, as well as how to dig yourself out of a credit hole.

This is a sponsored post, but don't be like Bob, who waited until some guy named Nick showed up with a bunch of baseball bat carrying thugs before squaring his debts.

Editorial: Where is MY Bag of Cash From a Brinks Truck?

A guest editorial by Mr. Todd Perryman

In the news today I saw another lucky son-of-a-bitch who came across a sack of money in the middle of the street while driving his pickup truck.

By my count that is at least the 807th time this has happened in the past year.

What I want to know is this: Where the hell is MY bag of cash that fell off a Brink's truck?

Some people wait for their "ships to come in," and others play the lottery.

Me? I'm waiting for that bag of cash that fell off of a Brink's truck.

It's pretty simple - the 807 times this has happened are only the ones that the Brinks Company has told the public. The way I got it figured, there is a mechanical defect in the rear doors of Brinks trucks that causes them to pop open at the slightest bump in the road.

Do you think they would actually report all of the times this has happened? I don't think so, Paco.

So day after day I keep my eyes open for Brinks bags on the side of the road, and some days I even follow Brinks trucks. I just know I am going to find my very own Brinks bag soon. Very soon.

The odds are in my favor, you know. I've been watching Brinks Truck #1034TA for a couple of weeks now, and those fuckers have never lost a bag. Given the company's terrible track record of money sacks falling off the back of trucks, they are way overdue, my friend.

And when it happens - I'll pick up that cash and waltz right straight to Easyville.

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Bob Sings the Praises of "Review My Post"

The downtown branch of the Toledo-Lucas County Public Library is among Subcomandante Bob's favorite haunts, and he can often be found hogging the Internet computers, sometimes requiring the intervention of library security officials to pry him from the Net at closing time.

One of the reasons that Bob has been spending extra time on the computer of late has been his involvement with blog revenue gurus PayPerPost, who pay bloggers to review products and create publicity for advertisers. Bob has found PayPerPost to be an excellent supplement to his standard forms of income, which include blatant panhandling, civic graft, and some other activities of questionable legal standing.

PayPerPost recently announced a new program called "Review My Post", which allows bloggers to make money and also increase blog traffic. Some of Bob's readers are also bloggers, and some of them have stopped Bob on the street to complain about his commercial efforts on this blog.

"Bob," they say, "you're an artist, man. You should do what you love for the joy it brings others."

Bob always chuckles at these comments, which usually come from people better dressed than he and who tool around town in Lexuses and BMWs. It's always the wealthy who are offended when the little guy makes a buck, right?

Anyways, "Review My Post" is pretty simple: you get paid every time someone signs up and reviews a post on your blog. The pprogram is open to all bloggers and is terrific for bloggers who don't want to place sponsored posts on their blogs.

Bloggers just add a badge at the end of their post and earn money, build traffic, and make lots of new friends without any additional effort.

Bob hopes to use the proceeds of sponsored posts like this to start hanging around art galleries, where he can turn up his nose at painters and sculptors who charge for their work. Just kidding - he'll go to the galleries for the free food, booze, and camraderie, especially those crazy art gallery chicks, who are known to do some wild things with paints when they get liquored up.

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