.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}


Man Who Thought He Had Lost Last Ounce of Motivation Loses Just a Bit More Motivation

(Toledo, OH) Local slacker Kevin Beauchamp, who thought he lost every last bit of gumption last month, discovered another smidgen of motivation that he promptly frittered away on video games.

"For a quick minute there, I thought about applying for a job," he said from his couch. "But it passed. It passed."

Beauchamp said that he remains "hopeful" there may be yet more motivation in his system.

"It could happen, man," he said, attempting to grab a bag of potato chips on an end table with his toes. "All I'm saying is it might be to early to count out the Kevster in the old game of chasing the Success Gods, you know?"

Friends say that Beauchamp, who admits to being "less motivated than a temp worker at a sleeping bag factory on a warm night," has not worked in three months.

"The dude is lazier than an NFL player in a non-contract year," noted roommate Patrick Jurgens, who has been paying most of the rent during Beauchamp's recent slackery. "If it wasn't for the fact that I've been nailing his sister, Kev would have been out on the street weeks ago. I swear to God - he better pray she keeps putting out."

Labels: , ,


Waldo, You Rat Bastard: Where the Hell ARE You?!?!?

Guest editorial by Will Gerharding, frustrated searcher

So I picked up this stupid Where's Waldo book my kid had the other day and started flipping through it.

"No problem," I thought to myself, "this should be easy as hell. They make these books for kids, and just because I had brain surgery a few weeks ago, that doesn't mean I can't do this kid puzzle."

I could not be more wrong. I can't find that Rat Bastard Waldo anywhere in this fucking book.

It's like I'm not only recovering from the lumbosacral spinal subdural hematoma I got after that burr hole craniotomy, but like I'm color-blind and retarded as well. I can't find that fucker anywhere in this book.

I've turned the book upside-down. I've held it against a mirror. I even put on a pair of those 3-D xray specs that are supposed to help you see right through a chick's bra to her titties, but no Waldo.

I mean, just look at this shit: they've got dozens of dudes in stripey shirts and polka-dots and clowns and all kinds of goofy-ass colors. My fucking head already hurts, and now this.

But once you start looking for that squirrelly-looking fruitcake, you can't stop. I swear to God, Waldo: I will find you, and I will rip your fucking head off, you smarmy little prick!

You hear me, you Rat Bastard?

Labels: , ,

Need a Math or Reading Tutor?

Bob knows that you parents want the best for your children's educational needs, and he is proud to recommend SCORE! as a tutoring resource.

SCORE! offers innovative tutor programs, and their tutors are caring professionals who will help your children reach their academic potential. Best of all, SCORE and its innovative tutor programs are available across most of the United States.

Bob writes from experience, as little Bob Jr. once struggled as a reader. With the help of a SCORE! tutor, Bob Jr. can now read at a level beyond his grade level, and he now enjoys reading. For the best in tutors, look no further than SCORE!



Man Survives Sexless Week at In-Laws Due to ‘Survival Whacks’

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

Eustice: Can’t Get No (Da-Na-Na, Da-Deener-Deener-Dit-Dit) Satisfaction

(Toledo, OH)—Toledo resident Van Eustice has never considered himself a particularly “randy guy,” yet there has always been something about visiting the Sylvania home his wife Cheryl grew up in that “revs his fuck wagon.”

Ironically, week-long visits—such as this one for Memorial Day—offer little time for erotic interaction with the missus, so Eustice is left to rely on lackluster adolescent-style masturbation to make his sexless tenure bearable.

“I know it sounds creepy, but seeing Cheryl’s old room, and family portraits, and old keepsakes makes me like, totally want to bone her on the living room couch,” Eustice candidly explained while eating orange slices. “She used to have the best tits in college. And if her parents ever left to play some fucking bingo, or visit the cemetery, I could screw her while looking at pictures of her twenty years ago.”

Unfortunately for Eustice’s elevated libido, such opportunities never arise, and he is left to take the proverbial matter into his own hands.

“It’s goddamn pathetic, is what it is, especially with Cheryl's hangup about screwing within earshot of her parents,” Eustice retorted. “Yesterday, I faked a headache so I could rub one out into a dirty sock in the guest bedroom. This afternoon, after lunch, I insinuated a bowel problem so I could jerk to the JC Penny catalog in the shitter. National holiday or not, I can’t wait for this palm party to end.”

Labels: , ,

Rev it Up for Florida Agriculture, Folks!

Subcomandante Bob knows that all of you consume Florida agricultural products from time to time, especially fresh Florida orange juice with certain distilled beverages.

With that in mind, Bob would like you to take a half-minute and watch this informative video about Florida agriculture. Did you know, for example, that Florida agriculture is a $87 billion industry providing food to the entire globe? You would have if you watched this video:


Toledo Man Puzzled by Obesity of Online Dating Partner

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

Toledoan Aaron Rice earned a new lease on life when he met his “dream woman” in an online chatroom last November, and ever since, the couple has been glued to their respective computers.

Sadly, a recent Google search has revealed that Priscilla Howard, 37, is “grossly fucking obese,” and may have lied about her other physical features.

“I can’t believe this has happened to me,” Rice bemoaned as he softly dabbed tears from his eyes. “She made me worship a 119 lb. lie! God, I bet she isn’t even a natural redhead.”

And while it is still unclear why Rice did not conduct a background check earlier in their relationship, his response is clearly one of shock and betrayal.

“Nothing matters anymore,” Rice sobbed, who admits to be a "svelte" 379 pounds himself. “There’s no way she bikes to her marketing job everyday and spends Saturdays in the park with her collie Buster. She’s a disgusting fat-body. That’s like, worse than if she was an Asian.”

Labels: , ,

Listen Up: Bob Gives Two Thumbs WAY UP for PPP Direct

Subcomandante Bob knows that many bloggers out there wish that they could start selling blog ads on their sites, so that they could be as fabulously monetized as Bob. Good luck, folks - Bob is the king of blog maximization.

Or was it the king of hyperbole? It's one of the two.

Anyways, PayPerPost, whihc is the company that connects bloggers and advertisers, just announced a new program called PPP Direct. This will allow advertisers to directly hire bloggers like Bob. Stolichnaya, are you paying attention?

PayPerPost is is simply the best company that bloggers can work for, and there are many differences between PPP Direct and other PPP competitors. PPP Direct cuts out the giagntic overhead, and where ad competitors as ReviewMe charge a 50-100% markup and keep up to half your money (the mangy thieves!), PPP Direct charges just a 10% fee, 5% of which goes to transaction fees for PayPal and credit card processing.

Not too shabby, eh Bubba?

Here's how the new program works: advertisers directly contact Posties to get them to write special blog posts. PPP Direct lets bloggers specify the minimum amount they want to be paid for these Direct opportunities, after which they stick a widget on their blogs as notification. When an advertiser finds a blog they like and decides they'd wnat the blogger to write a post for them, that advertiser just clicks on the badge attached to the widget and makes the blogger an nice offer.

With PPP Direct you get to reach out to individual advertisers, even those who are not in the PPP network, and advertise your own blogs and content just the way you want.

Or however the advertiser wants. If there is enough cash involved, Bob would be willing to say that a dried out piece of bread behind the refrigerator is "a dainty morsel fit for the most discriminating of palates." Bob has few morals, little shame, and a mountain of angry bill colectors.

Area Man Thinks That Dude from the Space Flick Looks Just Like the Cowboy Who Starred with That One Babe

man watching his TV set (Perrysburg, OH) Gazing at his television, Perrysburg resident Carl Breckenspleth believes there is something "really similar" between the lead actor and another actor he remembers.

"I can't rmember the movie, but he played that one dude in the space film," said Breckenspleth, scratching his head. "Yessir - he's just like the dude who played the cowboy with that one hot babe. I'm sure of it."

Breckenspleth believes that the way the two actors walk is the dead giveaway.

"They both do a kind of 'thing' with their left leg, and you can see it in every film they were each in," he said. "Especially the one where that old woman walked up to her daughter and told her she was dying? Remember?"

Another similarity between the two actors - their hands.

"When the one guy was shaking the hand of that host on the awrds show - you know? - it's just like when this guy shook that funny character actor's hand in that spy movie," he said. "For the love of Pete, I don't know why you don't see the resemblance."

Labels: , ,

The Motivator - A Revolutionary Motivational Software Program

Subcomandante Bob knows how hard it can be for many of us to achieve our dreams, especially with all the obstacles that appear in our way throughout life. Thus, he wholeheartedly recommends The Motivator, which is a software program that helps remind you of your goals.

There certainly are many tyopes of motivation software which fail to deliver on their promises, but The Motivator has a unique delivery system that is unlike anything else Bob has seen.

The Motivator works by unobtrusively displaying messages on your computer screen at predetermined intervals. These messages help you to regularly reinforce your goals, while providing much-needed motivation for achievement that you otherwise wouldn’t receive. Using The Motivator, users can expect to let go of long-standing bad habits in just two weeks – or even less. Best of all, you can download a copy of this motivation software for free online by following one of the above links.


Area Dog Cannot Believe All the Stuff You Throw Away

(Toledo, OH) A local canine interviewed by Toledo Tales is amazed at what you people toss in your garbage each week.

Hopper, a black-and-white dog of multiple ancestries, took issue with what he called "squandering humans."

"Look at this bone! Will you look at this bone? It's still got meat on it, for Chrissakes," said Hopper, snuffing in one of your garbage bags. "I mean, thanks a lot, but what if I hadn't been here to root through this garbage?"

Hopper said that he has found all sorts of delicious treats and tasty edibles in your garbage in the recent past.

"Oh yeah - I found half a side of prime rib and some mashed potatoes last week," he said, licking the remnants of a can of tuna. "That was an absolute feast, and it was all mine."

The refuse connoisseur said that he watches for your trash to go out with special gusto.

"The Hamiltons, they hardly ever leave anything good," he noted. "But you people - if I wasn't so hungry all the time, I would make you come out here and eat this good food. Shame on you - hey, are you going to eat that chicken bone?"

Win a Date with Mirelly Taylor!

The gorgeous Mirelly Taylor

As previously mentioned, Subcomandante Bob has long been enamored with the lovely and talented actress Mirelly Taylor. After seeing her play Sahira in Beyond Honor, Bob thinks he fell in love.

GoFish.com is running a cool contest that allows you to win a date with said vixen Mirelly, also known for her television work on "Punk’d", "Las Vegas" and "Numb3rs," plus the motion pictures Kiss Me Again and Serving Sara. If you love Mirelly as much as Bob does, you should watch "Seduce a Celeb" on GoFish.com over the next 14 weeks.

By the way, you can check out the hilarious video submissions at GoFish from other wouyld-be Mirelly daters. Those who dream of dating Mirelly should also check out her clips at GoFish.com to find out clues about what she likes in men. The next step is to produce your own video in which you try to "seduce" Mirelly with your handsomeness, humor, or hunkish build.

If you are not interested in dating Mirelly, like if you were born without hormones, you can still participate in the voting. Visitors choose the finalists for the contest out of the many thousands of video submissions, and then Mirelly will make the final choice on who she is going to date. After all, she should have some say in what is going on.

One of the strangest videos Bob has thus far viewed has been "Vladimir Dances Like it's 1992," which is kind of like a cross between the Festrunk Brothers and Vanilla Ice:

And now a quick plug for GoFish.com: there are tons of free videos at GoFish.com, which is a site designed to help people put out their videos in front of the world, as well as helping those with a little too much time on their hands find some excellent videos to watch.


Guy Named Ed Tired of Erectile Dysfunction Jokes

Left: Mad as hell

(Toledo, OH) Ed Lammers says that he is an "easygoing, reasonable guy," but he has reached his limit as the butt of jokes.

"All of those Cialis and Viagra ads use the letters "E.D." to describe impotence," he said. "And every moron I run into has to make a crack about my name: "Hey, E-D! Still limp?" or some stupid shit like that. It's gotta stop."

Lammers said the breaking point came recently at Mass.

"I was receiving Communion, and the priest said: "The body of Christ, E-D," and chuckled as he gave me the wafer," he said. "If he wasn't a priest I swear to God I would have kicked his ass right there and then."

The worst part, according to Lammers, is the reaction from his children.

'We'll be watching TV and one of those stupid ads will come on, and I can see the kids busting a gut to try and keep from laughing," he said. "Then I'll yell something like: "Go ahead, laugh!" and then they look down, ashamed. This shit is breaking apart my family."

Listen - There's a Lot Worse Words Than 'Ho'

Guest editorial by Nathan Higgins, 4th grader at St. Rose

Boy, it seems like the TV is filled all the way up with stupid-heads talking about the N-word and the H-word and the B-word and blah blah blah.

But, as someone who has been called some terrible things in gym class, I'm here to let you kno there's a lot worse things you can be called than "ho."

Like "pootie-head," for example. Ever miss an easy layup in the Boys-versus-Girls basketball game and have thirty people screaming: "POOTIE-HEAD! POOTIE-HEAD! NATHAN'S GOT A POOTIE-HEAD!!!"

Well? Have you?

Well I have, and it's not a fun time, let me tell you. Or how about "Mr. Pee Pants?" That's what I got called for most of third grade because I came back from the boy's bathroom and there was a water spot in the front of my pants because I stopped at the drinking fountain and some stupid-head stuck gum in the spigot and water squirted everywhere including my pants and just because I sometimes have nighttime accidents doesn't mean I pee my pants in the boy's bathroom at school and don't you think I would have waited until my pants dried if I really peed on them?

Or how about "booger-eater?" THAT'S a nasty one, for sure. In second grade Jacob Moeller called that weird kid Gary Phillips who doesn't go to St. Rose any more "booger-eater," and he went to the back of the room and cried and I would have said something to Jacob but I used to go to Gary's house and play Super Mario and I thought he would start calling me "booger-eater" if he knew I was sticking up for Gary so I drew pictures of Spiderman on my desk instead.

So the next time you hear the stupid-heads going boo-hoo about the N-word or the B-word or the H-word, just remember Gary Booger-Eater. I mean Gary Phillips.

Labels: , ,

Bob Gives Two Thumbs Up to smile Credit Cards

Subcomandante Bob knows just how hard you have to work for your money, and he also knows how many credit card companies want to rip you off. That is why Bob recommends smile, the Internet bank.

smile's credit card was voted 'Best Credit Card' four years in a row at the Guardian Consumer Finance Awards in 2002, 2003, 2004 and 2005. You can choose between two different smile cards: the classic card with cashback on each purchase or smile's low rate gold card.

With the smile classic credit card you can earn 0.5% cashback on every purchase, and you pay just 13.9% APR typical/variable if you have a smile current account and 16.9% APR variable if you don't have one. With the smile gold card you'll get excellent rates of 9.9% APR typical/variable if you've got a smile current account and 14.9% APR variable if you don't have one.

When looking for a credit card, look no further than smile, the Internet bank. Bob is very happy to report that this is a sponsored post, because smile is an excellent credit card and banking company.


Toledo Pedophile Develops "How-To" Video Series

(Toledo, OH) Irritated by what he describes as "amateur hour tactics," local child enthusiast Kevin Uphers decided to take matters into his own hands.

The result: a series of five instructional videos on professional pedophelia. Titled "Bag an Eight-Year-Old in Two Weeks," Upher's program promises to turn even the most luckless pervert into a "first-class kid magnet."

"In every business there are people who just seem to drip with success. They seem to know all the right people and make all the right decisions at exactly the right time," he said. "With my videos I will turn you into a successful pedophile with dozens of kiddies to diddle."

Uphers said that many novice pedophiles simply fail to learn from their mistakes, and fall into patterns of "predictably doomed" behavior.

"For each mistake I made, I learned ten lessons and got smarter every day," he noted. "I started to see patterns, discover hidden formulas and systems, and maintain a network of associates I could count on. Too many rookie pedos think they can go it alone, but nothing beats a network of like-minded child pokers."

Step one: recognize the differences between goldmines and landmines

Uphers said that many new pedophiles make "mind-bogglingly stupid" mistakes, like snatching an unattended child at the mall.

"Maybe there is a bit of luck and magic in success, but it's luck and magic that comes from working hard and being prepared," he said. "You grab a kid at the mall and you've just bought yourself a ten-year jail term, because every cop in the city will be after you. But groom your neighbor's kid, and you've got a steady piece of kid love for years."

Uphers, who said he has yet to spend a single day in a prison cell, downplayed the idea that some pedophiles are just "born lucky."

"Many people think a guy like me just has some sort of Midas Touch, but there is no such thing," he said, shaking his head. "There are just people who see opportunities and know how to make them real and profitable while minimizing risk. With my video series, you can be nailing prepubescent tail every day of the week and never get caught."

Labels: , ,


Yo - I'm the Baddest Motherfucker Up in This Red Lobster

Guest editorial by Perry Dawson, Toledo-area fatass and wannabe gangsta

S’up. I assume The Perry needs no introduction, so let me skip the bullshit and get to the hardcore. This joint is weak, yo. I’m here every Friday, and there ain’t a single shorty up in here. But on Monroe Street, the ghetto of Glass City, I hold this shit down regardless, dig? I’m the baddest motherfucker up in this Red Lobster, so you best recognize.

After another long-ass week at the post office, I be kickin’ here, drinking some beers and eating my fills of some good-ass shrimp. But you know what? This new waitress be spittin’ some whack game about appetizers and cocktails. She better recognize. I been chillin’ at this motherfuckin’ booth since before she knew how to give dome. So bitch: step off, before I trick your ass behind a barrel of tartar sauce.

And another thing, yo. I’m sick of this bus boy makin’ noise n’ shit. Clankin’ those dishes, as if my ass ain’t tryin’ to unwind with this third order of hush puppies. Busboy: you best recognize. The last time I saw some punk break a coffee cup, I popped him in the balls with my .45. If you doubt me, nigga, go ahead and step.

Fried shrimp, y'allRepresentin' da Crustacea, y'all

But I’m not trippin’, even though this cook is playin’ mind games with my ass. These crab legs? Colder than the projects of Detroit. Eighth-a-mile. Holla. But you hear me, right? This punk can’t even use the microwave for The Perry — get his meal good n’ warm after a hard day of registerin’ packing receipts for The Man. Line cook: you best recognize or I’ll stab your ass. Seriously. I’ll stab you in your motherfucking ass with this butter knife. Don’t be trifflin’ with me.

So like I said, I’m the baddest motherfucker up in here. Rec-og-nize. By the way, any you niggas got two or three Washingtons? The Perry is short on his tip. After all, I gots a reputation to uphold.

Labels: , ,


Local Man is Area's First 'Quintissexual'

Left: Burnham outs his 5-preferenced self

(Toledo, OH) Local bartender Jeremi Burnham, long noted for his adventurous sexual life, called a press conference to announce that he is the area's first openly "quintisexual" person.

"I'm like the Martin Luther King Jr. of sex, because I am equal opportunity for anyone," he chuckled. "Male, female, transgendered, transsexual, or intersexual: if it's got a hole or a pole, I play the role."

Burnham said that he first learned of his quintisexuality at a "crazy-ass party" in college.

"Let's just say that there was a lot of alcohol and some seriously kinky partygoers," he said, smiling coyly. "While writhing around in that mass of flesh I knew that I was only complete when I had, like, a sexual buffet of partner options. And that would be an all-you-can-eat buffet. Yes - I went there."

Quintisexual Jeremi BurnhamLeft: Burnham dressed in a less-deterministic fashion

While the process of coming out has been "liberating" for Burnham, the decision has not been without its drawbacks.

"There's the obvious problem about restroom choices," he admitted. "And quintisexuality poses real problems in a long-term relationship, because I am just as likely to drool over the ass of my partner's brother as I am of his sister. But honestly - this is me, and I wouldn't have me any other way."

Labels: , ,

Bob Gives Two Thumbs Up to Pingo.com

Subcomandante Bob knows how much many of you depend upon obtaining reliable discount International calling cards online. There's nothing worse than being stuck in an airport or foreign jail without having access to a quality prepaid calling card provider like Pingo.com.

Pingo.com also has a new $25 FREE Merchant Gift Card Give Away, and you can learn more about the Pingo giveaway at this link.

Thanks to Pingo, Bob did not need to worry about Botswana calling card rates during a recent snafu in Africa involving the daughter of a diamond merchant. He just pulled out his card and BAM! embassy officials appeared to fix everything. God Bless America, and thanks to Pingo for sponsoring this post.


Disaster Fan Disappointed in "Wimpy" Thunderstorms

The "lame-ass" storm passes over Lake Erie

(Toledo, OH) Darkening skies and tornado sirens got local resident Tre Ferguson "pretty damned excited," but the self-described "storm freak" found little in which to delight this evening.

"Man, this storm was lamer than a paraplegic with an ingrown toenail," yawned a dejected Ferguson. "I've seen drunk tank clowns bring more entertainment than this shit."

Ferguson decried the "total lack of carnage" as one of the factors contributing to his unhappiness with the storm.

"No injuries, just a couple of downed tree limbs and power lines," he muttered. "At least some kid could have picked up a live wire or something. Because there's nothing funnier than some stupid ten-year-old frying himself, uncontrolled urine running down his leg. Except maybe a screaming guy covered in bees. That's pretty damned funny, too. Oh, and monkeys. They always crack me up."

Labels: ,


Son, I Drink Because Your Mom is a Bitch

Guest Editorial by Philipp Melanchthon

It's important for people to place the blame for problems where it really goes, son, and I would hate for you to blame yourself for the drunken, abusive slob I have become.

That's why I want you to know that the reason I drink so much is becuse your Mom is a bitch.

Now, this might come as a shock to you, because Mom buys you Pop-Tarts and Go-Gurt and all that crazy shit, but your Mom is really kind of like the Devil deep down inside. Except she's got boobs and stuff.

And when Devil-Mom shows up, the only way Daddy can deal with this evil is to drink himself into a total stupor, where he's lying on the floor and you're poking him with your Light Sabre and he doesn't say anything and there's pieces of half-eaten food coming out of his mouth.

And today was one of those Devil-days, and now Daddy must take his medicine. Now, be a good boy and get Daddy a couple of doses of Natural Light out of the fridge, OK, Champ?

And let's keep that Devil-stuff betwen you and me, OK? I wouldn't want Mom to start giving you hell, too.

Labels: , ,


Wedding Planner Wonders When His Prince Will Waltz In

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

DeKuntz: Heartbroken and mustachioed

(Toledo, OH) Stefan DeKuntz, one of the premiere wedding planners in the greater Toledo area, recently celebrated the flawless execution of his 100th ceremony-and-reception marriage combo.

However, the landmark event only left DeKuntz withdrawn and depressed, since at 48, the planner is growing increasingly mournful that the “love of his life” has yet to appear.

“Always a bride’s fag, never a bride,” huffed a dejected DeKuntz while smoking a Virginia Slim outside his favorite coffee haunt. “You’d think between Toledo and Detroit there’d be some butch to sweep this old queen off his feet, but for the past few years it’s been an endless sea of techno clubs and Zima.”

DeKuntz has reportedly attempted to meet single gay men at some of the weddings he produces, but that such exchanges have been fleeting at best.

“There was one busboy back in ’03—Pablo, he called himself,” DeKuntz beamed with a wry grin. “I suppose ‘called himself’ is a bit of an overstatement, though, since all he said was ‘me Pablo, you cock.’ Next thing I knew, we were 69-ing in the back seat of a Caprice while the bride and groom cut the cake. Mercy!”

"Pablo," resplendent in chipotle, cilantro, and busboy chic

And while he has not completely surrendered to a resigned solitude, DeKuntz feels that his chance for true romance withers with the setting sun of each passing day.

“Time was when an encounter at a bus station glory hole would cheer me up for weeks,” DeKuntz reflected while dabbing his eyes with a freshly starched handkerchief. “But now, not even a midnight handjob from a bi-curious 14-year-old in the men's room of the shelter house at Swan Creek Park can brighten my spirits.”

Labels: , ,

Successful Office Group's Business Services

Subcomandante Bob has learned that the Successful Office Group has a new program that can help small business people who lack financial resources. Just exchange your time and posts on social bookmarking sites, and you can barter services that will help improve your business image. Follow this link to learn more about this unique opportunity for posters.

Be sure to also check out the answering service offered by the Successful Office Group. If you own a small business and can't afford to pay someone to answer the phones, you could be losing out on many opportunities. This was a sponsored post.


Toilet "Roll Rage" Incident Leaves 4 Injured

Left: An empty toilet paper dispenser sparked the workplace violence

(Toledo, OH) Frustrated by what he called "years of inconsiderate twits" at his workplace, Toledo resident Kevin Herrington lashed out at coworkers on Saturday, injuring four of his coworkers.

Herrington said that "snapped" when he reached for the bathroom tissue and found that the last bathroom user failed to replace the empty roll at the restroom of the General Motors Hydromatic facility on Alexis Road. Police charged him with four counts of misdemeanor assault.

"I had a bad case of the runs, so I didn't stop to check if there was TP in the stall," the UAW member told Toledo Tales reporters after being released on $10,000 bond. "After blasting out a double dose of trouser chili, I noticed that there was no goddamned toilet paper."

Herrington must complete an anger management course in addition to any court-imposed fines

Making matters worse, said Herrington, none of the other nearby stalls had paper, either, forcing him to have to develop an alternate plan to handle the excessive brownie batter hanging from his posterior.

"So I'm dancing around, hot chocolate dripping from my ass, and nothing to wipe with," he recalled, lighting up a cigarette after his brief period of detention in the Lucas County Jail. "I had to pull some dirty hand towels out of the trash can to get cleaned up. Man, I was fucking fuming when I walked out of the can."

Left: Herrington's emergency ass stash

Coworkers who witnessed the half-naked Herrington in the men's room after his ill-fated bowl painting were the targets of his fury, he added.

"There's a whole group of them fuckers standing outside the bathroom, laughing when I walked out," he said of his victims. "So I grabbed a couple of fistfuls of 18-8 machine screws and started pegging those pricks. Yeah, I shouldn't have hit them with the screws, but did any one of them help me out when I was dying in the can? They're monsters, that's what they are."

Labels: , ,

Turn to AIMpromote for Quality CRM software

You work hard trying to boost sales and keep customers happy, so the last thing you need is confusing, poorly-designed customer relationship management software. This is doubly true if you have a sales force that needs to be pouding the pavement drumming up business, instead of sitting in the office trying to figure out some lousy CRM program the owner's nephew cooked up.

If you are in the market for quality CRM software, look no further than AIMpromote. The company has a significantly lower cost of implementation and total cost of ownership than their competitors, and AIMpromote is simply the best choice for increasing sales and improving business intelligence. This was a sponsored post.

Bob Looks at His Navel

The sun peeked out in between the clouds this afternoon, and Subcomandante Bob paused to examine his navel as he caught a few rays sitting out in front of Toledo's Cherry Street Mission.

Despite the fact that he did not shower this morning, his navel was in remarkably fine shape. There was nary a speck of fuzz, nor the telltale navel odor that indicates Bob is desperately in need of improving his personal hygiene.

All was well in both the world and Bob's navel. This concludes this test of the Emergency Navel Examination Network.

Labels: ,

Oh, How Bob Loves PayPerPost

There was a point in Subcomandante Bob's life when things were more than bleak, when he began to think that life was no longer living, when even the sound of birds chirping in the morning began to sound like a funeral dirge.

That had nothing to do with PayPerPost, but rather when Cameron Diaz walked out on Bob for the last time after months of his poor behavior and issues with personal hygiene. Cameron, you see, had problems with a guy who spends many nights face down in the lawn.

PayPerPost, though, is an excellent way for bloggers to earn much-needed cash. Using this unique third-party system has allowed Bob to justify spending many hours on the computer at the public library, chasing away fellow homeless duffs like himself with a self-righteous growl: "HEY! I'm working here, pal!"

You can learn more about viral marketing and other high-falutin' concepts over on the PayPerpost website. This, by the way, was a sponsored post, for which Bob and the local liquor store are very grateful.



Local Man the "Mack Daddy" of Online Poll Manipulation

(Toledo, OH) Life for unemployed steelworker Travis Rogers has admittedly been "kind of bleak" since being laid off six months ago.

Still, the Toledo resident has developed an unusual niche in cyberspace, becoming what he described as a "professional poll manipulator."

"Pretty basically, I go to a site like CNN.com and jack with the online polls they post," he said, sipping from a cup of coffee. "Like the other day, when I singlehandedly turned around a poll on Queen Elizabeth II from 76% 'favorable' to 92% 'unfavorable.' Anyone looking at the poll results when I got finished would assume that Americans think more highly of crack whores carrying Hepatitis C than the Queen of England."

Rogers said that he uses a variety of "legal and illegal techniques" in his quest for poll obfuscation.

"You name it: IP proxies, multiple browsers, switching from Explorer to Firefox - there's a million ways to outsmart a polling program," he chuckled, pausing to push up favorable numbers on a People.com poll on Paris Hilton. "When someone like me wants to take down the system, no poll is safe."

Left: Rogers helped sway a People.com poll, with 97% of respondents agreeing with the statement that "Paris Hilton is a good role model for children"

One of the highpoints of Rogers' new career as a poll manipulator occurred after the Cho Seung-Hui massacre at Virginia Tech.

"I was working overtime to change public opinion on the causes of the shooting on a CBS.com poll," he laughed. "By the end of Tuesday I had 71% of respondents blaming the tragedy on the guy's poor parents. Fucking pricless!"

Labels: , ,

New Wirefly Cell Phone Accessory Store

Subcomandante Bob knows that you have busy lives, and that you don't have the time to dash off to one of those cell phone stores at the mall when you want to splurge on some fine-looking cell phone accessories.

That is why Bob recommends you check out WireFly Mobile, your best option for cell phone accessories. At Wirefly you can get great deals on hard-to-find items like car chargers, plus you are guaranteed to find the exact item you need, instead of depending on that pimply-faced, sullen-looking 17-year-old kid at the local cell phone store. THAT guy would probably sell you the wrong part just for kicks. This was a sponsored post.


Opinion: God Don’t Make No Trash, But…

A Toledo Tales Guest Editorial
by Father Jon O’Brien

Father O’Brien: Minister to Toledo’s human refuse

Back in the seventies, when this nation first began to struggle with substance abuse, urban decay, and homelessness, the adage “God don’t make no trash” was coined to help folks realize that no matter how dire the situation, the good Lord loved them. And in my seventeen years as an ordained priest, I have found this to be true. Well, at least to a certain extent: God don’t make no trash, but there’s some fucked up people on this planet.

Take this one parishioner who I’ll call “Clarence.” Clarence is a full-blown nymphomaniac, and doesn’t care who or what he bangs as long as he gets off. One time he confessed that he had sex with a one-eyed waitress and two feral cats in a dumpster behind the Monroe Street Kroger after a long, sweaty night huffing paint thinner. Hell, just last Wednesday I caught him in the women’s restroom, stroking himself like the dickens to the youth underwear section of a Sears catalog from 1987. Not exactly what I’d call a productive citizen, if you know what I mean.

Then there’s “Sarah.” Sarah’s a schizophrenic homeless woman who isn’t Catholic and never attends mass, but always shows up for pancake breakfasts and canned food drives. The last time she was here she stank so bad of feces, tuna fish, and pot resin that Sister Miriam got the dry heaves. This is the same Sister Miriam, mind you, who grew up on a Michigan farm slaughtering hogs and has a steel trap for a stomach.

And finally we have “Martin,” who is about four hundred years old and has survived enough strokes to kill a large puma. Martin is a veteran, a God-fearing man, but he’s so bitter and senile in his old age that he’s taken to hooting during my homilies as if this were some Southern Baptist revival. I preached a message of tolerance and peace last Sunday, and halfway through, like clockwork, comes Martin a-screeching “we should bomb those sand-niggers back to Stonehenge just like the good book say!”

So sure, God may not make trash, but he’s made a butt-load of whack jobs and crazies in this town.

Labels: , ,

Local Dog Pretty Sure Neighboring Wolfhounds are Terrorists

(Toledo, OH) A local canine interviewed by Toledo Tales believes that a pair of Russian wolfhounds are actually part of a terrorist cell.

Hopper, a black-and-white dog of multiple ancestries, said that he has been "closely monitoring" the suspicious-looking dogs for years now, but no one seems to be listening to his warnings.

"Listen - these dogs cheered when the Twin Towers and the Pentagon were hit on 9/11. They actually called it 'beautiful.' Can you believe this shit?" he yapped. "Terrorist-loving thugs like this should never be given the benefit of the doubt - haul 'em off to Guanatamo Bay straight away, I say."

Hopper added that he is "frightened" that the wolfhounds are plotting a deadly local attack.

"The government knows of at least 12 Hamas, Hezbollah, and al-Qaeda terror cells in New York, Flint, Phoenix and Philadelphia. These are groups that train members to pack themselves with explosives and detonate themselves on subways, on buses and in shopping malls," he barked. "Just look at those shifty bastards over there. Most of you want to keep your heads in the sand not wanting to look at the terror problems we face, but Hopper is on guard 24/7. Y'all just need to listen to me, that's all."

Labels: , , ,

Check Out Madison Ambush

Alright, you head-banging freaks of nature, listen up: there is a hard rock band that Bob just got wind of that you need to check out called Madison Ambush.

The band bills itself as a cross between Faith No More and Sanford&Son, and they deliver riff-laden tunes reminiscent of Guns N' Roses and Collective Soul. Clean-edged, gritty guitars with a legitimate intensity today's emo-idiots can't muster, and the dudes can play their axes.

Well, what are you waiting for? Go to the Madison Ambush website and give this up-and-coming band a listen, Bubba.


Bob Recommends AIMpromote's CRM Software

Subcomandante Bob knows that you business professionals have a tough time keeping your customer data organized, and that there are a ton of poorly-designed Customer Relationship Management software applications that make plenty of promises, but do not deliver.

If you are looking for a seamless CRM application that puts your sales force in a position to focus more on making sales - and less on learning software - be sure to check out the AIMpromote system.

AIMpromote allows team leaders to provide only those features that are needed available to the sales team, leaving them with less to learn. There is just no point in giving sales associates a new electronic tool that will take them months to master.

A technology leader in sales lead management, AIMpromote sets new standards in online sales management software. Sign up for a free trial now and see how AIMpromote can be a competitive advantage for your organization. This was a sponsored post.


Fart That Man Thought was a Turd Really Just a Fart

(Toledo, OH) Local plumbing salesman Jerry Winnecki dodged a "potentially dangerous event" last week en route to a client's place of business.

"I was stuck in traffic on I-75 when I ripped what I thought was a massive fart," he said. "As it came out, though, I was sure I had just shit my pants with one of those wet farts - 'sharts,' my kids call them."

Winnecki said that he "almost died of embarassment" when he entered Janney's Ace Hardware on Alexis Road.

"I was convinced I had a big old runny stain on the back of my pants," he said. "And I thought everyone in Janney's could smell my rectal accident."

Fortunately for Winnecki, though, the "assplosion" turned out to be a false alarm.

"After hitting the hardware store I stopped at a McDonald's to check my underwear," he said. "It was like a miracle - not a drop of liquid ass juice anywhere. I tell you what: that was enough of a reminder to get me back to church. God works in mysterious ways, I always say."

Labels: , , , ,

Bob Gives Two Thumbs Up for Ultimate Paintball

Subcomandante Bob has long been an afficianado of the sport known colloquially as paintball. When the revolution comes, and the proverbial dookie hits the fan, there are few methods of preparation better for would-be revolutionaries than paintball.

Ultimate Paintball is the best online source for paintball supplies, and they sell Tippmann, Spyder, Smart Parts, Dye, and Draxxus paintball gear. Turn to Ultimate Paintball for your paintball markers and paintball guns, as this company is the ultimate paintball store.

Subcomandante Bob was compensated for his opinions in this post, but don't let that stop you from checking out Ultimate Paintball for your next mock battle.

Labels: ,

Copyright 2007, Toledo Tales ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. Toledo Tales ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of Toledo Tales ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Toledo Tales ® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?