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Local Bowler To Spend New Years Eve At Home

(Toledo, OH) Unhappy with Imperial Lane's decision to host a New Years Eve extravaganza, local bowling afficianado Nathan "Nappy" Jazubowski will opt to stay at home.

"Yeah, the bastards are not running their usual late-night glow bowling special," he said. "Instead, it's a $40 per person bowling-and-prime rib buffet. Who the hell can afford that kind of dough and still be able to buy a dime bag?"

Jazubowski said that the decision means he will not be able to continue a cherished tradition.

"I like to throw my best strike ball at the stroke of midnight," he said, shaking his head. "I had strikes in 1992, 1994 and 2001 to ring in the new year, which was always a miracle, because I usually just about comatose by midnight."

Jazubowski said that he has already prepared quite a feast for he, his roommate, and any "fine-tastic babes" who might venture over to the Jazubowski crib.

"Yeah, we've got Geno's pizza rolls, Doritos, and three cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon," he said. "And my man Jimmy says he's gonna drop off a little herbal sumpin-sumpin, if you know what I mean."

Imperial Lanes manager Mark Nicholson declined comment, except to say that Jazubowski is a "world-class douchebag" and a "borderline imbecile."


Columbia Gas Announces It Has Fleeced Public Enough, Lowers Prices

(Columbus, OH) After posting record profits in 2005, Columbia Gas announced today that it will lower natural gas prices in January.

The company sought approval for a rate of $1.36 per 100 cubic feet, down 13 percent from its $1.57 rate earlier submitted to PUCO.

"Hey man, we cleaned up like ravenous pigs in the past 12 months," said Martin Harrington of Columbia Gas. "We figured we could toss a couple of bucks back to the people."

Columbia Gas customers can choose from nine different suppliers, but PUCO's price comparison chart shows none offering a rate lower than Columbia Gas. Harrington acknowledged the pricing situation.

"Yeah, you went from a monopoly to a cartel," he snickered, waving a fistful of $100 bills. "Did you really buy into that 'free market' bullshit we spewed a few years back? God, you people are ignorant."

The average customer bill next month, Harrington said, will be about $279, down from $316 it could have been.

"We want you to take that $37 and do something fun with it, like buying Columbia Gas stock," he laughed. "Of course, you probably are just going to put it in your car's gas tank, but we can dream, can't we?"


Finkbeiner To Hold Breath In Protest Of Costco

(Toledo, OH) Mayor-elect Carty Finkbeiner, angered at plans to build a Costco location in the Westgate Shopping Center, unveiled a new plan to counter the proposed retail development.

"From the end of this press conference until, well, I turn blue, I will hold my breath," said Finkbeiner, taking a few preliminary deep breaths. "I don't care if my lungs explode - these fuckers will not ruin Westgate."

Finkbeiner believes that Westgate can be saved by reconfiguring its existing design.

"All we really need is some paint and some good old-fashioned elbow grease," he said, rolling up his sleeves. "And I'll be damned if I will take another breath until Costco agrees not to build here."

Finkbeiner, who recently underwent heart surgery, dowmplayed his health issues.

"Look - I've got a job to do," he said, taking a final breath. "My lungs can hold a lot of air, and I can outlast Costco."

Subcomandante Bob gives a holla to J.J. for the story suggestion


Blade To Unveil Exposé On Christ

Left: Jesus Christ, subject of an upcoming Blade investigation

(Toledo, OH) The Pulitzer-winning Toledo Blade announced today an investigative series on Jesus Christ, the self-proclaimed Son of God.

Publisher John Robinson Block said that the series makes sense in many ways.

"Look, you know every Christian is going to pick up the paper every day this runs," he said while pinning live moths to a corkboard. "Besides, I am the Annointed One, so who the hell is this clown trying to take over my place?"

The issue of campaign contributions is an important piece of the investigation, said Block.

"OK, so he's like King or Ruler or something," he said. "Those first loaves and fishes - did he declare that shit on federal disclosure forms? I think not."

Block said that Christ also has some hidden tax problems.

"Yeah, he went all apeshit on those tax collectors," he said, grabbing an escaping moth. "You can't mess with the IRS and not get some serious payback. We have sources who say that they are gonna hit him with some major levies."

The exposé, according to Block, will also raise questions about Christ's non-traditional lifestyle.

"What's a guy like that hanging around with 12 other dudes for?" he asked. "Plus, the whole "suffer the children" thing - what is he, some kind of pedophile? Look, I'm just asking the questions. It's not like I am out to get him or anything."


McCloskey Makes His Move

Left: Bob McCloskey with unnamed associate

(Toledo, OH) City councilperson Bob McCloskey lashed out Monday against critics who believe he is not qualified to run for council president.

"What do ya mean, funny? Let me understand this cause, I don't know maybe it's me, I'm a little fucked up maybe, but I'm funny how?" McCloskey demanded. "I mean, funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh... I'm here to fuckin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?"

McCloskey took swipes at the Toledo Blade, which he feels has been engaging in a political vendetta against him.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he asked rhetorically. "You're hanging around my fuckin' neck like a vulture, like impending death!"

The would-be council president recounted a meeting with Don Lichtenwald, boss of Teamsters Local 20.

"He said, "No, you're gonna tell me something today, tough guy," said McCloskey. "I said, 'All right, I'll tell you something: go fuck your mother.'"


Study: Feces Of Ottawa Hills Residents Really Does Not Smell

(Ottawa Hills, Ohio) Confirming the self-assessments of residents in this exclusive enclave, a university study determined that fecal matter of Ottawa Hills citizens does not have an offensive odor.

In fact, many residents excrete a waste product that smells rather like roses, researchers found.

This is no surprise to socialite Marge Brandingham, contacted by Toledo Tales for this article.

“It’s amazing what proper breeding will do,” she said. “However, living in the village also results in the acquisition of E.coli olfactorius pleasantus, a very neat intestinal bacterium.”

The study also found that residents do not emit other bodily odors often occurring in humans.

Jim Braxton, manager of the Bancroft Street Five Star Market, said that sales of personal care products such as deodorant and feminine hygiene items seem to be restricted to UT students.

“Ottawa Hills residents just don’t seem to smell,” he said. “There are a few newcomers who still need to buy those products, though, but that seems to fade in about a year.”

Brandigham said that she feels vindicated.

"We have been telling outsiders this for years," she said. "Now we have proof that Ottawa Hills residents are a breed apart from the rest of humanity."


Happy Holidays From Subcomandante Bob - You Licentious Reprobates!

(Toledo, OH) If Bob were not passed out right now, he would be trying to cadge a couple of bucks from you.

Since he is, indeed, drunk beyond comprehension, we will offer you holiday greetings.

May your holiday season not involve DUIs, groping your hot cousin in the garage, or a visit by the Department of Homeland Security.

Unless you actually enjoy body cavity searches. In that case, you are a really sick person, and you should be writing for this e-zine.


Don Lichtenwald and McCloskey Get Ready To Rumble

Left: Trouble ahead for McCloskey and the Don?

(Toledo, OH) After dropping his bid to become Toledo city council president, Bob McCloskey did an about-face and announced today he will, indeed, seek the post.

McCloskey said that he did not worry about the likely repercussions from Don Lichtenwald, Local 20 Teamsters boss.

"I don't care how many daigo guinea WOP greaseball goombahs come out of the woodwork!" he defiantly told a Toledo Tales reporter. "Well let me tell you something, my Kraut Mick friend! I'm gonna make so much trouble for you, you won't know what hit you!"

A runner from the Don attempted to pass a message to McCloskey, but he refused to listen.

"You sonofabitch, do you know who I am? I'm Bob McCloskey!" he shouted, punching the messenger in the face. "I made my bones when you were going out with cheerleaders."

McCloskey then apologized for the outburst.

"I guess I'm getting too old for my job, too grouchy," he said, shaking his head. "Can't stand the aggravation."

The Don, contacted by Toledo Tales, appeared to take the news in stride.

""Some day, and that day may never come, I will call upon McCloskey to do a service for me," he said. "But uh, until that day, accept this justice as a gift on my daughter's wedding day."

The Don scribbled a note to the messenger and turned to this reporter.

"Today I settled all family business, so don't tell me you're innocent," he said.

Don Lichtenwald Speaks Out

Left: the misunderstood Don

(Toledo, OH) Fresh from delivering an ultimatum to councilperson Frank Szollosi, Teamsters Local 20 boss Bill Lichtenwald sat down with Toledo Tales to get his side of the story out.

The Don wondered aloud how the relationship between he and Szollosi went wrong.

"What have I ever done to make Frank treat me so disrespectfully?" he asked. "If he'd come to me in friendship, then this scum would be suffering this very day. And if by chance an honest man like Frank should make enemies, then they would become my enemies. And then they would fear him."

Lichtenwald believed that he had been cautious in his comments to Szollosi.

"I spent my whole life trying not to be careless," he said, swirling some chianti in the bottom of his wine glass. "Women and children can be careless. But not men."

The Don spoke of his relationship with mayor-elect Carty Finkbeiner.

"I never wanted this for Carty. I work my whole life - I don't apologize - to take care of my family, and I refused to be a fool, dancing on the string held by all those bigshots," he said. "I don't apologize - that's my life - but I thought that, that when it was your time, that you would be the one to hold the string. Senator Finkbeiner; Governor Finkbeiner. Well, it wasn't enough time."

Turning to Subcomandante Bob, Lichtenwald became misty-eyed.

"Do you spend time with your family? Good," he said to the inebriated Tales editor. "Because a man that doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man."


Frank Szollosi Gets An Offer

Left: Teamsters boss Bill Lichtenwald

(Toledo, OH) Councilman Frank Szollosi met with Bill Lichtenwald, president of Teamsters Local 20, yesterday morning at the Hotel Radisson. Szollosi said he wanted to reach a "reasonable" compromise in the fight for the council presidency.

"I went to see him; only this time he was with Luca Brasi," said Szollosi. "He made me an offer I couldn't refuse. Luca Brasi held a gun to my head and Lichtenwald assured me that either my brains, or my signature, would be on the contract."

Szollosi said that he was surprised at Don Lichtenwald's tactics, but a friend put him straight on the issue.

""Whatya gonna do? Nice college boy, eh? Don't wanna get mixed up in the family business?" Szollosi quoted his friend. "Whataya think this is, the Army, where you shoot 'em a mile away? You gotta get up close like this... badaBING! you blow their brains all over your nice Ivy League suit. C'mere... you're taking this very personal."

Lichtenwald confirmed the meeting with Szollosi and said he was within his rights as a citizen to express his views to an councilperson about his support for Mark Sobczak as president.

""It makes no difference to me what a man does for a living, understand," said Lichtenwald. ""But I'm a superstitious man. And if some unlucky accident should befall Mark Sobczak- If he should get shot in the head by a police officer, or if he should hang himself in his jail cell - or if he's struck by a bolt of lightning, them I'm going to blame some of the people in this room."

Szollosi said he hopes that a visit to Don Richtenwald's daughter's wedding will patch things up.

"No Teamster can refuse any request on his daughter's wedding day," said Szollosi. "I hope that his daughter's first child is a boy."


Toledo Man Ponders Break-Up While Browsing Lingerie

By Billy Pilgrim, Former Lapdance Connoisseur and Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

Left: Curtis and Liz during happier times

Curtis Townsend seriously considered ending his five-year relationship with fiancée Liz Dorsey earlier today as he rummaged through messy piles of underwear and bras at Victoria’s Secret, located at the Westfield Shopping Center in Toledo.

Though Townsend has felt open contempt for his future-wife during previous marathon shopping sprees, never has it struck so deeply at the core of his being.

“God, I fucking hate this,” Townsend vented as he sifted through a row of lacy thongs. “If I go conservative, she’ll think I shopped last minute, and if I go risqué, she’ll never wear it. Plus, Liz gained like, six or seven pounds this year. I should ask for the ring back tonight at dinner.”

According to Townsend’s close friends, his aversion to Ms. Dorsey has grown immensely in recent weeks, leaving many “dropped” cellular calls and canceled dates in its wake.

“Townie’s a dog, straight up,” revealed Tim Buck, a former roommate and college chum. “We went to Nick & Jimmy’s last Friday, and he faked static and broken reception just to get off the phone with her. If they make it past New Year’s, I’ll slam my balls in a desk drawer.”


Local Man Tired Of Being Asked For Dancing Tips

(Toledo, OH) Local resident Jon Hewitt, who recently began work at a local branch of a Big 8 accounting firm, says that he has been "beseiged" by coworkers asking him for advice on dancing.

"Yes, I am black, and no, I cannot dance," said Hewitt. "I can't believe these people; one woman came up to me and started quoting lines from 'Save The Last Dance,' thinking I was going to bust into some jive-ass impromptu soft-shoe routine."

Hewitt, who just graduated from UT with a double major in accounting and finance, said that even administrators ask him about dancing.

"This one VP stopped in the middle of a presentation and began to gyrate around the room," he said, adding that his favorite musician is Josh Groban. "He started up with this: 'Yo Jon, how's my Krumpin?'"

Hewitt said that he hopes the novelty of a black accountant will soon pass.

"I'd hate to leave this place because the money is good and there are opportunities to get transferred to New York," he said. "But if these people find out I can't even do the Electric Shuffle, it might kill my career."


Crook Finds Stealing Candy From Babies "Overrated"

(Toledo, OH) Ronnie Brecker has been employed in various criminal activities over the years, including car theft, drug sales, and burglary. He toled Toledo Tales that his latest venture, however, was not worth the trouble.

"Yeah, I'd been hearing how easy it is to steal candy from babies, so I figured I'd give it a try," said Brecker. "It's easy all right, but what do you do with the shit? There is, like, no after-market for Dum-Dums."

Brecker said that toddlers are also "terrible victims."

"Most people clam right up once they see the gun," he said. "But, no! Not little Brianna; she's got to scream at the top of her lungs. Then, when you give 'em a quick reminder smack, they scream even more."

Another drawback, according to Brecker, is the quality of the merchandise.

"There little bastards have no eye for top-notch candy; all they want is the goddamn sugar," he said. "And then, when I want to eat a chunk of Laffy Taffy I heisted from some sniveling 2-year old, I find that the little freak ate from it and stuck it back in the package. Screw this!"


Local Woman Tries Black, and Does Not, In Fact, Automatically Go Back

By Billy Pilgrim, Toxin-Free Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—Marcia Gonzalez grew up in a traditional Latino family, so it was a considerable concern for her parents when she went on her first date with African-American co-worker Trent Jameson.

But after a string of bad relationships with “Toledo thugs” and “corporate yuppies,” Ms. Gonzalez had an evening marked by respect, chivalry, and a few polite political jokes, and is considering a second date next Friday.

“I had no idea Trent was so well read,” Gonzalez beamed. “After some light discussion about the mayor situation, we talked about Jane Austen all through dinner. God, he’s a catch!”

Unfortunately, Gonzalez’s family does not share her enthusiasm for her newfound romance. Simpatico, her frail 77-year old aunt, scoffed at the idea of interracial courtship. In an exclusive interview with Toledo Tales, Simpatico blasted her niece, stating that “she want be bitch now” and “why not nice boy with Mercedes.”

Despite these candid familial objections, Trent Jameson is taking the situation in stride, and is content to let the relationship run its course: “Marcia is beautiful, and we have a lot in common. I plan to take this slow and really get to know her.”

When prompted about her family’s prejudicial views, however, Jameson grew reserved.

“Now that you mention it, someone did throw a brick through my bay window last night,” Jameson revealed in a hushed whisper. “I just assumed it was Bill White trying to get a hard-on.”

Last Solo Doctor In Toledo Sells To Promedica

(Toledo, OH) The last remaining physician with a practic not purchased by Toledo's health care conglomerates caved in this week and accepted a lucrative offer from Promedica.

"The handwriting was on the wall, and I knew that I could ill afford to compete with these massive corporations," said Dr. Patrick Navin of Toledo. "Hey - I've still got med school loans to pay off. Why kill myself scratching out a living when I can make twice as much money at half the time?"

Promedica Healthcare, with over 15,000 employees, 2,700 doctors, and operating in 23 counties, is the largest healthcare provider in Northwest Ohio and Southeast Michigan.

Navin said that he had little choice in accepting the "offer that could not be refused."

"These people do not screw around. They came in with six guys who looked like linebackers, and they were packing heat," he said. "The lead negotiator told me flat out: 'bad things can happen to good people, you know what I mean?' I can read between the lines."


Suspicious Fire Damages Christian School

(Toledo, OH) A suspicious two-alarm fire caused about extensive damage yesterday at Emmanuel Baptist Christian School in West Toledo, forcing the cancellation of classes.

A fire department spokesperson said that there were "multiple possibilities" of the fire's origin.

"There was a burning bush out front that may have triggered the blaze," said the spokesperson. "Also, we are looking into rumors of 'tongues of fire' that may have gotten out of control."

Church officials denied the suggestion that the blaze was caused by an angry God.

"Oh no, none of that fire-and-brimstone action here," said Pastor Philip De Courcy. "When God is pissed, he totally destroys whatever is in the way; He would have definitely smited the church and the football field if He was mad at us, because He told us in Luke that 'the chaff He will burn with fire unquenchable.' This one definitely got quenched."


Toddler Nominated To Fill Council Seat

Left: Would-be councilperson Zachary Higgens

(Toledo, OH) After B Team Democrats nominated a 22-year old woman to take the seat vacated by Bob McCloskey, A Team Democrats nominated a toddler for the same position.

Zachary Higgens, 18 months, will be presented to the full council on Monday for questioning.

"Look - if a 22-year old can do the job, so can a rugrat," said outgoing COuncil President Louis Escobar. "There is no reason why Zach cannot perform as well as some of the other slugs in this place."

Republican councilperson Rob Ludeman embraced the nomination.

"The kid loves to say the word "No," so it's clear he's not another tax-and-spend liberal," said Ludeman. "Also, the way he throws his toys around I think he might intimidate some of the stronger personalities on council."

Higgens refused to speak to reporters from Toledo Tales, opting instead to smear chocolate cake on his mother's kitchen wall.

"He really has a good grasp of policy issues," said his mother, Karen Higgens of East Toledo. "Besides, his "gimme gimme" style makes him a natural fit to take Bob McCloskey's seat."


Martians: Franklin Park Mall Is "Spacist"

(Toledo, OH) A group of concerned aliens descended upon Franklin Park mall this week to protest what they claim is overt spacism.

“Martians from all walks of life shop at this mall, but you never see any pictures of us,” said Grujurb Smarnigalb, a spokesbeing for the group. “Our money is just as good as that of humans.”

Smarnigalb pointed to a collection of wall-sized murals, showing happy faces of affluent mall shoppers.

“Sure. If you have don’t have a third eye in your forehead, they make you feel welcome,” he said. “But if you have the audacity to have been born a little different, they harass you.”

Smarnigalb said that aliens suspected of shoplifting have been subjected to unusually harsh treatment, including body cavity searches.

“Look, this is all payback for those supposed anal probes,” he said. “We never did any of that shit. The humans who make up those claims have some serious Freudian issues.”

Smarnigalb said the group is next going to target Hollywood for its offensive alien stereotypes.

"We're not all a bunch of killers like in Alien or Predator films," he said. "Most of us are down-to-Earth, middle class types with mortgages and crummy jobs like everyone else. We put our pants on three legs at a time, that's all."

Former Jeep Employee Mails Boss Box of Shit

By Billy Pilgrim, Fervent 12-Stepper and Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH) Frank Windham dreamed of the day he could build his family a new home in Ottawa Hills and pay off his wife’s mounting credit card debt. But when Jeep fired him less than two weeks before Christmas, Windham was left with only one option: he mailed Ray Manning, his former boss, a 10-pound package full of feces.

“They call it the season of giving,” Windham muttered as he sipped a 16-ounce coffee from a nearby BP gas station. “Manning gave me the pink slip, so I gave him the gift that keeps on giving — a cornucopia of stink.”

According to Belinda Windham, Frank’s wife of 17 years, her husband spent "three whole days" with their 9 year old son Lewis canvassing the neighborhood, scooping every dog turd and squirrel pellet they could find.

“I always tell Frank he needs to spend more time with me and the kids,” sighed Mrs. Windham. “I had no idea he would take Lewis through the neighbors’ yards with a shovel and a trash bag.”

While Daimler Chrysler declined to comment at press time, a corporate secretary—who insisted on her anonymity—revealed the savage moment when Manning opened his butt-bundle.

“It was fucking hilarious,” our Jeep informant revealed between childish snickers. “Have you ever seen a grown man barf on his own rolodex? I might quit after New Year’s just so I can mail the bastard a bucket of piss.”


Toledo Adult Film Star To Play Anne Frank

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—Local actress Trish Cooter, star of such adult films as Whore Buffet and Fingerblastin’, recently accepted the title role in an upcoming pornographic biography of Holocaust diarist Anne Frank, despite the fervent protests of local churches and religious organizations.

Left: Ms. Cooter Reveals the Horny Holocaust Victim Within

Minotaur Pictures’ Magic in the Attic is slated for production later this month, and will feature a set in the historic West End to recreate the ambiance of 1940s Nazi Poland. Though the film has a meager $9,000 budget, producers hope it will have blockbuster appeal for its scintillating action, captivating dialogue, and ethnically diverse cast.

Director and screenwriter Shawn Biggs claims that the film will be an accurate and moving portrayal of a young girl caught in the harrowing brutality of war.

“What the religious community fails to realize,” Biggs scorned, “is that this story has been abused, warped, and thoroughly cheapened by Hollywood sleazeballs for decades. 1949’s Hidden Away had a fucking eunuch play Anne, and 1968’s psychedelic musical Jew Love was downright abysmal. We’re bringing integrity, and a bit of lust, back to this narrative.”

But few Toledans share Biggs’ view. Father James Patterson of St. Mary’s Parish called Minotaur Pictures “a heretical affront to all that is pure in this world,” and vowed to lead the local Catholic opposition by staging sit-ins and other forms of nonviolent demonstration outside the production zone.

Rabbi Eli Schwartz, an Ann Arbor activist well known for his crusades against adult entertainment, also lamented what he called “a racist venture” worthy of “apoplectic rage” among the Jewish community.

“Is this what Americans what to watch these days?,” Schwartz sadly wondered, “all this schtupping and shvitzing and meshugge business? I’ll tell you this: in a culture of schmuck jokes and dirtiness, only our ancient traditions can save us.”


Daimler-Chrysler Announces 377 New Supplier Plants on Stickney

(Toledo, OH) Daimler-Chrysler (DCX) CEO Dieter Zetsche announced today that the company has signed deals with hundreds of suppliers and subcontractors to produce everything needed for the hot-selling Jeep Liberty.

“We want to focus on selling the cars, rather than actually building them ourselves,” he said. “Think Nike: it’s just the brand awareness we want to concentrate on.”

One of the most important features of the innovative relationships is the reduction in highly paid union workers, said Zetsche.

“Through these partnerships, we will have reduced plant employment down to one person,” he said. “This position will be known as ‘ornament dude.’”

‘Ornament dude’ will glue the Jeep nameplate on the hood, and will allow the company to continue to market the automobile as a union product.

Zetsche took issue with opponents of the moves.

“Look, the handwriting is on the wall,” he said. “No Fortune 500 company actually makes anything any more. Why should we keep up the charade?”

News of the agreement sent DCX stock skyrocketing nearly $14 a share, closing at $55.17. Analysts said the gain reflects investor confidence that the outsourcing measures will improve profitability.

Area Dog Protests Bland Biscuits

(Toledo, OH) A local canine interviewed by Toledo Tales is angry at what he considers to be inferior treats.

Hopper, a black-and-white dog of multiple ancestries, decried the purported decline in biscuit quality.

"So, I protect your house, chase away cats, and bark at the mailman, but all you give me is this chalky-tasting piece of crap?" he asked, eyeing the proffered Milkbone. "Come on; don't I deserve better than that?"

Hopper said that he recalled days in which steak scraps were the norm.

"Yeah, you used to hook me up good," he said, shifting his weight back and forth between front and back legs. "And you wouldn't make me do stupid stuff to get it."

The arrival of the new baby, according to Hopper, seems to have been the point in which treat quality began to nosedive.

"Sure. It's 'Megan did this' and 'Megan did that' and 'Megan, don't bite Hopper's ear' all frigging day long," he said, tail thumping on the floor. "The baby farts and the house goes nuts, but I, your faithful friend for well nigh seven years, get fed tasteless, preformed bone meal."

Hopper hopes that the situation improves, and says he is weighing his options.

"Have you ever eaten one of these?" he asked in between bites. "Until you have walked a mile on my paws, you really don't know me."


Finkbeiner To Run All City Departments

(Toledo, OH) In an acknowledgement of his micromanagerial style, mayor-elect Carty Finkbeiner announced today that he will simultaneously act as director of all city departments.

"You know, I' just going to fire 'em all anyways within three months," he said of prospective department heads. "I may as well just run it all my self."

Finkbeiner, who was criticized in his first two terms for his lightning-quick temper, said that the move will prevent further lawsuits.

"If I have no department heads, there will be no one to chuck coffe cups at," he said. "I'll scream at myself when things get screwed up, and then I will fix the problem."

City Council passed a resolution approving the measure unanimously.

"Hey, do you want to be the one to tell the guy he can't have what he wants?" asked councilperson Betty Schultz. "Not me. I want to live to see retirement."


Visiting Nazis Strike Out In Toledo Clubs

The thirteenth segment in continuous live coverage of Nazifest 2005 Mach 2

(Toledo, OH) Despite freshly-pressed uniforms and shiny boots, members of the National Socialist Movement (NSM) apparently did not fare well in Toledo bars last night.

Shawna Wilson, 22, of Toledo said that several NSM mambers sat down at a table in Bijou's Saturday night.

"They were all like: 'So, do you Aryan babes come here often,'" she said. "And we were all like: 'What? We don't know anyone named Ariel.'"

Wilson said that she and her friends thought at first that the neo-Nazi bar hoppers were "like Marines, or something," but that they soon found out about Nazi politics.

"They were, like, so totally a bunch of racist pigs," she said. "The one named Mark really needs to do something about the whole bad teeth thingy, too."

Wilson said that the NSM members did not seem to take hints well.

"We were all like: 'Umm...our like, boyfriends are meeting us,' but they wouldn't leave," she said. "We finally told them we were bi-racial, and they got up and left. What a bunch of dorks."


Snowstorm Blankets Region; Bill White Blames City

The eleventh segment in continuous live coverage of Nazifest 2005 Mach 2

(Toledo, OH) Thursday's storm spawned snow showers across the southern Great Lakes and into the Ohio Valley, with several areas reporting anywhere from 5 to 9 inches of snow accumulation.

Bill White, spokesperson for the National Socialist Movement (NSM), blamed city leaders for the snowfall.

"It is clear that the spineless Toledo officials will stop at nothing to prevent our message from being heard," said White. "Now they have conspired with the federal government to manipulate Candian weather patterns so as to force us to consider cancelling our rally."

White, while declining to offer proof to substantiate his claims, blasted what he called a "culture of climatological corruption" in local government.

"From the white man to the white snow, the multiculturalists in this city know how to put down 'whitey' to serve their nefarious purposes," White said. "They know very well that NSM members from places like Minnesota and New York are not prepared for weather like this, and we demand that the city end this precipitatory repression."

White said NSM remains undaunted.

"We will return to Toledo to spread our message," he said. "That is, of course, unless the city conspires to make it rain when we come back. Rain really sucks, because many of our members don't like the feeling of water on the layers of grime they so lovingly cultivate."


Dexter Boyz Discuss Plans For Nazi Rally

The tenth segment in continuous live coverage of Nazifest 2005

(Toledo, OH) Members of the local gang Dexter Boyz met with Toledo Tales to express incredulity that a neo-Nazi group might venture back into their neighborhood this Saturday when they return to the Glass City.

"Frankly, sir, I take offense at your suggestion that we are engaging in "gang" activity," said Sheldon Jackson, a spokesperson for the group. "Our society is primarily a fraternal organization designed to promote solidarity and the education of our members."

The National Socialist Movement plans to stage a rally in downtown Toledo on December 10 to "bring in local National Socialists from Toledo and the surrounding area in Michigan and Ohio to stand up against gang activity."

Jackson said that claims by the neo-Nazi group are overblown.

"Primarily we serve to fill certain social and familial needs among group members that traditional structures have not provided," he said, checking a 9mm clip for its readiness. "Many of our group have been neglected by their home and community support systems, and turn to a non-traditional form of social organization as a means of survival."

Jackson then began to laugh hysterically.

"I'm sorry man, I can't keep this academic shit up any more," he gasped. "Fuck it. You know if these Nazi motherfuckers actually show up in this hood, we gonna bust so many caps in their dumb asses that they will be splattered all over Dexter."


Toledo To Bill White: "Kiss Our Asses!"

The seventh segment in continuous live coverage of Nazifest 2005 Mach 2

(Toledo, OH) A poll conducted by Zogby International found that 97% of Toledoans would very much like Bill White and the National Socialist Movement (NSM) to "kiss the fattest part of our asses."

The poll, which measured the responses of 1014 Toledoans, has a margin or error of +/- 4%.

Jonathan Livingwell, a spokesperson for Zogby, said that the firm was surprised by the overwhelming negative views of NSM.

"We figured we would find at least a couple of racists, but the closest we could get to a positive response was an old lady who thought we were selling life insurance," said Livingwell. "Clearly there is a trend among to Toledoans to find the NSM to be a bunch of blithering morons with a propensity to mate with cousins."

The Zogby poll found no difference in the views of different demographic groups.

"Pretty much all Toledoans think that the NSM is the most vile form of social expression," said Livingwell. "93% of Toledoans also agree with the statement that 'Bill White is a closet queen with a Nazi fetishism that suggests a latent repressed homosexuality.'"

One surprise among the findings: Toledoans are split on how NSM should be handled.

"63% agree with the statement that 'the police should allow the anti-Nazis to kick the ever-living shit out of the Nazis,'" said Livingwell. "The other 37% say that 'the police should allow local gang members to kick the ever-living shit out of the Nazis.' Either way, it's clear that all Toledoans would like to see the Nazis take a serious beating on December 10."


Sun Rises; Bill White Takes Credit

The sixth segment in continuous live coverage of Nazifest 2005 Mach 2

(Roanoke, VA) Fresh from his stunning victories in forcing Toledo Mayor Jack Ford to lose an election, as well as his ability to force the firing of Toledo Police chief Mike Navarre, the National Socialist Movement's (NSM) Bill White claimed even loftier successes today.

"Yea, the bright ball of fire that climbs high in the sky is my work," said White. "Were it not for my threat to hold NSM rallies far in the East, the gods would never have given up this orb of life."

White, whose group will be holding a rally in Toledo this weekend, said that there are no limits to his prowess.

"The heavens part and the gods tremble before me," he said. "Oh, and I am something else wit da ladies, too."

White attributed his powers to his heritage.

"I am cut from the finest Aryan cloth, the very stuff of Norse gods," he said. "Oh, and my parents had a lot of money. You just can't beat being a trust fund baby."


Local NSM Members Admit: "It's All About The Uniform"

The fourth segment in continuous live coverage of Nazifest 2005 Mach 2

(Toledo, OH) Both of the members of Toledo's National Socialist Movement (NSM) unit said that the "smart and sexy" uniforms were the reason they joined the group.

"Well, it came down to the leather pants," said Jason Nicholsen of Toledo. "They really make my ass look delectable."

Fellow Nazi Joshua Bannister, also of Toledo, agreed with Nicholsen.

"Ooooh - it IS a sexy tush," he said, giving Nicholsen a quick goose. "And that leather cap really makes you look, well, IN CHARGE."

Both men downplayed ideology in their choice of organizations.

"Look - some of the se NSM boys are, well, kind of racist," said Bannister. "But get them alone in the bathtub with some wine and candles, and they're just like you and me."

Nicholsen agreed.

"They cut out all that supremacists stuff once you get them alone," he said. "They really just want a firm hand to spank them and tell them how naughty they have been."


Area German Shepherds Tired Of Nazi Stereotypes

The second segment in continuous live coverage of Nazifest 2005 Mach 2

(Toledo, OH) A group of local dogs has banded together to protest what one described as "really sick generalizations."

"Look, just because we are German shepherds does not mean we are Nazis," said "Rufus," a 7-year old canine, as he scratched his ear. "We had just nicely got over all that Stalag 17 bullshit, and then Bill White brings his Nazi pals to town again. We just can't catch a break."

"Rex," a 4-year old shepherd, said that the return of the Nazis is "like a bad dream."

"My owners have been looking at me weird all week," he said. "I saw them whispering the other day, and I couldn't help thinking that they were convinced I was a Nazi. If Bill White were here right now, I would bite his fucking leg."

"Wilma," a tan-colored shepherd, said that the Nazi rally has had additional repercussions.

"We have a black mailman," she said, " and now when I bark he thinks it's a racial thing. Oh - by the way - do you have any doggie treats? Huh? Huh? I know you do! Aw, come one - can I PLEASE have one? Huh?"


Father Of NSM's Bill White "Very Disappointed"

The first segment in continuous live coverage of Nazifest 2005 Mach 2

(Toledo, OH) In an interview with Toledo Tales, the father of National Socialist Movement commander Bill White spoke out for the first time about his son.

"We just don't know where we went wrong," said Melvin White, 67. "He always had the best of everything, but he has turned his back on his family and his people."

The elder White said that he began to "notice a change" in Bill when the Nazi leader was a teenager.

"He stopped socializing with us at about 14, but we figured it was just a phase," he said. "It really hurts when I have to introduce him to friends as my 'mother-fucking, piece-of-shit, racist son.'"

Melvin White looked down.

"I worry that there is never going to be atime when we will patch things up," he said. "Son, please come home."

The return of the neo-Nazi group NSM to Toledo on December 10 gives Subcomandante Bob the opportunity to rerun a few of the funnier articles from the October visit. In addition, Bob can now use this opportunity to spend more time with one of his favorite pursuits: PONG.


10,000th Visitor Brings Bob To Tears, Steals His Booze

(Toledo, OH) It was a bittersweet day Thursday evening as the Toledo Tales site hit its 10,000th visitor.

"The guy came in, and I was overwhelmed with the excitement of crossing this important blog milestone," said Subcomandante Bob. "Then all of a sudden I noticed my bottle of vodka was gone."

The surreal experience of virtual and physical worlds colliding was unsettling, said Bob.

"How in the hell could that thieving bastard have pulled this off?" he asked, head in hands. "It's not like I could have consumed it myself."

The site has a new temporal portal to prevent such events from reoccurring.

"The last thing I need is for some SOB to steal the last of my hooch," said Bob. "If some sucker tries it again, he will find his arm permanently exiled in cyberspace. Bastards!"

Copyright 2007, Toledo Tales ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. Toledo Tales ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of Toledo Tales ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Toledo Tales ® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

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